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Diary of Becoming a Princess – May 8 2019 – Out There In The Wild.

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Today was a pretty ok day, i studied kanji, played some league of legends, went out for a walk and had my “mini tea party” i always have, thing is i couldn’t make any sweets for it since our oven started failing the other day because of a factory error that made it shut down itself ’cause it thought it was dangerously hot and the emergency system triggered and it wouldn’t get on, i’ve had always thought that that oven was failing since the day we bought it ’cause i had to be at it’s side every single minute cause it shutted itself down without any apparent reason, my family was always like “Dude maybe you’re doing something wrong since the oven is brand new” so when the oven stopped working at all i’ve joked my parents about it, like dude, how can i mess up the ignition of an oven? It’s the simplest thing ever, anyways, i don’t really like that oven, it has 2 divisions and both are either extremely low or extremely high so baking bread it’s a nightmare ’cause you need to swap the tray every 6 minutes, don’t even ask me about baking cookies, it seems like a quarter of the oven gets stupidly hot no matter the temperature i use so when i bake cupcakes or cookies some of them in the corner end up burnt while the rest end up perfectly fine so i need to be rotating the tray every few minutes while roughly calculating the time it wil take to burn it all, my father was always like “Dude it’s because you are an amateur at this, don’t blame the oven” but that definitely isn’t normal and i know it since at school i do the same exact thing i do at home (Obiously variating the time of cooking since “every oven it’s unique”) but DUDE, it is awfully frustrating not being able to trust an oven with your pastry.

So yeah, about the thing i talked about yesterday, i couldn’t ask my psicologist about it since she cancelled today’s session, i’m fine now tho, it’s not like it is destroying my mind or anything and i just panicked because it was so sudden but now it’s not bothering me at all and i don’t think is going to happen again, changing topics, I FOUND MY CAMERA, YAY! Ever since i recorded those last 2 “Pensamiento en Lemniscata” my camera has been lost, i’ve wanted to do another one SO BADLY lately (In fact, the reason why i started writing this diary is because i need to vent but i couldn’t record one pensamiento en lemniscata) so yeah, i’m probably going to record one tomorrow but i’m not sure about the topic (So if you have anything to want to know about me this is your chance! As if anyone cared about me at all!), doing a pensamiento en lemniscata is so different compared to writing this, in escense they are the same, it’s just me spitballing about whatever comes to mind but the diference is that these diary entries are kind of pre-meditated in a way (I know it doesn’t seem like it since my grammar is atrocious and my wording is trash but still, pensamiento en lemniscata is pure “Whatever comes to mind” energy, yeah i usually have a topic but seeing how i struggle to word myself when giving an opinion about something is the main point of it, even tho if is say it like that it probably sounds really boring (I have a ton of fun doing it tho) but recently a discord friend is been like “DUDE i need another one of those please, i love them” and i don’t get why he likes them but at least i’m entretaining someone with my stupidity so it’s worth it.

Recently i’ve been thinking about the posibility that me putting so much of myself on the internet may not be the greatest idea ever, i’m not a deep, inteligent, thought provoking, interesting guy and my thoughts, aside from weird, are a really simple once you put a little thought on them so maybe putting so much of me out there is gonna burn people of my presence, i know people don’t necesarily have to watch/read them but if Digibro serves me as a comparison point then i’m going to start to hate myself (more than i do now) in no time.

Random Thought of The Day

“For some reason, she’s been of my head these past days, why is that?”

About Deep Thoughts · Me Being A Baby

Diary of Becoming a Princess – May 7 2019 – Lunar Cycle.

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Guess what? It’s been a month since i’ve started writing this diary! Yay! And i literally have nothing to talk about in this entry! Yay!

I mean, you already know about my recent brainblasts and sparks of pretentiousness and today was the most stagnant day i’ve had in a while so i don’t really know what to talk about…oh wait, yesterday something happened but i’m not really sure what i was, so picture me i’ve just finished writing yesterday’s post and i was preparing to get through my album backlog and out of nowhere i start panicking, i don’t really know what triggered it but i started sweating and i switched tabs on chrome like a maniac and went from chrome to the desktop to chrom to the desktop like 10 times in the span of 30 seconds i was just scared, i literally have no idea of what happened there it was surreal, like if i was on a trance or something, good thing it just lasted like 10 minutes but after that i endend extremely exhausted and fearing for my mental health so tomorrow i’m gonna ask my psycologist about it.

I’ve haven’t had any panic attacks like that lately but i’ve had many of those in the past due to my fear of alcohol, for some weird reason i’ve had this fear of alcohol that haunts me, not because i want to drink it but because it makes hanging out with people really difficult, for some reason when people think of “Having a good time” they usually mean just going to some roof to drink alcohol and have some conversations aaaaaaaaand as i can’t even smell the scent of fermented wheat ’cause i become all grumpy and my stomach starts mixing my insides it sometimes makes me leave “Quality time with friends” much more early than usual, i stil remember one christmas party that we had one time where i tried drinking some coke in some jar that turned out to be coke with vodka so almost inmediately after drinking a sip of it i had to run to the bathroom ’cause my body was instantly trying to puke it, i ended up shuting up myself in the bathroom while i was crying and vomiting the entire night, what a nice memory.

Random Thought Of The Day

“Come to think of it, i DID stayed there all night didn’t i? huh…”

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Diary of Becoming a Princess – May 6 2019 – And The Days Keep Piling Up.

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Today was pretty alright, japanese classes are starting to be easier again, seems like my engine has started now plus everything has been pretty chill lately (Aside from my sudden nightly dokis) so yeah, today’s the birthday of the girl that invades my personal space so we all classmates whent and did her a little party and even tho i kinda hate her now i ended up buying everything we munched so i’m broke again (yay) but at least she promised to take me to that cute flower/cake shop that i’ve been talking about the next time we see each other.

Another plus of today was that she didn’t tried so hard to appeal to me while we where in our mini party/picnic, yeah she did grabed my arm and hugged me out of nowhere but it was WAY less intense tan last time, maybe it was because she had spent almost all of her day with her boyfriend, i’m glad she’s getting off of me it clears missunderstandings and allows me to be more “myself” in front of her, i don’t want to be an asshole with anyone but sometimes when people pass the line i kinda just start acting cold so that they may figure out my discomfort, although maybe telling them about me not being at ease is way easier.

Off topic: Like i said last time, i’ve been letting my nails grow at their phase and that’s been really weird ’cause i’ve never had nails so long as i have them right now, and it’s been horrible trying to not bite them out of stress, like i’m the middle of some thinking and instinctively my hand move to my mouth and i have to tell myself “Oh nop, stop”, also cleaning under them has become another thing added to my “pulcro” way of life, at least they are easy to clean than shaving all of my face without cutting my sensitive skin (i hate having hair in my face so much). I plan on letting them grow a little bit longer and then start polishing and painting some of them, i want to try really cute colors like some pink or yellow and i also want to try some really hipstery colors like black and green come to think of it, is gray nail polish a thing? I REALLY want to try some Gray/Soft Pink duo, all of this would probably look really bad on me but i’ve meaning to try it for a long time and now that life’s been so weird lately maybe that would give me the little push i need… でも… now that i think about it…where would i get the polish from?…

You know what’s weird? It’s really a wonder how much i’ve been enjoying writing these entires, i mean, it’s been almost a month and i’ve only missed two days ’cause of the family trip, today while i was cheking some things on my Translations blog i opened up the “Trashed” section of WordPress and i saw some of my older posts, most of them where these really pretentious easays about things that i used to write but didn’t want to translate them into video, but between them there was a post called “Blogging is Shitty” i didn’t read it but i’m sure of what i meant, i used to think that bloggin was meaningless, no diferent fron just writing little snippets of your life on twitter or facebook, now that i’m a different person i think i understand what blogging is all about:

It’s just flushing down our brain toilets.

Random Thought Of The Day

“I’M SENDING IT NOW…or maybe later…”

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Diary of Becoming a Princess – May 5 2019 – Communication OMG.

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I was awoken by a message today, a really weird thing to happen to me as nobody ever cares to talk to me at all, it was a message form a internet friend that i somehow made 2 years ago (Omg, it’s been so long), she’s a translator from spain that for whatever reason watched my Shibuya-kei video and then started following me on twitter and we began responding to each other’s tweets until one day we added each other on Discord and then we made a Podcast together about Ojamajo Doremi, and we’ve sporadically talked ever since, thing is she is a really busy person so seeing her online on discord it’s actually a really weird sight so i’ve always tried to start our conversations whenever i ser her online, but she greeted me today in an actually really casual way and idk why but it made me happy, we talked about a ton of things as we usually do as we talk like once a month so we have a lot to talk about and we usually talk like if we where kind of friends but with mutual respect (Or i least i respect her a lot) so it’s really fun being able to joke arround while also talking about serious (And banal) matters without it turning into a slow and awkard thing.

So the point of the previous paragraph wasn’t really about “People don’t talk to me” but actually “I had a pleasant conversation with someone”, i’ve never been the type of person to get hung over the “Nobody ever talks to me” like, i feel that loneliness (As i mentioned in “Modern Age Loneliness”) but i clearly know that if i wanted to talk to anybody then i just need to message them about whatever comes to mind, even a “Hey” is enough to start a cool conversation with someone, the actual reason why i don’t do it it’s because i hate cold conversations, take in mind today’s conversation with that girl, we talked pleasantly without me ever getting into a weird “We don’t really get eachother” kind of feeling, and then compare that to some conversations i’ve had with another girl on discord that watched my streams and she was really hunged up on talking to me (And that made me really happy too) but whenever we greeted eachother the conversation turned into the most slow, awkward and “Bus chat” that i’ve ever had in my life, there was no dynamic, there was no back and forth, there was no weird conversational gimmicks, it was just plain and banal and awkward and it felt horrible, but not because i hate her or anything (And she obviously doesn’t hate me) but because i wanted so hardly to make our friendship work while we clearly didn’t really share all that in common, and even if we shared something in common talking to her about those things was just simply weird.
“So…?” you may be thinking, what i want to get through is the idea that talking to other people, rather than scary just because “i don’t know how to express myself” is more like frustrating if it isn’t with someone that doesn’t put you in the mood for a good conversation (I don’t know if this is making any sense to you), at least for me that’s what i fear when i meet new people, i have friends that share absolutely nothing in common with me but for some weird reason we enjoy each other’s presence so much that it isn’t a problem at all and we talk for hours and hours about the most banal things in existence but we do it in a way that we can feel at ease with each other

talking to people is difficult

but not being able to hold a good conversation

is way worse than that.

Maaan, aside from that this day’s been hell, somehow halfway through the day i started thinking about her and after the usual drip of dopamine that thinking of her brings me everything turned arround to uneasiness, “Maybe i just need to be more direct and send her a DM like i did that one time” followed by “But last time she replied in a really standoffish way so maybe i shouldn’t do that” followed by “But she’s like that isn’t her? Like, i’ve read she’s really shy so maybe it’s just a matter of getting used to each other” followed by “But wait, last message was a really cold one by me so maybe that’s why she didn’t replied in a friendly matter” followed by “But wait… didn’t i tried to soften that cold message by means of a softer, friendlier one but she didn’t reply at all?”, after analyzing i think that what makes me uneasy about my advances is the fact that… i’ve runned out of options, i think? i mean, i don’t really know what to do now and it’s driving me crazy ’cause thoghts about her are surrounding my head way more often that they used to and that reminds me of previous doki doki’s i’ve had over my life and as none of them have ever blossomed my head it’s starting to send the “Give up now dude before you get hurt like before” signals, but to be sincere with you, the fact that i’ve got so much against me on this love i’m feeling and that it’s now starting to infatuate me with such strenght that my head is starting to fight me over it… at least for me… it makes it one of the most beautiful, natural, cute and pure doki doki’s i’ve ever had.

Random Thought Of The Day

“Am i a hypocrite? well, whatever, i don’t really care about it now”

About Being Girly · About Friends · About The Past

Diary of Becoming a Princess – May 4 2019 – Unexpected Adversity/Looking For Adventure Part 2.

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Today was Cooking School day, and it was pretty weird and i kinda suffered a little, so i arrived late today to class because i kinda overslept, like, i woke up at 7 AM and i was like “I wanna read some twitter before getting out of bed” and as soon as i said that i fell asleep, yeah, pretty clumsy IK, but as i arrived i found something that i didn’t recognize in the kitchen… the chief chef was there, my teacher was there and… there was also a lady arround her late 40’s just being there, with a notebook on her hand just standing there while the other two where explaining to her something about bread, i was just completely confused like i didn’t really knew what to think of it until i sharpened my sight and noticed that the lady was wearing an apron, at first glance that isn’t really something of importance, we where in a kitchen so you obviously you need an apron but something that you start noticing as you spend time in a professional kitchen is that the people that work there don’t really wear aprons, we wear coats, and as i saw that lady wearing that apron i inmediately reminiced about how i was so exited to start kitchen work because i wanted so badly to wear an apron ’cause you know “Guys with aprons are the most Metro thing ever” and at first i wore a really cool one until the chief cheff said “Oh yeah, you should probably change into a coat while we work” and then i became a surgeon, complete with hat and surgical mask, so i was looking at her with my most “I want to wear an apron too～” face i could make, i greeted everyone and then the chief introduced me, i would later get told that she was just a new student that was going to recieve some special lessons, so basically today was hellish as i would get told to do something so i could show her how to do it while both my teacher and the chief chef scrutinized everything i did and while the lady kept on taking notes on her notebook, and of course due to the pressure i did really made a ton of mistakes, i did some Panne Cook plus some chess patterned sugar cookies but as i really suck at rolling dough with my own hands (Even tho my hands are the perfect size for it) they ended up not looking as good as i wanted them to look, at least everything i did turned out really delish. So after i did my things and i was waiting for the dough to proof and the cookie dough to rest in the fridge the chief chef began his classes with the lady, he taught her how to make differents sauces for ice cream plus some chocolate fondant so as i was waiting i payed attention to his lessons, at least it turned out to be a great learning experience, and yeah, that was most of the day, the later part i would just spend it sleeping a bit more and talking to my IRL friends on discord, some days ago one of those asked me to hang out with him on the weekend but i guess he forgot about it? Idk.

Here we are then, part 2 of “Looking for Adventure”, as i was talking yesterday i’ve spended a ton of time in MMOs and i’ve experienced really weird things in them, one of those happened as i played Digimon Masters Online with my IRL friends, funny thing being that not one of us is really a fan of Digimon so i don’t really know how did we ended up playing 4 years of that game… things happen i guess, so as we played we would just farm some really basic item that everyone needed and then we would sell it on the main plaza of the game so we would make some cash in order to get to the later Digimon evolutions (That game is really grindy, i don’t recomend it at all) so we got into a routine of everyday at 7 pm we would just farm and then sell, everyday, farm, sell, farm, sell, and at some point we began farming while we ignored the game all together and start talking about just our daily worries and things and at some point that became our main way of venting of our love problems, so we spent almost two and a half hours farming in the background of a talk about our love lifes, and one day someone said “Dude, isn’t this like some weird podcast? Can we like record and upload this to youtube or something?” and other dude said “Yeah and like we could discuss the viewers love problemas and shit right?” and i said something like “I mean, i could stream this on twitch…”

And that’s the story of how i began streaming on twitch.

Random Thought of the Day

“I kinda want to experience new things, but… they scare me a ton”

About Friends · About Love · About The Past

Diary of Becoming a Princess – May 3 2019 – Looking For Adventure.

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So today was a free day, i hope you are getting aquainted with my schedule by now, so what did i did all day? Nothing much, really, i’m struggling to write even now that i’ve just started so this one may not be one of my “Ultra Pretentious Entries”, you know, the ones where i talk about something in my day and somehow come up with some kind of message at the end, yeah… although one thing happened just recently, you know that i change my twitter nick almost every day, right? So yesterday i was listening to music and then i remembered some visual-kei songs i like, mainly Janne Da Arc’s Moebius and Jealkb’s Makemagic (They are both from anime, the first one is the opening to the EXTREMELY obscure anime called “Bakegyamon” and the other one served as ending to the YGO/GX/5DS crossover movie, also the video to that song is pretty awesome, you should watch it) so i was thinking about how cool it was that such a thing as visual-kei and it’s derivatives exists and i began wondering if they are still a thing in this day and age, so i put that on my twitter name (I wanted it to be the “I want to change but i can’t” part of the lyrics of Makemagic, in japanese of course, but it was too long) aaaaaand today she tweeted about how something reminded her of “Makemagic” and i was like “DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE, THIS CAN’T BE A COINCIDENCE, LIKE, IS SHE TALKING ABOUT THE SONG? IS THERE ANOTHER SONG CALLED MAKEMAGIC? DUUUUUDE LIKE, REALLY, WE WHERE THINKING ABOUT THE SAME EXACT SONG? THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE”

I think i’ve finally lost it.

Anyways, so what i did all day was… play videogames, to be specific one game called KurtzPel a pseudo MMO/Competitive 2 vs 2 game in wich you pair up with some random guy on the internet and battle in 2 vs 2 matches against either AI or other players, i read the game’s description on 4chan and it reminded me of some other online game i played a while ago called Rise of Incarnates that had the same premise but was made by Capcom so it had way better production values but somehow (You know 2010-18 Capcom and its microtransactions) it ended up closing ’cause nobody played it, i found it pretty fun and dynamic so as i was reading about KurtzPel being kinda similar i got a little bit hyped and downloaded it, the game’s no that much fun at all, eviroments are really lacking for an MMO and even tho the battle system it’s kinda cool and it reminds me kinda of Devil May Cry it is almost imposible to play it online, lag destroys most of your combos and trying to dodge while the camera shakes all over the place its not fun at all, the character creator it’s pretty good tho, i made a really cute looking boy but as i already uninstalled the game and i didn’t took any screenshots i can’t show him to you :/

This whole ordeal reminded me of some really cool moments i’ve lived while playing MMORPGs through my childhood, i’ve played tons of MMOs ’cause there’s a novelty to them that i wont ever get over, that thought of just going in some adventure on some other world where you meet some new friends and do all sorts of things is just simply so fun! I’ve been carried to high level places on some borrowed high level armor in Ragnarok online, chatted with some weird dudes on Habbo/MappleStory, lived some weaboo adventures with my friends in Fiesta and Flyff, reached the endgame by myself in Dragonica/Dragon Saga (Also it’s the only game in that i’ve payed for cosmetics), i’ve asked for “Cupo pa’ Roble Blando” (If you get that reference then i’m sorry for you), i’ve entered some weird spanish comunity that roleplayed even outside the game just so i had someone to play Phantasy Star Online with, also i played Phantasy Star Online 2 almost daily until they banned people outside of japan, i’ve suffered through Grand Chase/Elsword just because my friends played it, i played every single hour of the Open Beta for Final Fantasy 14 A Realm Reborn with some youtuber guy named Omegakay, i’ve put up with the tedium of World of Warcraft just because one of my best friends was obsessed with getting me into that game, i’ve met some of my best IRL friends in League of Legends/Dragon’s Nest and man, i could go on and on and on about the MMO’s i’ve played, Black Dessert, Warframe, Tera, SMT Imagine, Tales Runner (Dude TR was so fun, why did it closed? TwT), Wildstar, Closers, Neverwinter, Tree of Savior, Rusty Hearts and man, it goes on and on and on, names are just flowing out of my memories, im kinda sorry :P, I don’t really remember which MMO was the first one i tried (Probably Dofus but i didn’t like it at all) but i do remember some of the best experiences that MMOs have given me, but im gonna hold on to some of those and im just gonna tell you about two of them.

The first is one trivial thing but it was the single event that made me begin apretiating MMOs so much, so i was playing this game called Secret of Solstice ’cause i’ve been trying to get into ragnarok online but most of the cool servers where private and i was kinda shy about getting into something that had the label “Private Server” so i found this game that look a lot like Ragnarok, and so i made progress all by myself until i met some party of 3 that where farming a cave near the starting village and so they invited me into their party, aaaaaaaaaaaaaand we played that party for 5 hours straight, keep in mind that this was a really long while ago and i didn’t really know how to english so they tried to talk to me in the chat but i didn’t really know how to respond so i only used the in game emotion system plus some words that i kinda knew, the cutest part was that at some point we where tired of farming so one of the party members sitted in front of some tree and said “It’s Picnic Time!” and we all just sitted with him while waiting for our health and mana to come back, and that thing, the fact that we where completely strangers to each other, i didn’t really catched all of what they said and we where just playing some weaboo online game but we where able to bond and had some made up picnic in front of a tree… it was just amazing, it felt like i was in some adventure and the people in front of me where my real party members and we where just there, i swear i could feel the sun on my virtual skin that day.

Ups, this turned out way longer that i wanted, i’m gonna tell you about the other experience on tomorrow’s entry okay? Im running late on this one! I’ve just 2 minutes to finish this before the day’s over o///o

Random Thought Of The Day

“I wonder where are they now…”

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Diary of Becoming a Princess – May 2 2019 – About Her, My Friends And Me.

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So today i stared writing this pretty early (im still on the bus) tons of things happened as i was writing yesterday’s post so i couldn’t write about them properly, but now i can! Plus im investing more time on this one so you can expect this update on the meaty side.

So let’s talk about today, i had japanese classes and as you may know by now my brain is on airplane mode in regards to japanese so there’s not that much to talk about on that front, but today i felt more natural than previously even tho i still made REALLY REALLY dumb mistakes, the funny thing was that on my way to class i met one of the dudes from yesterday on the city bus, it was really weird because we are used to not seeing each other that much so being able to talk even if for a litte while was pretty nice, we just had some stupid banter about life and some crazy dude spitballing about politics on the bus, pretty short talk but really blessed meeting i guess, but man, you know what hapened next? When i was returning to the bus station to get on my bus home I MET WITH THE OTHER DUDE I WATCHED THE MOVIE YESTERDAY, like WHAT ARE THE CHANCES? Like really, he was on the city cause he needed to finish one of the last proyects for his semester so i practically met him at the best posible moment, like man, why does destiny always turns things like this? Anyways, we talked about his proyect and about life and things while we walked together to the bus station, unaforunately even tho we live in the same city the are no a single bus that takes a route that benefits each of us so we parted ways when we arrived at the station, and so, we arrive at the now, im writing this on my celphone’s notes while the bus trembles and i lose my sight, nice isn’t it?

So now let’s get to the juicy bit, YESTERDAY AS I WAS WRITING THE ENTRY, so first of all, when i arrived home after the movie there was no one home so i turned on my pc and started writing the entry cause i wanted to finish it quickly, i wrote half of it and then opened twitter to take a little brake looking at cute pictures, aaaaand i saw her tweets, she was talking about having been crying all day and feeling real bad and then this awful really opressive feeling clotted all of  my self “Damn it, i wanna help her so much but she’s really hard to deal with dur to her anxieties, how can i help her? Can i help her at all?” I ciecled that thought for a loooong while and i ended up so flooded my emotions and things that i ended tweeting an “Ugh”, now, keep in mind that i was supossed to be on my social recess, away from social media and i haven’t tweeted at all in two days or so (yeah, thats a ton of time), after posting that i went to walk out little juana so i could clear my head a little, when i returned home after a while i noticed my Father had arrived so i greeted him and he asked me where i was and i told him about the movie and things and he laughed cause i’ve told him that i didn’t wanted to watch the movie at all but then i went and watched it, we laughed and the he asked: “Hey, have you eaten yet” and then i remembered “Oh man, i’ve only eaten some bread for breakfast”, My father’s face went from laugh to anger so quickly i didn’t even had time to react.

Here’s a little thing about me that you prolly didn’t know at all (heh) I hate my body, i really do, with time i’ve ended up accepting it but when i discovered that i really wanted to be a girl it was such a shock to me that i started mistreating it in varuious ways, the worst thing about it is that by the time i figured out my situation it was too late to start doing anything about it so i gave up and started dressing and changing my style without a care for what i look (That’s why there are so many weird pictures of me on twitter) and at some point, rather than not giving a damn i began hating it so much that i basically came bullimic/anorexic, i didn’t eat at all and the few things i ate i puked after looking myself at the mirror and thinking “I don’t want my body to be shaped like this” it got to a point where i started fainting, and on one of those i began puking blood and my stomach started hurting a ton so my family took me to the hospital where i lost eyesight for at least 2 hours due to blood loss as i had developed an various stomach ulcers plus anemia, it was such a shock for me (Someone that wants to be an artist) to lose my eyesight that i stopped, i still remember being on a wheelchair trying my hardest to open my eyes as wide as i could but being unable to see anything and getting so scared that i started screaming and crying, so you may now get why my father was so angry at me for not having eaten anything that day, then i remembered some little thing that i had ignored while i was with my friends, when we where waiting for the showing as we walked arround a mall i usually looked at some mirrors so i could check how i looked and i remember thinking “Man, i hate this, why is my chest so pumped and my face so round? Damn, i’m getting fat” dude, it scared me, these past days i’ve been tempted to return to my old habbits of destroying myself and it is beginning to worry me, even tho i still feel the same as a few years back i’ve now learned that mistreating myself won’t do anything so i’m kinda scared that after all this suffering it seems i’ve learned almost nothing.

There i was then, sinking into so much depression and despair and anxiety, so my body went directly to look at twitter (I do that when i’m stressed, if i get stressed about something i start to randomly look at twitter without really looking at anything, i just switch to the tab and come back to whatever i’m doing, a weird reflex, i know) and as i switched i saw something, that girl tweeted about how stupid was for her to tweet about her things, that she shouldn’t be venting on twitter, that even venting on japanese wasn’t doing anything, and this is going to sound really pretentious of me but… i think it is because of me? like, maybe some of that ranting was aimed at me? i know it sounds like i’m now really imprinting myself onto her words but man, IT REALLY SEEMS LIKE IT! (maybe im being to much of a douche here… dude, im prone to dreaming ok?) and so i panicked REALLY HARD while trying to find words to apologize with but then i remember that she’s such a delicate person (That’s one of the things that makes her so cute) that i really couldn’t DM her about it and even if i could what if those words wheren’t aimed at me at all and i talk to her about them but she’s like “Dude, no, i’m not talking about you at all, you stupid asshole” and i’m like “DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN” and then i panicked HARDER and threw myself onto the bed and grabbed my pillow and puted it on myself and began SCREAMING AS HARD AS I COULD WHILE ROLLING ARROUND, awwwwwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhggggggggggggggggggggggggg, i still cringe about it, man, am i too delutional? Is love clotting so much of my view? ANGGGGGGG.

So, reviewing, i suck at japanese, i’m starting to show bullimic/anorexic/suicidal tendancies again and i probably killed the place where the girl i like expresses herself, let’s go Famiky! You are such a nice guy! You Rock! You the best! uhg, im gonna cry.

Random Thought of the Day

“Kick me when i’m lowest, i’m the worst anyways”

About Deep Thoughts · About Friends · Me Being A Baby

Diary of Becoming a Princess – May 1 2019 – Pay and Payback.

FamikyLeave a comment

So as i told you yesterday today i went to see the new Avengers movie, but let’s start from this morning, so i wake up, feeling awful because i spended most of the night trying to not cry but anyways, remember yesterday’s drawing? well this morning it had 1 like from one really good friend from twitter that likes almost all of my drawings, i don’t want to sound like an arrogant guy but man spending a whole afternoon drawing something just for almost no one to like it feels horrible, it happened to the drawing i did previously, the Kokichi Ouma one, almost nobody liked it, and now that i think about it, of all of the things i do and publish on the internet my drawings are the ones that get the least amount of recognition compared of how much time and effort i put in them, it’s kinda disheartening because drawing is the thing i dedicate most of my time and effort, my main goal in life is to be proficient at art so most of my life it’s been just drawing a lot, so when i make a drawing i really like an publish it on social media and it doesn’t get attention at all i become really depressed, i guess i’m really bad at it (It managed to get to 6 likes now, but i’m talking about how i felt this morning)

So starting the day already depressed i went downstairs to grab something to eat and prepare to go out and see my friends so we could go and watch the movie later, and i noticed that just mother was at home, i have a pretty good relationship with her so we had some trivial conversations about life and things (I didn’t told her about what happened on monday tho) and i recieved a message on whatsapp, weird thing ’cause nobody talks to me ever so i was surprised and read it inmediately, it was from one of my besties saying that he had some plans with one of his gym friends to go see the Avengers movie but some people couldn’t go so he was looking for people that could fill those spots, it was completely free but it was kinda late and i had already made plans with my other friends so i declined the invitation, i finished preparing myself and went out, and i turned out pretty early at the meeting place so i wandered arround looking for whatever i could find, the place was a mall and i could have looked for some cute clothes but as this is a pretty badly tasted city all of the clothing shops where displaying these really bad/unoriginal/not cute at all clothes so i pretty much gived up on the idea and just went to sit on some bench, when they arrived we talked about life and such, the people i met where the guys i ended up as classmates after i failed at one of my highschool’s years so even tho i like them a whole bunch we don’t see each other really often (Plus they all are on college and have little time for me) one of those was the guy that invited me to the Udon “All You Can Eat” event, we talked a little bit in japanese, so after having some coffe and a good talk we went to buy the tickets for the movie, low and behold, it was full of people, weird thing because the movie came out like a week earlier so i assumed that everyone had already seen it and the people seeing it today where there because they late to the thing, BUT THERE WHERE SO MANY PEOPLE THERE, omg it’s so stressful being surrounded by so many people, it’s actually kinda suffocating, anyways, we did the line and when we asked for the tickets the girl on the counter said “Sorry, we are out of the next showing’s seats” and we where like “What, ok then when it’s the next one” and the girl said “Next one it’s in 4 hours” and we where like “AWWW HELL NO, you got any other one?” and she’s like “There’s one in a hour and a half but it’s only on 2d” and we “Dude, we weren’t looking for the 3d one anyways, so give us that” and the girl goes “Yeah but, i only have a pair of seats and one lonely one” and we where like “DUDE, JUST GIVE US THAT ONE, WE DON’T WANT TO WAIT 4 HOURS TO SEE SOME MOVIE” and then the most horrible thing appeared on front of me, the ugliest, most disgusting, awful price i’ve seen all my life for a movie ticket, it was, not kidding, TRIPLE OF WHAT IT USUALLY COSTS, i was like “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT” and my friends where like “Wait, what?” and the girl goes like “¯\_(ツ)_/¯” and so we ended up paying because well, whatever, and, as i was giving away my precious money something flashed on my head like if it was a flashback in some run of the mill anime…”Dude, i’ve got free tickets for the Avengers movie, wanna come?”, i died after that.

So, the movie, well… it was okay, i’ve never understood the fuss all over the Marvel movies (Or all Superhero movies) like, the only one i’ve liked these past years was the Spiderman into the spiderverse one and that was only because the animation was godlike but couldn’t give anything for the characters or story, plus i’ve only watched the original Avangers one and the Civil War one so i didn’t even knew most of the characters involved in the story, soooooo i didn’t really cared about anything that was happening and even if i had watched all of the movies i still prolly won’t give a damn, for me, these kinds of movies are just the same movie recycled over and over and over, the only thing i kind of find enjoyable it’s that they usually feature really good SFX and that’s it, but as some scene where an important character died after some fierce battle was happening, i heard a girl crying in the theater, and then i began hearing more people crying, and i was like “whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? why would you cry over this? are you really that invested?” as i heard those people cry i thought about what was happening, i was watching a movie i didn’t really care for alongside people that cared so much that they started crying, it was…special, like if somehow some of the passion that people put into these movies was touching me (In a really weird way) but at least it was touching me, how many other pieces of media exist that i don’t really care about but some people do so much as to cry because of it? it sounds really pedantic, but it made me appreciate art (As much as an Disney’s Marvel’s Avengers as it is) and it’s repercussion on people, i wish someday i’ll be able to create something that makes somebody feel strong emotions, you could say, i really want to make people cry.

Random Thought of the Day

“Frustration is penting up and releasing”

Drawing

Diary of Becoming a Princess – April 30 2019 – Sugar Time Trip.

FamikyLeave a comment

Well, can i be a little blunt with you? Today i’ve got absolutely nothing, i spended the most of my day drawing that Touhou fanart on my twitter, i think it looks pretty cute, i love Marisa’s bored as hell expression and Reimu’s heat suffering and the background turned out realy cute too, it took most of my day to draw that, well actually it just took 6 hours, 3 hours on Marisa, 1 Hour on the Background, 1 Hour on Reimu and another hour on the painting, the reson why Marisa took so long is because i was having trouble with her hair/expression/skirt, plus as this is touhou i had to decide on wich version of the costume i had to use, so i made some little custom ones changing very little but enough so that it could look my brand of cute, i also had to erase HALF of yesterday’s post because my dumb brain spilled to much and i ended up writing a LONG post about my past self, and now i don’t really want to talk about it.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand that’s it, i also went to my psicologist today but really there wasn’t anything that important to talk about, like she wanted to talk about my return to college but i’ve already told her that i’m not planing on returning this year so most of the talk was about the ways in which i may begin to prepare for that, i’ve already talked about it here but i’ve forgotten to talk to her about it, so i did.

Tomorrow i’m going to watch that new Avengers movie, not that i really care about it but some school friends invited me and it seemed to me like a good a idea to distract myself from yesterday’s depression so i guess i’m gonna have things to talk about tomorrow, so, see you then i guess?

Random Thought of the Day

“Unintentionally coming close to crying”

About Deep Thoughts · About Love · About The Past

Diary of Becoming a Princess – April 29 2019 – Broken Doll

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So today was a pretty horrible day, i tought it was going to be a pretty alright day since there was nothing that stressful to do so i woke up, drew for a while, got ready to go to japanese class and departed thinking it would be a pretty normal day, last time i talked about japanese classe i mention how these past few classes i’ve been completely out of the game, my brain wasn’t really working propertly and i’ve been forgeting kanji even tho i practically read/use them daily, but today, oh man today was something else, as language teachers usually do, class today was just talking about some tourist place we’ve been to, describing it as if we where seling it out, when it got to my turn, my brain melted, literally, i don’t know what happened but i forgot everthing, almost as if i haven’t been taking japanese class at all and i was just a run of the mill weaboo spitting nonsense, words wouldn’t even take of my mouth and those that got out where pronounced in the worst posible way ever, and it isn’t just my judgy self speaking, like my teacher and everyone else noticed it, the teacher was also worried about it like she told me that the last class was just like that and she asked me if i was fine or something, I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, and is not as if i had a sudden scene panick attack or something, i’ve been studying with these people for the past 3 years and a half and i’ve speaked in from of them plenty of times, i just, don’t know what happened.

Needless to say, i got depressed, REALLY depressed, you wouldn’t bevielve how depressed i got by such a thing happening, but my mind went inmediately to judging myself, it seems that i cannnot forgive myself even for the tiniest of errors i make (Like what happened with the final tests) i just simply lose my mind and start thinking about how useless i am and about how stupid and incompetent i trully am, and it didn’t stoped there, when i started walking to the bus station to return home i spiraled down into this weird state of depression in which i keep walking while everything in my surroundings just completely disapears but by some miracle i’m able to keep on walking safetly to my destination as i keep on sinking until it got so bad that i was reminded about the time i droped out of college and then i inmediately stopped and stood there for a while, i was kinda in a state of numbness and fear, both at the same, i know it sounds stupid but man, i don’t know how else to describe it….

So today when i was on the bus going home, i cried, i cried a lot, thinking that it was going to be the same as that time and fearing that everything i’ve done these past years was worth nothing as i was starting to give up completely on myself, so i planned to buy a cutter so i could return to self mutilation again, dude idk, i was feeling really horrible, and when i returned home i inmediately went out to walk the dog and buy that cutter but after a good walk out of nowhere Coltemonikha’s “Domino” started playing in my head, followed by the thought of that girl i told you i liked, i was thinking about how awesome she is at expressing her feelings, about how if you read anything from her you can almost see her manerisms, hear her voice and completely feel what she’s feeling, how she just needs that little push so that she may overcome her social anxieties and become such a great and pleasant and transparent person, and i know this sounds really freaking stupid but, just thinking about that healed me so much (Plus watching little juana be so happy to see me and walk arround with me) they healed almost everything i had been feeling until that moment, it made me think “Maybe i just need to try a little longer, not give up so easily” and just the thought of that made me realize that maybe, if just a little bit, i’ve changed.

There’s no random thought of the day today, im sorry.

Also, even though im kinda not that bad now i’m still feeling a little bit shocked by what happened and it may take a little while for it to heal completely so i’m entering another social recess, i don’t know how much time will it take but as no one ever reads this i’m gonna keep on posting it, i’ll just be off social media.