So today was a pretty alright day, nothing bad or good happened so i won’t really talk about today in particular, not that i ever talk extensively about my day, i just kinda try and write mini easays about life and stuff but still.
One thing i’ve seem to forgot is the original purpose of this blog, and that is to document my advancements into becoming a Princess, so let’s talk about what changes i’ve made since i started this blog! Yay! First of all, i’ve started shaving regularly, it may not seem like such a big deal but man, to me, having hair all over my body would mean little if the hair in my face wouldn’t grow so extremely fast, in the past i’ve given up about it because shaving is such a pain and although it makes me look way less masculine it doesn’t really make me more feminine, but as i started this blog i’ve been shaving almost everyday so that at least my skin is smooth, and yeah it still leaves shade all over my face but at least feeling how my hand travels all over my chin without any scratchiness is one of the best sensations ever, and on that note, i’ve been meaning to take better care of my skin by use of skin care products but since i’ve been a man through all my entire life i now know nothing about them and also looking at my sister’s every single one of them leaves that amazingly cute smell that they usually have (including that loving smell that the cream she bought at Bath&Body) and i would totally save up money to buy some of them but you know, i’m a guy, not only i’ll have to hide them from my family but also i couldn’t even be able to use them due to the smell! Man, i should become independent really soon…
The other thing i’ve been doing (or maybe just started doing more) is giving less of a damn for what people look me like when i act feminine, the way i walk, act, gesture, and even just stand has become a little bit more feminine due to this, it probably looks really weird but at least i makes me so happy to do, like, i really don’t know how to describe it but there’s this really great feeling that comes by acting cute, like if suddenly a new type of energy powers me and it fills me with so much joy like today when i was walking Juana (you know, the dog), i started singing Natsume Mito’s “Maegami Kirisugita” in a low voice while i kinda did a little cute dance and when i finished i just stood there giggling about it for a really long while, if this doesn’t make sense to you then i don’t really know to descrive it, it’s such a new feeling for me that i want to explore way more than i’ve done, also i’ve finaly been taking care of my nails (By taking care i mean not biting them out of anxiety) i don’t really want them long but just cute and propertly taken care of, one day i might even paint them in some cute colours if stop fearing the world and my parents.
And that’s it, i know, pretty short list isn’t it? There are many other things i want to change about myself in regards to becoming more cute and girlish but maybe i’m not ready to try them out yet, maybe in some other future when i’m less restricted by my overjudging self and my family.
Random Thought of The Day
“I know i shouldn’t be using this, but man, it’s smell makes me dream”
Today i went to Baking Class, my baking classes are pretty early in the morning at 8:00 AM (Early for me ok?) so everytime i have classes i wake up without any energy at all, mornings are awful for me, like my body doesn’t really work on mornings even if the day before i’ve rested a ton i still wake up like a zombie, luckly the school is really close to me so i wake up at 7:00 get take 50 minutes to get ready and eat breakfast and then go to school, pretty relax.
Baking class is really fun but one thing that’s not fun about it is that i’m the only one that takes classes on Saturday so most of the time there aren’t any ingredients left in the kitchen so my teacher and i often have to walk to the center of the city to buy them, aaaaaand to be honest, it’s pretty scary? Like, the center of my town is pretty much slums after slums, once you pass certain street everything becomes rusty, damaged and dirty, many people on the sleeping on the streets, tons of trucks carrying raw material and aside from the trucks pretty much everyone goes arround in motorcycles, it may sound like i’m being a baby but when you often hear about shootouts arround the neighborhood and when you read about this town being labeled the “Most Violent City of the Country” then you start to become a little paranoid, even setting that aside, there’s TONS of people going arround buying raw materials and such, BUT TONS, AND THEY ALL SCREAM AND MAKE NOISES, it’s like entering a school full of the most hyperactive children on earth and they are all screaming to get your attention, store clerks are absurdly agressive and often smell really bad and the whole place, understandably, is really dirty, i know i sound like a baby but man, between al my anxieties and such i HATE going there, I HATE IT, i feel stalked, i feel dirty, i feel weak, i feel pretty much bad overall.
So the ingredients we bought where pretty much ones to make integral ham buns and TONS of sugar for cookies, the reason being that the school was hosting an event for childrens day where we teached kids how to make hamburgers and then we gived them cookies, and you know, NO BODY TOLD ME ABOUT IT, AND THE CHIEF CHEF FORGOT THAT I WAS THE ONLY GUY ON SATURDAYS SO I HAD TO MAKE FIFTY (50) HAM BUNS AND EIGHTY (80) SUGAR COOKIES, it was hell, i’ve had slept for 2 hours because my sleep schedule sucks and when i woke up i tweeted that i “Needed energy” BUT I DIDN’T THOUGHT I WOULD NEED IT THAT BADLY, anyways, making them was tiresome but fun, often when i hear “CHALLANGE” i inmediately freak out but when i heard about today nothing came to my mind aside from “I have to do it then” i think it was because i’ve slept so badly that i couldn’t even process what was happening or maybe i’m now full of “Shoganai” energy because of my week being so shitty but whatever, making bread is fun and easy plus i may have made some children’s day, not that i know as the children came when i was finishing the job.
When i arrived home i inmediately died on the bed, like instantly, as soon as i touched one of the atoms that my bedsheets are made of i exploded into sleepness… dude, tha phrase, i don’t know what’s “Exploded into sleepness” supossed to mean but it was the first thing that popped in my head while i was writing it, nice. I woke up and the proceded to go out to buy some frozen yogurt ’cause i have this weird thing if i’m sad but not in an awfuly sad way just general sad i go out to have some frozen goodness on a nearby shop, they have this cute gimmick where each week they make frozen yogurt out of weird fruits, one of my favourites has been one fruit that resembled blueberries but they where from Brazil and i forgot their name :))))) today’s flavour was just plain coconut, i love coconut so i was pretty hyped about it but maybe i would have wanted to try some other weird fruit… after that i chatted with my IRL friends on discord for a while and then went to walk our dog and some really funny thing happened, i always take the same route when i walk her (Her name’s Juana, she’s a Shih Tzu, She’s cutely gross) to a nearby, really quiet, park and these past two weeks i’ve been side to side by some other girl that also walks her dog there but she always does it before me so everytime i see her she’s returning home while i’m just getting there, the weird thing today was that i got out really early ’cause there was no food at home and my sister asked my to buy something for her so i tried to kill two birds with one shot, as i was returning from the park, one hand holding Juana’s leash and in the other one the food i passed by the woman and she, out of nowhere, told me “Hey, leave that doggy here baby ;)” and i froze, LIKE WHAT ARE YOU LADY? DUDE, PLEASE, WHY THESE KIND OF PEOPLE DO THIS TO ME, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO RESPOND LADY? I DON’T KNOW YOU AT ALL AND THEN YOU SUDDENLY JUST SHOUT ME OUT? uhg.
Random Thought Of The Day
“Need some recharge, battery is running really low”
As expected, today was a pretty weird day, being emotionally unstable is really weird in regards to time as i explained in my “Free Time For Bussy People” but it never ceases to amaze me how emotions are able to bend one’s perception of time, i woke up pretty early today, 9 am (For me it’s early ok?) and because yesterday night i was feeling horribly awful i woke up feeling like if i’ve been on a hospital for 5 days straight, i felt tired, my heart hurted, my mind couldn’t concentrate at all and my body didn’t really wanted to move, so i stayed in bed looking at the cieling, when i finally came back from my autistic journey it was already 12 Pm, so i basically stayed 3 hours in bed doing absolutely nothing, nice.
Some guy (Digibro) one day said that being awake in bed is the most depressing thing ever, you are in bed but you are not sleeping meaning your heart/mind is exhausted while your body is not, and i trully believe in that, that explains why time passes so fast even if you are not sleeping. Personally, i have really weird habbits on the bed, i mostly use mine as a thinking place, while i’m in bed i imagine things, plan things, remember things, feel things, so the bed is like a ritualistic place for me, it’s on it that i have most of my emotional breakdowns, it’s the place where i cry and make up with myself and many other things, even the first time i self mutilated was ontop of my bed, funny thing about it is that i was feeling absolutely horrible that day and i’ve read on some forums that self mutilation was really therapeutic ’cause it’s a way to make those untangible pains real but i’ve never tried it myself cause i’m pretty bad at dealing with pain but that day i tried it anyways and it really didn’t felt good at all, it just stinged and i was mostly worried about my family looking at the scars or blood on top of the bed than i felt relieved, the weird thing is that i keept on it, every time i felt really bad with myself i couldn’t get the “Cut yourself” idea out of my head so it became pretty much a routine, even if it didn’t felt good at all, and some even weirder thing that happened is that one day after cutting myself i layed on the bed while looking at my arm and the first thought that came to my mind was “Man, these scars look so cool” dude, i think im broken.
I was very cautious with it tho, i cutted my forearm so it was easier to hide it and i also hid the blade in my backpack (that only i touch) so i thought no body would notice it but one day my blade desapeared, i panicked really hard but not because of the implications of that fact but because i couldn’t find something to cut myself up, remembering that rn is really terrifying cause it was one of my hardest nervous breakdowns i’ve ever had, i was sweating, i bitted my pillow really hard while trying to contain my anxiety and i really wildy searched all over my room for that blade, i never found it but the weirdest thing is that nobody ever talked to me about that, like, if my parents or my sister found about it then they would have talked to me about it but nobody said anything, and i’m sure the blade wouldn’t just dissapear out of nowhere ’cause i only used it in bed and inmediatly tuck it on my backpack, that blade just magically disapeared and that’s the way i stopped cutting myself up, and yes, the scars are completely gone by now.
Love has always been a quite hard subject for me, they never blossom because either i’m a complete idiot and fuck up everything or because no body takes interest in me at all, the only relationship i’ve had it’s one long distance one that i fucked up after a year because i was trully the worst human being on earth, i now think that long distance relationships are a complete joke, love is not only conceptual but tangible as well, nothing ever beats the warmth of a living breathing human but as much as i try and justify myself i can’t deny that most of my love is purely conceptual, i’m a romantic guy, i dream of tea parties, weird forest picnic dates and things like that so it’s no wonder i ended up falling in love with some girl over the internet (again) she’s kinda like me in the worst possible way or at least that’s what i’ve been able to grasp out of our tiny bits of interaction and the cute thing about it is that i’m afraid i’m proyecting too much of myself on her, the way i see it is that she’s kind of someone i may be able to help by teaching her the ways i’ve been a horrible person over the years so we may divide some plan for the two of us to be happy by means of that, i know my hardships, she knows hers and by sharing them we may become better people together, that’s what i want to think and express to her but probably it is way too creepy of a thing to say and there are many other things that would make pursuing a relationship with her really dificult, and that’s even assuming that she even thinks of me as anything more that “That weird twitter guy” and all, but i don’t know man, feelings overcome me really easily.
You may be thinking “What does all of that has to do with the cutting yourself thingy?”, i wanted to tell you about the ways i make absolutely no sense, how can a person cut himself up while not liking it?, how can someone have a bad experience with long distance relationships but fall completely in love with someone over the internet? How can someone hate mediocrity and time loss when all he does is stay in bed all day? How can a boy wants to be a girl? I really don’t have an answet for any of them, as hard as i try to analize things and make decisions based on critical thought my heart is a dreamers one, it overcomes any critical thinking and throws me into the worst possible emotional rollercoasters.
This maybe looks like a really emotionally drenched entry but i’ve been thinking about this for a really long time, i trully think there are at least 4 other diferent types of Famikys inside my head and each and everyone thinks and act diferently but not independantly, like my head is partitioned in four but they are all me and only me, it’s weird to explain and i’m trying to put that into a comic story i’ve been working on so you may excuse the lack of explanation here, maybe i’ll talk about it in some other post, or maybe it is just another stupid thought…
Also today i participated in a podcast, that was a thing.
Random Thought Of The Day
“I love myself conceptually but hate myself in execution”
Today’s been weird, as the title implies my emotions where like if i was on a Rocket Coaster, it’s hasn’t shown in this diary yet because when i started it somehow i got a drip of positivity and the subject never came out to light but the truth is that i’m a pretty unstable person, i can feel extremely sad then feel extremely happy in a matter of seconds (And even at the same time, don’t ask me how that works) and i think is because half my mind it’s trying to become a better person while the other half has already given up.
So today i went to japanese class, i’m also that type of person that needs to keep it’s machine going at all times or else he’s going to act like he doesn’t know anything so you may have guessed that japanese wasn’t very fun today, it appears as if i get even less than a week of rest then i forget every single kanji i’ve tried to study, it’s horrible being the “Honor student that always wins the best student diploma” but if you ask him to read some stupid 島 he isn’t able to read it while others can ’cause i guess he’s stupid or something, ugh, like, last time there where finals i won the best student diploma for having the best overall scores in them, i didn’t even placed at the top of any of the categories (General Kanji Knowledge, Sentence Making, Conversational Skills) but placed second in all of them while different students placed at number 1 at each one of them, you may think something like “That’s pretty good, it still means that you are the best all arround” but the only thing i was feeling at the moment was disappointment, i felt like i was still not good at anything and i became ultra depressed even tho i recieved a diploma and a public shout out at the closing ceremony, i still felt like i was useless, that’s the type of person i am. People (Just Mother and all of psychologists) usually tell me that i often ask myself for way better results that i’m capable of provinding and that that’s the thing that destroys my mind and i should stop asking myself to do the imposible, but man, my worst fear is not going insane, it’s accepting mediocrity.
Anyways, feeling down i thought i would cheer myself up by going to the Udon place to have some really nice dinner away from home in an enviroment that would make me forget about my own stupidty for a while, so i went there and arrived at the store and sitted down, some weird Irish looking waitress was at the counter, she’s the owner’s wife they are a Irish/Japanese couple that can’t talk spanish but somehow ended up in this country and built a business, so she tried her hardest at speaking spanish to me while i was ordering food, the be honest i was really tired of trying to do japanese but failing miserably so i kept on using spanish instead of switching to english or japanese, languages she is way better at, i’m kinda sorry now, i could’ve make her life a little bit easier if i wasn’t feeling so douchbagy… so my food arrived and while i was digging through pork, egg and rice i noticed i wasn’t feeling any better, and then i realized i was feeling really lonely.
Loneliness has always been with me since i changed from my old horrible self, i’ve always thought of it as the price i’ve had to pay for being mean to so many people back in the day but somehow i regained some of my old friends and have made some new ones so i thought i was the most blessed guy ever, then i remembered that that isn’t really the case, people have always been at my side but not with me, no one is ever at my side and i’ve spended more, even my bestie (the guy that sent me the Arctic Monkey message) never talks to me or messages me ever, like we talk/hang out once a month or so and that’s it but he keeps on calling me his best friend and making me feel important to him and maybe i am but… somehow i don’t feel like that’s the truth… man, i just one someone i can talk to at least every week.
Or maybe i’m just way overneedy or something. I suck so much.
Here’s another chicken by the same girl that drew me the last one, i wished i could become way more friendly with my “fans”
Today i talked to my psycologist, nothing really came out of our conversation we just recaped some of our other conversations while trying to remember what we concluded in them, so as it’s becoming usual today there’s nothing really that interesting to talk about.
Just 3 minutes earlier before starting writing this i was watching anime with my IRL friends, it’s kinda weird because they are really not that into anime (well one of those is but he’s just your run of the mill weaboo), 5 years ago we’ve got into this weird thing where if we’re talking on discord and it becomes late and we’re really not chatting about anything in particular we just try and watch some random anime, we use two methods for choosing the anime we’re trying to watch, the first one it’s that one of us recommends anime until the three of us agree on one to watch (This is the way that i got into Precure as weirdly as it sounds) as may guess, this one is really a hard method of choosing because even if only one of us is against watching something then we don’t watch it and even if our tastes are kinda similar we often look for diferent experiences on certain nights so we don’t usually agree. The Second method, the one we mostly use ’cause it’s way more effective it’s one i which we use the random anime function on certain webpages and each one of us get to re-roll whichever anime gets chosen by the random function, if we spend all our re-rolls then we watch whatever the webpage chooses and we get no say in the matter, you know, this is kind of a really great way of watching anime with friends, it makes you find some of the hidden gems that no one’s ever takled about or it makes you watch some weird 90’s anime OVA that’s pretty bad but because you are watching it with friends your autistic inner self comes out of nowhere and everything becomes a joke, watching some weird anime like Brave Beats alone might prove a boring experience but with friends at your side it becomes this amazing anime about dancing demi-gods fighting it all out, watching this scene along two of my best friends was one of the most amazing experiences i’ve had with any piece of media ever.
The reason why i’ve brought this out it’s because we rolled the roulette today and we landed on some really cheaply made anime about some angels trying to defend earth from the fallen angels called Saint Beast, a trip to google will quickly make you realize from the artstyle that this is a Yaoi anime made for that tiny side of the fujoshi espectrum that really likes shounen anime, and while the anime was pretty alright (Kinda awfully dumb with the only atractive thing being the boys looks, pure bishounens) the reason i’m talking about this is because recently i’ve been reading a ton of Fujoshi media, mostly manga of course, and i should say that… i’ve been enjoying it a ton! It might sound like im trying to hide something here but believe me that the reason i’ve been reading so much it’s because Fujoshi media it’s full of incredible artists! Like, you wouldn’t believe the amount of amazing Yaoi artist out there, their way of drawing human anathomy is usually really stylized featuring really weird hand/arms/head/legs proportions and the most clean lineart out there in modern manga! Plus, as it’s drawn mostly by girls that fantazise about really handsome classy boys you often see really amazing ways of expressing emotion or drawing backgrounds or just simply going outright mental with the layouts, you don’t often see this type of thing in Yuri manga, they usually feature the same old boring artstyle, it’s fairly boring compared to the baroque/flower obsession of Yaoi manga artists, my favourite one being Nakamura Asumiko-sensei, her artstyle it’s simly amazing, the lesson here it’s that i think people should be more open with the types of media they consume, yeah maybe you don’t find the idea of Boy x Boy as engrossing as other things but you should try to read some anyways, you might find something that you couldn’t find anywhere else.
The only catch it’s that more often than not Fujoshi media tends to be REALLY LEWD, there’s almost no piece that doesn’t feature sex, and i really don’t like the modern obsession with sexually charged content that’s appearing all over otaku (And not otaku) media, while sexuality it’s important to me (as the guy that wants to become a girl that’s kinda obvious) i don’t think the solution for sexually repressed feelings it’s searching for cheap trills on media, as a guy that stopped looking at lewd media 4 years ago and it’s living perfetly fine i can say that its perfectly doable, the main point of sexuality resides on it’s reciprocity and that reciprocity it’s what makes it so cute and natural, and that’s also what makes the pursuit of sexuality of lewd media so impure and cheap.
I will talk about my ideas of purity and things on some other entry but if you kinda want to know what the hell am i talking about then tough luck! Not even i know what i usually talk about!
Just look at those pefect lines, black/white balance and proportions I love it
Random Thought Of The Day
“Control was lost when my brain started fighting me”
Ey, what up? Guess what! Today i’m literally out of ideas for the diary, yep, not even one, i was going to try and write about my love life stories because i wanted to spice up things but ehhh maybe i’ll talk about that later, then i thought about continuing the “Things i’ve always wanted to do” but idk, i wanna save some of those stories and things for later, so i settled on writing about what happened today but… nothing really out of the ordinary happened… hm…
Having nothing to write about on a diary it’s kinda what i feared when i started this, like, earlier in my life (prolly when i was 14 but i don’t really remember) i tried to write a diary on some cute book my sister gave me cause it was to heavy for her school backpack, at that time writing on a cute book with my own writing (Which SUCKED really hard cause i didn’t care at all) was something i thought was pretty stupid and for some reason i didn’t want to write something on a computer ’cause i thought that was kinda less geniune… idk, my line of thought is weird, but the funny thing is, the reason why i didn’t started the diary on that cute book it’s because i knew i wouldn’t have anything to write on it, i tried one day to write but the only thing that came out where some “Today was okay, went to school, got yelled at, came back home, went outside to draw and then came back to have dinner and then slept”, pretty much just babble.
You know, writing about how i sucked at writing (I still do, im sorry 〜 ) made me remember how i used to spend my afternoons, so let’s talk about them. When i was 14 i lost most of my friends for reasons i don’t want to discuss right now so i became a pretty lonely guy, we lived on a pretty classy residential complex so i could go out and talk to some of the other kids in the complex (as i used to do) but as they where from rich families eventully they all started coming back home really late ’cause of cram school/sports clubs so when i went outside nobody was there, i hated being home because i was a pretty horrible kid and hated my parents ’cause of puberty so even if they wheren’t home i spended all of the afternoon outside the house, as i became bored i started carrying with me this notebook in wich i used to draw in class plus a nintendo Dsi i which i tried animating on the Flipnote app, i still have memories of it being the beggining summer plus beggining of school and all i did was to lay down on some grass drawing whatever came to my mind, i didn’t even used references or look at some trees or something, i just tunnel visioned into drawing on that notebook/DSi for at least 4 hours a day, in restrospect it’s such a wonder why i still draw so badly even tho i spended so much time alone drawing my heart out, if talent/lack of talent exist maybe i am the living proof of it.
During this time some shoujo manga like thing happened where a girl that passed near me everyday saw me laying on the ground drawing and eventually we started talking and drawing together and things, i think i got out of the house at 2 Pm, layed on the ground drawing until 5:30 Pm the time in which the girl returned home and then we spended an hour or so talking and drawing, it sounds kinda cute but the reality of it was that i was a pretty apathetic guy that was trying to be alone for a while so our conversations where really one sided, DUDE IM CRINGING SO HARD RN AT MY OLD SELF, LIKE DUDE, THERES A GIRL TRYING TO BE YOUR FRIEND AND YOU ARE JUST THERE GIVING COLD RESPONSES TO HER TRYING TO DO THE BEST IMPRESSION OF A CRINGY SASUKE TEEN, OMG, i hate myself so much.
So… yeah, i’ve arrived home! Actually i arrived yesterday but i was so tired i couldn’t write anything so i just rested, i hate seeing gaps in between my diary entries because you know they are supossed to be a daily thing but i couldn’t really write them while i was on a trip, my phone is kinda garbagio and i often write these entries at 10/11 pm and being in a hotel room with 3 people that want to sleep makes that a little bit anoying so as one of my friends says “Shoganai y pa’ lante”, so today’s diary entry is actually a review of what happened on those missing days! I don’t want it to be some long and boring entry so i will try go as fast as i can… Ready?
So the day after i made the post about not being able to sleep i actually got really tired while writing it and died on the bed, but as i am cursed i just slept 2 hours, yep, i’m one of those really cursed people that when they wake up they can’t go back to bed so i was pretty dead through that day, after having breakfast we hopped on the car again to go and hit some tourist/religious places on the city, we went to this weird Virgin Mary Altar that’s supossed to make miracles and things so people that actually got help on what they wished for leaved some plaques with their names on it and some sort of “thank you mary” message, the thing is the place it’s actually FULL OF THEM, like it’s crazy! stairs are full of them, floor it’s full of them, the nearby wall it’s full of themm it actually makes you question the veracity of the whole ordeal, like if you actually wish for something it’s going to come true! While i believe in miracles i am not one that asks for them, i believe that one may do their best job at what we’re trying to accomplish and if outside forces wish to help then they may do, i’m not sold on the idea that being a lazy but religious person it’s going to be rewarded, but this time, in the spurt of the moment i made some wish, i won’t reveal it tho but if it becomes true then i guess i’ll have to visit there again some time. The statue it’s called Mary “Mystic Rose” (Rosa Mística) if you want to look at some photos of the plaques, also, that’s a damn cool as heck name isn’t it? my chuunibyou it’s tingling!
After that we went to the biggest mall on the city so we could do some window shopping plus have lunch, DUDE, like, DUDE, that mall it’s FULL to the brim with the CUTEST clothes shops i’ve seen!, the city we went to it’s actually a weird one in terms of weather, sometimes the sun it’s able to melt your skin while you are feeling actually really fresh, its sometimes hot and often softly cold, it sometimes rains and others it’s so hare you only see blue, so clothes on that city are pretty much whatever you want, thing is, we are on a kinda cold season so everywhere you go they had comfty/fluffy/cute/soft clothes with really cute colours, i SO MANY cute beige cardigans! BUT, and there’s always a “but” with me when i talk about clothes, I COULDN’T ENTER ANY OF THE SHOPS ’cause i was with my family so i couldn’t bring out my inner girl, so i, painfully, just looked at them while we passed by, trying to not get caught staring at them. After that, we went to the central park of the city, from the outside you see these really nice looking buildings and a ton of foreing people coming in and out of them and the city itself has this reputation of growing the most beatiful orchids on the country (they actually have a festival about them) so i was pretty hype to see some AMAZING FLOWER BEDS but as reality hits, the park was awful, i is this weird stone path full of greenery and baboo that you can not touch at all surrounding this small lake where some cute turtles arrive on the shores to eat, and ducks, tons of ducks, so as we walked trough the park we where looking for the flower beds but couldn’t find them so we asked a guy that worked there and he pointed us out in the direction of some flowers, we got hyped but when we arrived it just was these really small group of flowers that where not even arranged at all, they looked like they where just there waiting to be planted somewhere else (those are the flowers that appear on my twitter photos) damn, so much for hype, after that we just went to have some dinner and then returned to the hotel.
When we arrived i recieved a message from the guy that diched me out asking me if maybe we could meet up the next day, i agreed but my family was like “Famiky you know that tomorrow we are leaving really early to that rock we talked about so we can’t drive you out to meet your friend” and i was like “DUDE I’M GROWN, i’m able to take public transport man, i got this, no sweat” i was actually really scared cause i’m a baby and even getting on a bus is really hard for me, add also that i knew almost nothing about moving on the city we where in so i was pretty much terrified but thinking about having to take another 2 hour drive to see some dumb rock bringed out the inner power in me. That’s the power of avoiding boredom!
So next day i woke up at 10 am, i was alone in the hotel room, i had showered, went to have some breakfast, searched out how to arrive to the mall we where meeting in and then, i had time to kill, so i just watched these cute af japanese school confessions compilations that youtube was recomending me, man, people have such guts when talking about love and such, it’s actually amazing how love can change people, it makes some shy and others bring out their outmost guts, that why i love being in love, it makes you thing about improving yourself so that some special other may notice you, even if that other rejects you the things you made to change yourself probably made you more selfconsious of your flaws and gaved you a reason to improve them, that’s why i love love and often write poems about that on twitter, as cringy as they are. So the time came and i got my guts together and departed on my journey… and it was pretty easy, turns out that the city it’s also one of the best structured cities on the country so moving from place to place it’s a cakewalk even i you are as scaredly as me, i arrived at the place with even more time to spare that i planned so i window shopped for a while until i saw some “Juan Valdez” coffe shop and i absolutely love the iced drinks there so i went there to buy a Matcha Frappé, one of the best frappés ever concieved by the human mind, i asked the clerk for it: “Can i have a Matcha Frappé please?” and the guy goes “What?” and i froze, i’m actually awfuly scared of buying things when i’m alone and i don’t really know why, like if i have someone at my side i’m completly normal but if im alone i pretty much become one of those budda statues, anyways, i repeated my order again and then the clerk goes “I don’t get it” so i said “Ehm…an Iced Matcha Drink? You know…” and the guy goes “Are you talking about the Snowy Matcha? It’s like a frappé but made of matcha” and i died, DUDE, i don’t care about your city’s accent being that strong BUT WHO THE HELL CALLS A MATCHA FRAPPÉ A SNOWY MATCHA, the worst part being that HE KNEW ABOUT THE THING BEING CALLED A FRAPPÉ, LIKE, WHERE YOU MAKING FUN OF ME OR WHAT?
Anyways, i met with the discord server guy, his nickname’s Mick, he’s a pretty cool guy that’s kind of a rythm game otaku and me being a japanese music otaku we get along pretty well, i had one of those “This dude’s face and voice don’t match at all!” moments i often have thanks to almost all of my recent relationships being born out of internet interaction, do people think that about me when they see me? I have a pretty normal voice but when i talk on a microphone my voice sounds extremely deep (People on my twitch often say i have a radio host’s voice) so i have to wonder what type of thought goes trough someone’s head when they realize that the deep voice they’ve been talking to comes out from a really normal dude that acts really girly irl, so, after we met we started talking about things while walking arround the mall, we went and bought some “Chocorramos” a chocolet covered cake and while we ate we took some photos conmemorating the first meet up of my discord server! even tho we where just two guys eating cake! Yay! We pased arround until we found some music shop, i haven’t seen a music shop in almost 10 years, the one near town closed because music cds in 2010 where pretty much a thing of the past even tho the shop was a TOWER RECORDS ONE, YOU KNOW, THAT SHOP THAT HAD ALL OF THE MUSIC YOU WISHED FOR AND EVEN MORE??? i remember going in as a kid and seeing all of those weird japanese album imports standing on pristine shelfs with some audiotecnica heaphones at the side so you could sample some of the albums on the shelf, dude i swear to god some of the albums i listen to now where on one of those shelfs, so when we entered that music shop nostalgia kicked me really hard and i couldn’t resist the urge to just flip trough every single disc they had, Mick did the same and we had a talk about bands and current and old music while flippinf trough shelfs of discs, it was so wholesome i could almost cry, at some point we found some Daft Punk album he was actually looking for, i think it was Human After All (Mick if you’re reading this correct me please, loviu) so he bought it, i wanted to buy some of my favourite Beetles albums but they only had them on vinyl and even if i had the money i would have lost my head having some beetles vinyl that i couldn’t play at all.
After that told Mick that i wanted to look at more music shops arround the city but when we looked for some in google they where really far of where we where so we took a bus to some other, fancier mall on the city to try some luck, we got kinda lost and arrived at a diferent, really small mall and i was like what, then i remembered the neighborhood we where on and inmediatly i knew it, it was the same as the one i wich that fancy mall i went to with my family was! so we walked arround until we found it and then i came up with the best idea ever, if i couldn’t look at all those cute shops because my family was holding me back then i could just go all out now as i’m with some guy that does know i am the way i am, so i tortured Mick by entering as much clothes shops as i could, Naf Nafm, Sara, Gef, Mango, i wanted to hit them all! and turns out Mick is kinda interested in clothes ’cause he really likes Kigurumis so we had some chats about the clothes we where looking at! It was awesome! obiously as we entered the clerks look at us really weird, two normal looking dudes are just staring and talking about womens clothes so i thinks most of them thought we where planning on stealing them, you know that when you enter some clothing shop a clerk comes by and asks you if you need any help? well, when we entered the clerks inmediately came to us asking if we needed anything in the most worried voice they could make, it was actually really funny, as i was the one driving Mick into these shops i answered the clerks by saying “Nah, i just want to look at that cute ansemble over there, thanks” while making an “Ara Ara, don’t worry my dear i know what a want” type of expression, DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE, i don’t know why but IT FELT AMAZINGLY FABULOUS! i loved it uwuwuwuwuwuwuwuw, the only placed i didn’t hit was this Bath & Body Works shop that i had entered with Mother and Sister, sister bought the cutest body lotion ever that smelled like pure love that i also wated to buy but… you know, i didn’t enter there because as FASHIONISTA as i was feeling shyness overcamed me and threw me off, damn, i need to grow FIERECER.
After all that window shopping we went to have some drinks and that when Mick saw it, a little but crowded mini arcade, so we thought “Man, having DDR on this place would be kind of impossible right? but… wanna try?” we haslty went there wishing there was at least some DDR clone we could just fiddle arround for while but when we arrived we saw it, AN ACTUAL DDR ARCADE MACHINE, we where stunned, Mick has been looking for an actual DDR machine on the city and all he could find was some cheap ass Pump it Up machine but there she was, a DDR, 2009 and all but a DDR, and i haven’t even reached the best part, IT HAD 3 CREDITS ALREADY ON IT, DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE, some guy just leaved them there and nobody in no one know how long didn’t touch the machine at all, it was waiting for us, it was the perfect way to end our meet up, a japanese music otaku and a rythm game otaku dacing to the rythm of the music that defined japanese 2000s tecno.
That’s it, i left out some other things but i’ve been writing for a while now and i’m tired, also i’ve had this song on loop all this time and it’s starting to melt my brain so i’m off now, Diary of Becoming a Princess will return it’s daily posting from today on, hope you keep on reading (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧
Here’s one photo of one of the cute shops we went into, my phone died when we entered so i couldn’t take more of these TTwTT
Random Thought of the Day
“When mind gives up but heart keeps on, the pain becomes insufferable”
Picture me writing this at 3:41 AM on some hotel bed on a city really far away from my hometown, my Father is on my right side snoring as lowdly as he can while my Mother, to the far left side, answers him in snores too, married couples are kinda weird, the dude from the hotel’s reception forgot that we were a family of four so on the room they where only 3 pillows so i willingly gave mine so my Mother could sleep well, my head is supported by some blankets and it started to hurt 2 hours ago, i’m extremely axious because sleeping outside the comfort of my room has becomed impossible to me and to top it of my heart it’s fluttering because i’m a baby and this late at night embarassing thoughts about holding hands with her and huging her flood my mind, i am TRULLY a mess.
So as you may notice i can’t sleep even if my life depended on it, i have a pretty horrible sleep schedule but the convination of all those things is making everything rather painful.
I have 70% phone battery and 100% mental battery so let me just rant until one of those runs out ok? Ok. Dude, remember last diary entry when i talked about having good memories of road trips? BIG REGRET, SPENDING 9 (nine, NINE) HOURS ON A CAR it’s rather a horrible experience, it started nice and all, we where all chatting about family stuff and for the first 2 hours we where really having a great time, by hour 5 we where all dead, the combination of really bad planning of road blocks, WAY OVERPRICED TOLLS and some really bad songs repeated OVER AND OVER on the radio killed what little remained of our energy, i feel bad for my Father having to drive us all the way for so long while having almost no rest time, he is awesome.
So we arrived at the city, we searched for a hotel, Mother went to her religious thingies while we waited outside eating churros and then we went to have some dinner, keep in mind, it was 11:30 so we had to search for some open place for while, we returned to the hotel and then everyone just died on their beds (except me of course, ’cause i’m cursed). Before we went our for dinner i sent a message to one of my Twitch discord server dudes that lives on this city, i told him i was coming here so we could try and meet up and he agreded but when i told him i was actually in town he just goes and “I don’t think i’ll be able to meet you tomorrow tho” NHGGGGF, Man, help me out! Mother’s plan was to sleep here and then DRIVE OUT AGAIN on some 2 HOUR TRIP to some relogious rock or whatever and i’m trying my hardest to avoid that and you are just ditching me out? Nhgnghghghhfhghghg like i get i now sound like a such a baby but man i swear to god i’m actually about to cry, i thought i was ready to deal with this for the sake of their happiness but this is taking more of my mental health i thought it was going to take, i’m so anxious right now, i’m really about to cry.
My stupid hyperactive mind does not help either, instead of just shutting up now i’m floded by “What does she think of me”s & “Life together will be something like…”s & “I want to talk about so much with her”s, ahg… i knew i fell for her a while ago, i tried to avoid it because my love life it’s full of “I really like this person but they don’t really care at all for me while some other person i’ve never showed interest in is now declaring their love to me” type of situations (The irony), i really don’t get it, why am i so popular with gay guys? Like i try MY HARDEST at being girly and then you go and say “Famiky, thing is you’ve got everything a gay guy wants” (Someone actually declared their love to me by saying this), i so don’t get it, my luck with girls is worst, when there’s a girl i like they usually just see me as a friend and nothing else, i think that’s because i act girly and things and no girl wants to date some girly guy, they rather date some other girl, so i often feel like i’m in some limbo, guys like me because i’m girly (I think? I know it makes no sense) but i don’t like guys, and girls don’t like me because i’m girly and no one wants to date a weirdo like me, uhg…
I was ranting pretty hard so i stoped to look at what i’ve been writing and it’s making me cringe a little, i swear to god i’ve been stuck at 15 my entire life.
Today i’ve been preparing for some family trip that we’re going to make giving the religious break that we’re in, so i started reminiscing about our old family trips that we used to make while i was a child, back then when i didn’t had a sister and my parents where young and full of energy we used to travel to a ton of places, we never traveled out of the country but man if i don’t know this country like the palm of my hand, we hitted every single tourist and not tourist places in here and because we didn’t really had any money back then we did then all by car so we where this weird united family that traveled all arround the country on this red 90’s chevrolet every single holiday there was, not only that but my Mother’s family it’s also pretty big (She’s got 6 brothers and sisters and they are all married and have children) so in winter holidays we also used to travel with them on convoy to some rented villa near the mountains and spended time together in true christmas fashion, i have some pretty good memories of playing with my cousins in some pool or some campfire ghost stories one of my uncle used to told us or that one time that we played the most lively Mario Party 5 game i’ve ever experienced, those where some amazing memories. But, as time passed those trips stoped, mostly because i became an angsty teenager that hated everything but also because my sister was born, i still think it’s all my fault, i’ve cause way to many troubles for my family because i wanted to be alone and those types of trips where became the most boring thing to me, the last trip i remember we did i spended it all sleeping on some hammock, i didn’t really talked to anyone and i just showed up for christmas dinner and when we finished i inmediately went back lay down, you know, for the longest time now i’ve hated my older self so much that i can’t even forgive myself for the things i did, i’ve caused so many troubles to my family, friends, teachers, cousins, everyone, there was even a point in which even all of my childhood friends started hating me and avoiding me so i became this loner guy that tried to put on this “i hate you all” aura so i could pretend i didn’t care at all, in reality i was really confused about everything.
In one of my sessions with my psycologist she asked me to bring some old childhood photos in which my mother and i where on, so i brought up 2 of them, one in which i was cosplaying as Kenshin for some halloween party and another one i which my mother was buying some weird shaved ice treat for me while i was goofin arround her, so my psicologist asked me to descrive to her what i was seeing in those photos and the thing i saw wasn’t my mother or me, i saw my father, he obviously wasn’t in the photo but as we where a 3 person family the only one that could have taken those photos was him, and they where not some prepared photos in which we where all posing for the camera with fake smiles on our faces but they where spontaneous photos taken in the midst of the moment meaning that the one person i thought didn’t care for me that much actually cared so much for mother and me he didn’t even thought about him not appearing in the photo, take in mind that those photos where taken in the 90s meaning we didn’t had digital cameras which means that just taking the photo wasn’t enough, even if he was as busy as my mother he took the actual time to go to some photo studio and waited for some time for the photos to be revealed… man, that made me tear up.
When i write about friends and family i tend to write them in the most amazing way i can because they are so amazing that someone like me don’t deserve to have them in my life, they have cared about me all the time and i payed them in the most horribly disrespectful manner, they have forgived me even though i was such a horrible person, even if i constantly shell myself from human interaction, even if i’m still stuck in home leeching of of them, they have forgived me and they’re constaly giving me support, they are trully the best.
I’m so sorry i’ve been like this
So, due to the family trip i don’t think i’ll be able to write on this diary for the next 2 to 3 days so you’ll forgive me (As if anyone reads this).
Day 2 of torture ended with me not knowing what to write here, after a day of doing mundane things like cleaning my room, washing the dishes, go out to rent some dvd’s for my sister and walking the dog i just had nothing, literally, it made me think about all that time that i felt it went into the drain, it’s obvious that time it’s such a relative thing but it may not hit you until you put it into your perspective, try to remember that one time you hanged out with your first crush, that time you went to that awesome concert or just that special moment that you lived with your best friend, chances are, it was a long time ago.
The phrase “You’ve grown so much!” it’s one that i took for granted, like, obviously i’ve grown but it wasn’t until one of my little cousins that i’ve always remembered as that little guy i spended a whole afternoon playing with was driving me out to his house on his mom’s car that i finally felt it, man, he’s grown so much, i don’t know how to really descrive it but i feels like everyone’s moving out without me, somedays i check up on facebook because i want to talk to some friend that refuses to use twitter and im suddenly greeted with a photo of one of my old classmates wedding, “What, isn’t he like too young to be marrying someone” and then i remember that it’s been 6 years since he graduated, it’s the same thing over and over again, pregnant people, graduated out of college people, even people that have died while i’m here, not really that different from what i was, being stuck in time.
Yesterday (actually it was 2 AM of today) i was talking to some people over in my Twitch’s Discord server, i often pop up in the voice chat and ask the people in the server if they want to talk with me for a while, i talked to some people i haven’t even heard their voices in 6 months or so, one of them was the girl that drew me yersterday’s drawing, i haven’t talked to her in such a long time but her voice and attitude was the same as i remembered and then she asked me if i could give her an invite so her boyfriend may join the conversation, her boyfriend joined and that’s when it hitted me, she is now 18, when she first joined my twitch chat she was just 16 and was getting over a break up but now she was there, happy as can be, 2 years older and 2 years wiser, dude, i felt like if some weird organization froze my body up and replaced me with a clone for the past 2 years and a week ago they released me, the same about some other friend that was in the conversation, a guy i’ve known for 2 years and a half and while talking yesterday he told me about how he dropped out of college but began an english course and now he’s teaching english in some schools, i could talk about many more people that had showed me the passage of time in such a weird way but i wouldn’t be making the point any clearer, MAN, where has my time gone to?
While i was deep in thought about these thing i came to the realization that from the perspective of someone that hasn’t talked to me in 2 years maybe i was a whole different person, i’m now learning japanese and i’m a patissier student, my appereance has change a lot and even my mannerisms and the way i express myself now has taken a 180 turn from what i was not only 2 years ago but all of my life until now, it made me begin to appreciate if just a tiny bit the things i’ve done to change over these past years, even if i feel like my time is running out, at least i’m trying to spend it the best way i can. But maybe that’s just a stupid thing that everyone knows except me.
So, how much have you changed
over these past years?
Random Thought Of The Day
“The more things i want to stay the same, the more i want them to change”
Goodbye Namaiki Girl 