Today i went to my psicology session, if you remember last week it was cancelled and i had some things to tell my psycologist so she could help me with them but i ended up resolving them on my own so i told her about it in this session along with the chaos that has been happening these past days plus some other personal things, she congratulated me on keeping my sanity on my own and this felt awful for me, like if she was saying something like “Yay, you dealed with baby’s first mental breakdown, have a cookie” or something like that, like i comprehend that i am not the sanest person ever but man i’m not a baby you know?… nah, i’m indeed a baby, i cry for dumb things, get depressed over nothing, think negatively and many other things, but i guess getting over the crazyness that this week has been deserves a little aplause, even tho this is normal for many other people.

So now i think i’m ready to tell you about last saturday, don’t get your hopes up tho, it’s pretty dumb.

So on Saturday i woke early, got ready and then went to pastry class, i usually go there by taxi ’cause is close enough to be cheap but far enough to be a bother and so i got of the taxi and i forgot to put my celphone in my backpack (Cause it’s kinda dangerous to have it on my pocket) and as i was putting it in i noticed that my wallet was gone, so i started panicking and searching it all over aaaaaaaaaaaaand i couldn’t find it, i left it on the taxi and the guy had already been long gone so i left out a sigh and a shouganai and went to class and as i arrive, pretty downed by what had happened but trying to get myself up so i didn’t fall into depression the chief chef greets me with this really surprised expression on his face and i tell him “Hm? What?” and the guy goes “Dude, you wheren’t supossed to be here today, you knew that there was a Mother’s day event didn’t you?”, ahgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg i had forgotten about that and the guy usually reminds me on whatsapp about things like this but this time he didn’t so ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhggggggggg i woke up really early for nothing, so guy goes “Well, now that you are here help me out with today’s event prepatarions” and i was like “Well, whatever…” so we planned on making Chocolate Lavas, Chiffon Cake and Bread Pudding but there was no chocolate left in the kitchen so the guy goes “Well i guess you have to go and buy some” and he handles me a bill, and i stood there frozen, oh man, if i panic when i’m in that place i told you about that scares me with my teacher at my side now imagine me being there alone, plus i have to talk to some dude on some store all on my own while panicking…”maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan why is this happening to me?” so i humbly took the bill and headed there ’cause “Like, whatever, is not like anything worse can happen now” and i was right, it went way more smoothly that i thought i was going to be, seems like i’ve already gotten over that fear, feels nice.

So i returned to the kitchen and as i enter a venezuelan guy was waiting at the door for someone to let him in and then INMEDIATELY i remember: “Ah, my ID was in my wallet… OH SHIET” let me explain, due to the recent wave of venezuelans migrating into our country police patrols have begun to storm the street looking for people without identification, almost every single time i go to japanese class i get asked for it by them so not having my ID with me now REALLY mixed my head up, i was like “oh man, so now i can’t go to japanese class ’cause that’s on monday and i need a new id and i can’t get it today ’cause they usually close early and on sundays the don’t even open and i have to go there alone again and suffer from all of that pre-anxiety only for things to go smoothly but what if there’s a problem and i don’t know how to respond to it and…” and then, i was lost for the rest of the day, AND ME BEING LOST WAS THE WORST THING TO HAPPEN WHILE I WAS WORKING IN THE KITCHEN, EVEN MORE SO ‘CAUSE I WAS WITH THE CHIEF CHEF TODAY AND THAT GUY IS REALLY PICKY ABOUT EVERYTHING, so, i fucked up everything i did, and i mean it, every, single, thing i did, and so, i got scolded and the more i got scolded the more my brain got lost and it formed a horrible circle that i couldn’t escape for the rest of the day, but, by far the worst thing that happened is that when i was trying to get the Chocolate mixture in the cups and i kept on spilling some of them on the table the chief chef got mad and said to me something like “Dude, i know you are all manly and shit but these things need delicacy and you shouldn’t be afraid of doing girly things like these” and i lost it there, i know it sounds horribly stupid but man, i hitted me, i made me think “man… no matter how much i try i will always be this kind of man, when my cute facade expires i’m just this… i’m not naturally cute…” aaaaand i sinked hard, later when i returned home, no wallet, no pride, scolded and depressed, i just got into my bed and cried myself to sleep.

Random Thought of The Day

“At least the taxi guy was honorable enough to leave my wallet at a police station…”

Today has been a really weird day, i’ve been kind of the edge of anxieties and shit and everything its been kind of building up to a really big down time for me, this week it’s been crazy, things happen, things don’t happen and if they happen they usually end up destroying all of my plans for the future, man, it’s been hard to me these past days, when i think things are going pretty normal suddenly something happens and then i’m trown way off balance, same thing happened last saturday.

So what happened today was that thing i mentioned in twitter about me having lunch with my family and then suddenly a guy enters our home and starts begging for pardon and saying things like “You know i will never harm your son and daughter” while crying and screaming, DUDE, it freaked me out so hard, we all freaked out, like it was so damn sudden that we didn’t even had time to react at all, when we came back to our senses the guy was already right beside our dinnertable, and… even tho i’m a pretty chill guy most of the time i was feeling so shocked+pieved (Also everyone was petrified by the shock) by the situation that i got kinda mad at him and i stood up and tried to reason with him, funny thing tho cause the thing i said was “Dude like, we are like… eating right now…” and at that moment Mother came back to her senses and told him something i cannot discuss here and then he leaved crying.

Man, i swear my family isn’t some weird cultist thing or mafia thing but i’ve seen a ton of scenes like these before because of them, me and my Father often say to Mother things like “You sure are the only one sane person in this family” like MAN, i would really like to tell you but these things don’t really concern me so i won’t do it, BUT BELIEVE ME, THEY ARE PRETTY CRAZY PEOPLE.

So now i need to live with the fact that someone actually threatened to kill me and my sister but he backed out of it, man, i really need a break from this, or maybe i just need something good to happen for once in a millenia, i’m going crazy man.

Random Thought Of The Day

“Poor Mari, i should have opened that door instead of her…”

Nothing happened today, pretty normal day, but you know? sometimes even i miss days like that, days when my heart isn’t racing like crazy, days when my mood is plain as it can be, days when i can feel im getting into a routine, you know? people often complain about having routines in their life but i think i need more of those in mine, by now you may have figured out that i need a little bit mor guidance than other people so routines serve me a lot since they are like a predetermined “Shape of life” that you live daily.

So about what happened on saturday… i had all intention to write about that today but while i was thinking in the bus while trying to write it bad feelings clotted my mind so i stopped, i’m going to tell you about it but maybe not now, i’m gonna wait until i’m more stable to tell it, it’s not like if it is something really interesting tho so don’t get your hopes up, more like it’s a pretty stupid thing blown way out of proportion (‘Cause i’m a baby), so, after getting bad feelings i scaped to my usual scape place, Coltemonikha, i cannot put into words how much Coltemonikha is able to heal me, i owe a ton to Kate Sakai and Yasutaka Nakata for making that album ’cause it really has shaped a lot of my believes and atitude towards life, i mean, it’s because Coltemonikha showed me that cuteness can come in many shapes that i accepted my gender disphoria instead of just searching excuses for it.

I’ve explained why i like Coltemonikha in various ways over my work (I’ve done videos about them, i’ve written about them, i recommeded them to all of the people that ask me about music…) but if i need to put that feeling into way shorter words i’ll just say that Coltemonikha to me is “Cuteness in Natural Purity”, and what i mean by that is that Sakai Kate’s work is formed by the idea that cuteness is a characteristic that people have/can obtain but it comes from the desire of being cute itself, it naturally comes out of the person instead of it being forced, and that really shows in her drawings, music and dresses, where she usually combines the kawaii aspects of life with nature itself, and it all comes from a place of subtlety, as if saying that “Cuteness needs to be found, not expressed”, idk if this is making sense to you so i’ll cut it here, but man, i think that Coltemonikha (And of course, And Curtain Call and Made In Colkinikha) has shaped me in such a weird way, i wonder how will Sakai Kate would react if she gets to know a guy like me that has been shaped by her ideas, it would probably be weird, like i still remember that interview i read about Nakata not liking that guys where listening to his “Female centric” music hahahahaha, man, is there any place in this world for people like me?

Random Thought of The Day

“I’ve listened to this band for almost 7 years now, nice”

Yesterday… all my troubles seem so fa-… sorry, man, yesterday was such a horrible day i don’t even wanna talk about it, so i won’t, exept for a little thing that happened as the day was closing. TODAY THO, today was a normal day, Mother got a little bit sick so Father took her to the hospital and then they spended the rest of the day together while i took care of the house chores, so i pretty much didn’t do anything of real value today until i recieved a call from my “Fifita” bestie telling me to go to his house to play some “Fifita” i was really bored so i went there to find out that he had actually bought Fifa for his Switch (The absolute bastard) so we played together for a while (I suck at Fifa so he pretty much destroyed me) and then we got tired of it so we ordered a pizza and went to his terrace to have some chill chats while we waited and listened to some rap music on his stereo, he’s the most hardcore rap freak i’ve seen in my life, he actually listens to WAY more music than i do and i do consider myself a music junkie so you can only imagine, so there i was, chilling on a roof, stereo bombing, the dude on my side smokin’ while i swayed on a hammock and we complained about our love lifes and feared the passage of time and stuff, it was like a scene from Life Is Strange, i was Max (Only way more grossed out by the smoke) and he was Chloe, dude, sometimes i still think i’m mentally 15, jesus.

He told me about how he had read my tweet from yesterday about it being a horrible day so he asked what had happened and… man, i don’t know what happened but i could not tell him the truth about yesterday so i bullshited it all (well, no ALL of it) like if i was talking to some stranger, he is my best friend so why did i couldn’t tell him anything? have i lost all trust in him? or is it just that life is hitting me so hard (not that hard but i feel it really hard) that i just couldn’t find the worst to describe it to him? like i’ve said, i’m indeed a baby, i cry for the dumbest things and i can’t handle any stress at all so maybe i thought my problems weren’t anything worth talking about? man, idk but that makes me feel kinda sad, now i can’t even talk with my best friend about my problems… welp. it’s not as if i’ve ever done it tho, for my deepest worries i just hide them under my bedside table where only i’m able to see them, for example, the only people that know about my wishes to be a girl are my twitch viewers and the people that have read this blog,

This is really weird to day but i think i’m able to trust random people more with this type of things than i do with my closest people, random people are just randos, they don’t really care about me or what i have to say so telling them about these things is like talking to myself (That’s the way i treat twitter btw) but talking about them with my close friends and family is just imposible ’cause i know them and they’ve known me, they know about the things i’ve done and said, they know about how much of a horrible person i’ve been in the past so telling them something like “I changed, i wanna be a girl now!” is just impossible for me, like if as long as they exist and they know about me, i cannot even beggin to forgive myself and start a new life, plus, many of them are not really okay with the whole LGBT thing so maaaan, i’m screwed on that part.

So, about that thing that happened yesterday when the day was nearly over… it has to do with her so if you want to skip this ranting you may as well do so ’cause all of this is the dumbest thing you’ll ever read. Recently i talked to a friend (I know you read these and i love you bby) about some things and we talked about my “relationship” with her and he made me realize that maybe i’m getting a little delusional, i’m talking about her tweets and how she writes them in japanese and inside them she puts these really cute/otome things about her love and how she really wants to be with “That person” but she doesn’t want to hurt them ’cause she’s a really scaredly person (omg i love her) and she doesn’t want to run away from a relationship and, idk dude, maybe my mind is just that desperate but while reading them i thought, “Dude… are these tweets for me?” like, they SEEM like it, she makes remarks that oddly kind of respond to mine and such, so i told that to my friend and he told me “Nah dude, that’s just you, that’s what love makes to you” and i don’t really want to admit it but damn… that’s definitely true, last time i sent her a DM she just responded in one message and never even saw my reply to it, we’ve just interacted with eachother on some of her tweets and by liking each other’s RTs, and i know at some point she read this diary but she stopped a long time ago, ahg… i don’t want to admit it man, it hurts a ton but man, if she has any love worries i’m not one of those, i’m just that weird guy that sometimes comments on her tweets, nothing more, dude, it hurts so much seeing those Otome hearted tweets abour she being in love and that my brain just “YeP, tHAts fOR mE” them, i’ve gotten delusional because of fear of talking to her, ahg, i suck.

So, i owe you the story about what happened yesterday, maybe i’ll tell you tomorrow.

Random Thought Of The Day

“So now i’m just hoping she gets over her fears so she can become the happiest she can be”

Uhg, man, have you ever had a day that just passes, like, you wake up in the morning and then suddenly BAM it’s almost midnight? Yep, you guest it, it was that kind of day for me and it’s not because i didn’t do anything or something like that, it’s just that everything i planned on doing today i had to cancel or pospone.

Yesterday i was talking about baking cupcakes for Mother in that toaster oven we had, yeah, HAD ’cause apparently it’s now in some of our company’s warehouse, it’s there becuase last year we moved out of our old home to a new one and in the process we had to acomodate some of our old furniture there, including the toaster oven, i’m surprised i didn’t noticed it was gone until now :)))))) So after giving up on that i tried to record a “Pensamiento en lemniscata” since i was SUPOSSED to be home alone during the day but as soon as i set up my tripod my sister came back, and sure that doesn’t impide me from recording it BUT MAN IS IT EMBARASING, last time i tried something like that some weeks later i heard her talking with her friends about me being a “youtuber” and i just inmediately cringed so hard i became a raisin, plus, Pensamiento en Lemniscata it’s suposed to be an introspective awkward thing i do and having my sister listen to my dumb introspective thoughts just kills me.

After that i recieved a message from my bestie inviting me to his home so we may play FIFA together on his Switch (He says FIFA but what he really means is just something like “dude im bored, come here so we can do something together” it’s our weird way of inviting each other to hang out, he doesn’t even have FIFA on his Switch) and i was like yeah sure whatever and then he cancelled out of nowhere ’cause idk, so yeah, that was all of my day, pretty skippable wasn’t it? How about yours?

Random Though Of The Day

“Well, ok, whatever but are we getting that oven back?”

Today, japanese, it was alright although i had some dumb hicups but whatever, nothing as bad as last week, what it’s been really weird this day is that ever since i went TO SLEEP (At 4:30 am hehehehehe) IT’S BEEN RAINING LIKE CRAZY, dude like wot is this god’s downpour or something omg it’s now 7 pm and it’s still raining, at least its a really light rain but still, when i preparing to go to class it stoped for like 10 minutes and then it started again, i usually like rain as it overlays gray onto everything and the really lively colors (Like the colors of flowers/nature in general) begin to stand out and people hide themselves in their umbrellas so streets get filled with colour, also the water droplets that remain on some buildings make them a beautiful sight when their lights and neons light up plus the usual hellish tropical heat where i live gets cooled off, it’s definitely a great aesthetic  BUT MAN I DONT WANT A DAY FULL OF RAIN, traffic gets horrible and as much as i like the pensative/apretiative/introspective aesthetic even i can get tired of it.

So, mothers day is aproaching and i wanted to buy something for mother since she’s amazing so i asked my harrasing classmate to AT LEAST SHOW ME THE WAY TO THE FLOWER/SWEETS SHOP I’VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT FOR THE PAST 2 WEEKS, i couldn’t get there on my own because for some weird reason my phone’s out of data, so i asked her and you know what happened? Her boyfriend came to pick her up as i was saying that, dude, you usually have so amazing timing but this time you destroyed my plans, she did gave me dome vague directions tho so i departed, and mid walk i realized… “Oh damn, now i have to do all of this on my own…ow…” as i’ve told you before, for some weird reason i simply can’t speak at all to store clerks if i’m on my own, i just simply turn to stone and then inmediately die of embarrasement, the worst part about it is that those vague directions DIDN’T HELPED ME AT ALL, i had to ask people on the street and locals if they knew where the store was, so i finally arrive and see this beautiful Beige/Light Gray/Pink/Yellow colonial looking building with the most lavish/fancy looking glass and some really cute flower arrangements on the front that screamed “OTOME AF”, it was like if i was in front of a jewlery… and then i inmediately realized “Oh man, this looks WAY over my price range” and guess what? It was!

The store operates like the mixture between a cafe, a flower shop and a sweets shop so most people just go there to have some petit fours while driking some cofe or something but as i was looking for something to give to mother for mothers day i asked the clerk for some advise on that AND THE GUY GOES DOWN HIS COUNTER AND LASHES OUT THIS REALLY CUTE PINK/LIGHT BROWN BOOK WITH GOLD ADCENTS AS IF HE WAS SAYING “Dudeeeeeere you came to the right placeeeee”, as soon as i saw that cute book i knew, this is GALAXIES out of my price range, i still took a look at it and it had these really amazing flower arrangements on these amazingly decorated boxes filled with chocolate covered strawberries decorated with cute ribbons, between the fanciness of the store and the constant smell of roses i was so pleased to even be there, but then i opened the book and saw the price of one set… AND IT WAS 140 DOLLARS, as i saw the price my face went from fangirl to scared to fangirl again, it was out of my range but man it looked so worth it, and as i began flippin through the book i began thinking about her “Man, i would definitely pay to give her something like this, i’m sure she’d be as amazed as i am right now”, not everything was that pricy tho, there was this cute small box set that’s decorated with some roses and a cute veil that was arround 28 dollars, i thought that it was definitely it but man i didn’t even have that kind of money on me, i’m way over broke, so i gived up and went home, if you want to look at their cute arrangements i’ll leave you a link here.

When i arrived home i told mother about the gift that i planned on giving her but couldn’t due to money and she was really happy about it, i could have made her some sweets but as i wrote yesterday the oven’s not working :/, we have a kitchen oven tho so i’m going to try and make some cupcakes on it, thing is, that oven is even less reliable than the kitchen one so i’ll try my hardest to make it work, wish me luck…i guess…

Random Thought Of The Day

“Would she be happy if i give her one of those? Or am i just too cheesy?”

Today was pretty alright, japanese classes are starting to be easier again, seems like my engine has started now plus everything has been pretty chill lately (Aside from my sudden nightly dokis) so yeah, today’s the birthday of the girl that invades my personal space so we all classmates whent and did her a little party and even tho i kinda hate her now i ended up buying everything we munched so i’m broke again (yay) but at least she promised to take me to that cute flower/cake shop that i’ve been talking about the next time we see each other.

Another plus of today was that she didn’t tried so hard to appeal to me while we where in our mini party/picnic, yeah she did grabed my arm and hugged me out of nowhere but it was WAY less intense tan last time, maybe it was because she had spent almost all of her day with her boyfriend, i’m glad she’s getting off of me it clears missunderstandings and allows me to be more “myself” in front of her, i don’t want to be an asshole with anyone but sometimes when people pass the line i kinda just start acting cold so that they may figure out my discomfort, although maybe telling them about me not being at ease is way easier.

Off topic: Like i said last time, i’ve been letting my nails grow at their phase and that’s been really weird ’cause i’ve never had nails so long as i have them right now, and it’s been horrible trying to not bite them out of stress, like i’m the middle of some thinking and instinctively my hand move to my mouth and i have to tell myself “Oh nop, stop”, also cleaning under them has become another thing added to my “pulcro” way of life, at least they are easy to clean than shaving all of my face without cutting my sensitive skin (i hate having hair in my face so much). I plan on letting them grow a little bit longer and then start polishing and painting some of them, i want to try really cute colors like some pink or yellow and i also want to try some really hipstery colors like black and green come to think of it, is gray nail polish a thing? I REALLY want to try some Gray/Soft Pink duo, all of this would probably look really bad on me but i’ve meaning to try it for a long time and now that life’s been so weird lately maybe that would give me the little push i need… でも… now that i think about it…where would i get the polish from?…

You know what’s weird? It’s really a wonder how much i’ve been enjoying writing these entires, i mean, it’s been almost a month and i’ve only missed two days ’cause of the family trip, today while i was cheking some things on my Translations blog i opened up the “Trashed” section of WordPress and i saw some of my older posts, most of them where these really pretentious easays about things that i used to write but didn’t want to translate them into video, but between them there was a post called “Blogging is Shitty” i didn’t read it but i’m sure of what i meant, i used to think that bloggin was meaningless, no diferent fron just writing little snippets of your life on twitter or facebook, now that i’m a different person i think i understand what blogging is all about:

It’s just flushing down our brain toilets.

Random Thought Of The Day

“I’M SENDING IT NOW…or maybe later…”