One weird thing about this blog is that right until i stopped writing them i had always writen them one hour before midnight, that was because i think that diaries should be written at very last minute of the day so that it could record everything in it, now that i’ve gotten out of the habbit of doing this dialy i’m trying to write whenever i have free time (Almost all of my time is free time but anyways) so that i don’t forget about writing it, so these last two days i’ve started writing these at evening which makes them not as acurate of my daily life as the previous ones, well… it’s not as if i ever talk about things in these post while taking choronology remarks but anyways, it’s weird.

Thinking about yesterday’s post a weird idea came to my head, remember that post i made where i told the reason why i started baking? “Sweets are mens gift to womanhood” or something like that, well i was thinking about it and man does it make absolute sense, femininity is a thing that is hard to discuss right now ’cause everyone thinks that it paints women in a unreal way, but the reality of the matter is that it was never supossed to paint reality as it is, the reason why we say “Sweets are mens gift to womanhood” is because most of them where created by romanticist, they pictured womanhood as fluffy, sweet, tiny and delicate not only because that was characteristic prominent in their era but also because they deliberately saw it as that, the reality of the matter is that most women arround that time where actually devoid of those characteristics we’ve implanted into sweets, not because they didn’t had them but because they weren’t inherent to them, they where forced by expectations that the old people implanted in them.

What i’m trying to say is that femininity is natural, it is not implanted, its the way a girl acts acordingly to her wishes.

So what do we call that aesthetic persona that we used to assosiate with pink and frills? if femininity is as fluid as time and it’s definition varies between eras, tendancies and even person to person? well, i don’t have the answer to that but what i trully know is that whatever we call it, it can be seen as the real, actual image of what we now call “Sweets”, and that’s because it was meant to display that, and only that characteristic.

So you could say that: “Sweets are mens gift to Fluffyness, Sweetness, Tininess and Delicacy” which means that the ones that aimed to replicate what we used to call Femininity weren’t the women we assosiated the characteristic to but the men, the cheffs, boulangers and patissiers that actively are now looked down upon for “Reducing women to one trait”, in other words… Men’s desire to reach what we used to call Femininity used to be way more big than women’s.

Anyways i’m tired, don’t blame me if this doesn’t make any sense at all.

(Not so) Random Thought of The Day

Maybe i went to BIG BRAIN on that one…

Hey, it’s ya boy, Fami, back at it again with another diary entry… Wait, i’m not doing this daily anymore so i can’t call this a diary no longer… damn.

Well anyways, i’m here again to talk about somethings that have been clotting my mind recently, first of all i want to address something i just figured out while on this heavy slump i’m having, this blog is called “Diary of Becoming a Princess” but it seems that it’s meaning has slipped my mind through all of the hardships i’m having, this blog it’s suposed to be about an outlet for my girly thoughts and anxieties about them, not just about my horrible mental health and my weirdness at tackling it! obviously i had written about other things in this diary but they where always related to my gender disphoria, or at least i tried to relate them to it, so i guess what i’m trying to say is that i’m retaking this (HOPEFULY THIS TIME) again as an outlet for that.

Guess i’m returning to my pretence of being Famiky again.

So let me start with a depressing thought just this time ok? I quitted “baking” class last friday, i don’t remember if i told you this (And i can’t be bothered to check if i’ve written about it) but the guy that runs the classes recived some scholarships from my city’s goverment and he ended up giving one to me, but that scholarship meant that now i wasn’t just a patissier student but also a general cooking student, it also meant instead of attending classes some days a week i was going every single day of the week, at first it was ok ’cause i didn’t really gave a damn about it, i mean, i thought that my unhappiness was brought up by my lack of formal studies at my age plus my lack of job (My Neetdom) so i figured “Well might as well accept the offer”, uuuuuhg, wrong move, first week was kinda boring but whatever, second week was learning about a ton of things i didn’t really care about, third week the same, fourth week the exact same, at that point i was feed up with it plus as i was then a “Cooking Student” that meant i had classmates again, most of them where really entusiastic about it and where always asking things and talking about different dishes and so on while i was always asking about basic stuff ’cause i don’t really know anything about formal cooking nor i care about it, so it was like i didn’t belong at all in there and that made me feel awful, so at the beggining of week 5 i told my teacher that i didn’t really had a passion for formal cooking, that i just wanted to bake sweets and be a patissier, nothing more, luckly he had figured i wasn’t doing very good in class so he offered me to transfer my scholarship back to baking again, i was happy about it ’cause for me it was hell just trying to talk to someone that had just gived me an scholarship saying something like “i’m sorry i don’t care about formal cooking at all” so i had to muster all of my courage just to tell him that and i had payed off!

Little did i know that thing where going to get worse from here on out, i was on baking again, and the first class i attended went really smooth, this time i had classmates again but they where just two of them, two 18 year olds that had been in class for almost two years now (I had been 1 year in class) but it didn’t affect me so everything went really well, second day though it went all sour, in the second day we had a comission for 130 pieces of carrot cake plus some local treat called “Cocada” made out of coconut, aaaaaaaaaaand while we where making them i made a ton of misses and failed at a ton of things i was supossed to be very knowledgeable at, so i was already at a bad mood ’cause i’m a horrible sore loser, but what made the day even worse was that at the end the teacher said “So there’s this argentinian chick i’m friends with and she’s gonna come in about half an hour to teach us how to make “Empanadas Argentinas” so if you want you can stay for that class” obviously i didn’t care for it at all but all my class was going to attend it plus another girl had just arrived to recieve that class plus plus my teacher was like “Soto, you’re staying right?” so i couldn’t refuse, so the chick arrived, stared talking about some things i don’t remember and then went like “What proportion of salt do you colombian people use in your dough?” and the whole class plus that other girl said something like “Something like 20 grams per kilo”, and the argentinian chick went like “Ah, then we need a little more ’cause we use a 30 grams per 500 lbs” or something like that.

I was attonished ’cause i didn’t know it at all, and these guys just blurted it out like it was common sense, i mean, it’s supossed to be common sense for anyone that works in a kitchen, except for me, ’cause i didn’t belong there.

I didn’t belong there at all

So the argentinian chick aproached me an told me “Dude we need you to boil some water” and i was inmediatly brought to my senses again, i mean, even people that had never touched a knife know how to boil water don’t they? i mean, i just need a fire proof container and a… and then it hitted me, in this kitched there are at least a thousand different things that i could use to boil water, back at home we just use a designated pot for that so it was pretty mindless but here i had a thounsand million options and i don’t know if i’m supossed to use that one or that one or that one… so i standed there, dumbfounded like if i’ve just been flashed that men in black flashlight, i completely lost track of time while thinking until the aregentinian touched my shoulder and told me “Is the water ready? i need it now” i died that moment, i hand’t even began to do the simple task i was giving and the girl was already asking for it, i lost footing, couldn’t muster a single and just stood there… until one girl in my class replied “Oh, i had already put a kettle to it, it should be ready now”

That just ended me, not only did it failed at the most simple task ever but one of my colleagues was so ahead of me that she wasn’t the person that they tasked the water with but still did it anyways, at that point i moved away from the table so that i wasn’t interfering with anyone’s job, i just stood there thinking and sulking and just losing my mind about what just happened until i broke, and in a embarasing, childish, rude, awful way of leaving i said “Teacher, i’m sorry, i don’t care about any of this, i’m leaving now, see you on friday” and before anyone could even say a word i had already packed my things and had gotten away…

That was the day of my birthday btw, the same morning i woked up to my family congratulating me and assuring me that i wasn’t a failure, that i had worth, i go and do that, so i arrived home, and obviously cryed myself to sleep.

The next friday i went back to class again, but this time i couldn’t hang on very long, i arrived full of anxiety, wondering about how everyone thought of my rudeness the other day, we started class, the techer asigned us pizza dough to each of us, i couldn’t concentrate at all, i stumbled through the ingredients, barely even remembering what i was even supossed to do while my body was shaking and my mind was spiraling down into madness, until i made a mistake while forming the base dough and i spilled a ton of water on the floor, i cracked, cried, told the teacher i wasn’t up to things, cried again, packed up and went home again, no longer that 30 minutes had passed since i had arrived, of course when i arrived home my parents questioned me, i cried again, shutted myseld in my room as fast as i could, inside i searched desperately for my cutter so i could cut my forearm but of course i couldn’t find it so i broke some metal tube i had laying arround and while crying i slashed my forearm multiple times until pain became unbearable and i cried the rest of the day.

I don’t even know how did i “recovered” from it, last time this happened (When i dropped out of college) a similar thing happened and i ended up shutting myself for a week straight, guess i’ve grown a little bit since then, while i was sad and sulking i remembered that i had this diary, i remembered how happy it made me while i was writing it and how it opened my heart in such a way it had ever before, so i decided to come back to it, hoping to theraphy myself again, hoping this last year i will spend it being myself, not being hiki nor fami, being Far Away Milky Way.

Random thought of the day:

“Who uses a kettle to boil dough watter anyways?”

Hey, what up?

I’m sorry for being so on and off on this diary entries, i mean, they are supossed to be a daily thing but i’m skipping over a day or two.

It’s just that everything has become so bleek lately, and this is not about some unrequited love or anything but recently i got reminded of a very scary thing i forgot about, while i was having lunch with Mother she mentioned that my sister is now in her last school semester and she’s graduating next year, and while we where talking about that i also remembered that most of my friends are also graduating next year, one of them is now working in some hospital as a general psichologist now and the other one is working for a chemics company.

They are all graduating next year and i’m here, crying over a girl 10 years older than me that lives 4000 km away from me…

I’m a total failure aren’t i?

Back when i dropped out of uni i told myself “It’s fine, i just need time, time to heal a little bit” it’s been 4 years since then, i’m still the same person, i haven’t grown at all, no matter how much love/support my parents give me, no matter how much i talk to psycologists, friends and even my twitch viewers, i never learn anything and i still mope.

I told my Mother that i’ve surrendered and if she wanted she could just throw me out of the house whenever she wanted, i won’t succed at anything i do, i have no hope, she took like a kind of joke even tho she seemed worried about it, maybe she just thought i was just saying that in the spur of the moment (i’ve always told her things like that but those where always when i was feeling angry about something).

Today i told my psicologist about it, that i had lost hope in myself and that from now i’ll just attend therapy as a formality for her and my parents.

The more i think about it the harder it gets, i can’t see myself ever succeding at anything and i don’t want to suffer any longer through the pain of knowing that.

So i decided that my life ends next year, when everyone graduates.

So, the unthinkable happened…

She came back.

Unsurprisingly she hasn’t read my last message nor i think she will respond to the previous ones, and that’s fine, i’m just glad that she is fine and that she recovered her place for self expression, the last thing i would want to do is to take that away from her, so i’m really glad that she not only found another way to unwind herself away from anything related to me.

(Oh man, i sure hope she doesn’t read any of this btw)

The whole ordeal with my relationship with her has made me understand that i’ve trully fallen for her like i’ve never fallen for anyone, i don’t really know how to explain this but just knowing that i didn’t ruined her usual quiet life by bargaging in and making her feel uncomfortable is enough for me.

I don’t know if she’s gonna ever talk to me about our relationship again, i don’t even know if she wants anything to do with me so i wont talk about her any further.

Now i’ll talk about the last entry, it was weird wasn’t it? Maybe it was a little cringy to read, i’m sorry for that, but i wanted to express the meaning behind my nickname, Famiky, i didn’t started using it just because, Famiky is a contraction of Far Away Milky Way, and that itself its the junction of the lyrics of two of my favourite songs ever by my favourite band ever, “Domino” and “Sleeping Girl” by Coltemonikha.

The fragments i used for the nick came from the parts that say “Kagirinaku Far Away” and “Hoshikuzu hiroge amanogawa”
and fusing them together would form something like “Infinitely Far Away a Star Dust Sprinkled Milky Way”, the Amanogawa part used to be part of the name (Far Away Amanogawa) but i changed it to it’s english translation ’cause it rolls off the tounge easier, if you look at my other blog’s URL you can see that the blog is actually called FarAwayAmanogawa.

So, what does any of this mean? Well, the meaning i see in it is that one should always look at what one aspires to be, even if that is so far away that one may never reach it, Far Away Milky Way means looking up at the stars, getting close to touching them, Famiky means… never giving up.

It’s no surprise how much Sakai Kate has influenced my life in the time i’ve been listening to the 2 albums she released, she gave me the courage to accept the fact that i wanted to be a girl instead of a boy, she gave me her aesthetic, always natural and full of girly beauty that will never wither in the face of rejection, the strong heart of a lady that won’t get pushed arround by anyone even if her heart is melting. I don’t actually know how important is Coltemonikha for her, i don’t know how passionatelly she worked on it, i don’t even know i it means anything to her now, but that doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter ’cause whatever she thinks about it, it gave me my biggest dream.

I wanted to tribute the amazing dream Sakai Kate gave me even tho i knew that i could never come even close to the beauty she descrived in the lyrics of those songs.

“Aaah, shiranai sekaii, mou kore ijou misenaideitte, onegai dakara”

I just finished writing the latest diary entry and here i am writing the next entry ahead of time in my celphone, lights are out and i’m ready to “go to bed” in reallity i’ll just roll arround in my bed thinking about everything until my body passes out.

But as soon as i turned my pc off i felt like writing and i don’t really know why, i’m not a really good writer and i don’t really have passion for it but somehow as i stood up from my desk chair the thought of “Man, i wish i could just die and stayed here as a ghost, writing forever to myself”. The following its going to sound extremely weird but i think i just realized that Famiky is my best friend.

I was thinking about why i write, who do i talk to while i’m on bed, how do i talk to when i fangirl about the things i like, and that person can only be Famiky as he is the only one that understands me but as much as he gets me, i can’t never reach Famiky, Famiky is everything i want to be and the reason why i talk to him is because i’ve yet to reach them, i talk to them ’cause our existance is separated, Famiky does not write to me ’cause he’s yet to be alive and i talk to them ’cause i’ve yet to disapear.

I’ll never be able to reach Famiky, they are just an idea, the expression of my desires for cuteness, girlyness, my desire to be an amazing artist, my desire to write weird songs that only a handful of people would listen to by downloading them from some sketchy website and many other things i desire.

As i’ll never be able to reach them i’ve separated them from myself and made them it’s own self that i’m trying to replicate, so in conclussion, i’m a fake.

I’ve always wondered why lyrics like Coltemonikha’s “The atractiveness i showed you, it’s all fake” and Perfect Pussy’s “I’ve been talking shit about your friend, i’ve been lying to get attention” resonated so much with me and i think i get it now.

Hey there, it’s me again. Sorry for the intermittence, i think i’ll start writing again… sorry if the things i’ll write from now on will read way weirder than the past entries.

So i’ve been feeling awful lately (I guess i don’t need to tell this to anyone ’cause i’m almost always feeling like that) but anyways, you know? I think the fact that i always say i’m feeling bad has made people take my depression lightly, have you ever tried to repeat the same word multiple times? at some point it loses all of its meaning and you end up saying giberish, so i think this happens when i tell people about my feelings.

Weird thing is, it has yet to lose meaning on me, i suposse it’s because i don’t simply hear myself saying “I want to die” but i feel that i want to die so the meaning has another vessel for it to prompt up a response. but idk, i think i just want someone to comfort me as i’m tired of comforting myself.

What a weird way to start today’s entry, but that’s half of the thought that has been invading me these past 2 weeks, the other half is my absolute fear of failure, i’ve talked about failure before and that i think failure it’s just failure and you get abosolutely nothing but shame on yourself when you fail, you don’t grow on repeated failures, you grow on repeated sucesss.

But as i am usless i just only fail at everything i do, no matter the thing i just suck at it all the time, regardless of the time investment i’ve done into it, i always suck at everything i do or at least that’s what i feel. My mother always says to me “You aren’t useless, you know a ton of things no one in our family knows about” and thay may be true but that doesn’t make me usefull, i may be knowledgeable of many things but im no an EXPERT in them and what’s the point about that? You don’t get paid ’cause you know about something, you get paid ’cause you can do the job better than others, and besides, compared to most people i’m average at best.

My pc broke 2 weeks ago and in those 2 weeks i became more active in our house’s chores, helping arround doing these things that anyone can do given the time made me think about how worthless i am, how talentless i am, how extremely replaceable i am, right now i’m just a name in my family, i’m the role of the son and brother, nothing more than that, i wonder if i’m like that for my friends too? or if im like that for my internet relationships too? i wonder what everyone thinks of me like, i wonder what i was for her?…

My aesthetic, the things i like, the things i do, the things i say, how i express myself, my voice, my looks, my aura, my mannerisms. I wonder what they mean for everyone that knows me, i wonder if they have any value at all…

Welp, as i was thinking things couldn’t get any worse my pc suddenly decides to break, yep, i was working on some 4 koma and then suddenly the guy just freezes and i hear a fan going crazy inside the chasis so i inmediately turn it off and try to turn it back on again but to my “surprise” there was no image, i thought my graphics card died but then later the motherboard wasn’t even sending energy to the keyboard (i know this ’cause my keyboard has blue leds and they weren’t turning on) so yeah, my pc died and i have no money whatsoever to fix it, wow, amazing, what a thing to happen while i’m low on the ground thinking about a love that never happened, an university that i don’t go to and a job that i don’t have.

Never underestimate how bad life can kick you when you’re down on the ground grasping for air. Ahgg man. I feel miserable. Like i mean, most of the “work” i do i do it in my computer, the streams, my drawings, translating, writing and so on, and now i can’t do any of those things, so these past two days i’ve just been in bed doing absolutely nothing.

To be real with you i don’t have any energy left in me to do anything, not to even write about anything here, i’m drained of any 元気 i had left, life is just kicking me arroung like a dog and i don’t feel like standing up anymore. So i’m gonna finish today’s entry here, ok?

Quick post to end all of the hiatus.

Yep, i’ve been depressed over a breakup these past 2 months (Holy shit it’s been that long already?). I always knew i was a 15 yld child inside a 21 yld body but man this is way overreacting for a break up, or is it? Idk i feel like my reaction is completely justified, i mean i followed Izumi (No hiding it now) for over half a year before i tried making her notice me, than half the other year was spent on trying to get to know her better, my shy tweets making their way to her while we shared secret “likes” between each other trying to hide our real intentions, i like you とか。

I’m sorry this blog it’s always about her but she’s made such a dent in my life that i can’t help it, i’m hesitant to call it love ’cause you know “it just some internet love” but man, she’s just the perfect girl for me, i love absolutely everything about her, i’ve never even payed attention the way people write things until i read her tweets/blog and the awfully cute way she writes ahgggggggggggg.

Anyways, i’ll tell you about what has hapenned these past few months over the next posts so i’m sorry if this one is just “I miss Izumi” the entry.

I just hope she’s alright, she must be suffering way worse than me.

Man, i will lie if i told you i have something to talk about in this entry, it’s summer, and i’m depressed, and that’s it, nothing else.

I’ve been spending my days mostly playing Cocoppa, drawing like a maniac ’cause im mad that my drawings suck (And i get really frustrated while i do it) and studying, just that, nothing else, well, there’s the occacional mini meetup with one of my friends but nothing that noteworthy, plus there’s my psicologist and my situation with the girl i like (She still hasn’t replied to any of the messages i sent her, nor the messega i sent her about messaging me when she’s feeling better…) now she’s back to hinting things in her japanese tweets and man it’s like going back into a past when i didn’t confessed, i told her i’ll be waiting and so i will do but sometimes i get that feeling of “She obviously doesn’t want me arround her” “Maybe she found out i wasn’t as she thought” or something like that, man, i remember the day i confessed to her and she sent me that incredibly long message detailing every single thing that she thought about me and how extremely happy i felt the entire week after that, i was dealing with so much of my things and just by simply talking to her, reading her weirdly long messages when we talked, her writing quirks, constant use of emojis and so much more… man, i just felt happy.

Recently i was feeling that “会いたい” and so i went into her blog looking for pictures of her, i had previously looked for them but i stopped ’cause i was feeling like a real creep stalker (Which i’m now that i did it…) and man she’s so cute, her dresses are so cute, that “photo shyness” of her’s is so damn cute ah… they are old photo’s tho (Like 5 or so years ago) and she says she looks bad so she hasn’t uploaded any new ones but i think she’s really cute and huggable ♡ i’m starting to sound like a total creep now jeez, i think she would enjoy taking more photos of herself if she just smile a little bit, most of her photos are she shying away from the camera, hiding herself behind it or just simply in a totally blank state of mind (Men in black flash thingy style) and i know she’s not a cold person ’cause she gets pretty intense when she’s feeling it so she just need a little push up.

Now that i think about it i’m like that too HAH, well i’m not camera shy and i don’t think i look THAT bad, i just look mildy bad, but something i’ve noticed when someone’s taking a photo of me is that i inmedeately go to “QUICK DUMB POSE” mode, and i think is ’cause i don’t like the photos in which i appear like a normal dude ’cause they make me look like a normal dude, i don’t want to be a dude, i want to be a girl, so i guess my instinct is to goof off trying to hide my masculinity by means of appearing as a weird bloob and masshup of things, if you’ve followed me for some time then you must have seen the picture a friend took of me wearing a Yukata, every single time i look at that photo i feel happy and sad at the same time, i feel happy ’cause when my friend took it i was feeling really embarassed but no because of the yukata but because i was feeling so happy about wearing it, it felt amazing just finally putting on something that was supossed to be for a woman (Even if it was only a Yukata) but then i see myself as that, a boy wearing a yukata while blushing, nothing more than that, i don’t look feminine, i don’t look good, i just looked like a creepy dude wearing weird clothes.

Random Thought Of The Day

“And my psicologist told me today i looked really bulky these days, really manly she said, uguuuuuuu”

There’s actually little to report in this diary entry, in fact that’s why i didn’t write yesterday’s, anyways today was a weird day, i tried to make a TON on things and i just ended up making just one, so let me explain.

At first i was trying to draw the Dragon Quest thingy i was talking about last time, i wanted to make a really detailed drawing of the main protagonist’s caravan while they camp out the night, roast some beef, play music and have a great time, but i got frustrated while doing it so i stoped because somehow digital drawing for me it’s WAY harder than it seems, i struggle a lot and i erase a lot and i try to make things as clean as possible to the point that they look so clean they look simple, plus i haven’t drawn digitally in a while so frustration got me in the end, so frustrated i went to youtube for some kind of relaxing entretainment, recently i’ve been following this girl by the name of Shedge3i8 on youtube (She’s the reason why is started to play Cocoppa) the kind of youtube content she makes is the kind i enjoy the most, slowburning really chilled and relaxed commentary on whatever comes to the youtubers mind (That’s what i try to do with “pensamiento en lemniscata” but my cadence in extremely fast and i can’t seem to slow it down) she uploads videos of her Cocoppa Gatcha pulls while talking about her life and things that happen to her, if you’ve followed me for a while you may recall some other youtuber by the name of Keatsta that i used to follow (I don’t do anymore ’cause he’s recently uploading just “Let’s read manga” stuff) so yeah, i seem to have a obsession with people that talk to themselves while putting it out for the world through the internet (That may be the reason why i became so interested in her…) so as i was listening to Shedge talk i noticed that she was reading korean and i was like “wut she knows korean?” i don’t know why did it surprised me but it did so i listened to her for a while i think “Man, Korean looks way easier than japanese…” aaaaaaaand in the spur of the moment my brain went full jimmy neutron brain blast and i started studying japanese/korean all day, like really i spended like 6 hours (Mostly on japanese tho) studying things, like wuuuut, i’ve never been the “Ultra student” type as i easily get things the first time someone teaches me and i just need to re-read them like once or twice and then i’m done so this type of thing happening to me it’s really freaking weird, btw i still know absolutely nothing about korean ’cause the language is similar to japanese as they have their own “alphabet” thingy that i need to lear in order to even read what i study so it’s gonna take a little while until i’m ready to study full force on but MAN, what a weird day.

After studying like crazy i thought that i needed to record another “pensamiento en lemniscata” to cover up for my Famiky news that i’ve missed while i was on social recess so i recorded it, i discussed what happened yesterday and today so this time it was pretty lenghty at 18:55 minutes, i recorded it a dawn so i just used the portable christmas lights i usually carry as my ONLY light source, obviously it didn’t turned out good so i decided to scrap it, i’ll try to record something again tomorrow but as i already talked (here) about what has happened i’ll maybe wait a little longer to have something good to show, or maybe i’ll just tell some anecdote or maybe i’ll just spitball some weirdly metaforical/introspective thingy, idk.

Random Thought Of The Day

“If my brain worked like this all the time maybe i would be a normal person…”