Well, can i be a little blunt with you? Today i’ve got absolutely nothing, i spended the most of my day drawing that Touhou fanart on my twitter, i think it looks pretty cute, i love Marisa’s bored as hell expression and Reimu’s heat suffering and the background turned out realy cute too, it took most of my day to draw that, well actually it just took 6 hours, 3 hours on Marisa, 1 Hour on the Background, 1 Hour on Reimu and another hour on the painting, the reson why Marisa took so long is because i was having trouble with her hair/expression/skirt, plus as this is touhou i had to decide on wich version of the costume i had to use, so i made some little custom ones changing very little but enough so that it could look my brand of cute, i also had to erase HALF of yesterday’s post because my dumb brain spilled to much and i ended up writing a LONG post about my past self, and now i don’t really want to talk about it.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaand that’s it, i also went to my psicologist today but really there wasn’t anything that important to talk about, like she wanted to talk about my return to college but i’ve already told her that i’m not planing on returning this year so most of the talk was about the ways in which i may begin to prepare for that, i’ve already talked about it here but i’ve forgotten to talk to her about it, so i did.
Tomorrow i’m going to watch that new Avengers movie, not that i really care about it but some school friends invited me and it seemed to me like a good a idea to distract myself from yesterday’s depression so i guess i’m gonna have things to talk about tomorrow, so, see you then i guess?
Today’s been weird, as the title implies my emotions where like if i was on a Rocket Coaster, it’s hasn’t shown in this diary yet because when i started it somehow i got a drip of positivity and the subject never came out to light but the truth is that i’m a pretty unstable person, i can feel extremely sad then feel extremely happy in a matter of seconds (And even at the same time, don’t ask me how that works) and i think is because half my mind it’s trying to become a better person while the other half has already given up.
So today i went to japanese class, i’m also that type of person that needs to keep it’s machine going at all times or else he’s going to act like he doesn’t know anything so you may have guessed that japanese wasn’t very fun today, it appears as if i get even less than a week of rest then i forget every single kanji i’ve tried to study, it’s horrible being the “Honor student that always wins the best student diploma” but if you ask him to read some stupid 島 he isn’t able to read it while others can ’cause i guess he’s stupid or something, ugh, like, last time there where finals i won the best student diploma for having the best overall scores in them, i didn’t even placed at the top of any of the categories (General Kanji Knowledge, Sentence Making, Conversational Skills) but placed second in all of them while different students placed at number 1 at each one of them, you may think something like “That’s pretty good, it still means that you are the best all arround” but the only thing i was feeling at the moment was disappointment, i felt like i was still not good at anything and i became ultra depressed even tho i recieved a diploma and a public shout out at the closing ceremony, i still felt like i was useless, that’s the type of person i am. People (Just Mother and all of psychologists) usually tell me that i often ask myself for way better results that i’m capable of provinding and that that’s the thing that destroys my mind and i should stop asking myself to do the imposible, but man, my worst fear is not going insane, it’s accepting mediocrity.
Anyways, feeling down i thought i would cheer myself up by going to the Udon place to have some really nice dinner away from home in an enviroment that would make me forget about my own stupidty for a while, so i went there and arrived at the store and sitted down, some weird Irish looking waitress was at the counter, she’s the owner’s wife they are a Irish/Japanese couple that can’t talk spanish but somehow ended up in this country and built a business, so she tried her hardest at speaking spanish to me while i was ordering food, the be honest i was really tired of trying to do japanese but failing miserably so i kept on using spanish instead of switching to english or japanese, languages she is way better at, i’m kinda sorry now, i could’ve make her life a little bit easier if i wasn’t feeling so douchbagy… so my food arrived and while i was digging through pork, egg and rice i noticed i wasn’t feeling any better, and then i realized i was feeling really lonely.
Loneliness has always been with me since i changed from my old horrible self, i’ve always thought of it as the price i’ve had to pay for being mean to so many people back in the day but somehow i regained some of my old friends and have made some new ones so i thought i was the most blessed guy ever, then i remembered that that isn’t really the case, people have always been at my side but not with me, no one is ever at my side and i’ve spended more, even my bestie (the guy that sent me the Arctic Monkey message) never talks to me or messages me ever, like we talk/hang out once a month or so and that’s it but he keeps on calling me his best friend and making me feel important to him and maybe i am but… somehow i don’t feel like that’s the truth… man, i just one someone i can talk to at least every week.
Or maybe i’m just way overneedy or something. I suck so much.
Here’s another chicken by the same girl that drew me the last one, i wished i could become way more friendly with my “fans”
Today i talked to my psycologist, nothing really came out of our conversation we just recaped some of our other conversations while trying to remember what we concluded in them, so as it’s becoming usual today there’s nothing really that interesting to talk about.
Just 3 minutes earlier before starting writing this i was watching anime with my IRL friends, it’s kinda weird because they are really not that into anime (well one of those is but he’s just your run of the mill weaboo), 5 years ago we’ve got into this weird thing where if we’re talking on discord and it becomes late and we’re really not chatting about anything in particular we just try and watch some random anime, we use two methods for choosing the anime we’re trying to watch, the first one it’s that one of us recommends anime until the three of us agree on one to watch (This is the way that i got into Precure as weirdly as it sounds) as may guess, this one is really a hard method of choosing because even if only one of us is against watching something then we don’t watch it and even if our tastes are kinda similar we often look for diferent experiences on certain nights so we don’t usually agree. The Second method, the one we mostly use ’cause it’s way more effective it’s one i which we use the random anime function on certain webpages and each one of us get to re-roll whichever anime gets chosen by the random function, if we spend all our re-rolls then we watch whatever the webpage chooses and we get no say in the matter, you know, this is kind of a really great way of watching anime with friends, it makes you find some of the hidden gems that no one’s ever takled about or it makes you watch some weird 90’s anime OVA that’s pretty bad but because you are watching it with friends your autistic inner self comes out of nowhere and everything becomes a joke, watching some weird anime like Brave Beats alone might prove a boring experience but with friends at your side it becomes this amazing anime about dancing demi-gods fighting it all out, watching this scene along two of my best friends was one of the most amazing experiences i’ve had with any piece of media ever.
The reason why i’ve brought this out it’s because we rolled the roulette today and we landed on some really cheaply made anime about some angels trying to defend earth from the fallen angels called Saint Beast, a trip to google will quickly make you realize from the artstyle that this is a Yaoi anime made for that tiny side of the fujoshi espectrum that really likes shounen anime, and while the anime was pretty alright (Kinda awfully dumb with the only atractive thing being the boys looks, pure bishounens) the reason i’m talking about this is because recently i’ve been reading a ton of Fujoshi media, mostly manga of course, and i should say that… i’ve been enjoying it a ton! It might sound like im trying to hide something here but believe me that the reason i’ve been reading so much it’s because Fujoshi media it’s full of incredible artists! Like, you wouldn’t believe the amount of amazing Yaoi artist out there, their way of drawing human anathomy is usually really stylized featuring really weird hand/arms/head/legs proportions and the most clean lineart out there in modern manga! Plus, as it’s drawn mostly by girls that fantazise about really handsome classy boys you often see really amazing ways of expressing emotion or drawing backgrounds or just simply going outright mental with the layouts, you don’t often see this type of thing in Yuri manga, they usually feature the same old boring artstyle, it’s fairly boring compared to the baroque/flower obsession of Yaoi manga artists, my favourite one being Nakamura Asumiko-sensei, her artstyle it’s simly amazing, the lesson here it’s that i think people should be more open with the types of media they consume, yeah maybe you don’t find the idea of Boy x Boy as engrossing as other things but you should try to read some anyways, you might find something that you couldn’t find anywhere else.
The only catch it’s that more often than not Fujoshi media tends to be REALLY LEWD, there’s almost no piece that doesn’t feature sex, and i really don’t like the modern obsession with sexually charged content that’s appearing all over otaku (And not otaku) media, while sexuality it’s important to me (as the guy that wants to become a girl that’s kinda obvious) i don’t think the solution for sexually repressed feelings it’s searching for cheap trills on media, as a guy that stopped looking at lewd media 4 years ago and it’s living perfetly fine i can say that its perfectly doable, the main point of sexuality resides on it’s reciprocity and that reciprocity it’s what makes it so cute and natural, and that’s also what makes the pursuit of sexuality of lewd media so impure and cheap.
I will talk about my ideas of purity and things on some other entry but if you kinda want to know what the hell am i talking about then tough luck! Not even i know what i usually talk about!
Just look at those pefect lines, black/white balance and proportions I love it
Random Thought Of The Day
“Control was lost when my brain started fighting me”
We’re officially now on Holy Week which means i’m off everything i do, if you’ve read yesterday’s diary entry then you should know most of my day it’s been me losing my mind trying to fill all the free time i have with whatever comes to my head and while trying to not feel like a leech (and triggered by some stupid thought i won’t talk about) i became really depressed, im fine now, it was just one of my sudden mood swings.
Even though it’s called “Diary of Becoming a Princess” latetly it’s been more depressing that it should be so today i’m putting depression aside to talk about cute things instead, so let’s talk about “Cute Things I’ve Always Wanted To Do”, the first one that comes to mind it’s the most controversial one (At least here in my country), i’ve always wanted to wear a skirt, be it a long one or a decent size one, i think skirts are one of the most cute looking pieces of clothing because they look really feminine without being too audacious, even if they are now kind of the sing for feminine traits i think their main appeal it’s based on subtlety, they are the perfect combination of Girly & Reserved. Leaving pretentiousness aside, i’ve always wanted to wear a frilly skirt so i feel like the most fluffy thing in existance, or wear a long flowered pattern skirt that makes me look like i’m the most dangerous but compassionate girl, or maybe pretty normal sized gray skirt with a black top and some golden earings that makes me look like a super model, or maybe a ginham pattern one… sorry, i could do this all day, if you are interested in what kind of clothes i like i recommend you to look at this, it’s my favorite artist’s (Sakai Kate) brand “And Curtain Call”, it’s as FamikyCore as it gets.
Remember the awfuly awkward thing i wrote? Yeah, having a tea party it’s also one of the things i’ve always wanted to do, and i mean a tea party that involves me and another person, not just me. 4:30 to 5:30 it’s my tea time, i brew some pre-packaged tea (I should get into growing my own plus making weird infusions), i cook some biscuits, usually cookies and the i just sit there enjoying the moody sunset light coming from the window, thing is, it’s pretty lonely to do it by myself and i don’t have a cute tea table or a cute tea set that i could use so it ends up being pretty sad sight, i would buy some cute things to help the mood but i don’t have any money to speak of and asking for it would be awfuly awkward and weird so, at least i have this REALLY CUTE PORTABLE CHRISTMAS STAR LIGHTS, i love them, they are my greatest treasure.
On that note, buying plushies and the like it’s been always hard for me because i’m too afraid of telling my family and friends about that thing, but i’ve always wanted to have plushies and sanrio merchandise all over my room, i’ve also wanted to have some cute celphone cases or matching keychain on it with a lover or something like that, cliched cliched i know but i love girly things like that, it just makes my heart flutter and feel at ease, i’ve always dreamed of having this aethetic of a cute girl on top a light gray & pink sheeted bed with a couple of bunny plushies, looking anxious at her flip phone anxiouly wondering how to respond to some message that came fifteen minutes ago, the cute anxiety of a girl in love.
Im gonna end the entry here because i want to hold on to some of these ideas for a later post so im sorry if you wanted to read more about them (As if anyone cared), so see you next time!
Also i forgot to post this yesterday, a friend (my stream viewers are more friends than fans to me) drew this for me when i told her about me changing my nickname to Famiky:
So cute //w//
Random Thought Of The Day
“Why is it so hard to be direct about these things?”
Today was my “Free of everything” day, meaning i literally do nothing all day, it’s not like im off my hobbies or talking to friends or anything but recently my mind it’s on such a disarray that concentrating on things it’s really hard and if i try to draw or write an eassy or write the lyrics to a song most likely i’m gonna get really frustrated after spending over 3 hours trying to Draw/Write something even worth that amount of time and failing completely, so you’ll excuse me if today’s entry it’s a little on the short side, It’s not like these entries are really that long but… you know.
I have a pretty bad relationship with failure, i can’t stand it even though my life its constant failing, people say that failure is what brings you up, failing is the stairs on which you climb to greatness but man, i have a bad time believing this, i think failure is just that, failure, you did wrong, you couldn’t achieve you objective, your abilities weren’t enough to complete a task, you don’t grow from failures, yeah they teach you the things you are bad at but that doesn’t mean you instantly become better because of that, what makes failures seem like a good thing is that in failing you are able to grasp the things you should work on and working on them and succeding on working on them is what achieves greatness, in other words, continued sucess is what makes you succesful.
I hate mediocrity, i’ve been a mediocre guy all of my life , never exceling in anything i do and that is what makes me such a depresive person, imagine hating humans while you are yourself a human, that is me, i hate mediocrity because i’m mediocre, and honestly i think that’s a good thing to have at least in small increments, it makes you challange yourself but having it for so long becomes a curse, you become your own unmovable judge that scrutinizes every single step you take on a process. Can you imagine hating every single thing you do? Well let me tell you, it’s not a fun ride.
While i don’t really like myself in execution, i love myself in concept, i really like what i like and what my ideas are and the philosophies that rule my head, one of those is my favorite colour and what it represents, my favorite colour is Light Gray/Silver.
It may seem like im cheating because i chose two colours but believe me they have more connections that they appereance may convey, Silver is the colour of class, while gold it’s often asociated with high class and royalty i think it’s often asociated with greed and tyranny too but silver is an untainted colour, silver means being propper and being a vanguarde, silver means having composure and strictness, that’s why it’s often used for electronics, accesories and it’s even used in fiction to repel “evil” and “bad things”, not to mention, silver reflects light really well and it kinda makes you shine.
On the other hand, light gray it’s softer, it does not convery the power that silver does even though they are pretty much the same colour and that’s the reason i like it so much, to me light gray means softness, infinite possibility and calmness, that’s why you find the colour on clothes and furniture, light gray has this distinct aura about it that makes everything softer without taking away the class and posture of silver. They are, at least for me, the perfect おしゃれ colours.
While going home after a shopping mall trip with my family during a social recess, headphones on, listening to Coltemönikha and Marino (Basically just Coltemönikha) only two thoughts where cycling my head “I want to be a Girl” and “I want someone to understand me“, they repeated themselves like the natural night scenery of a road in the middle of the night.
After
giving it a little more thought i finally decided, I’m going to write a diary
about my very slow and painful process of becoming a princess, writing it not
for anyone but for myself because at this point of my life only I can make
sense of myself, the funny thing being that most of the time i can’t, anyways,
what I’m going to write its basically my daily life while trying to become a
better/cuter/proper/ version of myself, a chronicle of my journey.
Today i went on a shopping mall trip with my family, the which in you go to a mall just to pass time, look at shops but not actually buy anything, have lunch and just talk about things in family, but that was just a cover up, my mother and sister really wanted to buy clothes at Bershka but they knew that my father, a really stingy guy, wouldn’t just drive them out to buy clothes so they tricked him into a family trip.
Nah,
actually they just wanted some family time with the added bonus of clothes
shopping but I still think its way more interesting to paint them as the bad
guys, anyways, we hopped on the car and went to the biggest mall near us that
is actually really far from us, like, it’s an hour and a half drive away on a
city near the town that we live in, the mall itself it’s pretty big and has
lots of shops but is really not that special, there’s nothing that really
stands out apart from the big crowds of people that congregate there so I think
going to that mall was part of my sister’s & mom’s evil plan to make us
spend more time together as family, even though most of it was on a car ride.
So we arrived, had lunch and immediately they went to Bershka to look at clothes, I’m not really well versed at my country’s fashion so tried to distract myself by talking with my father outside the shop but eventually the allure of woman’s clothing made me go inside to pretend to help my sister carry clothes but really I was just looking at them, eventually I felt a weird unease but not the usual unease that comes around by being a guy in a woman’s shop looking at woman’s clothing, it was more like few of the things I was looking at weren’t really grabbing my attention, I’m used to spend around 3 hours of my life looking at clothes on the internet so I was actually surprised at my negative reaction, I took a look around me and saw a ton of girls looking at everything the shop had to offer with really smug smiles on their faces, I thought about why I wasn’t enjoying the things I was looking but they were, I decided that it was just a matter of preference, it obviously was but I couldn’t really point out what was THAT preference, that’s when I noticed a pretty cute young girl looking at the clothes, the girl was dressing a pink shirt under a grey sweater into some skinny dark blue jeans so I stared at her outfit for a while thinking “Man, that is really cute”, that’s when it hitted me, turns out I like clothes that make femininity SUBTLE while most of the clothes in the shop where clothes that ACCENTED femininity, then it came back to me the reason I didn’t want to come inside the shop, I’m SUPER not into my country’s fashion.
I gave it a
long thought and finally arrived at a conclusion, turns out that the clothes I like
are the ones that make use of subtlety, I like cute things instead of sexy ones
so it’s obvious that I would like clothing that has traditional conservative
values but then I thought, is it because I’m a man? Like, is it because the
woman I want to be it’s actually the woman I would want to be with?
Nope, I’m
not like that, the thing goes like this, I love clothes that make use of
subtlety because I love the allure of something that looks soft but it’s
actually a hard shell for the things that are actually inside, fluffy soft
frilly clothing it’s actually a mirror for my desires to be a girl, a desire to
be a cute fluffy soft frilly girl hidden by the fact that I look manly, in essence,
subtle clothes to hide my femininity.
(I would be
really surprised if someone actually understands what I’m trying to say here)
By now you may have noticed that English is not my native language so I’m sorry if sometimes I make absolutely no sense and make grammar errors, sorry, but while I was coming back home, during a social recess, headphones on, listening to Coltemönikha and Marino, I decided that this diary HAD to be in English, you see, I think that my native language (Spanish) due to its complexity tends to dress the meaning of things in words that mean a ton of things at once but fail to convey the actual meaning, it is the perfect language for insecure people like me, English on the other hand it’s so simple that I have no way of hiding my feelings behind snobbish words, I want to become a girl by writing this diary, even if I come out as a masculine girl I want to try and convey the femininity that’s inside me, no dressing it.
Goodbye Namaiki Girl 