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Diary of Becoming a Princess – September 29 2026 – Siphons Deep in Diamond Mines.

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Due to my intermittence in my posting as of late it gets harder and harder to post about anything, just opening the wordpress mainpage already feels like carrying extremely heavy wheights, let alone just trying to type feels like each of the keys in my keyboard need a hydraulic press to register a stroke. If i think about it deeply the real reason i’ve gotten inconsistent with my posts is that i’m trying to do more and more each time not only in here but in other aspects of my life, i’m trying go out and hang out with my friends a little bit more than ever, i’m trying to study more japanese as i feel i’ve plateaued in it since i’ve been diverting myself from the local community and also i’ve been trying to be more mindful and more aware of the little things in life, so my mind has been in way too many places at the same time and as a result i’ve been nowhere but in me.

Ever since i read about the “making off” of Daniel Kwan, Julia Pott and Sean Lewis’s children’s book called “Have you ever seen a ghost?” i’ve been obsessed with trying to look beyond what i can see, let me explain, in a substack about the release of their book Julia Pott writes about the many many different processes that lead to the completion of the book but one in particular that got stuck in my head was about during the research phase of the book they started looking for pictures and references of homes, specifically photos taken of a house that when you look at them a certain way you can almost start to see invisible people inhabiting them and eventually you’ll eventually come to the main message of the book, that we often hide the best parts of ourselves both because we don’t wanna stand out too much and of the consequences of some people trying to demystify what’s great about others, the look through the absolutely mundane that is inhabiting a home becomes then the search for the greatness in our surrounding, that if you open your eyes wide enough you can start seeing what is clearly there.

I feel like i lack that ability, not of recognizing what’s great about people around me, i think i’m pretty good about finding stuff i like about basically every single person i’ve met in my life, but of course i’m talking about not only myself but of my surroundings. I want to be able to see what creative people like that see, i want to look through my window and find wonder behind the wonder, the mystical affinity to see sprites in the flowers and demons on the trees. Right now if i peak my head through the window i’ll just see a street and nothing else, and that makes me spiral into depression again…

Anyways, recently i went to see the new Resident Evil movie with my friends, i really liked it and the reason must be already clear to you if you’ve ever seen the movie and read my post about the Mario Movies (so to no one). It’s been a while since I’ve seen an adaptation of a work to another media capture the essence of what makes the original unique in the first place, there’s no pointless references to characters or events, there’s no pretense of being something other than what the original thrashy humory horrory mess the series is about and there’s no need to overexplain or oversimplify what’s already simple (like Minecraft) and in that the movie captures your attention from the strings the series has yet to pull from, entangling and mixing and colliding the trappings of what makes every single game on the series different, from it’s genre of game to it’s player’s perspective to even the general pace line the story goes through while on each and every single stop taking it’s time to make sure you understand the parental “under”tones in it, a theater playing this movie will have loud laughter immediately followed by screams that once again immediately turn into laughs and so on (just like in my vidya), and i can’t think of more praise than that.

I wish more films based on other media were like this, bold enough to be themselves while proud enough to carry a name and surname.

Also i drew this, no i won’t post it anywhere else.
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Diary of Becoming a Princess – September 22 2026 – Soratobu Hikari.

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Yesterday morning i had a dream i should not have seen at all, something appeared out of nowhere during the early hours of the sun that surprised me so much that it literally jolted me from a lying into a sitting position from the sheer shock of it, i can’t tell you what it is, it’s a deeply personal thing that i may have to take to my grave but still it impacted me so much that from there on the black hole in my chest has continued to expand by the hour, my thoracic cavity saw it’s internals replaced by the most fragrantly vivid colors of yearning and of limitless limits to my future vision both sweet traps of deceit that lure my happiness, energy and mood with the promises of making them real just for then to suck them deep into my heart where they are meant to stay as idealistic hopes never to be let out again. The result is the heavy husk of meat and bone that my body has been quickly turning into, walking feels heavy, sugar tastes like saccharose, my vision of the sky has turned into the counting of tiles in the floor, it’s now way worse than what it was a few weeks ago somehow.

If you know me then you already know this but i am not used to dreaming at all. Now, you may question the previous statement a little, maybe you all think that every human dreams most nights of their live as part of the REM phase our brains go through the sleep process and i am really sure my brain actually does go through that phase every night but somehow i’ve never been able “see” or “feel” or “remember” my dreams, even on the rare occasions that i do (i usually dream about 1 or 2 times a month) even after seconds of waking up everything about my dreams feels mushy and distorted and i am unable to recall with any amount of confidence what my dreams where about unless something really shocking happens in them, and of course whenever that happens i would describe what i usually see as nightmares more than dreams. So when a dream like the one i had comes around, so vivid, so painful, so frightening, i can perfectly feel whatever i was feeling in it just by trying to recall it and so my heart starts writhing from the pain and the memory of it ingrains itself deeper and deeper into my memory to the point that i’m confident i will remember this for the rest of my life.

Later, at night, bedridden due to feeling the black whole expand through my veins i would seek distraction on a random youtube video about some guy i don’t really know of playing Ov*rw*tch with a friend and then them getting into a call to get to know some other people and they being awkward as hell in a cute way and i don’t really know why but while chuckling from their awkwardness i would start crying incessantly for around a minute and a half just for then to suddenly stop, i really don’t know what triggered this reaction in me from that video, maybe it was something about my self hatred or something about my gender dysphoria or something i just couldn’t recognize but the only thing i’m certain of is that after my crying stopped the only thing i could think of was “I want to move”… i don’t know what that means either but even now i get this feeling in my feet that i just need to move and move and move and continue moving until my feet are no more.

Today at 5 pm i had to deliver furniture for a client in the family car because our delivery people where kinda busy and the client had confirmed way to late that they had availability to receive their products, since it was only a living room chair and i could handle everything by myself i decided that it was better for me to just go alone instead of postponing the delivery and so i routed myself to a town that’s a 40 minute drive one way from the store, i arrived at the client’s home, made the delivery and then got back into the car at around 5 minutes before twilight. The drive back home… was kinda hard… i kept feeling the emptiness inside me trying to get out of it’s vessel and while trying really hard to fight it off i would encounter a scene that i haven’t seen in a while, back before Covid when i was still a student at Hikarien i would often have class at around 2 pm to 5 and since at that time my father was working for the city’s public transport company which their offices where pretty damn close to Hikarien he would often pick me up and we would go home together, at that time i was really depressed still so we wouldn’t really talk much during those drives so i confined myself into the Coltemonikha music coming out of my headphones, at the time the highway that connected my town with the city had no street lighting whatsoever and since most of it is rural scenery there were times where the music would sync with the vision of a highway at night illuminated by only the car headlights and the few little dots and sparks of light that reflected off the road studs and it made it all seem like we where driving through a starry sky. Whenever that happened i felt… happy…

As i mentioned before, the drive back home reminded me even if for just a second of those starlight roads i used to cross with my father, seeing how the sun sets and gives away for the little manmade stars running at different speed through the white and yellow lines of the manmade space brought me to the brink of happiness again until they suddenly stopped, at some point there was light again and the road returned to wheeled boxes running through the painted pavement, earlier this year the government had finally added solar powered street lights to the local highway network.

That’s when my mind came back to one thought.

“I need to move”

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Diary of Becoming a Princess – September 21 2026 – Natsu no Kage.

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Nothing really that deep to tell you about today, these past few days have been like that, not really filled with much more than the passage of days on the calendar month. During the weekend i got to talk a good friend about their japan stay (they told me they read this diary sometimes, you if you are ready this… hello! <3!) and at the end of yesterday i also got to talk with another good friend about the stuff happening in their relationship, sorry if i’m being a little vague but i don’t really want to do re-tellings of my conversations in today’s entry.

Lately i’ve been watching the sky a lot, i’m not really sure what am i looking for in it exactly but somehow i feel like i should be searching for something in it and that something keeps hiding away from me. I’ve theorized a few things about it for example that maybe it is my desire for something i’ve yet to grasp like what i talked about last entry or maybe it is that my body is yearning for an escape from life in between the fluffiness of it’s clouds or that maybe it’s the subtle but very real movement and changing of the sky that confirms that calmness and unsteadiness can coexist inside nature and so i am looking to obtain that state… whatever it is i wrote a poem about it, it’s in Spanish for no reason in particular other than when i was composing it it appeared to me in spanish.

¿Qué sería de mi sin el conocimiento
de que en otras partes del mundo
al final del otoño no quedará color en el campo
y de la vacilación enterrada bajo el cielo caído
que se presenta en lugar del pronostico
esperando a germinar?
Conocer de pasados y futuros;
que la comida se enfría después de servida,
que la nube no será más un perrito caminado los metros
y del ondear de las sombras
titiriteadas por el capricho del tiempo.
Que mi glándula pineal perciba la impermanencia en mi tierra
para que así el dolor y el desasosiego
no se conviertan en la Cattleya de Mayo
y poder seguir buscando reminiscencias
en el cielo el año entero.

It’s been a while since i’ve written a poem really, last time i wrote something for it to be intended to be read as one was when a bot that played music in my discord server got discontinued but as it kept showing as a group member and i could change it’s alias (name) i stared to play with its name on the daily for at least a month and a half, making use of each and every title for it as if i was writing a short paragraph that was meant to be read on a daily basis, i remember i showed the result on twitter one time, i wonder if anyone on my discord server ever noticed it…

While writing this poem something kept coming back again and again to my mind, it was one of my favorite manga by Author Oshikiri Rensuke called Misumisou, that manga at first glance may appear to be your typical slasher/tearjerker/shocking mindless work but i think that even if that’s true there’s also this deeply deep rumination about the nature of the revolting speed of change and of our desires for everything to stay as it was, shining in our admiration for the people that have resilience no matter how much their heart begs to differ.

In the manga, main protagonist Haruka is subject to horrible, immediate and incessant change in her life that pushes her to put her sorrow and anger behind a masquerade of calmness for the sole purpose of not wanting to let go, all the while the whole town deals with the rapid exodus from the place that forces into everyone the knowledge that no matter what they do they cannot move back to when things where better and so everyone goes mad. Then there’s Mitsuru, who keeps looking for the future while hiding behind the lens of his camera, always hoping to capture the resilience of nature in Haruka which he thinks is the only thing that may bring him the hope he deeply craves…turns out that even when Liverleafs bloom through the snow the pain doesn’t go away.

Sorry if my writing seems a little bit incomprehensible but i think you should read that manga (short one at that) and try to figure out what i’m talking about, it makes sense to me.

I’ll end this entry with this little here drawing of a “Train Wheel Croissant” dessert i saw while studying kanji from a Howell video, it turned out kinda meh so i drew a Kumita right next to it to try and make it look good.

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Diary of Becoming a Princess – September 17 2026 – Wake Up Yaruki Furuiokoshite.

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Now onto not so depressing but still depressing stories about my life here’s a thought i’ve been having that might blow you mind when you read about it, are you ready? Here it comes… maybe social media really IS the culprit for the mental unwellness that the post internet kids are having nowadays, in the past i’ve written about EDTWT and how i think that maybe that type of environment although being an overall negative influence on someone’s perception of their physical self through the exposure of more “desirable” body types although definitely a bad thing can’t really be separated from the overall feeling of not finding a place to rest one’s eyes when looking at oneself into a mirror and of the imperative need for self deprecation for it. Well lately i’ve been reading some blogs and writing from many of my favourite creative people in the world and that same feeling of looking into a mirror and not liking the reflection keeps creeping up every time some topic about being creative or being visually tuned appears in their paragraphs.

After reading that blog post from Julia Pott (Summer Camp Island’s creator) i downloaded Substack, an application that focuses on articles, blogs and daily writings, and started to check her posts on it, most of them are about the process of creative directing and creative work that happens on a big animation house like cartoon network but some are about the little details and thoughts from various different topics on her life and interests, the whole things is more aligned with heart-esque writing so you can really tell passion from emotion from detail and technicality when a particular complex topic comes around and it shows just, in a way, how her brain works to an extent and i think that’s really neat, i love when i can tell what a person really feels like in their writing, its as if a tiny essence of them gets imbued in the ones and zeros that compose each letter in the html and whenever someone opens it they all combine into a lovely ghost of themselves. Digital necromancy if you will.

Anyways after reading for a while i started to notice in the way she composes her blogs something that in months of writing this diary i haven’t really been much conscious of… they are full of images. Whenever a paragraph ends or whenever a topic comes to mind there’s always an accompanying image that give the words that proceed and precede it a real quasi tangible form aside from the concept of words. Photos, Gifs and drawings adorn the white black and white page and give a sense of movement to the story she’s telling and i find myself really drawn into the ambience of the writing even when collages are merely retelling of aesthetic references, and that’s when i began to think: “This is really what an visual artist is meant to be”. It says it in the name, an artist that focuses on the visuals of whatever medium they are participating in, even when the main “body” of a blog is made out of words a visual artist creates “clothing” for that body and makes it shine… somehow i have never thought about it, i’ve been writing for so long (kinda idk) and never once have i ever thought about the clothing my words are wearing, i think to myself… can i really call myself an artist if my first instinct for my writing isn’t for it to look good?

Ever since childhood i’ve been doodling in between the school mandated paragraphs in my notebooks that my teacher pretended replaced my brain’s long term memory and even when tests came around and as i always happened to finish them early i would often doodle wherever there was space in the sheet while waiting for the teacher to understand that i was truly done, during all of that i would often recieve reprimands from my teachers about my doodling but i truly didn’t care at all and kept doing them while hiding in plane sight from them (that also made me prefer tiny canvases instead of huge ones even today, humans are creatures of habit i guess) so i wonder what the hell happened for me to stop doing it? Even when i think about decorating my stuff i often get stuck in trying to figure out what is it that i want to do.

One day during last week somehow twitter started showing me this niche trend of Hobonichi techo journaling and planning, an infinite cascade of images featuring fun and visually guided journaling came pouring down my timeline and as i watched how people dress up their writing with Photos, drawings and variable typesetting i became more and more conscious of my shortcomings as an artist and supposedly creative person, it is as if everyone just knows how what to do, they just know how their words like to be presented, what type of pair of jeans, shirt and shoes they like to be dressed in and they just execute what their brains tell them without much thought. Now, i’m sure every single beautiful journal i’ve been looking at has been worked on really hard by their creators but that’s the thing, somehow they make it look so effortless that idk i just feel a little jealous about it? Maybe it’s just that they are doing it so often (it’s a journal after all) that they have developed that ability? (I said it before, humans are creatures of habit) but whenever i think about it i just feel like my first year of trying to do something similar would end up so badly looking… I have tried something like this, whenever i was heavily studying kanji when i was still a student in hikarien and also before doing the JLPT i kept several books of kanji practice as one does and in them i tried decorating as much as i could but… let’s just say that it was a try without the nice behind it. Idk man, maybe i just have to get over myself and endure the pain of everything looking like ass before i’m able to do something decent, what do you my dear million readers think?

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Diary of Becoming a Princess – September 16 2026 – I Don’t Give it Up, I Mutter “Lovely”.

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Continuing with the show parade of bad things let’s talk about some deeply “personal” stuff that doesn’t really involve me to be honest but still it makes me depressed and makes my blood boil like crazy.

So my partner’s sister got pregnant around last year and that’s awesome and all since kids are the most precious things on earth (also the most annoying but still) but the problem is that her partner at the time was some real piece of dookie that ticks every single red flag known to man, the list of crimes against humanity that dude has committed (derogatory not literal) is so immense that one has to ask why the hell did she get with him in the first place since he really sounds like a piece of trash, i remember the first thing i knew about that guy was when i went to visit last year and since my partner’s sister is the one that helps me by picking me up at the airport we had a little chat while she was driving and i kid you not the first thing i got to hear about that guy was that he was an ex member of the Police that in one altercation with a gang violence related case where one of his comrades died in a shooting his first thought and actions where to chase the perpetrator as much as he could just to then unload his whole clip on the guy’s head… yep, that was my introduction to that guy, now you can see why he is Ex police. Recently here in Colombia the right to carry arms has become more accessible (It is not really THAT much accessible but still, it’s more than before) due to our dimwit of a president and for the love of god i just cannot understand how would you come to the conclusion that the solution to gun violence and crime is to fight fire with fire, trying to stop violence with a tool which it’s whole purpose is to kill is just heating up even further the flames. We all know the infinite line of revenge gets even longer with each chain link but apparently some people are unable to see the first two…

Anyways, so back when my partner was arriving home after visiting me she would arrive to her city’s airport and wait for a while with no one to come pick her up which was strange due to her sister having always been the one to pick her but after a long while of waiting who would appear would be her mother, apparently that same day that she had arrived her sister found that trashy dude sleeping with another woman in her bed so things escalated and that’s why she didn’t show up, mind you this is 7 months after knowing that she was pregnant so the baby was literally a few months away and that piece of trash just wasn’t able to keep his head outside of trouble. Welp things when south from there and we got all worried about her due to the whole “single mother” thing but she still kept her enthusiasm (it’s not her first time after all) and carried on. The baby was born earlier this month and during those days i couldn’t really keep the usual communication with my partner since her sister is staying with them in order to get some helping hands (My partner’s hellish sleep schedule is helping her stay awake and attentive for those early morning baby things, who would have thought) so during last week i could barely exchange some messages with her which was fine really since i was feeling like garbage still and that way i could focus on tasting my emotions and coming up with solutions to them (waiting for them to go away) but after some days of that one night my partner would send me a message that read something like “The whole family is feeling bad, turns out the baby has a rare decease called craniosynostosis”.

I asked her what the decease was about while i looked up detailed information on google and so i found out that it is indeed a rare decease where the baby’s cranium comes out extremely enclosed after birth, usually since babies are yet to develop their brains their cranium is not fully enclosed yet and has little gaps between the bones that conform it to allow for the brain to grow before being completely encased, since the decease implies that the cranium has no gaps to be pushed then that means that the brain has no place to grow to so babies that don’t get treated have a hard time developing their cognition and also their face and head gets more and more deformed over time. After reading that i got extremely worried, i am no medic but since this is a brain and bones related issue i immediately assumed that they would probably have to subject the poor little guy to some sort of surgery… neuro surgery and if you know how costly those are well you are in for the worst part, looking up some info about similar surgeries done to chilean kids in the last 5 years turns out that the total cost of the surgery comes down to arround 20 to 30 million Chilean pesos… that’s… so much… my partner’s family (including her sister) is not that well of money wise so a payment of that scale could hurt their finance for at least the next 8 years, i thought about that for a second and i felt the immense pressure of the anxiety of having to pay a loan month by month, while also taking care of a baby, while also taking care of children, while also having to work to eat, while also being a single mother… and so the first thing i did was to check my bank balance to see how much was i able to donate to them and let’s say that even if i donated every single piece of imaginary value in my wallet i wouldn’t even scratch 5% of what they would need for it, it is so depressing. After talking for a while with my partner i sent her back to bed and while in mine i would think about how unjust this world is. The next day i told my mother about their situation and while talking to her the anger that i couldn’t muster the day before got multiplied so much that i ended up with a headache afterwards, how can we say that we live in a good meaning world when people are still denying that something as basic as healthcare is a right that NEEDS to be guaranteed by every single government in the world? How can they say that “oh it’s because people that don’t work abuse it” and actually believe it? Who cares? If we have solutions for the worst of the god damn worst randomly decided complications that entropy decided for us why do we still have to sacrifice everything in order to get a speck of hope? Lately whenever the topic of birth rate comes out in one of those religious congregations that happen near my house i always hear older people complaining about the young not wanting to have babies because in their head “They are just to lazy” or “Prefer to take care of a pet” or “The woke virus has gotten to them” or some stupid shit like that and i am now reaching limits i didn’t thought that where. How can you insist that we all have babies when the god damn system you keep on supporting does not take care of them in the slightest? Education keeps getting worse and more expensive, going outside keeps getting scarier day by day and if by the toss of a die you or your child get some weird decease your life basically becomes living for money to pay for a ticket to live, it’s so god damn stupid i want to throw up…

There’s still good news tho, today i found out from my partner’s mother that the baby’s cranium is showing sings of splitting off so maybe as they grow up those separations would become as the one actually needed for their development. But even still if the baby comes out perfectly fine and no surgery has to be done i wont ever forget about this situation happening in the first place, nor would i ever forget that for some mother that just joyful for the arrival of her newborn her nights where spent crying under the weight of uncertainty.

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Diary of Becoming a Princess – September 15 2026 – Tiny Life Will Be So Fun.

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Sorry for the long break between posts (specially when i said that i was going to take a “couple of days” to come back) but life has been getting in the way in the most horrible ways possible for some strange reason and i won’t go into the nitty gritty of things but let’s say these past week has been terrible.

Some day during the last week (I literally can’t remember the exact day sorry) i decided to walk to work during one of the worst summer heats we’ve had in the past decade so i was cooking myself to death the whole trip, turns out those warnings about “Extreme El Niño weather during July-August” where complete lies and the damn kid showed himself early september and ever since i haven’t seen a drop of rain in weeks, even the grass and greenery around town has started turn yellowish with the deathly color of dryness so my brain’s cooliong system hasn’t been able to keep up at all. Anyways, while walking and almost at my destination i received a call on my phone and i could hear it throught my earbuds since my phone was in my pocket, usually i don’t really answer phone calls since they are mostly scams nowadays but for some weird reason that specific call i cared enough to check who was calling and turns out it was one of my friends, some weeks ago a mutual friend between us had told me about their mother having been diagnosed with cancer but they didn’t really specify much so i was reluctant to say anything to them but now that they where calling me directly i thought it was the perfect timing to ask about it… ah and also that day was their birthday so there’s that too. So i answered and they said “Dude, are you walking down X street?” “Yeah?” “Look behind” and so i did and so i found them waving at me from some blocks away and of course i headed straight to meet them.

They told me that something in their car had broken up so they where there to get it fixed and while waiting they just happened to see me walking and so we had a chat about life and stuff, i congratulated them for their birthday and so while chatting the mechanic had already finished their job so my friend offered me to drop me off at the store and so we ended up having a conversation about their mother in the car, they told me that they just happened to come back from having a talk with a relative that lives next town over because their mother was starting chemotherapy the very next day and since she is currently in London (Not so officially, mind you) they where discussing how they could help from here, they also told me that the cancer happened to be at a really developed stage so the doctors told them that her life expectancy is no longer than 3 years… at first i thought about “Had i known this earlier i would have contacted you sooner” but after reading and experiencing Hilnama’s story i just don’t have it in me to ignore the realities of late stage cancer and chemotherapy, i know it is not something that can be survived that easily and even if the cancer goes away the chemotherapy, decreased body defenses and the constant strain of surgeries might just be able to finish anyone off so i didn’t really want to say anything, i didn’t wanted to lie to them and pretend that everything was or would be fine so i just listened to whatever they wanted to tell me, after a while of them being (apparently) calm after telling me that they didn’t expect her life expectancy to be really that long i actually told them a little bit about hilnama’s story (just the not so depressing parts of it) and it seems like they where interested in it so before arriving to the store they told me that they where going to look up some reading material about the topic to get more info and so we parted ways.

When i think about stuff like this i think that most people would prefer for to not hear anything about those types of deceases since whatever you read may expand the feeling of doom inside you but to me and apparently to people close to me not knowing anything about what’s affecting you or your close one’s it’s more of a terrible time, the imperishable sense of uncertainty and the constant instinct of needing to get away from something you can’t see gets stronger and stronger each day that passes becoming an insurmountable mountain that one needs to get across in order to find even if a vague and faint speck of solace in a situation like that so i think that actually knowing and informing oneself of the actual dangers and effects a mortal disease like cancer brings actually helps you climb that mountain easier, knowing means you can see the danger and seeing the danger means that the dark corridors of an uncertain future light up a little bit with the possibilities of chance. You may not see much more than what your eyes can show you and sometimes that view doesn’t go very far at all but at least when we know what’s coming we can brace for impact.

I don’t have it in me to write longer than this today, i’ll continue telling you all about my terrible month tomorrow, see ya then.

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Diary of Becoming a Princess – August 31 2026 – Sonkeishichau na.

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I don’t know if this is a delayed effect of the recent events that have been happening through the world of if it is my head and body fighting against each other due to their defective symbiosis but my mood has been on the floor over the last week and a half i would say. Not often does one get to say this about themselves but I’ve spent so much of my life living with depression and dysthymia that whenever i’m getting close to a depressive episode i can start to recognize the signals and prepare a little bit for my inevitable descent into self loathing, lack of sleep, loss of interest and suicidal ideation; when i warn myself about these i take precautions that i didn’t use to take before in the shape of decent things like preparing a lot of repetitive task in order to take off my mind off the dark thoughts and also desperate things like hiding away box cutters so that i don’t end up adding more scars to my arms but still the general effect these depressive episodes have on me put such a burden on my life that they end up dripping out of me and into my close relationships.

Most of the people that know about me may have memories about me whenever i get on the down low, some have seen me cry and get angry at the world, others may have witness my sudden disappearance from the world for a month or two and other’s are so accustom to then those “depression is coming” signals that i’ve learned to recognized where also ingrained inside their brains just by hanging out near me. In the past when i was around 14-17 whenever the horizons of my future would narrow to less than a day i would get so agitated and easily ignitable that whenever someone would try to help me out some way or another i would straight up shout at them to leave me alone and then proceed to hide myself away from their and other’s sight and in solitude i would discharge my anger at myself by punching walls (My knuckles have a lot of scars in them thanks to that) and also by destroying whatever i had at hand, i remember once i started biting out a tin container out of anger and i did that for so long that by the end the thing was so distorted it looked more like a avant garde piece or art rather than a can, all while crying and lamenting myself, it’s a wonder how the hell do i still have teeth at all.

Later when i grew out of that my the burning feelings of the flames in my abyss would die down so much that it seem as if they where almost frozen, my suffering changed it’s shape to contemplation and stillness, i would become more of a plant than i would like to admit really. Most of my days in that era where spent lying down in bed looking at the ceiling or setting a chair in the balcony and staring at the mountain view our previous house had while daydreaming about being someone else, in a better world, a better me. By this time something in me had broken and so i just couldn’t cry anymore for some reason, i guess in the previous phase i cried so much that the cogs in that mechanism grinded their teeth away and so even when my heart activates it’s tear motors those cogs spin without touching each other, the only thing that gets me to cry now is extremely cute songs (i’m for real on this) so i guess i could spin that fact about my self as an expression of happiness? I don’t know really, i have such a distorted view of tears that even when i see or hear someone else crying i just don’t know what to do and i talked about that in that entry about my coworker but also i acutely bodily remember whenever my friend who i used to be in love with would cry while sharing their heart to me and i felt like this horrible horrible human being for not being able to help her in anyway other than just being there… anyways, this phase of my depression lasted the longest, from around my 18s to my 26s and many of my friend would tell you how annoying was to be my friend during that time, aside from my constant suicidal ideation and expression whenever i socialized there would also be those times when out of nowhere i would be bombarded by my feelings and had to take weeks spanning breaks in order to sort them out. As my partner and i have known each other since corona times (we started dating just barely 3 years ago) she may recall many a time when we had a routine of groupwatching some anime or something every night or so just for me to suddenly completely disappear from this earth, after some days she would get worried about me and message me and i would explain to her what i was going through and as a symbol of friendship i would agree to make an exception to my solitude to just watch some anime episodes with her, in retrospect the fact that whenever i felt like dying i would still make exceptions for her meant that romantic buds where already there for a long time but i wouldn’t recognize them as that until way later…

As a side note whenever i tell the story about how we started dating and i speak about how i just felt like she was my best friend until literally seconds before anything romantic would come and that my trip to Chile was really meant for me to visit a really good friend and people look at me like “nah dude you had some intentions there” it kinda pisses me off. I remember hearing about when my partner told her best friend that i was coming to visit all the way from Colombia and they said “Oh, that’s suspect” i felt so stunned and confused, wouldn’t any of you do this for a friend that you like? Traveling to another country to see a friend is considered a romantic move? I just wanted to take a vacation away from the whole teaching stuff and also visit my dear friend, that’s all, what happened later was just the natural development of our relationship.

Anyway, i don’t really know where i’m going with this entry, i just feel bad inside, i have this big big big big big big hole in my chest that nothing seems to fill and i feel horrible about it and i don’t know what to do or what is it that i want or what do i have to do in order to close the lid. My future is scary not in the shape i used to look at it in the past but rather in such a “safe” danger that wouldn’t trigger my immediate fight or flight instinct and my love life and friend life would be going better if this imperative need for me to hide away myself from everyone wasn’t present all the time now so I’m actually at such a loss. I’ve yet to contact many of my dear friends for at least a month now and the only person i’ve been having conversations with is my partner, the rest of the people on my life have dissipated and i’m pretty sure it is my fault somehow (by keeping distance i guess) but the hurt inflicted in me that comes from being not remembered decays my soul so bad, it makes me feel insignificant and forgettable and lost and desperate. By now fear and grief look like they are not farther than 10 meters away from me, and each step they makes this hole open up so much that by the time they are in front of me there won’t be much more than old habits.

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Diary of Becoming a Princess – August 27 2026 – Chelsea Wood.

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Okay, let’s have a talk about Summer Camp Island.

As i said before we recently finished season 4 of Summer Camp Island and even though i’ve loved the series ever since it came out this time it has consolidated into one of my favourite shows of all time. Although in the past i’ve been an avid critic of cartoon shows due to them being kinda vapid in what i call “It’s compass”, and what i mean by that is that even when the passion their teams had for the show is able to be seen in the lines they drew most of it it’s directionless in terms of an overall theme, it appears as if they where all content with being cool, zany, wacky, experimental or simply funny. Don’t get me wrong that is a pretty good way to build art and many of my favourite shows like Invader Zim and My Life as a Teenage Robot do that extremely well but they also lack this sense guidance that leads to going a little bit farther than just their intrinsic merits.

If you know me by now you may have been wondering “What about My Little Pony Friendship is Magic, Fami? You love that show don’t you?” and of course i absolutely LOVE that show and even thought it also diverges into the zany, wacky or let’s itself be controlled by “what the people may think it’s cool” attitude in terms of the fandom the reason why i find it so endearing it’s because it’s direction has been clear form the very start of the concept and even it’s present in the title, in the world of MLP the theme of friendship being magic it’s present even in the most self indulgent episodes and that allows it to explore the theme in the many MANY different ways that they where able to. Even when things like lore and the world development and drama and the insanely HUGE cast of characters and stuff take center stage you can always feel the direction that “compass” is pointing to. Although i must admit that most of the reason why i like MLP is because i’ve spent so much time inside it’s fandom (around 11 years) so even if i see that the show has some problems in it’s pacing the place it takes in my heart it’s a little bit biased.

I feel that Summer Camp Island also has this “compass” that directs every single thing the show stands for and even though i previously discussed the “Love” concept that envelopes the series i don’t actually think that’s the main theme that defines it, what i actually think serves as the north for the series it’s (apparently my favourite word as of late) “Understanding”. This theme it’s present in all of the things that happen in the show while also being sprayed over all of it’s concepts, the show treats themes by means of questions it presents it’s viewers on each episode, we can see Oscar trying to understand his own feelings for himself and his best friend Hedgehog, we see Hedgehog try to understand her feelings for her parents and for her own desires as a person and we also see Susie failing to understand Ramona’s/Mildred’s feelings and the reason for their “betrayal”. Besides that there’s also this extensive curiosity for the world that permeates all of the characters as they try to make sense of it’s magic within and the show always has the perfect answer for those questions in the form of incessant explanations as to “how” but never as to “why” and in that way it maintains it sense of wonder by never giving it’s characters a conclusive answer, the only answers they can really get in a half clear way is of the questions that dwell withing themselves.

While the whole show deals with these themes i think that (as of yet i’ve not seen season 6 so i can’t say) season 4 its the best one at that, we have an episode where Oscar’s been having these recurring dreams about making the perfect breakfast while dancing but he doesn’t think he can make it IRL due to him being so clumsy, he tells hedgehog and then he starts practicing his act with no end in sight and so Hedgehog uses a spell so that Oscar may have a lucid dream and see what he may have missed, the dream plays itself again and we notice that in Oscar’s dream vision field he is always alone while he cooks but as he inspects each and every corner of his dream he finds Hedgehog hidden in a kitchen cabinet and Oscar says “and there’s hedgehog cheering me from the cabinet” and that’s when he starts seeing the part that has been missing about the dream, and that is that at the end when he finishes cooking a large crowd made up starving monsters is waiting for the meal, then Oscar tries cooking again but this time he is successful and makes a pretty delicious meal for the crowd of friends that gathered while he cooked. I tell you about this episode because i think it encapsulates what i mean about this “Understanding” and “love” compass, Oscar misses one of the most obvious things for him to be able to cook a great meal because in his head the answer MUST be something deeper and the same applies to Hedgehog as she also thinks the answer may lie in the immediate circumstances of his cooking but both fail to “understand” that Oscar is just simply feeling lonely.

There’s also this episode where Hedgehog, having become an almost fully fledged witch, goes to the Broom maker to get her Broom and he explains that magic is always inherited from the mother’s side of the family and so he asks her about her mother’s broom, of course seeing as her mother is a workaholic obsessed with making of hedgehog her perfect “daughter” she has never seen her touching a broom or doing anything “magical”, still the broom maker takes hedgehog’s measurements and crafts her a broom but as she tries to use it there’s this involuntary reaction in her when she touches it that makes her crouch down and lower her head so that it touches the broom and so she can’t fly at all, having explained the maternal magic inheritance the broom maker prompts hedgehog to visit her literal “family tree” where she finds all of her female ancestors to ask them about why does she have this reactions, then she checks with all of them but finds no answer until Oscar says to her to try and spot the “different one” and so they find this red haired tall woman that turns out to be the root of the cause and she explains that whenever she flies on her broom she takes that posture because her hair was too noticeable while flying and the witch hunters may be able to see her going about, that’s when hedgehog makes sense of her problem and assures herself that as witch hunters don’t exist anymore she is now able to free herself from her shackles, then she tries to get on her broom once again and this time, having acquired the “understanding” of herself and her lineage she is able to fly correctly this time, then we get this really emotional scene where, as hedgehog flies alongside Oscar on her back, we see all of her ancestors flying right behind her but this time they all are flying with the correct posture, symbolizing the end of her intergenerational trauma and it’s ritualistic customs.

But by far my favorite episode from this season is the last one that deals with Pepper’s realization of his identity, i wont spoil it for you, i find that the episode it’s extremely dreamlike and magical and cute and funny and i also think that you can perfectly watch it without having much knowledge about the series so i encourage you my million readers to go and experience it for yourself.

By now you all may understand why i like this series and this season so much (even though i still have some things to say about other episodes but i don’t want to make this post just a retelling of the series) understanding of oneself, one’s loved ones and one’s surroundings it’s what drives the show forward and elevates it from just being a funny cutesy show about feelings, it wants for it’s audience to think about the world and of the acting part they serve on the world while embracing them with the affirmation that no matter what the problem or difference we may find out there in the wild we can count on the magic (love) of the world to help us out.

Quote of the Day

“I’m a cloud!!”

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Diary of Becoming a Princess – August 27 2026 – Boku wa Computer.

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Had a night of troubleshooting my pc yesterday that culminated in frustration and i didn’t really want to talk about it ’cause i was planning on doing some analysis for Summer Camp Island season 4 since me and my partner finished a little while ago and that has become my favourite season of the show (we’re closing on season 5 so idk what i may think about season 6) but as i was getting ready to write my pc crashed and wouldn’t boot again, on start-up it would just run the windows boot sequence indefinitely and when prompted to run repair mode it just stood there in a black screen and for the life of me i couldn’t figure out what was wrong with it, at first i thought it was the SSD since i’ve been reading about a lot of defective 2024 (around the year i bought it) dying unexpectedly or having problems with their writing speeds but looking at the Bios the device appeared without issues so i just limited myself to re-seating it but the problem persisted, that’s when i remembered something really weird that happened around October of last year when i was reading some stuff and a sudden storm started roaring in the distance just for then to spark a thunder in the vicinity, power didn’t go out or anything but i did noticed a weird sound coming out of my headphones so curious about it i put on some music but nothing came out, at that moment i thought that maybe the discharge from the thunder may have surged the headphones drivers (the physical ones, not the software) and so they may have bomb themselves to death.

So i tried rebooting and still i had no sound and then i tried resetting the audio driver (software) in the device administrator just to find that… the audio driver (software) wasn’t there? Like, what? So i tried looking for the driver online, installed it, rebooted aaaaaand it still didn’t work. I was at a complete loss since when i figured out that a freaking thunder had yeeted a software driver out of my drive life didn’t made sense to me anymore and that’s when i had an idea; as I’m a cheap audiophile most of the time i use 3.5mm headphones connected to straight the motherboard’s interface (Good dacs and amps are just too expensive for me, yes i listen to FLACs on a standard setup, i’m sorry) and the headphones i had at the time had a split cable that conjoined i thought…what if i remove the splitter? and so i did, and so the headphones came back to life and so my understanding of tech and cables came tumbling down in a confusion spiral, how the hell did a thunder that didn’t even took the power off managed to summon the literal uninstall wizard to my home, fried a splitter cable and then deep fried a driver? Well anyway, ever since that incident my computer has had troubles with it’s audio drivers and i’ve had to repeat the process at least 2 times already.

So keeping that in mind i thought that maybe the motherboard had already passed to a better life and i was preparing my wallet for a new one so i grabbed my phone to look at prices online and that’s when i noticed something weird, see that light that pulsates that indicates the HDD is currently writing or reading? well it became completely lit and stayed like that all the time the moment i tried starting the boot sequence, that’s when my eyes lit up the same way the indicator did and i said out loud: “Are you kidding me!? It’s one of the HDDs!?” and so i tried removing both of the HHDs in my system and tried to boot up aaaaaaaaand it posted, yep, it passed directly to windows, and so i thought “Wait which one of these two dummies is the one that died?” and so i connected one and tried to boot again, it posted again, that’s 1/2 so i tried checking connecting the other one…. and it posted again. Like, what? At this point I’m just so lost that i cannot bring myself to even try to figure out what it’s going on. My best guess is that one of the two HDDs is dying and somehow that’s affecting the badly programed shittily debugged windows boot up sequence in my SSD, Microsoft, fix this garbage please.

This experience has convinced me, somehow, that i need a NAS, not because i want to preserve my data in a much safer way or something but because i’m dumb and i want to stop relying in mechanical disks in my main setup. Althought i’m pretty sure this is just Windows being shitty coupled with my Motherboard being haunted by Ben Drowned or something idk.

Thoughts of the Day

Fuck AI

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Diary of Becoming a Princess – August 24 2026 – Night Thoughts.

FamikyLeave a comment

As a follow up piece to the latest entry here’s some writings about what i like about the Night. I remember once when i was still in high school where me and some classmates sat on one of the entrances to the school as we waited for the pouring rain to cease, after letting out a big sigh one of them said “Dude i hate rain so much, it makes everything inconvenient”, i thought about what they said for a minute and i kind of wanted to agree with them but a feeling of loneliness, contemplation and admiration came crashing like an unassuming wave that took the words i had prepared for my response and changed them into “Don’t you think the world looks better while it rains?”

I had no arguments for my statement at the time but as i received half-annoyed responses for what i said my mind started to look for what was the beauty that i had seen, it took me a while but when i found it i expressed it to them: “Idk, maybe it’s the combination of seeing the world in a different light but also there’s this feeling of kind of being in a bubble? Like while it rains even when the sound of it gets louder and louder there’s this feeling of calmness, people go away and we only see the pretty colors contrasting against the grey atmosphere of the clouds” (yes i was that pedantic even in high school). When i think about why i like the night more than i do the day i often go back to that moment of trying to describe what i felt about the rain-world, i think what i said is applicable to the deepest of nights and the earliest of dawns. The night is home to silence and to loneliness, it provokes this idea in humans of having to seclude ourselves in the bubbles of light and to guard our bodies from the harm of unknown actors, but once one gets off our self conservation instincts and leave that bubble we are able to get a glimpse of the other side of the world not meant for us.

Walking down a street in the middle of the night with no one in sight feels like the world is there not to be used as a backdrop but as the protagonist, it now demands your attention in a way that makes it’s status as the backbone of the world, actors that stroll this world now become points of interest, be them good or bad, but always demarcating their range of influence in the form of their bubble of their awareness. Unlike in the day your awareness bubble and other’s don’t touch each other on accident due to the sheer amount of them existing, their intersections and interactions become then deliberate and so become much more personal and even when we get into our home bubbles and light bubbles where we feel much safer and we tend to see darkness as the end of our interactive world the limitations make our conscience much more focused in the things that “exist” in them.

This idea of our barriers getting stronger in the dark makes people like me feel safer in the sense that, at least for me, i feel like my thoughts and worries and interest extend exactly to where i want them to. I cant’ tell you how annoying is for me to be deeply thinking about something in the middle of the day just for another person to notice me doing it and immediately asking what am i up to, same thing while i’m cooking something, trying to draw, read a novel or article or whatever I’m up to at the moment. The collision of another’s awareness bubbles disrupts mine as if it were distortions in a sky full of denpa and ultimately they produce the static of not feeling safe from judgement.

That’s why i think that when someone shares their night with me, expands their bubble to include me in it, it feels personal and intimate. Sharing a conversation in the deepest of nights, a place where only the people that want to be in it are, it’s for me the real expression of love (Cariño y Amor). It is the strong and heavy statement of “I do not share me because we exist, but because i want us to be”.

Thought of the Day

Maybe i just like loneliness and that’s it, heh.