Category: About Deep Thoughts

About Deep Thoughts · Me Being A Baby

Diary of Becoming a Princess – May 8 2019 – Out There In The Wild.

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Today was a pretty ok day, i studied kanji, played some league of legends, went out for a walk and had my “mini tea party” i always have, thing is i couldn’t make any sweets for it since our oven started failing the other day because of a factory error that made it shut down itself ’cause it thought it was dangerously hot and the emergency system triggered and it wouldn’t get on, i’ve had always thought that that oven was failing since the day we bought it ’cause i had to be at it’s side every single minute cause it shutted itself down without any apparent reason, my family was always like “Dude maybe you’re doing something wrong since the oven is brand new” so when the oven stopped working at all i’ve joked my parents about it, like dude, how can i mess up the ignition of an oven? It’s the simplest thing ever, anyways, i don’t really like that oven, it has 2 divisions and both are either extremely low or extremely high so baking bread it’s a nightmare ’cause you need to swap the tray every 6 minutes, don’t even ask me about baking cookies, it seems like a quarter of the oven gets stupidly hot no matter the temperature i use so when i bake cupcakes or cookies some of them in the corner end up burnt while the rest end up perfectly fine so i need to be rotating the tray every few minutes while roughly calculating the time it wil take to burn it all, my father was always like “Dude it’s because you are an amateur at this, don’t blame the oven” but that definitely isn’t normal and i know it since at school i do the same exact thing i do at home (Obiously variating the time of cooking since “every oven it’s unique”) but DUDE, it is awfully frustrating not being able to trust an oven with your pastry.

So yeah, about the thing i talked about yesterday, i couldn’t ask my psicologist about it since she cancelled today’s session, i’m fine now tho, it’s not like it is destroying my mind or anything and i just panicked because it was so sudden but now it’s not bothering me at all and i don’t think is going to happen again, changing topics, I FOUND MY CAMERA, YAY! Ever since i recorded those last 2 “Pensamiento en Lemniscata” my camera has been lost, i’ve wanted to do another one SO BADLY lately (In fact, the reason why i started writing this diary is because i need to vent but i couldn’t record one pensamiento en lemniscata) so yeah, i’m probably going to record one tomorrow but i’m not sure about the topic (So if you have anything to want to know about me this is your chance! As if anyone cared about me at all!), doing a pensamiento en lemniscata is so different compared to writing this, in escense they are the same, it’s just me spitballing about whatever comes to mind but the diference is that these diary entries are kind of pre-meditated in a way (I know it doesn’t seem like it since my grammar is atrocious and my wording is trash but still, pensamiento en lemniscata is pure “Whatever comes to mind” energy, yeah i usually have a topic but seeing how i struggle to word myself when giving an opinion about something is the main point of it, even tho if is say it like that it probably sounds really boring (I have a ton of fun doing it tho) but recently a discord friend is been like “DUDE i need another one of those please, i love them” and i don’t get why he likes them but at least i’m entretaining someone with my stupidity so it’s worth it.

Recently i’ve been thinking about the posibility that me putting so much of myself on the internet may not be the greatest idea ever, i’m not a deep, inteligent, thought provoking, interesting guy and my thoughts, aside from weird, are a really simple once you put a little thought on them so maybe putting so much of me out there is gonna burn people of my presence, i know people don’t necesarily have to watch/read them but if Digibro serves me as a comparison point then i’m going to start to hate myself (more than i do now) in no time.

Random Thought of The Day

“For some reason, she’s been of my head these past days, why is that?”

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Diary of Becoming a Princess – May 7 2019 – Lunar Cycle.

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Guess what? It’s been a month since i’ve started writing this diary! Yay! And i literally have nothing to talk about in this entry! Yay!

I mean, you already know about my recent brainblasts and sparks of pretentiousness and today was the most stagnant day i’ve had in a while so i don’t really know what to talk about…oh wait, yesterday something happened but i’m not really sure what i was, so picture me i’ve just finished writing yesterday’s post and i was preparing to get through my album backlog and out of nowhere i start panicking, i don’t really know what triggered it but i started sweating and i switched tabs on chrome like a maniac and went from chrome to the desktop to chrom to the desktop like 10 times in the span of 30 seconds i was just scared, i literally have no idea of what happened there it was surreal, like if i was on a trance or something, good thing it just lasted like 10 minutes but after that i endend extremely exhausted and fearing for my mental health so tomorrow i’m gonna ask my psycologist about it.

I’ve haven’t had any panic attacks like that lately but i’ve had many of those in the past due to my fear of alcohol, for some weird reason i’ve had this fear of alcohol that haunts me, not because i want to drink it but because it makes hanging out with people really difficult, for some reason when people think of “Having a good time” they usually mean just going to some roof to drink alcohol and have some conversations aaaaaaaaand as i can’t even smell the scent of fermented wheat ’cause i become all grumpy and my stomach starts mixing my insides it sometimes makes me leave “Quality time with friends” much more early than usual, i stil remember one christmas party that we had one time where i tried drinking some coke in some jar that turned out to be coke with vodka so almost inmediately after drinking a sip of it i had to run to the bathroom ’cause my body was instantly trying to puke it, i ended up shuting up myself in the bathroom while i was crying and vomiting the entire night, what a nice memory.

Random Thought Of The Day

“Come to think of it, i DID stayed there all night didn’t i? huh…”

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Diary of Becoming a Princess – May 5 2019 – Communication OMG.

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I was awoken by a message today, a really weird thing to happen to me as nobody ever cares to talk to me at all, it was a message form a internet friend that i somehow made 2 years ago (Omg, it’s been so long), she’s a translator from spain that for whatever reason watched my Shibuya-kei video and then started following me on twitter and we began responding to each other’s tweets until one day we added each other on Discord and then we made a Podcast together about Ojamajo Doremi, and we’ve sporadically talked ever since, thing is she is a really busy person so seeing her online on discord it’s actually a really weird sight so i’ve always tried to start our conversations whenever i ser her online, but she greeted me today in an actually really casual way and idk why but it made me happy, we talked about a ton of things as we usually do as we talk like once a month so we have a lot to talk about and we usually talk like if we where kind of friends but with mutual respect (Or i least i respect her a lot) so it’s really fun being able to joke arround while also talking about serious (And banal) matters without it turning into a slow and awkard thing.

So the point of the previous paragraph wasn’t really about “People don’t talk to me” but actually “I had a pleasant conversation with someone”, i’ve never been the type of person to get hung over the “Nobody ever talks to me” like, i feel that loneliness (As i mentioned in “Modern Age Loneliness”) but i clearly know that if i wanted to talk to anybody then i just need to message them about whatever comes to mind, even a “Hey” is enough to start a cool conversation with someone, the actual reason why i don’t do it it’s because i hate cold conversations, take in mind today’s conversation with that girl, we talked pleasantly without me ever getting into a weird “We don’t really get eachother” kind of feeling, and then compare that to some conversations i’ve had with another girl on discord that watched my streams and she was really hunged up on talking to me (And that made me really happy too) but whenever we greeted eachother the conversation turned into the most slow, awkward and “Bus chat” that i’ve ever had in my life, there was no dynamic, there was no back and forth, there was no weird conversational gimmicks, it was just plain and banal and awkward and it felt horrible, but not because i hate her or anything (And she obviously doesn’t hate me) but because i wanted so hardly to make our friendship work while we clearly didn’t really share all that in common, and even if we shared something in common talking to her about those things was just simply weird.
“So…?” you may be thinking, what i want to get through is the idea that talking to other people, rather than scary just because “i don’t know how to express myself” is more like frustrating if it isn’t with someone that doesn’t put you in the mood for a good conversation (I don’t know if this is making any sense to you), at least for me that’s what i fear when i meet new people, i have friends that share absolutely nothing in common with me but for some weird reason we enjoy each other’s presence so much that it isn’t a problem at all and we talk for hours and hours about the most banal things in existence but we do it in a way that we can feel at ease with each other

talking to people is difficult

but not being able to hold a good conversation

is way worse than that.

Maaan, aside from that this day’s been hell, somehow halfway through the day i started thinking about her and after the usual drip of dopamine that thinking of her brings me everything turned arround to uneasiness, “Maybe i just need to be more direct and send her a DM like i did that one time” followed by “But last time she replied in a really standoffish way so maybe i shouldn’t do that” followed by “But she’s like that isn’t her? Like, i’ve read she’s really shy so maybe it’s just a matter of getting used to each other” followed by “But wait, last message was a really cold one by me so maybe that’s why she didn’t replied in a friendly matter” followed by “But wait… didn’t i tried to soften that cold message by means of a softer, friendlier one but she didn’t reply at all?”, after analyzing i think that what makes me uneasy about my advances is the fact that… i’ve runned out of options, i think? i mean, i don’t really know what to do now and it’s driving me crazy ’cause thoghts about her are surrounding my head way more often that they used to and that reminds me of previous doki doki’s i’ve had over my life and as none of them have ever blossomed my head it’s starting to send the “Give up now dude before you get hurt like before” signals, but to be sincere with you, the fact that i’ve got so much against me on this love i’m feeling and that it’s now starting to infatuate me with such strenght that my head is starting to fight me over it… at least for me… it makes it one of the most beautiful, natural, cute and pure doki doki’s i’ve ever had.

Random Thought Of The Day

“Am i a hypocrite? well, whatever, i don’t really care about it now”

About Deep Thoughts · About Friends · About Love · Me Being A Baby

Diary of Becoming a Princess – May 2 2019 – About Her, My Friends And Me.

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So today i stared writing this pretty early (im still on the bus) tons of things happened as i was writing yesterday’s post so i couldn’t write about them properly, but now i can! Plus im investing more time on this one so you can expect this update on the meaty side.

So let’s talk about today, i had japanese classes and as you may know by now my brain is on airplane mode in regards to japanese so there’s not that much to talk about on that front, but today i felt more natural than previously even tho i still made REALLY REALLY dumb mistakes, the funny thing was that on my way to class i met one of the dudes from yesterday on the city bus, it was really weird because we are used to not seeing each other that much so being able to talk even if for a litte while was pretty nice, we just had some stupid banter about life and some crazy dude spitballing about politics on the bus, pretty short talk but really blessed meeting i guess, but man, you know what hapened next? When i was returning to the bus station to get on my bus home I MET WITH THE OTHER DUDE I WATCHED THE MOVIE YESTERDAY, like WHAT ARE THE CHANCES? Like really, he was on the city cause he needed to finish one of the last proyects for his semester so i practically met him at the best posible moment, like man, why does destiny always turns things like this? Anyways, we talked about his proyect and about life and things while we walked together to the bus station, unaforunately even tho we live in the same city the are no a single bus that takes a route that benefits each of us so we parted ways when we arrived at the station, and so, we arrive at the now, im writing this on my celphone’s notes while the bus trembles and i lose my sight, nice isn’t it?

So now let’s get to the juicy bit, YESTERDAY AS I WAS WRITING THE ENTRY, so first of all, when i arrived home after the movie there was no one home so i turned on my pc and started writing the entry cause i wanted to finish it quickly, i wrote half of it and then opened twitter to take a little brake looking at cute pictures, aaaaand i saw her tweets, she was talking about having been crying all day and feeling real bad and then this awful really opressive feeling clotted all of  my self “Damn it, i wanna help her so much but she’s really hard to deal with dur to her anxieties, how can i help her? Can i help her at all?” I ciecled that thought for a loooong while and i ended up so flooded my emotions and things that i ended tweeting an “Ugh”, now, keep in mind that i was supossed to be on my social recess, away from social media and i haven’t tweeted at all in two days or so (yeah, thats a ton of time), after posting that i went to walk out little juana so i could clear my head a little, when i returned home after a while i noticed my Father had arrived so i greeted him and he asked me where i was and i told him about the movie and things and he laughed cause i’ve told him that i didn’t wanted to watch the movie at all but then i went and watched it, we laughed and the he asked: “Hey, have you eaten yet” and then i remembered “Oh man, i’ve only eaten some bread for breakfast”, My father’s face went from laugh to anger so quickly i didn’t even had time to react.

Here’s a little thing about me that you prolly didn’t know at all (heh) I hate my body, i really do, with time i’ve ended up accepting it but when i discovered that i really wanted to be a girl it was such a shock to me that i started mistreating it in varuious ways, the worst thing about it is that by the time i figured out my situation it was too late to start doing anything about it so i gave up and started dressing and changing my style without a care for what i look (That’s why there are so many weird pictures of me on twitter) and at some point, rather than not giving a damn i began hating it so much that i basically came bullimic/anorexic, i didn’t eat at all and the few things i ate i puked after looking myself at the mirror and thinking “I don’t want my body to be shaped like this” it got to a point where i started fainting, and on one of those i began puking blood and my stomach started hurting a ton so my family took me to the hospital where i lost eyesight for at least 2 hours due to blood loss as i had developed an various stomach ulcers plus anemia, it was such a shock for me (Someone that wants to be an artist) to lose my eyesight that i stopped, i still remember being on a wheelchair trying my hardest to open my eyes as wide as i could but being unable to see anything and getting so scared that i started screaming and crying, so you may now get why my father was so angry at me for not having eaten anything that day, then i remembered some little thing that i had ignored while i was with my friends, when we where waiting for the showing as we walked arround a mall i usually looked at some mirrors so i could check how i looked and i remember thinking “Man, i hate this, why is my chest so pumped and my face so round? Damn, i’m getting fat” dude, it scared me, these past days i’ve been tempted to return to my old habbits of destroying myself and it is beginning to worry me, even tho i still feel the same as a few years back i’ve now learned that mistreating myself won’t do anything so i’m kinda scared that after all this suffering it seems i’ve learned almost nothing.

There i was then, sinking into so much depression and despair and anxiety, so my body went directly to look at twitter (I do that when i’m stressed, if i get stressed about something i start to randomly look at twitter without really looking at anything, i just switch to the tab and come back to whatever i’m doing, a weird reflex, i know) and as i switched i saw something, that girl tweeted about how stupid was for her to tweet about her things, that she shouldn’t be venting on twitter, that even venting on japanese wasn’t doing anything, and this is going to sound really pretentious of me but… i think it is because of me? like, maybe some of that ranting was aimed at me? i know it sounds like i’m now really imprinting myself onto her words but man, IT REALLY SEEMS LIKE IT! (maybe im being to much of a douche here… dude, im prone to dreaming ok?) and so i panicked REALLY HARD while trying to find words to apologize with but then i remember that she’s such a delicate person (That’s one of the things that makes her so cute) that i really couldn’t DM her about it and even if i could what if those words wheren’t aimed at me at all and i talk to her about them but she’s like “Dude, no, i’m not talking about you at all, you stupid asshole” and i’m like “DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN” and then i panicked HARDER and threw myself onto the bed and grabbed my pillow and puted it on myself and began SCREAMING AS HARD AS I COULD WHILE ROLLING ARROUND, awwwwwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhggggggggggggggggggggggggg, i still cringe about it, man, am i too delutional? Is love clotting so much of my view? ANGGGGGGG.

So, reviewing, i suck at japanese, i’m starting to show bullimic/anorexic/suicidal tendancies again and i probably killed the place where the girl i like expresses herself, let’s go Famiky! You are such a nice guy! You Rock! You the best! uhg, im gonna cry.

Random Thought of the Day

“Kick me when i’m lowest, i’m the worst anyways”

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Diary of Becoming a Princess – May 1 2019 – Pay and Payback.

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So as i told you yesterday today i went to see the new Avengers movie, but let’s start from this morning, so i wake up, feeling awful because i spended most of the night trying to not cry but anyways, remember yesterday’s drawing? well this morning it had 1 like from one really good friend from twitter that likes almost all of my drawings, i don’t want to sound like an arrogant guy but man spending a whole afternoon drawing something just for almost no one to like it feels horrible, it happened to the drawing i did previously, the Kokichi Ouma one, almost nobody liked it, and now that i think about it, of all of the things i do and publish on the internet my drawings are the ones that get the least amount of recognition compared of how much time and effort i put in them, it’s kinda disheartening because drawing is the thing i dedicate most of my time and effort, my main goal in life is to be proficient at art so most of my life it’s been just drawing a lot, so when i make a drawing i really like an publish it on social media and it doesn’t get attention at all i become really depressed, i guess i’m really bad at it (It managed to get to 6 likes now, but i’m talking about how i felt this morning)

So starting the day already depressed i went downstairs to grab something to eat and prepare to go out and see my friends so we could go and watch the movie later, and i noticed that just mother was at home, i have a pretty good relationship with her so we had some trivial conversations about life and things (I didn’t told her about what happened on monday tho) and i recieved a message on whatsapp, weird thing ’cause nobody talks to me ever so i was surprised and read it inmediately, it was from one of my besties saying that he had some plans with one of his gym friends to go see the Avengers movie but some people couldn’t go so he was looking for people that could fill those spots, it was completely free but it was kinda late and i had already made plans with my other friends so i declined the invitation, i finished preparing myself and went out, and i turned out pretty early at the meeting place so i wandered arround looking for whatever i could find, the place was a mall and i could have looked for some cute clothes but as this is a pretty badly tasted city all of the clothing shops where displaying these really bad/unoriginal/not cute at all clothes so i pretty much gived up on the idea and just went to sit on some bench, when they arrived we talked about life and such, the people i met where the guys i ended up as classmates after i failed at one of my highschool’s years so even tho i like them a whole bunch we don’t see each other really often (Plus they all are on college and have little time for me) one of those was the guy that invited me to the Udon “All You Can Eat” event, we talked a little bit in japanese, so after having some coffe and a good talk we went to buy the tickets for the movie, low and behold, it was full of people, weird thing because the movie came out like a week earlier so i assumed that everyone had already seen it and the people seeing it today where there because they late to the thing, BUT THERE WHERE SO MANY PEOPLE THERE, omg it’s so stressful being surrounded by so many people, it’s actually kinda suffocating, anyways, we did the line and when we asked for the tickets the girl on the counter said “Sorry, we are out of the next showing’s seats” and we where like “What, ok then when it’s the next one” and the girl said “Next one it’s in 4 hours” and we where like “AWWW HELL NO, you got any other one?” and she’s like “There’s one in a hour and a half but it’s only on 2d” and we “Dude, we weren’t looking for the 3d one anyways, so give us that” and the girl goes “Yeah but, i only have a pair of seats and one lonely one” and we where like “DUDE, JUST GIVE US THAT ONE, WE DON’T WANT TO WAIT 4 HOURS TO SEE SOME MOVIE” and then the most horrible thing appeared on front of me, the ugliest, most disgusting, awful price i’ve seen all my life for a movie ticket, it was, not kidding, TRIPLE OF WHAT IT USUALLY COSTS, i was like “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT” and my friends where like “Wait, what?” and the girl goes like “¯\_(ツ)_/¯” and so we ended up paying because well, whatever, and, as i was giving away my precious money something flashed on my head like if it was a flashback in some run of the mill anime…”Dude, i’ve got free tickets for the Avengers movie, wanna come?”, i died after that.

So, the movie, well… it was okay, i’ve never understood the fuss all over the Marvel movies (Or all Superhero movies) like, the only one i’ve liked these past years was the Spiderman into the spiderverse one and that was only because the animation was godlike but couldn’t give anything for the characters or story, plus i’ve only watched the original Avangers one and the Civil War one so i didn’t even knew most of the characters involved in the story, soooooo i didn’t really cared about anything that was happening and even if i had watched all of the movies i still prolly won’t give a damn, for me, these kinds of movies are just the same movie recycled over and over and over, the only thing i kind of find enjoyable it’s that they usually feature really good SFX and that’s it, but as some scene where an important character died after some fierce battle was happening, i heard a girl crying in the theater, and then i began hearing more people crying, and i was like “whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? why would you cry over this? are you really that invested?” as i heard those people cry i thought about what was happening, i was watching a movie i didn’t really care for alongside people that cared so much that they started crying, it was…special, like if somehow some of the passion that people put into these movies was touching me (In a really weird way) but at least it was touching me, how many other pieces of media exist that i don’t really care about but some people do so much as to cry because of it? it sounds really pedantic, but it made me appreciate art (As much as an Disney’s Marvel’s Avengers as it is) and it’s repercussion on people, i wish someday i’ll be able to create something that makes somebody feel strong emotions, you could say, i really want to make people cry.

Random Thought of the Day

“Frustration is penting up and releasing”

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Diary of Becoming a Princess – April 29 2019 – Broken Doll

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So today was a pretty horrible day, i tought it was going to be a pretty alright day since there was nothing that stressful to do so i woke up, drew for a while, got ready to go to japanese class and departed thinking it would be a pretty normal day, last time i talked about japanese classe i mention how these past few classes i’ve been completely out of the game, my brain wasn’t really working propertly and i’ve been forgeting kanji even tho i practically read/use them daily, but today, oh man today was something else, as language teachers usually do, class today was just talking about some tourist place we’ve been to, describing it as if we where seling it out, when it got to my turn, my brain melted, literally, i don’t know what happened but i forgot everthing, almost as if i haven’t been taking japanese class at all and i was just a run of the mill weaboo spitting nonsense, words wouldn’t even take of my mouth and those that got out where pronounced in the worst posible way ever, and it isn’t just my judgy self speaking, like my teacher and everyone else noticed it, the teacher was also worried about it like she told me that the last class was just like that and she asked me if i was fine or something, I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, and is not as if i had a sudden scene panick attack or something, i’ve been studying with these people for the past 3 years and a half and i’ve speaked in from of them plenty of times, i just, don’t know what happened.

Needless to say, i got depressed, REALLY depressed, you wouldn’t bevielve how depressed i got by such a thing happening, but my mind went inmediately to judging myself, it seems that i cannnot forgive myself even for the tiniest of errors i make (Like what happened with the final tests) i just simply lose my mind and start thinking about how useless i am and about how stupid and incompetent i trully am, and it didn’t stoped there, when i started walking to the bus station to return home i spiraled down into this weird state of depression in which i keep walking while everything in my surroundings just completely disapears but by some miracle i’m able to keep on walking safetly to my destination as i keep on sinking until it got so bad that i was reminded about the time i droped out of college and then i inmediately stopped and stood there for a while, i was kinda in a state of numbness and fear, both at the same, i know it sounds stupid but man, i don’t know how else to describe it….

So today when i was on the bus going home, i cried, i cried a lot, thinking that it was going to be the same as that time and fearing that everything i’ve done these past years was worth nothing as i was starting to give up completely on myself, so i planned to buy a cutter so i could return to self mutilation again, dude idk, i was feeling really horrible, and when i returned home i inmediately went out to walk the dog and buy that cutter but after a good walk out of nowhere Coltemonikha’s “Domino” started playing in my head, followed by the thought of that girl i told you i liked, i was thinking about how awesome she is at expressing her feelings, about how if you read anything from her you can almost see her manerisms, hear her voice and completely feel what she’s feeling, how she just needs that little push so that she may overcome her social anxieties and become such a great and pleasant and transparent person, and i know this sounds really freaking stupid but, just thinking about that healed me so much (Plus watching little juana be so happy to see me and walk arround with me) they healed almost everything i had been feeling until that moment, it made me think “Maybe i just need to try a little longer, not give up so easily” and just the thought of that made me realize that maybe, if just a little bit, i’ve changed.

There’s no random thought of the day today, im sorry.

Also, even though im kinda not that bad now i’m still feeling a little bit shocked by what happened and it may take a little while for it to heal completely so i’m entering another social recess, i don’t know how much time will it take but as no one ever reads this i’m gonna keep on posting it, i’ll just be off social media.

About Deep Thoughts · About The Past

Diary of Becoming a Princess – April 26 2019 – Fu-an.

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As expected, today was a pretty weird day, being emotionally unstable is really weird in regards to time as i explained in my “Free Time For Bussy People” but it never ceases to amaze me how emotions are able to bend one’s perception of time, i woke up pretty early today, 9 am (For me it’s early ok?) and because yesterday night i was feeling horribly awful i woke up feeling like if i’ve been on a hospital for 5 days straight, i felt tired, my heart hurted, my mind couldn’t concentrate at all and my body didn’t really wanted to move, so i stayed in bed looking at the cieling, when i finally came back from my autistic journey it was already 12 Pm, so i basically stayed 3 hours in bed doing absolutely nothing, nice.

Some guy (Digibro) one day said that being awake in bed is the most depressing thing ever, you are in bed but you are not sleeping meaning your heart/mind is exhausted while your body is not, and i trully believe in that, that explains why time passes so fast even if you are not sleeping. Personally, i have really weird habbits on the bed, i mostly use mine as a thinking place, while i’m in bed i imagine things, plan things, remember things, feel things, so the bed is like a ritualistic place for me, it’s on it that i have most of my emotional breakdowns, it’s the place where i cry and make up with myself and many other things, even the first time i self mutilated was ontop of my bed, funny thing about it is that i was feeling absolutely horrible that day and i’ve read on some forums that self mutilation was really therapeutic ’cause it’s a way to make those untangible pains real but i’ve never tried it myself cause i’m pretty bad at dealing with pain but that day i tried it anyways and it really didn’t felt good at all, it just stinged and i was mostly worried about my family looking at the scars or blood on top of the bed than i felt relieved, the weird thing is that i keept on it, every time i felt really bad with myself i couldn’t get the “Cut yourself” idea out of my head so it became pretty much a routine, even if it didn’t felt good at all, and some even weirder thing that happened is that one day after cutting myself i layed on the bed while looking at my arm and the first thought that came to my mind was “Man, these scars look so cool” dude, i think im broken.

I was very cautious with it tho, i cutted my forearm so it was easier to hide it and i also hid the blade in my backpack (that only i touch) so i thought no body would notice it but one day my blade desapeared, i panicked really hard but not because of the implications of that fact but because i couldn’t find something to cut myself up, remembering that rn is really terrifying cause it was one of my hardest nervous breakdowns i’ve ever had, i was sweating, i bitted my pillow really hard while trying to contain my anxiety and i really wildy searched all over my room for that blade, i never found it but the weirdest thing is that nobody ever talked to me about that, like, if my parents or my sister found about it then they would have talked to me about it but nobody said anything, and i’m sure the blade wouldn’t just dissapear out of nowhere ’cause i only used it in bed and inmediatly tuck it on my backpack, that blade just magically disapeared and that’s the way i stopped cutting myself up, and yes, the scars are completely gone by now.

Love has always been a quite hard subject for me, they never blossom because either i’m a complete idiot and fuck up everything or because no body takes interest in me at all, the only relationship i’ve had it’s one long distance one that i fucked up after a year because i was trully the worst human being on earth, i now think that long distance relationships are a complete joke, love is not only conceptual but tangible as well, nothing ever beats the warmth of a living breathing human but as much as i try and justify myself i can’t deny that most of my love is purely conceptual, i’m a romantic guy, i dream of tea parties, weird forest picnic dates and things like that so it’s no wonder i ended up falling in love with some girl over the internet (again) she’s kinda like me in the worst possible way or at least that’s what i’ve been able to grasp out of our tiny bits of interaction and the cute thing about it is that i’m afraid i’m proyecting too much of myself on her, the way i see it is that she’s kind of someone i may be able to help by teaching her the ways i’ve been a horrible person over the years so we may divide some plan for the two of us to be happy by means of that, i know my hardships, she knows hers and by sharing them we may become better people together, that’s what i want to think and express to her but probably it is way too creepy of a thing to say and there are many other things that would make pursuing a relationship with her really dificult, and that’s even assuming that she even thinks of me as anything more that “That weird twitter guy” and all, but i don’t know man, feelings overcome me really easily.

You may be thinking “What does all of that has to do with the cutting yourself thingy?”, i wanted to tell you about the ways i make absolutely no sense, how can a person cut himself up while not liking it?, how can someone have a bad experience with long distance relationships but fall completely in love with someone over the internet? How can someone hate mediocrity and time loss when all he does is stay in bed all day? How can a boy wants to be a girl?
I really don’t have an answet for any of them, as hard as i try to analize things and make decisions based on critical thought my heart is a dreamers one, it overcomes any critical thinking and throws me into the worst possible emotional rollercoasters.

This maybe looks like a really emotionally drenched entry but i’ve been thinking about this for a really long time, i trully think there are at least 4 other diferent types of Famikys inside my head and each and everyone thinks and act diferently but not independantly, like my head is partitioned in four but they are all me and only me, it’s weird to explain and i’m trying to put that into a comic story i’ve been working on so you may excuse the lack of explanation here, maybe i’ll talk about it in some other post, or maybe it is just another stupid thought…

Also today i participated in a podcast, that was a thing.

Random Thought Of The Day

“I love myself conceptually but hate myself in execution”

About Deep Thoughts · About Love · Drawing

Diary of Becoming a Princess – April 24 2019 – About Some Yaoi Art.

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Today i talked to my psycologist, nothing really came out of our conversation we just recaped some of our other conversations while trying to remember what we concluded in them, so as it’s becoming usual today there’s nothing really that interesting to talk about.

Just 3 minutes earlier before starting writing this i was watching anime with my IRL friends, it’s kinda weird because they are really not that into anime (well one of those is but he’s just your run of the mill weaboo), 5 years ago we’ve got into this weird thing where if we’re talking on discord and it becomes late and we’re really not chatting about anything in particular we just try and watch some random anime, we use two methods for choosing the anime we’re trying to watch, the first one it’s that one of us recommends anime until the three of us agree on one to watch (This is the way that i got into Precure as weirdly as it sounds) as may guess, this one is really a hard method of choosing because even if only one of us is against watching something then we don’t watch it and even if our tastes are kinda similar we often look for diferent experiences on certain nights so we don’t usually agree. The Second method, the one we mostly use ’cause it’s way more effective it’s one i which we use the random anime function on certain webpages and each one of us get to re-roll whichever anime gets chosen by the random function, if we spend all our re-rolls then we watch whatever the webpage chooses and we get no say in the matter, you know, this is kind of a really great way of watching anime with friends, it makes you find some of the hidden gems that no one’s ever takled about or it makes you watch some weird 90’s anime OVA that’s pretty bad but because you are watching it with friends your autistic inner self comes out of nowhere and everything becomes a joke, watching some weird anime like Brave Beats alone might prove a boring experience but with friends at your side it becomes this amazing anime about dancing demi-gods fighting it all out, watching this scene along two of my best friends was one of the most amazing experiences i’ve had with any piece of media ever.

The reason why i’ve brought this out it’s because we rolled the roulette today and we landed on some really cheaply made anime about some angels trying to defend earth from the fallen angels called Saint Beast, a trip to google will quickly make you realize from the artstyle that this is a Yaoi anime made for that tiny side of the fujoshi espectrum that really likes shounen anime, and while the anime was pretty alright (Kinda awfully dumb with the only atractive thing being the boys looks, pure bishounens) the reason i’m talking about this is because recently i’ve been reading a ton of Fujoshi media, mostly manga of course, and i should say that… i’ve been enjoying it a ton! It might sound like im trying to hide something here but believe me that the reason i’ve been reading so much it’s because Fujoshi media it’s full of incredible artists! Like, you wouldn’t believe the amount of amazing Yaoi artist out there, their way of drawing human anathomy is usually really stylized featuring really weird hand/arms/head/legs proportions and the most clean lineart out there in modern manga! Plus, as it’s drawn mostly by girls that fantazise about really handsome classy boys you often see really amazing ways of expressing emotion or drawing backgrounds or just simply going outright mental with the layouts, you don’t often see this type of thing in Yuri manga, they usually feature the same old boring artstyle, it’s fairly boring compared to the baroque/flower obsession of Yaoi manga artists, my favourite one being Nakamura Asumiko-sensei, her artstyle it’s simly amazing, the lesson here it’s that i think people should be more open with the types of media they consume, yeah maybe you don’t find the idea of Boy x Boy as engrossing as other things but you should try to read some anyways, you might find something that you couldn’t find anywhere else.

The only catch it’s that more often than not Fujoshi media tends to be REALLY LEWD, there’s almost no piece that doesn’t feature sex, and i really don’t like the modern obsession with sexually charged content that’s appearing all over otaku (And not otaku) media, while sexuality it’s important to me (as the guy that wants to become a girl that’s kinda obvious) i don’t think the solution for sexually repressed feelings it’s searching for cheap trills on media, as a guy that stopped looking at lewd media 4 years ago and it’s living perfetly fine i can say that its perfectly doable, the main point of sexuality resides on it’s reciprocity and that reciprocity it’s what makes it so cute and natural, and that’s also what makes the pursuit of sexuality of lewd media so impure and cheap.

I will talk about my ideas of purity and things on some other entry but if you kinda want to know what the hell am i talking about then tough luck! Not even i know what i usually talk about!

Just look at those pefect lines, black/white balance and proportions
I love it

Random Thought Of The Day

“Control was lost when my brain started fighting me”

About Deep Thoughts

Diary of Becoming a Princess – April 17 2019 – Undeserved Forgiveness.

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Today i’ve been preparing for some family trip that we’re going to make giving the religious break that we’re in, so i started reminiscing about our old family trips that we used to make while i was a child, back then when i didn’t had a sister and my parents where young and full of energy we used to travel to a ton of places, we never traveled out of the country but man if i don’t know this country like the palm of my hand, we hitted every single tourist and not tourist places in here and because we didn’t really had any money back then we did then all by car so we where this weird united family that traveled all arround the country on this red 90’s chevrolet every single holiday there was, not only that but my Mother’s family it’s also pretty big (She’s got 6 brothers and sisters and they are all married and have children) so in winter holidays we also used to travel with them on convoy to some rented villa near the mountains and spended time together in true christmas fashion, i have some pretty good memories of playing with my cousins in some pool or some campfire ghost stories one of my uncle used to told us or that one time that we played the most lively Mario Party 5 game i’ve ever experienced, those where some amazing memories. But, as time passed those trips stoped, mostly because i became an angsty teenager that hated everything but also because my sister was born, i still think it’s all my fault, i’ve cause way to many troubles for my family because i wanted to be alone and those types of trips where became the most boring thing to me, the last trip i remember we did i spended it all sleeping on some hammock, i didn’t really talked to anyone and i just showed up for christmas dinner and when we finished i inmediately went back lay down, you know, for the longest time now i’ve hated my older self so much that i can’t even forgive myself for the things i did, i’ve caused so many troubles to my family, friends, teachers, cousins, everyone, there was even a point in which even all of my childhood friends started hating me and avoiding me so i became this loner guy that tried to put on this “i hate you all” aura so i could pretend i didn’t care at all, in reality i was really confused about everything.

In one of my sessions with my psycologist she asked me to bring some old childhood photos in which my mother and i where on, so i brought up 2 of them, one in which i was cosplaying as Kenshin for some halloween party and another one i which my mother was buying some weird shaved ice treat for me while i was goofin arround her, so my psicologist asked me to descrive to her what i was seeing in those photos and the thing i saw wasn’t my mother or me, i saw my father, he obviously wasn’t in the photo but as we where a 3 person family the only one that could have taken those photos was him, and they where not some prepared photos in which we where all posing for the camera with fake smiles on our faces but they where spontaneous photos taken in the midst of the moment meaning that the one person i thought didn’t care for me that much actually cared so much for mother and me he didn’t even thought about him not appearing in the photo, take in mind that those photos where taken in the 90s meaning we didn’t had digital cameras which means that just taking the photo wasn’t enough, even if he was as busy as my mother he took the actual time to go to some photo studio and waited for some time for the photos to be revealed… man, that made me tear up.

When i write about friends and family i tend to write them in the most amazing way i can because they are so amazing that someone like me don’t deserve to have them in my life, they have cared about me all the time and i payed them in the most horribly disrespectful manner, they have forgived me even though i was such a horrible person, even if i constantly shell myself from human interaction, even if i’m still stuck in home leeching of of them, they have forgived me and they’re constaly giving me support, they are trully the best.

I’m so sorry i’ve been like this

So, due to the family trip i don’t think i’ll be able to write on this diary for the next 2 to 3 days so you’ll forgive me (As if anyone reads this).

Random Thought of the Day

“I just really like possessed looking boys!”

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Diary of Becoming a Princess – April 16 2019 – Even If It Just Runs Out.

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Day 2 of torture ended with me not knowing what to write here, after a day of doing mundane things like cleaning my room, washing the dishes, go out to rent some dvd’s for my sister and walking the dog i just had nothing, literally, it made me think about all that time that i felt it went into the drain, it’s obvious that time it’s such a relative thing but it may not hit you until you put it into your perspective, try to remember that one time you hanged out with your first crush, that time you went to that awesome concert or just that special moment that you lived with your best friend, chances are, it was a long time ago.

The phrase “You’ve grown so much!” it’s one that i took for granted, like, obviously i’ve grown but it wasn’t until one of my little cousins that i’ve always remembered as that little guy i spended a whole afternoon playing with was driving me out to his house on his mom’s car that i finally felt it, man, he’s grown so much, i don’t know how to really descrive it but i feels like everyone’s moving out without me, somedays i check up on facebook because i want to talk to some friend that refuses to use twitter and im suddenly greeted with a photo of one of my old classmates wedding, “What, isn’t he like too young to be marrying someone” and then i remember that it’s been 6 years since he graduated, it’s the same thing over and over again, pregnant people, graduated out of college people, even people that have died while i’m here, not really that different from what i was, being stuck in time.

Yesterday (actually it was 2 AM of today) i was talking to some people over in my Twitch’s Discord server, i often pop up in the voice chat and ask the people in the server if they want to talk with me for a while, i talked to some people i haven’t even heard their voices in 6 months or so, one of them was the girl that drew me yersterday’s drawing, i haven’t talked to her in such a long time but her voice and attitude was the same as i remembered and then she asked me if i could give her an invite so her boyfriend may join the conversation, her boyfriend joined and that’s when it hitted me, she is now 18, when she first joined my twitch chat she was just 16 and was getting over a break up but now she was there, happy as can be, 2 years older and 2 years wiser, dude, i felt like if some weird organization froze my body up and replaced me with a clone for the past 2 years and a week ago they released me, the same about some other friend that was in the conversation, a guy i’ve known for 2 years and a half and while talking yesterday he told me about how he dropped out of college but began an english course and now he’s teaching english in some schools, i could talk about many more people that had showed me the passage of time in such a weird way but i wouldn’t be making the point any clearer, MAN, where has my time gone to?

While i was deep in thought about these thing i came to the realization that from the perspective of someone that hasn’t talked to me in 2 years maybe i was a whole different person, i’m now learning japanese and i’m a patissier student, my appereance has change a lot and even my mannerisms and the way i express myself now has taken a 180 turn from what i was not only 2 years ago but all of my life until now, it made me begin to appreciate if just a tiny bit the things i’ve done to change over these past years, even if i feel like my time is running out, at least i’m trying to spend it the best way i can. But maybe that’s just a stupid thing that everyone knows except me.

So, how much have you changed

over these past years?

Random Thought Of The Day

“The more things i want to stay the same, the more i want them to change”