About Deep Thoughts

Diary of Becoming a Princess – April 16 2019 – Even If It Just Runs Out.

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Day 2 of torture ended with me not knowing what to write here, after a day of doing mundane things like cleaning my room, washing the dishes, go out to rent some dvd’s for my sister and walking the dog i just had nothing, literally, it made me think about all that time that i felt it went into the drain, it’s obvious that time it’s such a relative thing but it may not hit you until you put it into your perspective, try to remember that one time you hanged out with your first crush, that time you went to that awesome concert or just that special moment that you lived with your best friend, chances are, it was a long time ago.

The phrase “You’ve grown so much!” it’s one that i took for granted, like, obviously i’ve grown but it wasn’t until one of my little cousins that i’ve always remembered as that little guy i spended a whole afternoon playing with was driving me out to his house on his mom’s car that i finally felt it, man, he’s grown so much, i don’t know how to really descrive it but i feels like everyone’s moving out without me, somedays i check up on facebook because i want to talk to some friend that refuses to use twitter and im suddenly greeted with a photo of one of my old classmates wedding, “What, isn’t he like too young to be marrying someone” and then i remember that it’s been 6 years since he graduated, it’s the same thing over and over again, pregnant people, graduated out of college people, even people that have died while i’m here, not really that different from what i was, being stuck in time.

Yesterday (actually it was 2 AM of today) i was talking to some people over in my Twitch’s Discord server, i often pop up in the voice chat and ask the people in the server if they want to talk with me for a while, i talked to some people i haven’t even heard their voices in 6 months or so, one of them was the girl that drew me yersterday’s drawing, i haven’t talked to her in such a long time but her voice and attitude was the same as i remembered and then she asked me if i could give her an invite so her boyfriend may join the conversation, her boyfriend joined and that’s when it hitted me, she is now 18, when she first joined my twitch chat she was just 16 and was getting over a break up but now she was there, happy as can be, 2 years older and 2 years wiser, dude, i felt like if some weird organization froze my body up and replaced me with a clone for the past 2 years and a week ago they released me, the same about some other friend that was in the conversation, a guy i’ve known for 2 years and a half and while talking yesterday he told me about how he dropped out of college but began an english course and now he’s teaching english in some schools, i could talk about many more people that had showed me the passage of time in such a weird way but i wouldn’t be making the point any clearer, MAN, where has my time gone to?

While i was deep in thought about these thing i came to the realization that from the perspective of someone that hasn’t talked to me in 2 years maybe i was a whole different person, i’m now learning japanese and i’m a patissier student, my appereance has change a lot and even my mannerisms and the way i express myself now has taken a 180 turn from what i was not only 2 years ago but all of my life until now, it made me begin to appreciate if just a tiny bit the things i’ve done to change over these past years, even if i feel like my time is running out, at least i’m trying to spend it the best way i can. But maybe that’s just a stupid thing that everyone knows except me.

So, how much have you changed

over these past years?

Random Thought Of The Day

“The more things i want to stay the same, the more i want them to change”

About Being Girly · Drawing

Diary of Becoming a Princess – April 15 2019 – Things I’ve Always Wanted To Do

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We’re officially now on Holy Week which means i’m off everything i do, if you’ve read yesterday’s diary entry then you should know most of my day it’s been me losing my mind trying to fill all the free time i have with whatever comes to my head and while trying to not feel like a leech (and triggered by some stupid thought i won’t talk about) i became really depressed, im fine now, it was just one of my sudden mood swings.

Even though it’s called “Diary of Becoming a Princess” latetly it’s been more depressing that it should be so today i’m putting depression aside to talk about cute things instead, so let’s talk about “Cute Things I’ve Always Wanted To Do”, the first one that comes to mind it’s the most controversial one (At least here in my country), i’ve always wanted to wear a skirt, be it a long one or a decent size one, i think skirts are one of the most cute looking pieces of clothing because they look really feminine without being too audacious, even if they are now kind of the sing for feminine traits i think their main appeal it’s based on subtlety, they are the perfect combination of Girly & Reserved. Leaving pretentiousness aside, i’ve always wanted to wear a frilly skirt so i feel like the most fluffy thing in existance, or wear a long flowered pattern skirt that makes me look like i’m the most dangerous but compassionate girl, or maybe pretty normal sized gray skirt with a black top and some golden earings that makes me look like a super model, or maybe a ginham pattern one… sorry, i could do this all day, if you are interested in what kind of clothes i like i recommend you to look at this, it’s my favorite artist’s (Sakai Kate) brand “And Curtain Call”, it’s as FamikyCore as it gets.

Remember the awfuly awkward thing i wrote? Yeah, having a tea party it’s also one of the things i’ve always wanted to do, and i mean a tea party that involves me and another person, not just me. 4:30 to 5:30 it’s my tea time, i brew some pre-packaged tea (I should get into growing my own plus making weird infusions), i cook some biscuits, usually cookies and the i just sit there enjoying the moody sunset light coming from the window, thing is, it’s pretty lonely to do it by myself and i don’t have a cute tea table or a cute tea set that i could use so it ends up being pretty sad sight, i would buy some cute things to help the mood but i don’t have any money to speak of and asking for it would be awfuly awkward and weird so, at least i have this REALLY CUTE PORTABLE CHRISTMAS STAR LIGHTS, i love them, they are my greatest treasure.

On that note, buying plushies and the like it’s been always hard for me because i’m too afraid of telling my family and friends about that thing, but i’ve always wanted to have plushies and sanrio merchandise all over my room, i’ve also wanted to have some cute celphone cases or matching keychain on it with a lover or something like that, cliched cliched i know but i love girly things like that, it just makes my heart flutter and feel at ease, i’ve always dreamed of having this aethetic of a cute girl on top a light gray & pink sheeted bed with a couple of bunny plushies, looking anxious at her flip phone anxiouly wondering how to respond to some message that came fifteen minutes ago, the cute anxiety of a girl in love.

Im gonna end the entry here because i want to hold on to some of these ideas for a later post so im sorry if you wanted to read more about them (As if anyone cared), so see you next time!

Also i forgot to post this yesterday, a friend (my stream viewers are more friends than fans to me) drew this for me when i told her about me changing my nickname to Famiky:

So cute //w//

Random Thought Of The Day

“Why is it so hard to be direct about these things?”

About Deep Thoughts

Diary of Becoming a Princess – April 14 2019 – Free Time For Busy People

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Guess what, today is also one of my free days (Sunday, almost everyone has sunday off) as you can see i get a ton of free time on my schedule, i hate it, having free time is what most people seek, being of duty, spending time on your hobbies or with your loved ones or simply doing absolutely nothing, in theory it should be awesome having a ton of free time but let me tell you it’s rather a curse than a blessing, having free time means you are not productive and not being productive erodes your mental health significantly because you start feeling like you don’t matter to the world.

After i dropped out of college i became a NEET for about 3 years (Even now i think i am because the only thing i do is to leech off my parents…) so im gonna try and explain the horrible curse of having free time, the first thing that you may notice once your life it’s full of free time it’s that you become a lonely person, while everyone works/studies/produces you are there, alone, sitting on some empty room with only yourself as a companion, so you seek hobbies and start working on them but guess what, that just takes maybe 4 hours off a day so the rest of the day you spend it talking to yourself, over analyzing your entire life and then some, you seek comfort in music but that makes you feel guilty about being just there listening to music so you turn over to the internet to kill time but that makes you feel worse ’cause “Damn i’ve become one of those useless guys that appear in anime” so you desperately search for someone to hang out with but everyone’s on a tight schedule so you end up going outside alone but that just incentivizes you talking to yourself and then it becomes something you cannot stop doing and then out of nowhere you forget how to talk to people so you become socially awkward and that means that you may have just bought more of that “Free Time” you’ve been seeking, admist all that desperation you look at your celphone to look how much time you’ve killed since you started… it’s been 3 months.

Sorry if that sounded a litle bit creepy but that’s basically what happened to me, plus the gender thing, i’m actually really lucky that i have so much people that care for me and love me because i’d commited suicide a long while ago if it wasn’t for their constant support and encouragement, living that made me sensible to how many people suffer for some things you wouldn’t find hard to fight against, i fought (Currently fighting) against having too much free time, most people would laugh if you said that to them but suffering is relative, i’ve encountered people that have suffered to death because “They are not tall enough” or “It’s impossible for me to even get on a bus”. People are more fragile than one may think and it takes a ton of effort to make some people understand that, they just categorize them as lazy or weak or many more bad adjectives. It may sound a little hypocritical but even if i’m a broken mess i want to help people like me one way or the other, one thing i’ve done about it it’s to write about these types of feelings, you may find these themes in the music lyrics i write, any of my youtube videos, this diary, my drawings and my Twitch streams in which i constantly talk about depression and depressed people constantly show up in the chat (I’m like a magnet for depression, im sorry).

What i want it’s not just to express my depression and anxieties, what i really want is to people to know that they are not alone in whatever fight they are going through, that may not actually help you win against what’s killing you but you can rest assured that at least i understand how you feel.

Random Thought of The Day

“My best friend doesn’t take me out to buy some clothes”

Also, it’s been a week since i started this diary, man… i didn’t even think this would last for three days straight!

About Being Girly

Diary of Becoming a Princess – April 13 2019 – Sweets and Future.

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This morning when i woke up i tried to read what i wrote on yesterday’s diary entry and man, it’s so horribly written that it hurts, badly spaced, full of typos and grammar errors, it is a dissaster, but its also kinda… cute in a way, i mean, picture me with my red face dying while i try to type the thing i dont know, i think is super cute but probably because i’m a guy it’s way more creepy to other people that it is cute to me, that’s kinda depressing because i’m really conscious about the possibility of everything girly-poish i do may look creepy to other people, that includes my baking.

I’m currently a patissier student, i do sweets and the like, but you know, a year ago i wouldn’t even begin to imagine that i would start to study something like that that’s because the story about how i began baking it’s actually a pretty stupid one i think, i’ve always hated cooking mostly because i REALLY suck at it mostly because cooking normal food it’s mostly a free form thing than anything, so when i try to cook up something to eat i end up messing up a lot and everything ends up as plain tasting as it can be, so last year when summer vacation rolled up i was getting pretty impatient because i felt like i was being a leech to my family without contribuing anything again so backed up by me recently watching “Yumeiro Patissiere” i tried talking to mother about maybe taking a summer course on baking, she backed me up as usual (Cause she’s the best and i love her a ton <3) she talked to one old family friend that used be our cheff while on family parties about it and he recommended a school on the town we lived, so i, obviously nervous thanks to my social anxiety when i’m meeting new people, scaredly went to the school to check on the courses and such, i wasn’t really hoping for anything because i REALLY suck at getting used to new places, my anxieties somethimes rule me more that i want them to.

So this cheff guy greets me, walks me to his office (It’s a small building so i actually laughed at the reception he was giving me) and we began chatting about why i wanted to begin studying this, at first i was beating arround the bush, you know, about my condition, but then he told me something that made me think he understood that and made me enroll on the school.

You know, the cool thing about sweets it’s that

they requiere delicacy because they are the french

image of a woman, so you could say that sweets

are a present from us, to them.

Dude, i now feel as stupid as i did reading the last diary entry, apparently if you mention femininity on one way or another you could convince me to do anything… also the chief chef (the guy that told that to me) turned out to be a little misoginistic once i got to know him… figures.

So now my future doesn’t make sense at all (It never did anyways), i spend most of my days drawing but im also studying japanese but also im now a baker, too many possibilities and i suck at all of them. How cool! So now that im thinking about what i want to do in the future and the things i’m doing to reach them some things come into my mind, i’m thinking that definitely i need to draw a manga/comic one day, I JUST NEED TO, i need to convey my weirdest ideas not in words but in drawings so that they may impact someone one day as much as drawings have impacted my life but some other thought comes into my mind, it’s more like a dream but maybe i really want to manage a sweets shop on my own, i think it would be out of my league now but maybe in some distant future i may be able to do it, i think i would enjoy it at least and that’s the thing im looking for, enjoying life a bit more, and if maybe i could find a girl that likes that too and we engage and we manage the shop together THAT WOULD BE AMAZING.

Also i may want to pursue a career in music even tho i know nothing about it… man, im such a mess.

Random Thoughts Of The Day

“No, stop, adding chocolate just makes it look unedible!”
&
“Don’t be scared, if we work on it, it would definitely work out!”

About Being Girly · About Love

Diary of Becoming a Princess – April 12 2019 – Pot Pourri

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Today was a pretty uneventfull day as it is one of my free days so i really have nothing to talk about… i guess i’ll group up a few ideas/experiences together and call it a pot purri or something, talking about pot pourris i’ve never been that much into flowers, don’t get me wrong i like them a ton but man if i can’t take care of myself properly imagine me having to take care of a way more fragile organism, one day i’d like to have a garden that i can be proud of, full of colorful flowers that emit a variety of pleasing scents in which one can have a little tea party, i’m a sucker for that aesthetic, two lovers in the middle of a flower garden enjoying the scent while drinking tea on some really dreamy tea set with a few biscuits to acompany them on a never ending talk about whatever comes to mind, it sounds so cliche but man if those scenaries weren’t so lovely they wouldn’t be popular on the first place.

But one thing that i’ve always dreamed of that’s WAY more chessy that the one i just descrived, it goes like this: Imagine having a date on friday afternoon, just as the sunset has passed we go deep into a forest until we find a glade of trees in which we’ve set a pretty fully white table i where we sit to have tea and some petit fours that we made together while we enjoy a chat in what few little sunshite’s left, when the sun completely goes out we light up some white and yellow christmas lights, then we stand up, we join our hands on such a romantic and slowly way that time becomes meaningless, we look at each other’s eyes for a while, nothing is said, then, we start dacing a waltz, the christmas lights draw a circle arround us while we joyfully dance obviously really awkwardly because we’re embarassed at the sheer cheesiness of what we’re doing, i’t doesn’t help that neither of us is really a great dancer so to an outsider it may look like really weird, but to us, it’s everything, when we finally stop dancing we laugh at each other, we joke about everything, our hands still conected, we finally kiss…

¡HOLY SH*¨T! ¡Im such a cheesy guy, just writing that was horribly painful! my face’s so red right now omg… im sorry.

Breaking away from that embarassing thing i wanted to share a weird little something that happened yesterday that i didn’t bring up because so many things happened, you see, i wanted to make a trip (to basically anywhere) to challenge myself to make it out alive alone on a diferent country, so i talked to my mother about it and she was on board with the idea but the problem was we weren’t sure about where should i go so the trip was on hold until we found out about a relatively cheap place for me, yesterday my mother recieved a call from a REALLY old friend that moved to Spain fifteen years ago, that friend was someone that my mother help out of poberty while she lived here, her son was also a pretty good friend of mine and we often played together in each other’s houses, in truth, he was really like a brother to me but i don’t really remember anything clearly, just little snippets while we where together I was 5 years old at the time so it’s not that surprising i don’t remember anything , some things happened with her marriage so she divorced and the father kept the kids so she asked my mother for some money so she could travel to Spain to seek a better life, i became separated from her family and i never talked to the boy again, mother kept contact with her friend trough social media tho, 15 years later she is now married to some rich guy living in Toledo and voluntered to take me in for my weird trip without charging us anything in gratitude for the emotional/monetary support my mother gave her, so im going to Toledo, Spain, in probably two months or so… man, we never trully know the outcome of our actions and their repercussions on others…

Random Thought Of The Day

“THIS FACE OF MINE IS BURNING RED”

About Friends · About Love

Diary of Becoming a Princess – April 11 2019 – UDON FRENZY.

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So today was suposed to be a pretty bad day, i had a ton of japanese homework (memorizing kanji) and i was supossed to go out with this girl on my class that’s harrasing me really hard even tho she has a boyfriend to this flower/sweets shop that i talked about the other day, BUT GUESS WHAT, her boyfriend came to pick her up after class, BLESS YOU GUY I DON’T KNOW, also, YOU SHOULD LOOK INTO YOUR GIRLFRIEND A LITTLE BIT MAN, like dude, if you are in a relationship you shouldn’t me grabbing my hand or hugging me out of the blue or trying to GRAB MY ARM WHEN WE’RE WALKING SIDE BY SIDE, seriouly man, THE ONLY REASON I’M TALKING TO YOU IS BECAUSE YOU SHOWED ME THAT CUTE FLOWER/SWEETS SHOP ON INSTAGRAM AND I AM TOO INEPT TO MAKE IT THERE ALONE, UHG, people that don’t treasure their relationships make me so mad, even if she’s not really into me and she is just using me to make it seem like she’s with her boyfriend she should respect her relationship a little bit more, anyways, i was left without things to do so i was planning to return home when suddenly one of my besties sent me a message about an Udon restaurant that was hosting an “All You Can Eat” event, i was not really in the mood for an “All You Can Eat” since i’m actually on a diet trying to make my body seem a little bit more petit but i agreed anyways because i haven’t seen my bestie in a long time.

So when i met up with him turns out that he was with some other 2 guys, a really plain looking guy and a dude that seemed japanese, i’m a pretty awkward guy when it comes to talking with new people so i was mainly silent at first but at some point when we arrived at the shop the japanese guy actually speaked japanese and the other plain guy tried to answer him very awkardly in japanese too, i knew my friend knew how to speak japanese (He’s actually better at kanji than me but since he is actually really shy he doesn’t speak it that well) so i immediately said “e… minna nihongo ga dekiru ja naika” (Eh…so we can all talk japanese right?) and we all laughed at the realization that the japanese guy was trying his hardest at speaking in spanish while we could have been talking in japanese this whole time.

His name was Fumi, yeah, he just said Fumi but later when he showed me his ID i found out his name was actually Naofumi (That’s so cute!), we talked about why he was in my country and things like that while we ordered food and at first i was pretty careful and respectful with what i said until he started complementing me about my japanese in a really casual way, and then he started complaining about being hungry also in a very cassual way at which point i dropped my snobishness and started talking in a very casual way too, which for me it’s WAY more easy than trying to sound propper.

The best thing about it is that i felt i could talk like i’ve always tried to talk, like a really girlish guy (thanks japanese for being such a word centric language) I BOY DID IT FELT RIGHT, IT FELT AMAZING, it was amazing being able to express myself the way i wanted, not only with body language but also with my words and their meanings. Funny thing because the only straight guys in that group where me and Fumi-san, i wonder if he thought i was gay by the way i talked and expressed myself… well, whatever, he didn’t seem to mind it so whatevs, i was expecting a really awful day but it turned out to be amazing, now i just wish my love life wasn’t so bad and a girl that i actually really like would take notice of me.

Random Thoughts Of The Day

“Nihongo meccha umai desho!”
&
“I really wished it was that other girl…”

About Being Girly

Diary of Becoming a Princess – April 10 2019 – Looking Masculine and What I Mean by Princess

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Today i payed a visit to my psicologist, she was my sister’s but somehow i endend up trading places with her, she is also the 6th psicologist/psychiatrist i’ve worked with so i think i’m now officialy a lunatic or something hahahahaha, i don’t really have anything to share about today’s session, it was about preparing me into returning to college but i don’t think that’s possible at the moment due to the amount of fears i have about it but what i really wanted to share about this is this one time she asked me to ask my family and friends about how they saw me as a person, they where mostly flattering with some very little nitpicks (i don’t get why people are so blind to the awful human being i am… or are they just being nice to me?)

Anyways, one thing that made me a little depressed was the talk about my looks, most of them descrived me as a manly guy, and i mean, they are technically not wrong, i have a bone structure that definetly screams “MAN” wide shoulders, big chest, hair in every single limb and face… my mind and body definetely don’t get each other very well, the thing is i rarelly act like a straight man, i often sit with my legs closed and tilted, constantly express myself by hands and face gestures, i try to take physical contact to a minimal, i openlly talk about cute things in public, my celphone’s background it’s an illust of My Melody that i often change to a Hello Kitty one, my ringtone is this loop of Coltemönikha‘s Sleeping Girl and so many other things that you probably wouldn’t consider manly, the only things i do that may be consider as mildy manly are that i pretty much dress as generic dude (BECAUSE I HAVE TO) and that my voice is understandably deep, i’m working on that tho now i try to keep my voice as soft as possible and im looking for a way to make it higher pitched without sounding like a complete joke.

So i don’t really understand why are people saying i’m manly ¿At least i am a little afeminate, right? ¿Am i really making that bad of a job? ¿Or is it impossible to make me look at least a tiny bit like a girl? man, uhg. The worst part about that particular session is that my psicologist practically destroyed me by saying that “That is definitely it, you are really manly!” and that “Men these days aren’t as manly so it’s definitely a great thing that i am that kind of man!” at that point i was dead inside so i didn’t really tried to argue.

Someone please help me become more girly

This is the reason i decided that i should become a princess. Princesses are pretty much the image i want to convey, a strong willed but kind and loving girl that isn’t afraid of getting a little to hard on things when the situation calls for it, pretty much the best traits of our conception of Man and Woman.

Random thought of the day

“Obviously muscles and attractiveness weren’t the real problem”

About Being Girly · About Deep Thoughts · Drawing

Diary of Becoming a Princess – April 9 2019 – Of Failure and My Favorite Colour

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Today was my “Free of everything” day, meaning i literally do nothing all day, it’s not like im off my hobbies or talking to friends or anything but recently my mind it’s on such a disarray that concentrating on things it’s really hard and if i try to draw or write an eassy or write the lyrics to a song most likely i’m gonna get really frustrated after spending over 3 hours trying to Draw/Write something even worth that amount of time and failing completely, so you’ll excuse me if today’s entry it’s a little on the short side, It’s not like these entries are really that long but… you know.

I have a pretty bad relationship with failure, i can’t stand it even though my life its constant failing, people say that failure is what brings you up, failing is the stairs on which you climb to greatness but man, i have a bad time believing this, i think failure is just that, failure, you did wrong, you couldn’t achieve you objective, your abilities weren’t enough to complete a task, you don’t grow from failures, yeah they teach you the things you are bad at but that doesn’t mean you instantly become better because of that, what makes failures seem like a good thing is that in failing you are able to grasp the things you should work on and working on them and succeding on working on them is what achieves greatness, in other words, continued sucess is what makes you succesful.

I hate mediocrity, i’ve been a mediocre guy all of my life , never exceling in anything i do and that is what makes me such a depresive person, imagine hating humans while you are yourself a human, that is me, i hate mediocrity because i’m mediocre, and honestly i think that’s a good thing to have at least in small increments, it makes you challange yourself but having it for so long becomes a curse, you become your own unmovable judge that scrutinizes every single step you take on a process. Can you imagine hating every single thing you do? Well let me tell you, it’s not a fun ride.

While i don’t really like myself in execution, i love myself in concept, i really like what i like and what my ideas are and the philosophies that rule my head, one of those is my favorite colour and what it represents, my favorite colour is Light Gray/Silver.

It may seem like im cheating because i chose two colours but believe me they have more connections that they appereance may convey, Silver is the colour of class, while gold it’s often asociated with high class and royalty i think it’s often asociated with greed and tyranny too but silver is an untainted colour, silver means being propper and being a vanguarde, silver means having composure and strictness, that’s why it’s often used for electronics, accesories and it’s even used in fiction to repel “evil” and “bad things”, not to mention, silver reflects light really well and it kinda makes you shine.

On the other hand, light gray it’s softer, it does not convery the power that silver does even though they are pretty much the same colour and that’s the reason i like it so much, to me light gray means softness, infinite possibility and calmness, that’s why you find the colour on clothes and furniture, light gray has this distinct aura about it that makes everything softer without taking away the class and posture of silver. They are, at least for me, the perfect おしゃれ colours.

Waiting…

Random thought of the day

“Nope Lennon, i won’t be your Yoko Ono.”

About Deep Thoughts · About Friends

Diary of Becoming a Princess – April 8 2019 – Friend’s Message and Modern Age Loneliness

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Today i was going to write about a lot of things, some friend’s message that moved my heart, my japanese studies, a girl who’s kinda harrasing me at japanese school and the sweets/flower shop that she was going to show me… but… She didn’t show up to japanese class and it was pretty boring anyways because we just focused on learning a ton of kanji so yeah, my plans for today’s diary entry where basically ruined, at least i can still talk about the message and use that as an oportunity to talk about modern age loneliness.

So it was 4:30 AM and i was getting ready to go to sleep (Yeah, my schedule when i’m depressed it’s kinda horrible) when suddenly one of my besties sent me a really nice message, you see, the country i live in it’s a pretty weird one, like we are just a third world country but we get a ton of things that makes us look like a fancier country or at least i seems to me like it, maybe because i come from a pretty small town, anyways, the thing i’m talking about it’s a pretty big music festival called “Estereo Picnic” where a ton of bands, both national and international play for 3 days, the festival usually gets really big invites like The Killers, Red Hot Chilli Peppers and Gorillaz but they don’t usually invite bands i’m really into so i never go there, also a ton of really bad latin music groups that i really don’t want to spend a whole afternoon listening to.

But this time they invited 2 bands that hold some significance to me, Arctic Monkeys and Margarita Siempre Viva (also they invited Kendrick Lamar, he’s cool too) so i really wanted to go but im kind of a NEET so asking my parents for money it’s really hard for me, also is really far from my home town and i would had to travel alone, i wasn’t sure if i’d be able to handle beeing all alone on a weekend in some place i know nothing about so i gived up on the concert, turns out my bestie DID BOUGHT tickets to the concert but HE DID NOT TOLD ME ABOUT IT because idk he hates me or something, so the message he sent me was a video of Arctic Monkeys playing Teddy Picker at the concert, Teddy Picker not only is my favourite song by them but also it was the first song i recommended to my friend way back when we were just getting to know each other, the message went like this:

I recorded this for you, because i
really wished you where here with
me enyoing this song, which for
me, is our song. It was the first
song you showed me and i owe
you a lot… not only musically ❤
I love you

Yeah, he wrote it in English.

Man, i felt like crying, while in the middle of a social recess he goes and sends me that, just when im starting to feel like im worth nothing to everyone, just when im starting to feel like absolutely nobody cares about me, he just goes and sends me that, ahg… i need to value my friends a ton more, they deserve way more love that i’ve been able to provide them in the time we’ve known each other.

I’ve heard people say that current technology makes us grow way more distant than we should because we’re more dependant on trying to appeal to everyone by means of our outer selves, meaning that our inner selves get pushed to the sides so we never end up making deep bonds with our mutuals, i really don’t think so, people can get over that “appereances” phase of social media really quickly when they put their minds into making deeper relationships, what i think is that social media has worsen our relationship with loneliness, you see, we live in an era in which messages can be sent and recived in a matter of seconds and with such an ease that we can do it like it’s second nature, i think that’s amazing but it also gives way for the following line of thought:

If talking to people has become such an easy thing to do, why does no one talks to me?

Am i not even worth a second?

Loneliness powers up when interaction it’s at hands reach but it never happens, i know it sounds like a really whinny thing to say but i swear it’s an inevitable feeling, even if the solution it’s just to start conversations with others there are times when we want someone to take interest in us.

Random thought of the day:

“Maybe adding soy sauce to this tortilla wasn’t the best idea…”

About Being Girly · Drawing

Diary of Becoming a Princess – April 7, 2019 – Shopping at Bershka

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While going home after a shopping mall trip with my family during a social recess, headphones on, listening to Coltemönikha and Marino (Basically just Coltemönikha) only two thoughts where cycling my head “I want to be a Girl” and “I want someone to understand me“, they repeated themselves like the natural night scenery of a road in the middle of the night.

After giving it a little more thought i finally decided, I’m going to write a diary about my very slow and painful process of becoming a princess, writing it not for anyone but for myself because at this point of my life only I can make sense of myself, the funny thing being that most of the time i can’t, anyways, what I’m going to write its basically my daily life while trying to become a better/cuter/proper/ version of myself, a chronicle of my journey.

Today i went on a shopping mall trip with my family, the which in you go to a mall just to pass time, look at shops but not actually buy anything, have lunch and just talk about things in family, but that was just a cover up, my mother and sister really wanted to buy clothes at Bershka but they knew that my father, a really stingy guy, wouldn’t just drive them out to buy clothes so they tricked him into a family trip.

Nah, actually they just wanted some family time with the added bonus of clothes shopping but I still think its way more interesting to paint them as the bad guys, anyways, we hopped on the car and went to the biggest mall near us that is actually really far from us, like, it’s an hour and a half drive away on a city near the town that we live in, the mall itself it’s pretty big and has lots of shops but is really not that special, there’s nothing that really stands out apart from the big crowds of people that congregate there so I think going to that mall was part of my sister’s & mom’s evil plan to make us spend more time together as family, even though most of it was on a car ride.

So we arrived, had lunch and immediately they went to Bershka to look at clothes, I’m not really well versed at my country’s fashion so tried to distract myself by talking with my father outside the shop but eventually the allure of woman’s clothing made me go inside to pretend to help my sister carry clothes but really I was just looking at them, eventually I felt a weird unease but not the usual unease that comes around by being a guy in a woman’s shop looking at woman’s clothing, it was more like few of the things I was looking at weren’t really grabbing my attention, I’m used to spend around 3 hours of my life looking at clothes on the internet so I was actually surprised at my negative reaction, I took a look around me and saw a ton of girls looking at everything the shop had to offer with really smug smiles on their faces, I thought about why I wasn’t enjoying the things I was looking but they were, I decided that it was just a matter of preference, it obviously was but I couldn’t really point out what was THAT preference, that’s when I noticed a pretty cute young girl looking at the clothes, the girl was dressing a pink shirt under a grey sweater into some skinny dark blue jeans so I stared at her outfit for a while thinking “Man, that is really cute”, that’s when it hitted me, turns out I like clothes that make femininity SUBTLE while most of the clothes in the shop where clothes that ACCENTED femininity, then it came back to me the reason I didn’t want to come inside the shop, I’m SUPER not into my country’s fashion.

I gave it a long thought and finally arrived at a conclusion, turns out that the clothes I like are the ones that make use of subtlety, I like cute things instead of sexy ones so it’s obvious that I would like clothing that has traditional conservative values but then I thought, is it because I’m a man? Like, is it because the woman I want to be it’s actually the woman I would want to be with?

Nope, I’m not like that, the thing goes like this, I love clothes that make use of subtlety because I love the allure of something that looks soft but it’s actually a hard shell for the things that are actually inside, fluffy soft frilly clothing it’s actually a mirror for my desires to be a girl, a desire to be a cute fluffy soft frilly girl hidden by the fact that I look manly, in essence, subtle clothes to hide my femininity.

(I would be really surprised if someone actually understands what I’m trying to say here)

By now you may have noticed that English is not my native language so I’m sorry if sometimes I make absolutely no sense and make grammar errors, sorry, but while I was coming back home, during a social recess, headphones on, listening to Coltemönikha and Marino, I decided that this diary HAD to be in English, you see, I think that my native language (Spanish) due to its complexity tends to dress the meaning of things in words that mean a ton of things at once but fail to convey the actual meaning, it is the perfect language for insecure people like me, English on the other hand it’s so simple that I have no way of hiding my feelings behind snobbish words, I want to become a girl by writing this diary, even if I come out as a masculine girl I want to try and convey the femininity that’s inside me, no dressing it.

Fin.

An ugly doodle

Random thought of the day:

“I want to adopt a cat and name it Parfait!”