Hey there, it’s me again. Sorry for the intermittence, i think i’ll start writing again… sorry if the things i’ll write from now on will read way weirder than the past entries.

So i’ve been feeling awful lately (I guess i don’t need to tell this to anyone ’cause i’m almost always feeling like that) but anyways, you know? I think the fact that i always say i’m feeling bad has made people take my depression lightly, have you ever tried to repeat the same word multiple times? at some point it loses all of its meaning and you end up saying giberish, so i think this happens when i tell people about my feelings.

Weird thing is, it has yet to lose meaning on me, i suposse it’s because i don’t simply hear myself saying “I want to die” but i feel that i want to die so the meaning has another vessel for it to prompt up a response. but idk, i think i just want someone to comfort me as i’m tired of comforting myself.

What a weird way to start today’s entry, but that’s half of the thought that has been invading me these past 2 weeks, the other half is my absolute fear of failure, i’ve talked about failure before and that i think failure it’s just failure and you get abosolutely nothing but shame on yourself when you fail, you don’t grow on repeated failures, you grow on repeated sucesss.

But as i am usless i just only fail at everything i do, no matter the thing i just suck at it all the time, regardless of the time investment i’ve done into it, i always suck at everything i do or at least that’s what i feel. My mother always says to me “You aren’t useless, you know a ton of things no one in our family knows about” and thay may be true but that doesn’t make me usefull, i may be knowledgeable of many things but im no an EXPERT in them and what’s the point about that? You don’t get paid ’cause you know about something, you get paid ’cause you can do the job better than others, and besides, compared to most people i’m average at best.

My pc broke 2 weeks ago and in those 2 weeks i became more active in our house’s chores, helping arround doing these things that anyone can do given the time made me think about how worthless i am, how talentless i am, how extremely replaceable i am, right now i’m just a name in my family, i’m the role of the son and brother, nothing more than that, i wonder if i’m like that for my friends too? or if im like that for my internet relationships too? i wonder what everyone thinks of me like, i wonder what i was for her?…

My aesthetic, the things i like, the things i do, the things i say, how i express myself, my voice, my looks, my aura, my mannerisms. I wonder what they mean for everyone that knows me, i wonder if they have any value at all…

Welp, as i was thinking things couldn’t get any worse my pc suddenly decides to break, yep, i was working on some 4 koma and then suddenly the guy just freezes and i hear a fan going crazy inside the chasis so i inmediately turn it off and try to turn it back on again but to my “surprise” there was no image, i thought my graphics card died but then later the motherboard wasn’t even sending energy to the keyboard (i know this ’cause my keyboard has blue leds and they weren’t turning on) so yeah, my pc died and i have no money whatsoever to fix it, wow, amazing, what a thing to happen while i’m low on the ground thinking about a love that never happened, an university that i don’t go to and a job that i don’t have.

Never underestimate how bad life can kick you when you’re down on the ground grasping for air. Ahgg man. I feel miserable. Like i mean, most of the “work” i do i do it in my computer, the streams, my drawings, translating, writing and so on, and now i can’t do any of those things, so these past two days i’ve just been in bed doing absolutely nothing.

To be real with you i don’t have any energy left in me to do anything, not to even write about anything here, i’m drained of any 元気 i had left, life is just kicking me arroung like a dog and i don’t feel like standing up anymore. So i’m gonna finish today’s entry here, ok?

Quick post to end all of the hiatus.

Yep, i’ve been depressed over a breakup these past 2 months (Holy shit it’s been that long already?). I always knew i was a 15 yld child inside a 21 yld body but man this is way overreacting for a break up, or is it? Idk i feel like my reaction is completely justified, i mean i followed Izumi (No hiding it now) for over half a year before i tried making her notice me, than half the other year was spent on trying to get to know her better, my shy tweets making their way to her while we shared secret “likes” between each other trying to hide our real intentions, i like you とか。

I’m sorry this blog it’s always about her but she’s made such a dent in my life that i can’t help it, i’m hesitant to call it love ’cause you know “it just some internet love” but man, she’s just the perfect girl for me, i love absolutely everything about her, i’ve never even payed attention the way people write things until i read her tweets/blog and the awfully cute way she writes ahgggggggggggg.

Anyways, i’ll tell you about what has hapenned these past few months over the next posts so i’m sorry if this one is just “I miss Izumi” the entry.

I just hope she’s alright, she must be suffering way worse than me.

Man, i will lie if i told you i have something to talk about in this entry, it’s summer, and i’m depressed, and that’s it, nothing else.

I’ve been spending my days mostly playing Cocoppa, drawing like a maniac ’cause im mad that my drawings suck (And i get really frustrated while i do it) and studying, just that, nothing else, well, there’s the occacional mini meetup with one of my friends but nothing that noteworthy, plus there’s my psicologist and my situation with the girl i like (She still hasn’t replied to any of the messages i sent her, nor the messega i sent her about messaging me when she’s feeling better…) now she’s back to hinting things in her japanese tweets and man it’s like going back into a past when i didn’t confessed, i told her i’ll be waiting and so i will do but sometimes i get that feeling of “She obviously doesn’t want me arround her” “Maybe she found out i wasn’t as she thought” or something like that, man, i remember the day i confessed to her and she sent me that incredibly long message detailing every single thing that she thought about me and how extremely happy i felt the entire week after that, i was dealing with so much of my things and just by simply talking to her, reading her weirdly long messages when we talked, her writing quirks, constant use of emojis and so much more… man, i just felt happy.

Recently i was feeling that “会いたい” and so i went into her blog looking for pictures of her, i had previously looked for them but i stopped ’cause i was feeling like a real creep stalker (Which i’m now that i did it…) and man she’s so cute, her dresses are so cute, that “photo shyness” of her’s is so damn cute ah… they are old photo’s tho (Like 5 or so years ago) and she says she looks bad so she hasn’t uploaded any new ones but i think she’s really cute and huggable ♡ i’m starting to sound like a total creep now jeez, i think she would enjoy taking more photos of herself if she just smile a little bit, most of her photos are she shying away from the camera, hiding herself behind it or just simply in a totally blank state of mind (Men in black flash thingy style) and i know she’s not a cold person ’cause she gets pretty intense when she’s feeling it so she just need a little push up.

Now that i think about it i’m like that too HAH, well i’m not camera shy and i don’t think i look THAT bad, i just look mildy bad, but something i’ve noticed when someone’s taking a photo of me is that i inmedeately go to “QUICK DUMB POSE” mode, and i think is ’cause i don’t like the photos in which i appear like a normal dude ’cause they make me look like a normal dude, i don’t want to be a dude, i want to be a girl, so i guess my instinct is to goof off trying to hide my masculinity by means of appearing as a weird bloob and masshup of things, if you’ve followed me for some time then you must have seen the picture a friend took of me wearing a Yukata, every single time i look at that photo i feel happy and sad at the same time, i feel happy ’cause when my friend took it i was feeling really embarassed but no because of the yukata but because i was feeling so happy about wearing it, it felt amazing just finally putting on something that was supossed to be for a woman (Even if it was only a Yukata) but then i see myself as that, a boy wearing a yukata while blushing, nothing more than that, i don’t look feminine, i don’t look good, i just looked like a creepy dude wearing weird clothes.

Random Thought Of The Day

“And my psicologist told me today i looked really bulky these days, really manly she said, uguuuuuuu”

There’s actually little to report in this diary entry, in fact that’s why i didn’t write yesterday’s, anyways today was a weird day, i tried to make a TON on things and i just ended up making just one, so let me explain.

At first i was trying to draw the Dragon Quest thingy i was talking about last time, i wanted to make a really detailed drawing of the main protagonist’s caravan while they camp out the night, roast some beef, play music and have a great time, but i got frustrated while doing it so i stoped because somehow digital drawing for me it’s WAY harder than it seems, i struggle a lot and i erase a lot and i try to make things as clean as possible to the point that they look so clean they look simple, plus i haven’t drawn digitally in a while so frustration got me in the end, so frustrated i went to youtube for some kind of relaxing entretainment, recently i’ve been following this girl by the name of Shedge3i8 on youtube (She’s the reason why is started to play Cocoppa) the kind of youtube content she makes is the kind i enjoy the most, slowburning really chilled and relaxed commentary on whatever comes to the youtubers mind (That’s what i try to do with “pensamiento en lemniscata” but my cadence in extremely fast and i can’t seem to slow it down) she uploads videos of her Cocoppa Gatcha pulls while talking about her life and things that happen to her, if you’ve followed me for a while you may recall some other youtuber by the name of Keatsta that i used to follow (I don’t do anymore ’cause he’s recently uploading just “Let’s read manga” stuff) so yeah, i seem to have a obsession with people that talk to themselves while putting it out for the world through the internet (That may be the reason why i became so interested in her…) so as i was listening to Shedge talk i noticed that she was reading korean and i was like “wut she knows korean?” i don’t know why did it surprised me but it did so i listened to her for a while i think “Man, Korean looks way easier than japanese…” aaaaaaaand in the spur of the moment my brain went full jimmy neutron brain blast and i started studying japanese/korean all day, like really i spended like 6 hours (Mostly on japanese tho) studying things, like wuuuut, i’ve never been the “Ultra student” type as i easily get things the first time someone teaches me and i just need to re-read them like once or twice and then i’m done so this type of thing happening to me it’s really freaking weird, btw i still know absolutely nothing about korean ’cause the language is similar to japanese as they have their own “alphabet” thingy that i need to lear in order to even read what i study so it’s gonna take a little while until i’m ready to study full force on but MAN, what a weird day.

After studying like crazy i thought that i needed to record another “pensamiento en lemniscata” to cover up for my Famiky news that i’ve missed while i was on social recess so i recorded it, i discussed what happened yesterday and today so this time it was pretty lenghty at 18:55 minutes, i recorded it a dawn so i just used the portable christmas lights i usually carry as my ONLY light source, obviously it didn’t turned out good so i decided to scrap it, i’ll try to record something again tomorrow but as i already talked (here) about what has happened i’ll maybe wait a little longer to have something good to show, or maybe i’ll just tell some anecdote or maybe i’ll just spitball some weirdly metaforical/introspective thingy, idk.

Random Thought Of The Day

“If my brain worked like this all the time maybe i would be a normal person…”

I’m sorry if you had to read yesterday’s thing, like, really.

Today i talked again to my parents about everything and we where able to make up, that’s the power of comunication i guess (Now if only she talked to me…) well anyways, i’m oficially on vacation so i had nothing to do, i’ve yet to ask my irl friends to hang out but i know we are going to ’cause we all are a pretty united group, and on that note, recently one of those friends told me that he wanted to play an MMORPG just like old times and i told him that i didn’t new any good ones and that if he would find one to play i would play with him, yesterday while voice chatting we remembered that we used to play TERA online and that we should prolly come back to it, so now i’m playing TERA again with my irl friends, neat, i’m playing a Berserker Elin (My username is Pekopi) and i’m hating it ’cause while i was creating the character so many things happened and i had to restart the character like 4 times, the first time i had finished up creating the character and i was deciding on a name (I take naming in RPGs really serously, i’m sorry) so i was hovering the idea of naming her Ryoku (She is a berserker so adding “Ryo” is a must) but then thought about naming her Pekopi ’cause her cheeks where huge so she gave me the impression of an always hungry little girl that punches really hard and i had to go with it but somehow the server messed up and returned the name to Ryoku, so i restarted it and made it again but this time the server messed up again and my character was completely different from what i had designed her as so i restarted again and made sure to double click everything, and so i created the character! (Later i noticed that the pigtails i putted on her messed up and now she has braided rolls instead UGH) The most infuriating part is that in the preview the game let’s you choose an armour to see how your character would look in one of them and i thought that it was the starting armor (The game said “Choose an armour” and nothing else) so i chosed a really bulky but not heavy looking armour that looked AMAZING on her, i was really happy but when i entered the game what i saw where panties, just panties, like not armour at all, just a one piece (more like just a blouse) that covers her until her waist, so when she runs i just can see everything, dammit weabos.

So while i was downloading TERA this morning i had nothing at all to do so i was pretty bored, recently i have been playing Dragon Quest XI because of the Smash reveal, plus i had never tried a Dragon Quest game in my life so i told myself well why not, i’ve been enjoying it a lot, it’s definitely not an AMAZING GAME ’cause it’s a really simple one but that simplicity makes it so charming and cozy and idk, it just touches me in a diferent way that an FF or SMT game would, but the best thing in the game BY FAR is the music, HOLY SHIT the music, the game’s original soundtrack is absoute trash ’cause they used MIDI versions of the songs so everything sounds outdated and emotionless but they later released those same songs on a CD but this time they are orchestrated and someone made a mod that allows you to replace the MIDIs with the orchestral music (The soon to release port of the game for Switch comes with the orchestral music instead of the MIDIs so even they know they fucked up hard on that one) HOLY SHIT IT SOUNDS AMAZING, like i cannot even beggin to describe how much difference it makes that i’m hearing actual instruments play those arrangements, like, take the most iconic Dragon Quest song of them all the overture, i’ve heard it before in the nintendo direct presentation of the character and it sounds good and iconic and everything, so i download the game and start playing it, some time passes and i find my first partner in the game and we both escape out of prison, royal guards chase us until we arrive at a cliff where our only hope for escape is to make a leap of fate, so both characters look at each other, knowing exactly what the other is about to do and then they jump, suddenly the screen turns black and this plays.

Man, just like that, that intro became one of my favourite game intros of all time plus now i understand the magic of the Dragon Quest Overture and so it is now one of my favourite video game songs of all time, that whole intro plus song it’s now my definition of “Adventure” (I’m sorry Zelda)

So while i was waiting for TERA to download i thought about Drawing something Dragon Quest related, i actually hate Akira Toriyama’s artstyle and i thought his character desing was awful as well but i’ve seeing some DQ fanart on twitter recently and man those are really some amazing desings, they tell you all you need to know without looking “designed” their greatest characteristic is how natural they all look, so i tried drawing keep in mind i haven’t drawn anything in forever so i struggle all day with what i want to draw, which character, which poses and so on and so on until i noticed everything i made i erased and i had nothing so i started drawing the luminary (DQ XI’s Hero) in a generic sword and shield pose, that didn’t turned out well either and i was getting frustrated so i couldn’t finish it at all, i’ll try to do something better next time but for now i leave you with this very plain very rough very half made pic of the luminary.

Random Thought Of The Day

“I don’t like orchestral music but man, when i listen to all of those instruments play such beautiful arrangements i just lose it”

Well damn, my life’s gone to shit again, yay, amazing, i love it.

Last post i sobbed like a crybaby and that was probably me just venting but this time man do i feel like absolute garbage, seriously, let me explain, during this past month i’ve been BOMBARDED with questions about a job by my parents, they ask me to get a job inmediately, to work for their bussiness, to help them sell their thing in instagram to desing them publicity and a ton of other things, every single time they get sight of me i get bombarded with “When are you going to start working for us?” “You are young so you sure can handle these instagram orders” “You’re 22 this year right? you should’ve started working a year ago” and so and so and so, i usually don’t get bothered by these kinds of things as i’m suposedly working on some rehab processes so that i may be able to go to college and don’t drop out two months later and become a sobbing mess just like last time, i think that if i’m not even able to go to college then working is more than impossible to me and they know that but still they’ve hammering that shit all month and as told you before my life’s been recently hell so i snapped and had a discussion with them and i found out that they simply can’t understand what’s happening to me at all, nothing at all, and i thought they did understood because me and several other people have told them about it but they still don’t get it, they don’t get that a guy that gets overly stressed over a test he knows he’s able to pass really easily is probably not that mentally healthy.

And i know all of this sounds overly petty on my side but as i told you last time, there’s no other person in this world that hates me as much as i hate myself, i know i’m already 22 and that i should be working and i should be finishing a carreer and that i should be able to drive and that given the treatment they’ve given me over all these years i should be successful not some fucking petty autistic 22 year old children that’s scared of everything and isn’t able to do anything by himself, i now i’m a failure and i hate it and i’m trying to be a better person and i know that effort is enough but i’m really not able to give much more, i’ve been balancing not giving up on two courses that any normal human being can easily balance on top of some other carrer or work, i know i’m trash.

So i’ve been crying all day in bed, i couldn’t help it and i returned to self mutilating again, i had no cutter at hand so i broke some piece of metal that found in my closet and i’ve been using that hoping i get and infection and i die soon, man, what happened? Everything was so fine just two week ago, i was feeling hopeful, full of energy, i was happy and now i came back to write sad things on this diary, now that i think about it this diary is just full of sad things, it is the amalgamation of things i like but i cannot be (It says it in the title), recently i’ve been hooked on Cocoppa Play, a japanese gacha centered arround cute and feminine fashion, everytime i open that app i’m filled with such joy, seeing those cute dresses and the overly fuzzy/frilly nature of the whole thing just makes my soul happy, but then i remember who i am, what i am, and suddenly all of that turns into an unreachable dream… that’s describes my whole life really.

Hey, it’s been a while hasn’t it? 13 days i think… man, i don’t even know what to say about anything, my life these past few weeks has been bonkers, ups and downs downs and more downs aand things, dressive stuff inmediately followed by happy stuf that turns out to be depressive stuff again and it goes on and on and on.

So let’s start at the most important thing, i know i said in one of my latest entries that “I don’t want to turn this blog into a koibana (love talk) blog” but MAN, i need to get this out of my system or IM GOING TO IMPLODE INTO A RAISIN, so yeah, last time i told you about how i was talking to the girl i like pretty much daily (I guess that was my mistake) and one day she just suddenly didn’t reply, she had told me the day before that she kinda had a headache so i thought that maybe she was just feeling ill and so i waited until hearing back from her, but the days started piling up and i was kinda worried so i sent her a message asking about her well being and she replied a day later telling me about how she was feeling kinda depressive and she didn’t wanted to talk to anybody but now she was feeling fine, i had previously asked her to tell me when she’s feeling bad about anything so that i may stop messaging her when she’s feeling down (Cause i know that when one’s feeling down and people keep on pressuring you it feels horrible), i’ve always kept her condition in mind ’cause i knew that she’s a fragile person so i wanted to give her space, but i needed to KNOW when she was not feeling it so that i may do so, but she didn’t tell me so i was feeling really bad for trying to butt in when she was depressed and so i sent her a message trying to cheer her up a bit, buuuuuuuuuuuuuuut she just leaved it as seen and never replied back, i was thinking “Well i guess she just need time for herself and she will reply back later” she never did, five days later i saw her back again online and i tried to talking to her in a really casual way so i didn’t butt in some of her depression/whatever she was feeling but she didn’t even saw it, i tried again twice days later but again, she hasn’t seen anything (She still tweeting about stuff tho). So Yeah, my anxieties are just screaming “It’s my fault isn’t it” and i can’t stop thinking that i just made someone hate me again, great, or maybe she just regretted saying that she liked me and now she’s making as if nothing ever happened? or maybe she found out that i was a really whatever guy and she took the oportunity and ran away from me? I don’t know, but i guess now i need to make peace with any of those thoughts ’cause there’s no sight of her even trying to reply to me.

Welp, at least i was able to confess to her, and i still like her, so whatever comes after this i’m gonna be okay with it, but i can’t shake that feeling of being “Rejected” even if she didn’t really do it…

That’s enough of my love life, let’s talk about working and shiet, DUDE, i’m gonna explode, i’ve been so tense from EVERYTHING that has been happening in my life, i mentioned on my vlog “Quickupdamiento en lemniscata” that i was feeling kinda stressed out by a presentation i had to make for my japanese class, and maybe you’re thinking “Well yeah dude i get stressed by tests too” BUT OH MAN YOU DON’T KNOW, i get ABNORMALLY stressed by ANY kind of test, be it a small one, a really easy one, a surprised one, I GET STRESSED, and not your normal stress, I GET MENTAL, like, i had my japanese finals on monday, and on THAT SAME MONDAY MORNING AT 4:30 I WAS SWEATING ON MY BED, TIRED AS FUCK BUT UNABLE TO SLEEP, ROLLING IN MY BED WHILE MUTTERING “It’s gonna be alright man, you’ve got this, you can do it” OVER AND OVER AGAIN, man, i fear failing, but not fear on a small scale, i absolutely despise it, i don’t want to fail at anything i do and that thought makes me fail ever more so i end up in this vicious cycle that makes me fear every single thing in this world and paralizes me, like, i don’t know if i’ve already told this story here but here it goes, last time i had japanese finals i ended up placing as the top 1 student in my class (i pretty much always do) but when we looked at the scores someone had placed over me in each and every one of the specific scores, the reason i was placed number one was because i had the highest overall score, but pretty much everyone was better than me in any particular aspect of japanese, and so when i was picking up my diploma for best overall student at the closing ceremony i felt like crying, i know i sounds really fricking stupid but man, i felt horrible, mostly because every single person in my classrome is a pretty active person over all, most of them where working their ass off most of the week or finishing up college projects or something, i don’t do that, the only things i need to worry about in my week are japanese classes and MAYBE Pastry classes, nothing more, nothing else, so having ALL THE TIME IN THIS WORLD compared to my classmates and being unable to surpass them felt incredibly horrible, like if i was recieving some cheap ass diploma, like if they where just handing it to me as a “You tried” award, felt like dying, and so on the way home after the ceremony, i cried.

That’s how much i hate myself.

When i cofessed to the girl i liked and she replied back saying that she liked me back i felt like i was worth something, like if someone finally was able to see something good in me, that same week i had finished up my plans for the trip im making to spain and i was recovering from a really bad slump i had while learning japanese, everything felt amazing, the last two weeks the girl i liked started ignoring my messages, the trip i planed is now on limbo as the woman that was supossed to host me dissapeared out of existence and my parents aren’t even interested in contacting her (Funny thing being that my sister is going on a free US trip next month courtesy of one of her friends, and they are so HAPPY about it that they talk about it EVERYTIME WE ARE TOGETHER).

And do you remember what i said last time about my japanese classes pending on the grades of one girl that didn’t really even study at all? well yep, she failed the tests and now we can’t continue our class due to lack of people, amazing.

Everything is tumbling down on me, every single thing i was happy about ended up biting my in the back, and the worst thing about it is that i feel fine(?), i haven’t cried, l haven’t given up, i haven’t self harmed or anything like that, my apetite has decreased but i don’t really feel like throwing up everything like before, and this may sound weird to you but to be honest, this time i really want to break.

Random Thought of The Day

“Now that i think about it, it’s been a month without listening to any new music at all…”

For the sake of not turning this diary into a “Me and the Girl i like are interacting in weird ways” diary i’m gonna cut off the talk about her, if something really worth talking about comes up then i will but i don’t want to fill this thing up with my insecurities, also powered by the fact that even if i was on a perfect relationship i would still be insecure about it makes me think that simply waiting and hoping it goes well instead of writing and worrying all day about it it’s the better option.

So let’s talk about a WAY depressive matter, fear and not believing in yourself.

Today i had a therapy session, and the thing that came up was the one that i’ve been avoiding for a while now and that is my return to college and while thinking/talking about it with my psicologist i became so afraid that i started avoiding it with really dumb sentences, obviously she caught me in that and i had to discuss with her some methods of lessening that fear, what methods i’ve been trying until now and if they have even helped me at all, what i mostly do is get used to things that i fear by interacting with them in small increments, for example the reason why i’m studying japanese and pastry is not only because i enjoy both of them but because i’m using them as “Mini-colleges” so that my experiences with them may help me to slowly return there, obviously they are not the same and they will never replace a literal college but it makes me think that maybe i’m getting better in that front, and that is a pretty nice strategy but the problem is that it requires a ton of time, time that i don’t think i have, i know currently i’m only 21 soon to become 22 but when i think about it almost 5 years of my life have been spent on this strategy alone (well not literally 5, 2 of them where spent in me just regaining my huminaty back, i sweat i was a ghost back then) and i don’t want to regret it later so i kinda want to make haste on that, i know i have to take my time and go on my own phase but when one of my biggest anxieties exist revolves arround me not making use of my age then it becomes a problem, so my psicologist proposed a really cliched way of making me more confident in myself, and that is neuro linguistic programming.

If you don’t know what it is then be prepared to be amazed by the amazing technological advancements that neuropsicology has given us, it’s just saying to yourself that you can do the things you want to do, yep, that’s it and yes it sounds like bullshit to me too but you know… i want to try it, not because i really believe it works but because i need to try these things in order for me to find the right path to becoming a better person, and that’s what all this year has been to me, the year of trying, giving traveling a shot again, giving expressing myself in a more consistent way a try, confessing to the girl i like and trying to keep a relationship with her, and yes, trying to become a Princess is one of those too. I’m not saying that i’ve been EXTREMELY PROACTIVE this year but at the very least I’M TRYING to, so basically i’ve been fighting my fears, even if i’m just merely poking them really.

Random Thought Of The Day

“You say don’t worry, but do you ever see us? Why he just bothers?”

H-Hey… it’s been a while, i’m sorry, after that chaotic week i had everything became weird and i started to feel like staying quiet for while, so i just leaved social networks again and started reading a ton of shoujo manga ’cause i hate myself and i was craving it even tho i was hurting in the heart side of matters, in restrospect it actually helped a ton (lol), it filled me with “Even if that person doesn’t even think of me, i wanna clear up my feelings for them” energy and that combined with me getting tired of my heart beating every single day ’cause of love issues ended up ecouraging me to confess, so yeah, i did, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand… it went kinda well.

So that Saturday i was weirdly feeling really good about everything, baking class was REALLY fun ’cause this there where two other students beside me in the class (I explain this in the Cutesamiento En Uwuscata video i made) and also the desert we made was amazingly tasty, so when i arrived home i just felt really good about everything and i recorded the video out of the blue like if life depended on it and as i was really tired (Because i’ve had just slept like 2 hours) i happily doze off, when i waked up i was still feeling nice but then i started to feel really bad ’cause i started thinking about her and my situation with her and thinking about how she had been having love troubles recently and i was depressed ’cause no way it was anything to do with me, my day was amazing until that point when my own heart and axieties ruined it and honestly i became so fed up with it that i thought “Maybe, i’ll just confess and get this over with” and so i did, expecting the best case scenario to be one in which she just told me something like “I’m sorry, but i don’t know you at all” or something like that, worse case scenario being she just ignoring my message or that she thought i was creepy or something like that, so i wrote why i liked her and some other embarrasing things, i was so embarassed writing it that i had to do it in english so my face wouldn’t turn red just by typing. God, i’m so pathetic.

I sent it aaaand nothing, nothing came for long while i thought she had just ignored it and i was like “WELP, at least i tried” and so i stopped waiting for anything and asked some friend to play League with me ’cause i was trying to damage control a little bit, and so we played a 2 matches back to back and i was feeling pretty alright all things consideres, my plan was just to confess and nothing else and that’s what i had done so i wasn’t feeling that down or anything, after the second match of league i opened twitter to post some song i was listening to and what i found is that i had a message on my inbox, my heart jumped and i inmediately panicked “IT’S HER ISN’T IT? I REALLY DON’T KNOW IF I WANNA READ THIS… OH MAN…welp… what ever, i confessed so is should this one as the man i don’t want to be” and with that i opened the message, THIS REALLY LONG AND DETAILED MESSAGE that i won’t tell you about ’cause that’d be rude to her, but the idea was that she also had kind of an interest in me and that she kinda liked me but that we having a relationship would be kinda hard (‘Cause of a TON of reasons) so she was scared of talking to me, but we ended up agreeing in giving it a shot (Even tho we’re not a couple? Idk, it is kinda weird) so yeah, these past few days i’ve been talking to her and man, i think i’m falling in love again, she’s sweet, funny, really fun to talk to and a she’s a really good chat when we talk about something we have in common, i really enjoy talking to her buuuuut, idk man, i feel like i’m the only one enjoying myself…? i mostly think it’s my anxieties, she’s the first person in SUCH A LONG TIME that has made me really think about what i should talk to her, what should i mention, at what time should i message her, etc, etc, BUT I DON’T KNOW MAN, SHE IS REALLY HARD TO READ, I DON’T KNOW IF SHE’S HAVING FUN TALKING TO ME OR IF SHE’S JUST PUTTING UP WITH IT, NGGGGGHHHHH, dude, maybe it’s just my anxieties talking, maybe i shouldn’t be thinking about those things and instead i should just be enjoying what interactions i have with her, i really like her and even if she hates me, likes me, or just puts up with me that fact won’t change.

Random Thought Of The Day

“Why is it always this, the day i forget about bringing an umbrella with me that day there’s an awful downpour”