Nothing much to report today, it’s been one of those days.

Most of it i spent it sleeping and cleaning the house, turns out now that everyone here is working/studying i’ve got to do the house chores, cleaning, dishwashing, take out the dog, cleaning the dog, the only thing that i never do is to cook because i REFUSE to cook anything that isn’t a dessert or a sweet of some kind.

I’ve been tasked to take down out christmas decorations (Yes it’s almost february and we haven’t done it) today i just took out the entrance stuff, some beautiful wreaths with ribbons and stuff man, as my Mother works in the decorative buisiness she is well versed into decorations, our house is full of eastheticaly pleasing stuff that you wouldn’t normally see in other’s, so you could imagine that the way she decours christmas is pretty effing cute and while i can easily aprettiate that i think that while i take it down and dissasemble everything i can take a better look at the trully espectacular way she does things, tomorrow i’ll take down our christmas tree so i’ll try and take a pic of it before i do it.

I wish i could have inherited her decour sense ’cause man do i suck at it, i’ve tried to but everything i do ends up making no sense at all and it looks like a missmash of things, maybe because i never get the things i would want to decorate with (because i’m a guy) so if i ever get the chance to get out of my parents house i wonder what type of decour i would do to my living space, at least i know that White, Grey and Pink would be the base colours for everything i do.

Today’s song reference comes from MEG’s album called STEP, MEG’s music is composed by Yasutaka Nakata and his compositions always remind me of Christmas for some reason (Must be the heavy glacial aesthetic of his work in Coltemonikha)

Random Thought of The Day

“Must be the heat that is destroying my ability to think straight”

I know i promised this entry was going to be about arcades and all (and i’m still gonna write about it) but let me first talk about something, when i first started writing this diary i talked about an experience acompanying my mother and sister to a bershka shop and being overwhelmed by the current fashion being so bad plus the feeling of being surrounded by the feminine vanity, welp i went to the same shop today, my sister wanted to change some clothing she didn’t end up liking plus i had to exchange some pants that my mother bought for me but they where just a little too thight for my body, it’s been almost a year since i first published that entry and in the past if i’d ever to a clothing shop i would just have spaced out or something but having written about my last experience now i have something to compare it to, anyways the point is this time felt different not only because of the speed of fashion trends but because my approach was a little bit different.
This time my main worry was myself, last time i was mainly focusing on what the girls arround me where wearing, now i was just looking at myself on the mirrors all arround the stablishment, i was focused on how my chest is so big and makes me look like an athelete even tho i barely do any exercise, i looked at my weird body shape that is neither slim nor chunky, a weird combination of both that never fully mixes together, i looked at my outfit, never fully commited to any aesthetic but just a mixup of plain looking clothing. The worst part is that last time i was complaining about the lack of “subtle clothing” on the store and it looks like the fashion industry heard my call ’cause the whole store was full of fluffly clothing, baggy looking pants, long sleeved clothes and tons of hoodies and concealing clothing, also tons of grey/white/pink my favourite colours.

I got a little bit depressed thinking about all of the nice looking clothing that my body coudn’t handle, i’ve streamed myself looking at cute clothing and as i have some female viewers they often tell me the clothes are cute but they are not that interested in them ’cause they dont suit them, it sounds dumb but now i really UNDERSTAND why.

Anyways, the arcade talk, it’s weird thinking about it ’cause it makes no sense knowing what my Father is like but i think he is the one that got me into gaming, and he hates videogames now so…
When i was little (Arround 3 or 4 years old?) whenever there was grocery shopping to i went along with my father and after getting whatever we needed he would stop at the arcade machines to play hang on, i remmember he telling me that one of his dreams was to own a poweful bike but as he was now married (And he had putted on a ton of weight) he couldn’t be selfish and buy it, so i guess playing some rounds of hang-on on the arcade was his way of fullfiling his dreams, while i played on the KOF machine, of course.

Later in life i remember going to a Pizzeria that had like 6 cabinets and i remember me and my cousin losing our shit just looking at them, they where mostly counterfeit arcade machines but i wouldn’t know at the time so i thought i was playing the real deal, a Golden axe machine, Marvel vs capcom 2, bubble trouble, Metal Slug 3 and some others i cant remember, we tried them all but golden axe and Bubble trouble would eventually grab most of our time there, we didn’t make it really far on Golden axe but man Bubble trouble, i think we finished the game together on just like 2 or 3 credits, man it was awesome blasting through that game, the sensation of the clicky buttons, the weirdly shaped joystick that i had yet to get used to, the height of the machine obstruckting my full view of the screen, our mothers calling us to eat while we where on the middle of playing maaan such good memories, come to think of it on the way there i spent most of the time playing the pokemon tcg gameboy color game, man am i a true gamer boi or what?

But that was just one little taste of true arcade goodness i would try in some years, later when i was 13-14 i would really begin to aprettiate arcades thanks to my best friend at the time, the dude lived on walking distance of a mall with a mini arcade on it and once he saw some guys prefecting their dance in the DDR machine he tought it was a good idea to take DDR as a replacement for a diet/sport cause he wanted to lose weight, so we went there almost 3 times a week, maaaaan it was awesome getting to know each track like the palm of my hand and then executing it perfectly to then turn the notch to the next difficulty setting and sucking ass at it, aside from that the arcade had the usual Gunblade and Cruisin USA machines we mostly just used the DDR ones, from time to time i would also use the Cruisin USA but next to it was this Daytona 2 machine that i always looked at like if it was the most generic game ever and i would often ignore it, i was such a fool, i would scold my older self so hard if i had the opportunity, now i’m craving a Daytona 1 play and there’s no way i’m gonna get the chance to play it now, what a sad life

Today’s song reference comes from Tomggg’s album called Popteen, the song is called ViVi and i chosed it ’cause Tomggg’s music is mainly electronic sound mixed with cute samples, their songs sound similar to what today’s entry is about.

Random Thought Of The Day

“I can’t get what i want can i?”

IT’S BEEN 18 DAY’S SINCE THE YEAR’S BEGUN I MEAN WHAT WHY IS TIME GOING SO FAST STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP

Hello, Fami here, i made up my mind about this blog so from today on i WILL write here, i’m tired of making promises that i never end up fulfilling BUT NOW IT’S DIFFERENT BECAUSE I’M TIRED OF FEELING SAD AND I WANT TO GET A LITTLE OF THE FEELING THIS BLOG GAVE ME WHEN I FIRST STARTED IT, so i’m going to set an alarm everyday at 6:00 PM on my phone so that i’ll never forget to write at least one word in this.

So okay, what do i’ve got today, so a few days ago i hung out (And spent the night) with some friends at a friends house, my old clasmates to be exact, as i talked before i mostly talk to them on chat ’cause we all live so far away but once (at least) each year we hang out together, we chat, play some games, hang out at the mall and do many other things, it’s quite fun to spend time with some people out of my usual friends circle because i get to be quite another person in front of them. I know that sounds weird but as i explained in one of my videos, i think the concept of the persona (The different personalities that we use to confront different situations) it’s looked down uppon for some weird reason when in reality is way more fun to be able to use different sides of yourself when hanging out with different people, in my usual circle of friends i portray the image of a somewhat calm and chill person but with my old classmates i’m seen as a quite strong opinionated person, it’s not if i’m acting any of those personalities, both of them are me it’s just that i’m able to express each side of myself better depending of the circle of friends i’m with, i’m sure that if you think about it this is also true for you my reader.

So why am i talking about this? Well, i’ve been getting out of my (Male) outwards appearance with my classmates, lately i’m trying some things in regards to my mostly (male) appereance by shaving my beard off consistently, using girly mannerisms at all times (I even got called out by a girl friend for sitting like a girl and i couldn’t be happier for that) and many other things, with my classmates i’ve been trying to be more reserved in my attituted (as i used to be a really spontaneous guy) now i’m keeping myself a little more controlled than before, also this time as i was kinda coughy i tough of buying some mouth masks to do the ultimate weaboo experience and so i did and so it did feel great, wearing a mask allows me to hide half of my male face (wich has the horrible marks of previously cutted face hair) so whenever i looked at myself at the mirror i felt more confident than before, who would have guess that hiding a part of myself behind some cloth would make me so happy?…

Here’s a thing that happened while we where on the mall, as we where walking up to the mall arcade to play some good old arcade games we saw a Miniso store that just recently opened, i’m not a fan of variety stores like Miniso ’cause i think most of the things they sell are way overpriced and as they focus mostly on popular things, and the things i like aren’t usually popular, i’m not really interested in the things they sell, BUT THIS TIME WAS DIFFERENT, i knew it since i saw the store that i needed to get in there, so i half-ly pushed one of my friends in with me so that the whole group would enter the store to see what’s in it, it was mostly plushies, some avangers merch, some Kitty and Gudetama merch and a whole bunch of makeup, i was kinda dissapointed that there wasn’t any My Melody at a first glance so i decided to keep looking arround until i saw it, the big, dumb, round face of My Melo… on a stick, nothing more, just a big ol’ My Melo face on a stick, it was the only My Melo merch in the store so obviously i had to buy it, it think it was pretty cheap anyways (Even if it only was a My Melo face on a stick), it is supossed to be massage hammer (?) the idea is to wack yourself (or your partner) when you’re feeling stressed to liberate some of that with sanrio goodness (or so i think) i mean, i love it.

I was pretty surprised at my friends reaction about my purchase, and i mean at the lack of reaction, most of them tought of it like nothing and i kinda like that, that probably means that none of them would mind it if i acted a little girlier (or so i think), also if you wanna see the My Melo stick there are some photos down on my twitter.

After that we went to the arcade, the last time we went there they had a large collection of classic games like Sega Rally, Crazy Taxy, Daytona 2, Time Crisis, DDR, Gunblade and many more but this time the only “Interesting” machine they had was Time Crisis 5 ’cause they’ve made some space for some bumping cars thingie and maaaan it is such a dissapointment when arcades do that, like, who cares about some dumb bumping cars? and what do they do with the old arcade machines they remove? I NEED MY FIX OF CRAZY TAXY MAN, ugh.

I was planning on talking about arcades but i’ll leave that talk for tomorrow.

Today’s song reference comes from Blueberry, Very Blue’s album called Blue Note, aside from the song title the version of the song in the album is a live recorded one so it feels really improvised and chaotic and i thought i would be a really good fit for this blog entry, if you find the song i would really aprettiate it if you would tell me what you think about it!

Random Thought of the day 

I swear if i had money i would buy those machines out of you, you ungrateful buisiness people

“Well it is 5 AM and i’m sitting there
Mother Nature called my name”

That’s an extract from a song i wrote at the beggining of this year that i still have yet to finish and i think it descrives perfectly what i’m now doing.

I just woke up so don’t worry about me lacking any sleep it’s just that my schedule it’s been really weird all december, i usually go to bed at 11:30 ish and then i wake up at 5:30 or so, seems normal right? thing is after i do my daily morning routine (Walk the dog, make/eat breakfast, talk to my parents, listen to some new music i’ve downloaded) my body just shuts off completely at 12 AM, i start to feel sluggish, i can’t concentrate on anything, i beggin yawning and so on, so i go to bed and sleep until 4 or 6 pm to then again resume whatever i was doing. When i was at school i was like this too, at exactly 12:30 i was completely out of it and my concentration wavered between my fantasies and whatever class i was supossed to be paying attetion to but i never actually slept through class and when i arrived home i never took any naps, the last celphone i had was so runned up that i it’s battery lasted just half a day and i had to charge it twice a day so maybe i’ve become son runned up with things that i’m now exactly like that battery and my life power doesn’t last longer than half a day.

Anyways, as soon as i woke up i remembered that today’s the last day of the year so i thought “maybe it’s a good idea if i write a year summary on the blog” and so here i am once again, typing in this mechanical keyboard that does a ton of noise at 5 in the morning, hopefuly this one is going to be a looong post.

By the way, if i ever come back to writing here again i’ll start explaining the song references on the posts title, today’s reference comes from a song on Witches Party EP by HNC (Hazel Nuts Chocolate) called “5 Years Time”, the main reason i choosed it was obviously because of the tile but it has a bit of a deeper meaning than that, Witches Party EP is not the usual HNC album, while they tend to be these extremely lively albums where every single song is a happy go lucky one with sugary sparkly accents that scream it’s creators inner child Witches Party is anything but that, songs like “I Dream I Dead”, “Night Thoughts” and “Floating Bananas” are centered about Depression and Dreams, they have a ton of echo, reverb, melancholy and introspection and their vocals are dreamy, distant and whispery, like if Yuppa herself drilled an Auxiliary port in her head and recorded the sounds of her dreams, anyways, after going through those 3 songs the next one (5 Years Time) is this explosive song that has like 80 million parts playing at the same time, it’s production is LOUD AS FUCK so i think this song (and it’s placement as the last song in the EP) parallels my current situation of waking up really early to write this.

Okay so first let’s start this year summary by adressing the elephant in the room, my last post and my suicidal thoughts, and that’s to say i don’t actually regret writing any of that, i really planned on killing myself next year when everyone graduates but the thing is that that suicidal thought made it to my parents, while having dinner i slip it on a conversation ’cause i’m dumb and i like to joke about those things but they actually took it serious so i was pressured into telling them about the plan, i told them about how hopless i feel, about how frustrated i was at the fact that every single plan i made this year failed, about me giving up on becoming anything at all because of my skill level being insuficient to support my life and how i was unable to work because of my anxieties, i told them how awful those things made me feel, how i was anxious about my little sister graduating from school next year and how that meant that if i got into college that same year it was going to be hell for them to pay twice as much, i told them that the only way out of this sadness and pressure i was putting on myself and on my parents wallet was to just kill myself and dissapear as soon as i could.

Obviously they got mad at me, they cried and they where frustrated at their lack of supporting words, i mean, they tried everything these past 4 years and none of it had worked. But they kept trying to cheer me up, trying even tho everything they said made no sense at all and they knew it, they kept on trying, i can just barely imagine how must it feel, your own son telling you about how he wants to kill himself and no matter how you try to support him none of it goes through his head, it must feel awful, i have always respected my parents, i think they are the best people there has ever been just because they are able to go through all of my bullshit (old and new) and they still love me, man, why am i surrounded by the most beautiful people ever?

We talked about it until i calmed down and they manage to convince me of not ending my life, i’m still sad tho, i feel worthless, and i don’t know if i’ll be able to live like this any longer, and i’m now afraid of my future self, what will i do when the day everyone graduates comes arround? even if now i’m not thinking of killing myself, will i be able to repress those feelings when that day comes?

This year is the loneliest i’ve had in my life, i’ve been less in touch with my best friends because they are now at the doors of the adult world and most of them have jobs and important work to do, now they don’t have the time at all to be meeting up to do things, i still talk through online calls with them tho, almost daily, but i can’t shake that feeling of loneliness comes from having someone by your side suddenly leaving and not comming back.

I also have an online presence (As small as it is) because of my streams and obviously an streamer’s job is to talk to people so three years ago when i started streaming my drawings on twitch i began talking to a ton of people, some of them became amazing friends that i hold dear in my heart and i used to talk to them at high night hours and it was pretty comfy, i remember doing children songs karaoke with a friend, or that time i got banished to a place far away (milky way) from home and i talked to them on my celphone or those multiple nights where i used to hear one of my friends vent endlessly for 3 hours straight.
This year most of them stopped talking to me, mostly because, again, they are entering the adult world and almost all of them are working or busy with college, and i truly respect that but man would it kill to message me every once in a while? And i tried to talk to some of them but either they just wouldn’t reply at all or just replied with the most cold messages ever and as i am the worst at comunicating with people i would get discouraged by it and never text any of them again.

One day a friend, while on stream, told me that maybe people stopped talking to me because of my depression and the way i talk about it, and i get that, i can see why people would avoid me ’cause i only talk about depresive stuff plus i make really bad jokes, also i know nothing about the world and the only things i really care about are things that only i care about so talking about them is really difficult with them (with my other friends too). That’s why i say that i’m the most selfish person on earth, i only care about my mental health, my hobies and nothing else, i know nothing about taking care of people or being a good chat, maybe i’m kind of a good listener but i mean everyone is. So if you ever wondered why i take those “Social media breaks” i do the real reason behind them is because i don’t want my friends to deal with my bullshit and i want to suffer alone.

Anyways, i want to talk to them again but before doing that maybe i should fix my attitude, so i’ll try to hide my sadness?? aaaaa i don’t know how should i do this but i am doing it anyways.

I’ve been writing this since 5 AM (obviously little by little) it is now 11:41 AM while listening to some stream plus my soundcloud playlist, and i just noticed i’m doing this so i’ll talk about it but when i feel stressed or just overwhelmed i tend to just play every single piece of audio media i can at the same time, i don’t really know why i do that but when i’m drawing or something and get stucked on something i just open up youtube and play like 3 videos at the same time plus some music and it ends up being really noisy and way more stresful, man, i’m going insane i swear.

Talking about relationships, i’m still in love with that girl, yeah i’m an idiot for still having hope but i can’t help it, whenever i try to forget about her i go to bed an inmediately i get overwhelmed by thought about her, some stream viewers told me to just block her or something but i can’t possibly do that, i feel like reading her all of my life. Although i regret it each night when my heart beats like crazy and i think “Maybe if i message her again…” and nghhh it’s frustrating not being able to do anything about it so i guess i’ll just have to swallow it up.

Let’s talk about my favourite music i’ve listened this year then (So that i forget about her), man what a rambly diary entry.

This year has been pretty bad in terms of “ammount” of music i listened, i just mainly listened to 74 Albums all year, it sounds really good until you find out that most of them where all complete discographies, i listened to the Kyary Pamyu Pamyu one (i’ve had it pending for like 2 years already), the Hi hi Puffy Amiyumi one because i don’t know and lastly the Tokyo Girl’s Style one because i loved READY GO! but nothing else, the rest of the albums where just one offs of some early 2000s japanese indie bands, some highlights where “The Caraway” by the Caraway, “Chelsea Wood” by Cinnamon Toast Crunch, “Reflection” by Tokyo Girl’s Style, “Summer Vacation, Sunset Vehicle” by Spaghetti Vanube!, “Boy to Man” by Arigarnon Friends, “Natsumelo” by Natsume Mito, “Hue” by Mili, Lust by Meishi Smile, Postgazer, California Roma and more.

Now, here’s my top 10 songs i listened to this year, most of them i’ve fangirl over and over on twitter so don’t expect anything mindblowing, also i’ll try to link them if they are available online.

Top 10: MASH – Hikarikagayaku Asu He

I catched this song on some soundcloud playlist and maaaaan the vibe, this song feels like laying down on the ground while stargazing, i’ve never liked japanese rap because i feel like they try really hard to make their lyrics rhyme and they end up ruining the flow and pronuntiation, this does not apply to this song tho, Mash’s rapping feels natural and rhymes hit really hard plus the lyrics man, they are awesome, they tell this story about losing all hope thanks to the guilt of having been a really shit person in the past but one day just by sheer force of will getting out of that miserable state.

季節は夏だと言うのにさ

部屋から出ない24時間

万年床に締め切ったカーテン

誰にも会いたくないな

Top 9: Venus Peter – 15th Trumpet

Venus Peter is a band heavily influenced by Flipper’s Guitar, the fathers of the Shibuya-kei genere so of course they are mainly known for their Shibuya-kei albums, they’ve been mostly inactive during the 2010s appearing in some lives and stuff but this year they released this song and man does it feel like the 90s never endend, mellow guitars, a really slow and trippy tempo, deep bass and of course, an harmonica. Not only does the song feels like a never released 90s shibuya-kei one but its lyrics allude to that era with parts like “The parting day came, and being unable to say goodbye i wavered my hand until i died” or “Even if the end comes it will never begin”.

１５ｔｈ　Trumpet

カラフルなトーンで

みじめな夜を塗りつぶそう

Top 8: Serani Poji – Eve

I’ve already listened to Eve before in form of a funky high energy remix and i liked it but when i listened to the original song i just melted, Eve’s lyrics are the most beautiful and sad lyrics i’ve read, the melody is slow without it being boring thanks to some techno trappings (it’s Serani Poji, i mean) and YUKI’s vocals are just superb, the way this song is layed out allows her to change tones without ruining the tempo so her voice shines really bright. I’ll leave it with this, the first time i payed attention to this song’s lyrics i cried, that’s how good it is.

ここにサボテンを植えよう

そして毎日ここに来よう

この下に最後のアダム

ワタシに口づけをした

Top 7: Dinosaur Jr. – The Lung

Never have i ever listened to a song intro that gets me this hyped, it’s perfect, it encapsulates what it feels to be walking home, alone, while my head fills with depressive thoughts and existencial bullshit, man, i love this song’s intro with all of my soul, the rest of the song is also pretty good with some great riffs and also one of the best guitar solos ever, the song has barely no lyrics, just a phrase that repeats many times, but that one phrase says it all.

No where to collapse the Lung

Breathes a doubt in everyone

Top 6: Advantage Lucy – Memai

Another Shibuya-kei centric band, of course i would obsess over one of their songs, dreamy guitars, trumpets, melacholy and the passage of time. I read about Memai in a blog by a guy that lived in japan arround the time these bands where active and he blogged about their gigs and stuff, he mentioned a friend of his that was inspired by Advantage Lucy, specifically Memai, to write lyrics that used more intrinsic words so that it would feel like entering someone’s head, Memai’s lyrics are written in a way that it feels way more of a confession than anything else, i was able to relate really hard to it’s lyrics because of that.

二人の季節が戻ればと

思った私はずるい

Top 5: Fulling Cat Mark – Lucia

Fulling Cat Mark is a circle centered arround doing Touhou arrangements mixed in with some Shibuya-kei classics, i’ve known about them for a long time now but i never thought of them as “Kami-type” or anything until i listened to Lucia.
I’ve never liked overly cutesy songs ’cause i think they are made so they can lure some kimo-otas into buying their albums at Comiket with the premise of “Don’t you want to shake this cute vocalist hand?”, basically almost all of Kana Hanazawa’s songs, but listening to Lucia has really opened my mind about it, the song is so honest, using picopop trappings, a bass centric compossition and the cutest keyboards out there. The song’s lyrics are about a small ballet dancer doing her best to shine on the stage for her loved one, with that premise i actually think the overly cutesy vocals work really nice, plus the song lyrics uses french and english Coltemonikhisms and if i ever hear Coltemonikhisms in a song i instantly fav it.

Tonight…呼吸を止めて

震える足先不安と恐怖を

Brave…チャンスを掴み取るの

ルチア必ず私やれるわ

Top 4: Arigarnon Friends – Come Back

I tend to like two types of songs, songs that make you dream of sugary star glittered milky way and songs that make you scream your lungs out, this one is special because even if it isn’t scream out loud as any of the Perfect Pussy songs or Shinsei Kamattechan thingies i feel like this one gets all of the shit out of my head in a more controlled manner, guitars roar with the vocals, with me, we all roar as we feel that COME BACK TO ME!

あぁ家に帰り

夢を見ても

すぐに覚める

Top 3: Hi-posi – Sonaeyotsuneni / Atashi no Select

Denpa music is supossed to be this crazy journey through insanity but i never looked at it that way, i think otakuish denpa is just like that because of the sense of pride they feel in taking part of that “weird people” group, is not insanity because it’s controlled by their otaku pride, Sonaeyotsuneni and Atashi no Select feel more like insanity to me, their composition is all over the place, volume goes up and down at all places, beeps stay sharp, sting and beets repeat themselves endlessly, Sonaeyotsuneni is about a starved frenzy for happiness and Atashi no Select is about beating yourself up out of guilt, i don’t know wich one is the weirdest so i think both of them go here.

しあわせはだれかのため

しあわせはなにかのため

しあわせはわたしのため

しあわせはすべてのため

Top 2: Kaneko Kiwano – Citrus

Kaneko Kiwano has quickly become one of my all time favourite artists, she doesn’t have amazing lyric writing skills that blow your mind nor she is prodigy of music composition that writes genious music but what she does have is the most unique flavour of music that i’ve ever tasted, the best word i could use to descrive her music is “Homemade” hearing her voice, tasting the way she writes and composes is like eating the most fluffy, sugary sweets, they calm my heart, heal my soul and cure my head. Citrus is just a song i happen to really relate to, it’s about that awkward time before a love confession, that time when everything feels good and stressful at the same time.

君をいろどってる香り　

まとってるのは誰のため？

Top 1: Harmony Hatch – Hoshi ni Yuku Kisha

What could i say about this song, if i placed Kaneko Kiwano as one of my all time favourite artist but my favourite song of hers is still on second place what could possibly be on the first place? Well, Harmony Hatch’s Hoshi ni Yuku Kisha. Harmony Hatch is a 2000s band that i’ve yet to listen to a full album of (Mainly because they are impossible to find on the internet) even tho they have been fairly active in the 2010s, their vocalist, Kobayashi Shino is also an artist i really like, i found out about the band while i was reading about her and found only two songs that i could listen to, Keep Eating and Hoshi ni Yuku Kisha, the latter’s MV (That had never been released until now) was uploaded by Philia Records (Kobayashi’s Label) on January of this year, i tell you about this ’cause i want you to know how weird it is that a band from the 2000s that almost no one knows about, that i could never have found out about if i haven’t obsessed over Kobayashi is able to deliver a song that impacts me this way.
How should i descrive why i like this song then? Maybe it’s Kobayashi’s voice, maybe it’s the nostalgic feeling the guitar creates, maybe is the little sparkly star effects, maybe it’s the uplifting rhythm, I can’t understand the lyrics ’cause they are all in engrish and it’s lyrics aren’t available online… this song just makes me feel good.

Come to think of it i also attended a ton of concerts this year didn’t i? 2 Taiko ones, a Koto one, a Violin and piano one and that tribute to Cowboy Bebop one, i missed Margarita Siempre Viva’s live tho, man that still stings.

Okay that’s it for the break, now let’s get back to the depressive stuff.

One of the things that has marked the year for me is the fact that every single plan i made ended up failing, the year started fairly normal, i was studying japanese and baking so i had fallen into a normal persons daily rythm, and it felt pretty good being able to be an almost functioning member of society, later in the year i decided to finally face my gender disphoria and so i began writing this diary on april after a fated visit to Bershka, i really enjoyed the two months that i diligently wrote on this diary, it felt like i had a place to finally express all of the stupid things i had inside instead of just having inner conversations with myself all the time, that’s the reason why the diary is public instead of just private, i feel like if it where private it wouldn’t be any different to talking to myself, arround that time i made a cute connection with the girl i like by means of really shy tweets until i got fed up with the intrigue and ended up telling her i liked her, and you know the rest of it, the months after May tho, they where brutal, in June my japanese study class ended up falling appart ’cause we weren’t enough students to hold up the schedule we had (we were only 2 dudes) so they ended up transfering us to a “only in saturday” class, at the same time i had finished my Baking class semester and the lead cheff told me that he would get me a scholarship for next semester if i transfered to the gastronomy course while still having baking classes and i accepted ’cause i had already refused an scholarship before and i regretted it, later i will find out that i suck at gastronomy (mainly because i only care about sweets) so each time i went to class i was that guy that knew nothing about anything that everyone looks at and thinks “What is that guy doing here?” so i had to pull every single ounce of my strenght to ask the lead cheff to change me back to only baking class even if i lost the scholarship, and so i did but when i came back suddenly there was something really off about me and i ended up making a mess out of everything and leaving class crying to never come back again, i don’t really remember if i wrote about it in this diary but if you are interested in the details you should check the other entries.

In July i was supossed to head out to Spain for a couple of months, my mother had always wanted to get me out of the country (Mainly because i’ve never been out of the country) so she asked a friend of hers if she could take care of me (and by take care i mean just lend shelter) for two months and she accepted and i was ready to go to spain until suddenly pfftyfysuasdji and everything went south and a ton of problems came up and then i couldn’t make the trip, nice, also, last month my mother told me about a charity sale my town was having and she was asking me if i could draw a christmas card so that she could sell at the event, i accepted and started working on it, i finished the thing in like a week and she was really happy with it and surprisingly i was also really happy with it ’cause it features my original mascot designs and i really like them and they look really nice on a christmas card so i was looking forward to seeing the card printed! until the charity thing was cancelled i don’t know why, i ended up posting the card’s design on twitter but only four people fav’ed it so i guess it wouldn’t have sold at all, hahahaha, nice.

And in the subject of drawing, man this year has been really bad for it, i’m proud of some of the things i drew this year like the Onpu-comic i made and the Summer Camp Island one but other than that i just OC’ed my way through 2019, even tho i’m proud of the OCs i made this year (I actually think they are the best i’ve made ever) i still feel like i didn’t do anything all year, i mentioned this to an artist friend of mine and he told me something like “Dude you are the only insane person i know that draws 41 OCs and still says he hasn’t done anything” and that was before i made the fighting game chara-designs or the Famifriends chara-designs or the weird haired one that i’ve been drawing lately. So even tho i feel like i didn’t draw that much this year when i look back at the characters i’ve created (mostly the fightning game ones) i feel like at least i didn’t waste my entire year.

So yeah, i think i’m gonna leave it at that, i’ve got a few things left to say but maybe this post is already too long so i’ll talk about them another day, looking back at this year i find that it’s been so hellish that the only months i truly remember are April, May and December, most of the year has been so sad that i don’t even want to remember anything of them. The only time i will remember forever is when i had just confessed to her and we started talking, those few weeks we shared thoughts, interests and worries have eclipsed anything else, and i wouldnt want it in any other way.

 

Today was an awful day, well most of my days are like that but today was a special kind of bad, i wont really talk about it in detail ’cause its extremely personal (Plus i don’t wanna sink in it) but it made me think about one of those classic worries us autistic people tend to exagerate, what does people think about me?

And i dont mean in a “looks” kind of way but as in our interpersonal relationships, time and time again i think someone is really close to me but in reality they are just being too polite, the same can be said about someone like that girl that harrased me in japasese class all day, i’m always polite so i the signals of “stop, this is uncomftable) i was sending got misinterpreted, i pondered on that for a while until it broked me a little inside, you see, aside from the girl i like not wanting to even talk to me anymore i’ve been recieving these twitter interactions with some really cute girl that seems to like a ton of my tweets (Not anything romantic obviously), she’s also written some comments on my tweets with sone sweet things that sometimes make my day so i end up responding to her, so i had thought that we two where supossed to be kind of e-friends, thing is, she’s still liking my tweets but it is really depressing to be honest, i mean, i didn’t expect us to be super besties after just a couple of interactions but she’s been shy about it lately like if i ak some sort of nuissance you need to get rid off, i wonder what she thinks of me…

Same thing happened this morning when u checked my phone i had this message by someone on my youtube channel telling me that they loved it and that shibuya kei music had been in their radar for a while now but they just didn’t now the name of the genere, i wonder what that person thinks of me.

Ultimately, thinking about it just makes me create even more different personas, the guy that is harrassed in class, the guy that says funny things on twitter and the guy that expossed (not at all) shibuya/pico to a larger audience.

Anyways i’m sleepy (i’ve fallen sleep like 3 times while writing this) so see you next time.

One weird thing about this blog is that right until i stopped writing them i had always writen them one hour before midnight, that was because i think that diaries should be written at very last minute of the day so that it could record everything in it, now that i’ve gotten out of the habbit of doing this dialy i’m trying to write whenever i have free time (Almost all of my time is free time but anyways) so that i don’t forget about writing it, so these last two days i’ve started writing these at evening which makes them not as acurate of my daily life as the previous ones, well… it’s not as if i ever talk about things in these post while taking choronology remarks but anyways, it’s weird.

Thinking about yesterday’s post a weird idea came to my head, remember that post i made where i told the reason why i started baking? “Sweets are mens gift to womanhood” or something like that, well i was thinking about it and man does it make absolute sense, femininity is a thing that is hard to discuss right now ’cause everyone thinks that it paints women in a unreal way, but the reality of the matter is that it was never supossed to paint reality as it is, the reason why we say “Sweets are mens gift to womanhood” is because most of them where created by romanticist, they pictured womanhood as fluffy, sweet, tiny and delicate not only because that was characteristic prominent in their era but also because they deliberately saw it as that, the reality of the matter is that most women arround that time where actually devoid of those characteristics we’ve implanted into sweets, not because they didn’t had them but because they weren’t inherent to them, they where forced by expectations that the old people implanted in them.

What i’m trying to say is that femininity is natural, it is not implanted, its the way a girl acts acordingly to her wishes.

So what do we call that aesthetic persona that we used to assosiate with pink and frills? if femininity is as fluid as time and it’s definition varies between eras, tendancies and even person to person? well, i don’t have the answer to that but what i trully know is that whatever we call it, it can be seen as the real, actual image of what we now call “Sweets”, and that’s because it was meant to display that, and only that characteristic.

So you could say that: “Sweets are mens gift to Fluffyness, Sweetness, Tininess and Delicacy” which means that the ones that aimed to replicate what we used to call Femininity weren’t the women we assosiated the characteristic to but the men, the cheffs, boulangers and patissiers that actively are now looked down upon for “Reducing women to one trait”, in other words… Men’s desire to reach what we used to call Femininity used to be way more big than women’s.

Anyways i’m tired, don’t blame me if this doesn’t make any sense at all.

(Not so) Random Thought of The Day

Maybe i went to BIG BRAIN on that one…

Hey, it’s ya boy, Fami, back at it again with another diary entry… Wait, i’m not doing this daily anymore so i can’t call this a diary no longer… damn.

Well anyways, i’m here again to talk about somethings that have been clotting my mind recently, first of all i want to address something i just figured out while on this heavy slump i’m having, this blog is called “Diary of Becoming a Princess” but it seems that it’s meaning has slipped my mind through all of the hardships i’m having, this blog it’s suposed to be about an outlet for my girly thoughts and anxieties about them, not just about my horrible mental health and my weirdness at tackling it! obviously i had written about other things in this diary but they where always related to my gender disphoria, or at least i tried to relate them to it, so i guess what i’m trying to say is that i’m retaking this (HOPEFULY THIS TIME) again as an outlet for that.

Guess i’m returning to my pretence of being Famiky again.

So let me start with a depressing thought just this time ok? I quitted “baking” class last friday, i don’t remember if i told you this (And i can’t be bothered to check if i’ve written about it) but the guy that runs the classes recived some scholarships from my city’s goverment and he ended up giving one to me, but that scholarship meant that now i wasn’t just a patissier student but also a general cooking student, it also meant instead of attending classes some days a week i was going every single day of the week, at first it was ok ’cause i didn’t really gave a damn about it, i mean, i thought that my unhappiness was brought up by my lack of formal studies at my age plus my lack of job (My Neetdom) so i figured “Well might as well accept the offer”, uuuuuhg, wrong move, first week was kinda boring but whatever, second week was learning about a ton of things i didn’t really care about, third week the same, fourth week the exact same, at that point i was feed up with it plus as i was then a “Cooking Student” that meant i had classmates again, most of them where really entusiastic about it and where always asking things and talking about different dishes and so on while i was always asking about basic stuff ’cause i don’t really know anything about formal cooking nor i care about it, so it was like i didn’t belong at all in there and that made me feel awful, so at the beggining of week 5 i told my teacher that i didn’t really had a passion for formal cooking, that i just wanted to bake sweets and be a patissier, nothing more, luckly he had figured i wasn’t doing very good in class so he offered me to transfer my scholarship back to baking again, i was happy about it ’cause for me it was hell just trying to talk to someone that had just gived me an scholarship saying something like “i’m sorry i don’t care about formal cooking at all” so i had to muster all of my courage just to tell him that and i had payed off!

Little did i know that thing where going to get worse from here on out, i was on baking again, and the first class i attended went really smooth, this time i had classmates again but they where just two of them, two 18 year olds that had been in class for almost two years now (I had been 1 year in class) but it didn’t affect me so everything went really well, second day though it went all sour, in the second day we had a comission for 130 pieces of carrot cake plus some local treat called “Cocada” made out of coconut, aaaaaaaaaaand while we where making them i made a ton of misses and failed at a ton of things i was supossed to be very knowledgeable at, so i was already at a bad mood ’cause i’m a horrible sore loser, but what made the day even worse was that at the end the teacher said “So there’s this argentinian chick i’m friends with and she’s gonna come in about half an hour to teach us how to make “Empanadas Argentinas” so if you want you can stay for that class” obviously i didn’t care for it at all but all my class was going to attend it plus another girl had just arrived to recieve that class plus plus my teacher was like “Soto, you’re staying right?” so i couldn’t refuse, so the chick arrived, stared talking about some things i don’t remember and then went like “What proportion of salt do you colombian people use in your dough?” and the whole class plus that other girl said something like “Something like 20 grams per kilo”, and the argentinian chick went like “Ah, then we need a little more ’cause we use a 30 grams per 500 lbs” or something like that.

I was attonished ’cause i didn’t know it at all, and these guys just blurted it out like it was common sense, i mean, it’s supossed to be common sense for anyone that works in a kitchen, except for me, ’cause i didn’t belong there.

I didn’t belong there at all

So the argentinian chick aproached me an told me “Dude we need you to boil some water” and i was inmediatly brought to my senses again, i mean, even people that had never touched a knife know how to boil water don’t they? i mean, i just need a fire proof container and a… and then it hitted me, in this kitched there are at least a thousand different things that i could use to boil water, back at home we just use a designated pot for that so it was pretty mindless but here i had a thounsand million options and i don’t know if i’m supossed to use that one or that one or that one… so i standed there, dumbfounded like if i’ve just been flashed that men in black flashlight, i completely lost track of time while thinking until the aregentinian touched my shoulder and told me “Is the water ready? i need it now” i died that moment, i hand’t even began to do the simple task i was giving and the girl was already asking for it, i lost footing, couldn’t muster a single and just stood there… until one girl in my class replied “Oh, i had already put a kettle to it, it should be ready now”

That just ended me, not only did it failed at the most simple task ever but one of my colleagues was so ahead of me that she wasn’t the person that they tasked the water with but still did it anyways, at that point i moved away from the table so that i wasn’t interfering with anyone’s job, i just stood there thinking and sulking and just losing my mind about what just happened until i broke, and in a embarasing, childish, rude, awful way of leaving i said “Teacher, i’m sorry, i don’t care about any of this, i’m leaving now, see you on friday” and before anyone could even say a word i had already packed my things and had gotten away…

That was the day of my birthday btw, the same morning i woked up to my family congratulating me and assuring me that i wasn’t a failure, that i had worth, i go and do that, so i arrived home, and obviously cryed myself to sleep.

The next friday i went back to class again, but this time i couldn’t hang on very long, i arrived full of anxiety, wondering about how everyone thought of my rudeness the other day, we started class, the techer asigned us pizza dough to each of us, i couldn’t concentrate at all, i stumbled through the ingredients, barely even remembering what i was even supossed to do while my body was shaking and my mind was spiraling down into madness, until i made a mistake while forming the base dough and i spilled a ton of water on the floor, i cracked, cried, told the teacher i wasn’t up to things, cried again, packed up and went home again, no longer that 30 minutes had passed since i had arrived, of course when i arrived home my parents questioned me, i cried again, shutted myseld in my room as fast as i could, inside i searched desperately for my cutter so i could cut my forearm but of course i couldn’t find it so i broke some metal tube i had laying arround and while crying i slashed my forearm multiple times until pain became unbearable and i cried the rest of the day.

I don’t even know how did i “recovered” from it, last time this happened (When i dropped out of college) a similar thing happened and i ended up shutting myself for a week straight, guess i’ve grown a little bit since then, while i was sad and sulking i remembered that i had this diary, i remembered how happy it made me while i was writing it and how it opened my heart in such a way it had ever before, so i decided to come back to it, hoping to theraphy myself again, hoping this last year i will spend it being myself, not being hiki nor fami, being Far Away Milky Way.

Random thought of the day:

“Who uses a kettle to boil dough watter anyways?”

Hey, what up?

I’m sorry for being so on and off on this diary entries, i mean, they are supossed to be a daily thing but i’m skipping over a day or two.

It’s just that everything has become so bleek lately, and this is not about some unrequited love or anything but recently i got reminded of a very scary thing i forgot about, while i was having lunch with Mother she mentioned that my sister is now in her last school semester and she’s graduating next year, and while we where talking about that i also remembered that most of my friends are also graduating next year, one of them is now working in some hospital as a general psichologist now and the other one is working for a chemics company.

They are all graduating next year and i’m here, crying over a girl 10 years older than me that lives 4000 km away from me…

I’m a total failure aren’t i?

Back when i dropped out of uni i told myself “It’s fine, i just need time, time to heal a little bit” it’s been 4 years since then, i’m still the same person, i haven’t grown at all, no matter how much love/support my parents give me, no matter how much i talk to psycologists, friends and even my twitch viewers, i never learn anything and i still mope.

I told my Mother that i’ve surrendered and if she wanted she could just throw me out of the house whenever she wanted, i won’t succed at anything i do, i have no hope, she took like a kind of joke even tho she seemed worried about it, maybe she just thought i was just saying that in the spur of the moment (i’ve always told her things like that but those where always when i was feeling angry about something).

Today i told my psicologist about it, that i had lost hope in myself and that from now i’ll just attend therapy as a formality for her and my parents.

The more i think about it the harder it gets, i can’t see myself ever succeding at anything and i don’t want to suffer any longer through the pain of knowing that.

So i decided that my life ends next year, when everyone graduates.

So, the unthinkable happened…

She came back.

Unsurprisingly she hasn’t read my last message nor i think she will respond to the previous ones, and that’s fine, i’m just glad that she is fine and that she recovered her place for self expression, the last thing i would want to do is to take that away from her, so i’m really glad that she not only found another way to unwind herself away from anything related to me.

(Oh man, i sure hope she doesn’t read any of this btw)

The whole ordeal with my relationship with her has made me understand that i’ve trully fallen for her like i’ve never fallen for anyone, i don’t really know how to explain this but just knowing that i didn’t ruined her usual quiet life by bargaging in and making her feel uncomfortable is enough for me.

I don’t know if she’s gonna ever talk to me about our relationship again, i don’t even know if she wants anything to do with me so i wont talk about her any further.

Now i’ll talk about the last entry, it was weird wasn’t it? Maybe it was a little cringy to read, i’m sorry for that, but i wanted to express the meaning behind my nickname, Famiky, i didn’t started using it just because, Famiky is a contraction of Far Away Milky Way, and that itself its the junction of the lyrics of two of my favourite songs ever by my favourite band ever, “Domino” and “Sleeping Girl” by Coltemonikha.

The fragments i used for the nick came from the parts that say “Kagirinaku Far Away” and “Hoshikuzu hiroge amanogawa”
and fusing them together would form something like “Infinitely Far Away a Star Dust Sprinkled Milky Way”, the Amanogawa part used to be part of the name (Far Away Amanogawa) but i changed it to it’s english translation ’cause it rolls off the tounge easier, if you look at my other blog’s URL you can see that the blog is actually called FarAwayAmanogawa.

So, what does any of this mean? Well, the meaning i see in it is that one should always look at what one aspires to be, even if that is so far away that one may never reach it, Far Away Milky Way means looking up at the stars, getting close to touching them, Famiky means… never giving up.

It’s no surprise how much Sakai Kate has influenced my life in the time i’ve been listening to the 2 albums she released, she gave me the courage to accept the fact that i wanted to be a girl instead of a boy, she gave me her aesthetic, always natural and full of girly beauty that will never wither in the face of rejection, the strong heart of a lady that won’t get pushed arround by anyone even if her heart is melting. I don’t actually know how important is Coltemonikha for her, i don’t know how passionatelly she worked on it, i don’t even know i it means anything to her now, but that doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter ’cause whatever she thinks about it, it gave me my biggest dream.

I wanted to tribute the amazing dream Sakai Kate gave me even tho i knew that i could never come even close to the beauty she descrived in the lyrics of those songs.

“Aaah, shiranai sekaii, mou kore ijou misenaideitte, onegai dakara”

I just finished writing the latest diary entry and here i am writing the next entry ahead of time in my celphone, lights are out and i’m ready to “go to bed” in reallity i’ll just roll arround in my bed thinking about everything until my body passes out.

But as soon as i turned my pc off i felt like writing and i don’t really know why, i’m not a really good writer and i don’t really have passion for it but somehow as i stood up from my desk chair the thought of “Man, i wish i could just die and stayed here as a ghost, writing forever to myself”. The following its going to sound extremely weird but i think i just realized that Famiky is my best friend.

I was thinking about why i write, who do i talk to while i’m on bed, how do i talk to when i fangirl about the things i like, and that person can only be Famiky as he is the only one that understands me but as much as he gets me, i can’t never reach Famiky, Famiky is everything i want to be and the reason why i talk to him is because i’ve yet to reach them, i talk to them ’cause our existance is separated, Famiky does not write to me ’cause he’s yet to be alive and i talk to them ’cause i’ve yet to disapear.

I’ll never be able to reach Famiky, they are just an idea, the expression of my desires for cuteness, girlyness, my desire to be an amazing artist, my desire to write weird songs that only a handful of people would listen to by downloading them from some sketchy website and many other things i desire.

As i’ll never be able to reach them i’ve separated them from myself and made them it’s own self that i’m trying to replicate, so in conclussion, i’m a fake.

I’ve always wondered why lyrics like Coltemonikha’s “The atractiveness i showed you, it’s all fake” and Perfect Pussy’s “I’ve been talking shit about your friend, i’ve been lying to get attention” resonated so much with me and i think i get it now.