One only things i dislike listening to weird 2000s music is that most of them feature hard to understand lyrics typically in english or other languages, i think the way japanese people pronounce english aesthetically pleasing and in songs the effect doubles but when i try to sing those songs i’m left in the dirt, blabling my way through the song without making any sense of it, it’s like when you like a song and remember it’s rythm but for the love of god you can’t remember it’s lyrics so you just mumble them in a low voice, i hate having to do that.

In the new year’s entry i talked about “Hoshi ni Yuku Kisha” by Harmony Hatch being one of my favourite discoveries of last year but the fact that i can’t sing it at all ’cause it’s lyrics are in english and there’s no record of the japanese lyrics online makes me so mad, i had a similar thing happen to me when i first heard “Tiny Filled Hope” by Teeny Frahoop but in that case i did a really good research on it’s lyrics by going into an old band member’s blog, searching through the blog posts of the year the song was released until i found one talking about the song (that conveniently had the lyrics in it) and to this day i still feel proud of that research i did, i also translated “Citrus” by Kaneko Kiwano by usign a blurry photo of the lyrics she once posted on twitter, i also feel proud about that, but man i can’t seem to find anything on Harmony Hatch, not a single thing, i follow it’s main singer (Kobayashi Shino) on twitter, and of course i’ve stalked her other socialy media outlets but it seems everytime she talks about anything Harmony Hatch related it’s because they are having live (in person) concerts or sales or event attendance, come to think of it that also happens with people like Mini Kyute main singer Shiho-san, she’s got a live only band called Solvay Sweet and once i stayed up late (5 am) just to listen to a preview of their newest song on a radio show she appeared in and nghhhh i want to hear it again but it’s not available anywhere else nghhhhh it’s so painful living here in the third world with our shitty live concerts wich everyone uses as an excuse to get high on drugs while they are there enyoing their Cozy looking mini concerts on some small tea shop, the envy.

Today’s song reference comes from (appropiately) from Kobayashi Shino’s solo album called “Looking for a Key” her voice is so warm and it makes me fly up in the sky, she’s friends with Kaneko Kiwano, my current favourite artist, so that makes her even better.

Random Tought of The Day

“Maybe i should just drop the artist thingie and learn an instrument and get japanese style indie pop popular over here…as if i could”

While in this writing slump i’m having something crossed my mind that i’ve contemplated  a lot lately, it seems that my writing gets worse as i keep writing things, not only my grammar but also the way i explain, descrive and try to tell things, i don’t really know why is it tho, like, 4 years ago when i started writing video essays for my youtube channel i wrote like it was as natural to my as breathing, paragraphs just came to me without even thinking them and i kept a good phase of release with strong themes that i tought where pretty interesting, i tried writing another video essay recently and nothings comes to me at all, whever i feel like there’s something about a piece of media that i really like but no one pays attention to it and i want to explain what makes it so fascinating to me i end up writing unreadable trash that only i understand, it’s not even coherent for someone outside my brain.

You can even see that in the evolution of the diary entries, the first 20 ones are full of interesting things, written in my own style with my weird quirks and everything, recent ones are just bland and uninteresting as if somehow they where written by two different people all together. I know i’m not the same person as i was 10 months ago but i can’t shake the feeling that i’m failing at it, getting worse at writting instead of better just makes me want to quit everything and die alone in a corner (same with the drawings) i don’t know why i’ve got this relationship with the things i do, why do i always waver between doing good and doing awful (same with my mood states) when everyone just gets better as they progresses, it’s like they have a life regulator and somehow i don’t.

One of my greatest fears is one where i commit to something (or get contracted by someone) just to falter and end up doing awful at it, it happened with Patissier classes, i always recieved compliments for my sweets (and i know that they aren’t shallow ones) but then i go and do horrible one day and i end up quitting, even my character is inconsistent sometimes as if Fami isn’t the only one inside of me, and i hate it, its the worst feeling like you are so unreliable, like i’m not enough. Yeah, i’m never enough.

Today’s song reference comes from a COPTER4016882 album called Perfect Joke, Copter4016882 is one of the few lucky units to have been featured in Yasutaka Nakata’s Contemode label (along with Marino, Nagisa Cosmetic and Coltemonikha) so even if i don’t like their music as much as i do other Contemode artist i still have a ton of respect for them.

Random Tought of The Day

“Dammit i forgot the “Random Tought of The Day” section in the previous two entries ngh”

Hello.

Today was a relaxing day again, nothing mindblowing to talk about (Aside from my sudden outbursts of depression and COME BACK TO ME feelings) since the beggining of december of last year i began thinking about leaving the girl i like be and start searching for another potencial partner, i still like her and all but i feel that if i keep seeking her and she keeps avoiding me, even if we had talked about it, i would be heartbroken for the rest of my life, even tho i feel like i can never find another girl like her, i know everyone says this when they are heartbroken but man how can shake that feeling away?

Still, friends tell me that i should just move over and find another person but how i’m i supossed to do that? I mean i’m a NEET, i don’t meet people except for when i go to japanese class and even there all of my classmates are males (School flashbacks) and even if i’ve talked to other girls there they aren’t really my type i and i trully wonder if i’m atractive to any girl out there in this country as i’m such a girly weirdo.

What am i supossed to do then? I don’t really know, but anyways, i should be thinking about my future job and studies instead of my love life man i’m such a damn mess, so yeah, i joined a local game jam and i’m going to be traveling with a friend and some randos in a car to some unknown city to join some other randos so we can try and develope a game in two days, How exiting! (NO) I mean it is exiting just to think about but when i really look at it i’m going to be so stressed out by everthing those days that i’m not really sure about what am i going to do, not to talk about the fact that i need to basically do work for people, the thing that i’m most afraid off, but i did joined anyways because i want to test myself in how far i’ve come after all this time.

Today’s song reference comes from a Three Berry IceCream album called Rain Drops, i chosed it ’cause is Sunday and all.

 

Hey yall, i missed 2 days! Isnt that amazing!? Those are all due to depression, no matter how i try i can’t forget her but still i’m back at it again, writing daily don’t worry.
Still nothing much has happened in these past days, i just kept on cleaning the house and remove christmast decorations, nothing much, on friday tho some things happened and i’ll get to that now.

So my sister was on her class trip, she is in her last grade so on her school they make this “retire trip” so that the whole class may join together emotionally before parting ways when they graduate, personally i think those types of trips have to be done at least once a school year it doesn’t make any sense to my emotionally join the class when they are going to break appart in just a few months but still, they make a long trip to some villa, no cellphone, just themselves, some church people and nature, and as my sister’s school used to be women only and now accepts both genders then i actually can picture it as one of those japanese school trips i see in my japanese mangus and animus.

Actually that sounds really fun going on a school trip to have some fun before being blasted with tests sounds really fun and stress relieving, anyways, on friday she was supossed to arrive at 5 pm we where supossed to be there to greet her (they threw a welcome party and all, how fancy) but before that i needed to get my hair done and my shave done too but i couldn’t shave ’cause my razor is old now and if i’d used it i would have destroyed my face with it, that’s a thing i hate about having hair in my face, every single razor i use destroys my face no matter if its new or old it always does, i need to find the exact sweet spot of sharpness so i can get a clean shave, i hate it so much, so i asked my mother if she could buy my one electric razor just to try and see of it was any better i hope she buys it. Also i couldn’t cut my hair, i’m actually really nitpicky with my hairdressers ’cause mosy of them are actually more experienced with the shitty unkept male colombian hair so i always go with mostly female hairdressers, my majn hairdresser now is also my mother’s so we actually go together whenever we need something but this time i had to go alone and i don’t actually know how to get to her nor i know her address and i forgot to ask my mother for it so yeah, my hair and beard are unkept now and i feel gross.

So yeah, we made a reception for my sister’s class complete with hall of honour and all, it was really emotional, apparently the trip was also really emotional as they had to talk about their feelings for most of it, i wish i had done something similar when i was at school, the most we did was to spend some half a day on some nearby villa, like whatevs.

I feel like, as much as i liked my old school, i think i missed a lot while in it, it was an all-male school after all so i couldn’t let any of my female-like qualities out while in it as i would be labeledbas gay or something, ugh, i hate the typical male attitude so much, i really do.

Today’s song reference comes from the Capsule album FLASHBACK, there’s no extra meaning behind it besides its title.

Again nothing new to report today, i’m spending my days in bed trying to not get depressed and failing horribly, i tried drawing today but i can’t draw for shit lately everything just ends up looking bad an amateurish, i’ve been drawing for 12 years now dammit why am i so bad at it? nghhhhhhhhh.

Yesterday the girl i like uploaded a photo of herself on twitter and maaaan why is she so cute? aaaaaaaaaa i hate myself for still having my hopes up for her to talk to me again, i think she’s over me and is still following me ’cause of formalities, i can’t bare to block or even unfollow her, reading everything she writes just fills my heart with so many wonderful feelings that i can’t handle them.

Friends keep telling me to leave her behind but i just can’t, i know i have talked about this many times but it should be of notice how i keep coming back to it, maybe i’ll just die with this in my chest.

Today’s song reference comes from one of Kaneko Kiwano’s 2019 Monthly Songs Called “Nemuru Purin”, its a song about dreaming and stuff, make that of what you will.

Random Thought of the Day

“Whack me, My Melody, relieve my depression”

Again, nothing much to report today, i did the cleaning up christmas thingie and i’ve got some photos to show.

Here’s the Christmas tree, i admit it may be a little bit to overkill with the deco but it looks lovely anyways (Taking it out was a nightmare tho).

Here’s one of the wreaths, again, it looks overkill in the photo but when you look at it when it’s up decorating it looks lovely, it gives such an elegant vibe to the place.

Here’s one of the Wreaths before i took them down, the Red/green lights come from our audio system as i was listening to music while i did the thing, i hate that audio system ’cause it’s imposible to turn off those lights and it ends up ruining the mood of the place.

Here’s the same wreath on the floor, you can see what i mean when i say is not the same when it’s down than when its decorating, i love the weird combination of colours my Mother used on this one, i could never combine Pink, white, green and gold without it looking like garbage but this one looks so good.

I’m such a fan of these Pink/White flowers, they look so lovely even if the shed a ton of glitter on the floor, i had to sweep it so many times and i’m still finding glitter on my arms while i’m writing this. (Please don’t look at my horrible hairy arms, i hate them too)

Lastly here’s a photo i posted on twitter of me messing arround with the flowers.

Today’s song reference from a Flipper’s Guitar Album called Camera Talk, i chosed it because in this entry has a ton of photos, yep, that’s it.

Random Thought Of The Day

“She uploaded a photo of her today, she is so cute, how can i ever forget about her?”

Nothing much to report today, it’s been one of those days.

Most of it i spent it sleeping and cleaning the house, turns out now that everyone here is working/studying i’ve got to do the house chores, cleaning, dishwashing, take out the dog, cleaning the dog, the only thing that i never do is to cook because i REFUSE to cook anything that isn’t a dessert or a sweet of some kind.

I’ve been tasked to take down out christmas decorations (Yes it’s almost february and we haven’t done it) today i just took out the entrance stuff, some beautiful wreaths with ribbons and stuff man, as my Mother works in the decorative buisiness she is well versed into decorations, our house is full of eastheticaly pleasing stuff that you wouldn’t normally see in other’s, so you could imagine that the way she decours christmas is pretty effing cute and while i can easily aprettiate that i think that while i take it down and dissasemble everything i can take a better look at the trully espectacular way she does things, tomorrow i’ll take down our christmas tree so i’ll try and take a pic of it before i do it.

I wish i could have inherited her decour sense ’cause man do i suck at it, i’ve tried to but everything i do ends up making no sense at all and it looks like a missmash of things, maybe because i never get the things i would want to decorate with (because i’m a guy) so if i ever get the chance to get out of my parents house i wonder what type of decour i would do to my living space, at least i know that White, Grey and Pink would be the base colours for everything i do.

Today’s song reference comes from MEG’s album called STEP, MEG’s music is composed by Yasutaka Nakata and his compositions always remind me of Christmas for some reason (Must be the heavy glacial aesthetic of his work in Coltemonikha)

Random Thought of The Day

“Must be the heat that is destroying my ability to think straight”

I know i promised this entry was going to be about arcades and all (and i’m still gonna write about it) but let me first talk about something, when i first started writing this diary i talked about an experience acompanying my mother and sister to a bershka shop and being overwhelmed by the current fashion being so bad plus the feeling of being surrounded by the feminine vanity, welp i went to the same shop today, my sister wanted to change some clothing she didn’t end up liking plus i had to exchange some pants that my mother bought for me but they where just a little too thight for my body, it’s been almost a year since i first published that entry and in the past if i’d ever to a clothing shop i would just have spaced out or something but having written about my last experience now i have something to compare it to, anyways the point is this time felt different not only because of the speed of fashion trends but because my approach was a little bit different.
This time my main worry was myself, last time i was mainly focusing on what the girls arround me where wearing, now i was just looking at myself on the mirrors all arround the stablishment, i was focused on how my chest is so big and makes me look like an athelete even tho i barely do any exercise, i looked at my weird body shape that is neither slim nor chunky, a weird combination of both that never fully mixes together, i looked at my outfit, never fully commited to any aesthetic but just a mixup of plain looking clothing. The worst part is that last time i was complaining about the lack of “subtle clothing” on the store and it looks like the fashion industry heard my call ’cause the whole store was full of fluffly clothing, baggy looking pants, long sleeved clothes and tons of hoodies and concealing clothing, also tons of grey/white/pink my favourite colours.

I got a little bit depressed thinking about all of the nice looking clothing that my body coudn’t handle, i’ve streamed myself looking at cute clothing and as i have some female viewers they often tell me the clothes are cute but they are not that interested in them ’cause they dont suit them, it sounds dumb but now i really UNDERSTAND why.

Anyways, the arcade talk, it’s weird thinking about it ’cause it makes no sense knowing what my Father is like but i think he is the one that got me into gaming, and he hates videogames now so…
When i was little (Arround 3 or 4 years old?) whenever there was grocery shopping to i went along with my father and after getting whatever we needed he would stop at the arcade machines to play hang on, i remmember he telling me that one of his dreams was to own a poweful bike but as he was now married (And he had putted on a ton of weight) he couldn’t be selfish and buy it, so i guess playing some rounds of hang-on on the arcade was his way of fullfiling his dreams, while i played on the KOF machine, of course.

Later in life i remember going to a Pizzeria that had like 6 cabinets and i remember me and my cousin losing our shit just looking at them, they where mostly counterfeit arcade machines but i wouldn’t know at the time so i thought i was playing the real deal, a Golden axe machine, Marvel vs capcom 2, bubble trouble, Metal Slug 3 and some others i cant remember, we tried them all but golden axe and Bubble trouble would eventually grab most of our time there, we didn’t make it really far on Golden axe but man Bubble trouble, i think we finished the game together on just like 2 or 3 credits, man it was awesome blasting through that game, the sensation of the clicky buttons, the weirdly shaped joystick that i had yet to get used to, the height of the machine obstruckting my full view of the screen, our mothers calling us to eat while we where on the middle of playing maaan such good memories, come to think of it on the way there i spent most of the time playing the pokemon tcg gameboy color game, man am i a true gamer boi or what?

But that was just one little taste of true arcade goodness i would try in some years, later when i was 13-14 i would really begin to aprettiate arcades thanks to my best friend at the time, the dude lived on walking distance of a mall with a mini arcade on it and once he saw some guys prefecting their dance in the DDR machine he tought it was a good idea to take DDR as a replacement for a diet/sport cause he wanted to lose weight, so we went there almost 3 times a week, maaaaan it was awesome getting to know each track like the palm of my hand and then executing it perfectly to then turn the notch to the next difficulty setting and sucking ass at it, aside from that the arcade had the usual Gunblade and Cruisin USA machines we mostly just used the DDR ones, from time to time i would also use the Cruisin USA but next to it was this Daytona 2 machine that i always looked at like if it was the most generic game ever and i would often ignore it, i was such a fool, i would scold my older self so hard if i had the opportunity, now i’m craving a Daytona 1 play and there’s no way i’m gonna get the chance to play it now, what a sad life

Today’s song reference comes from Tomggg’s album called Popteen, the song is called ViVi and i chosed it ’cause Tomggg’s music is mainly electronic sound mixed with cute samples, their songs sound similar to what today’s entry is about.

Random Thought Of The Day

“I can’t get what i want can i?”

IT’S BEEN 18 DAY’S SINCE THE YEAR’S BEGUN I MEAN WHAT WHY IS TIME GOING SO FAST STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP

Hello, Fami here, i made up my mind about this blog so from today on i WILL write here, i’m tired of making promises that i never end up fulfilling BUT NOW IT’S DIFFERENT BECAUSE I’M TIRED OF FEELING SAD AND I WANT TO GET A LITTLE OF THE FEELING THIS BLOG GAVE ME WHEN I FIRST STARTED IT, so i’m going to set an alarm everyday at 6:00 PM on my phone so that i’ll never forget to write at least one word in this.

So okay, what do i’ve got today, so a few days ago i hung out (And spent the night) with some friends at a friends house, my old clasmates to be exact, as i talked before i mostly talk to them on chat ’cause we all live so far away but once (at least) each year we hang out together, we chat, play some games, hang out at the mall and do many other things, it’s quite fun to spend time with some people out of my usual friends circle because i get to be quite another person in front of them. I know that sounds weird but as i explained in one of my videos, i think the concept of the persona (The different personalities that we use to confront different situations) it’s looked down uppon for some weird reason when in reality is way more fun to be able to use different sides of yourself when hanging out with different people, in my usual circle of friends i portray the image of a somewhat calm and chill person but with my old classmates i’m seen as a quite strong opinionated person, it’s not if i’m acting any of those personalities, both of them are me it’s just that i’m able to express each side of myself better depending of the circle of friends i’m with, i’m sure that if you think about it this is also true for you my reader.

So why am i talking about this? Well, i’ve been getting out of my (Male) outwards appearance with my classmates, lately i’m trying some things in regards to my mostly (male) appereance by shaving my beard off consistently, using girly mannerisms at all times (I even got called out by a girl friend for sitting like a girl and i couldn’t be happier for that) and many other things, with my classmates i’ve been trying to be more reserved in my attituted (as i used to be a really spontaneous guy) now i’m keeping myself a little more controlled than before, also this time as i was kinda coughy i tough of buying some mouth masks to do the ultimate weaboo experience and so i did and so it did feel great, wearing a mask allows me to hide half of my male face (wich has the horrible marks of previously cutted face hair) so whenever i looked at myself at the mirror i felt more confident than before, who would have guess that hiding a part of myself behind some cloth would make me so happy?…

Here’s a thing that happened while we where on the mall, as we where walking up to the mall arcade to play some good old arcade games we saw a Miniso store that just recently opened, i’m not a fan of variety stores like Miniso ’cause i think most of the things they sell are way overpriced and as they focus mostly on popular things, and the things i like aren’t usually popular, i’m not really interested in the things they sell, BUT THIS TIME WAS DIFFERENT, i knew it since i saw the store that i needed to get in there, so i half-ly pushed one of my friends in with me so that the whole group would enter the store to see what’s in it, it was mostly plushies, some avangers merch, some Kitty and Gudetama merch and a whole bunch of makeup, i was kinda dissapointed that there wasn’t any My Melody at a first glance so i decided to keep looking arround until i saw it, the big, dumb, round face of My Melo… on a stick, nothing more, just a big ol’ My Melo face on a stick, it was the only My Melo merch in the store so obviously i had to buy it, it think it was pretty cheap anyways (Even if it only was a My Melo face on a stick), it is supossed to be massage hammer (?) the idea is to wack yourself (or your partner) when you’re feeling stressed to liberate some of that with sanrio goodness (or so i think) i mean, i love it.

I was pretty surprised at my friends reaction about my purchase, and i mean at the lack of reaction, most of them tought of it like nothing and i kinda like that, that probably means that none of them would mind it if i acted a little girlier (or so i think), also if you wanna see the My Melo stick there are some photos down on my twitter.

After that we went to the arcade, the last time we went there they had a large collection of classic games like Sega Rally, Crazy Taxy, Daytona 2, Time Crisis, DDR, Gunblade and many more but this time the only “Interesting” machine they had was Time Crisis 5 ’cause they’ve made some space for some bumping cars thingie and maaaan it is such a dissapointment when arcades do that, like, who cares about some dumb bumping cars? and what do they do with the old arcade machines they remove? I NEED MY FIX OF CRAZY TAXY MAN, ugh.

I was planning on talking about arcades but i’ll leave that talk for tomorrow.

Today’s song reference comes from Blueberry, Very Blue’s album called Blue Note, aside from the song title the version of the song in the album is a live recorded one so it feels really improvised and chaotic and i thought i would be a really good fit for this blog entry, if you find the song i would really aprettiate it if you would tell me what you think about it!

Random Thought of the day 

I swear if i had money i would buy those machines out of you, you ungrateful buisiness people

“Well it is 5 AM and i’m sitting there
Mother Nature called my name”

That’s an extract from a song i wrote at the beggining of this year that i still have yet to finish and i think it descrives perfectly what i’m now doing.

I just woke up so don’t worry about me lacking any sleep it’s just that my schedule it’s been really weird all december, i usually go to bed at 11:30 ish and then i wake up at 5:30 or so, seems normal right? thing is after i do my daily morning routine (Walk the dog, make/eat breakfast, talk to my parents, listen to some new music i’ve downloaded) my body just shuts off completely at 12 AM, i start to feel sluggish, i can’t concentrate on anything, i beggin yawning and so on, so i go to bed and sleep until 4 or 6 pm to then again resume whatever i was doing. When i was at school i was like this too, at exactly 12:30 i was completely out of it and my concentration wavered between my fantasies and whatever class i was supossed to be paying attetion to but i never actually slept through class and when i arrived home i never took any naps, the last celphone i had was so runned up that i it’s battery lasted just half a day and i had to charge it twice a day so maybe i’ve become son runned up with things that i’m now exactly like that battery and my life power doesn’t last longer than half a day.

Anyways, as soon as i woke up i remembered that today’s the last day of the year so i thought “maybe it’s a good idea if i write a year summary on the blog” and so here i am once again, typing in this mechanical keyboard that does a ton of noise at 5 in the morning, hopefuly this one is going to be a looong post.

By the way, if i ever come back to writing here again i’ll start explaining the song references on the posts title, today’s reference comes from a song on Witches Party EP by HNC (Hazel Nuts Chocolate) called “5 Years Time”, the main reason i choosed it was obviously because of the tile but it has a bit of a deeper meaning than that, Witches Party EP is not the usual HNC album, while they tend to be these extremely lively albums where every single song is a happy go lucky one with sugary sparkly accents that scream it’s creators inner child Witches Party is anything but that, songs like “I Dream I Dead”, “Night Thoughts” and “Floating Bananas” are centered about Depression and Dreams, they have a ton of echo, reverb, melancholy and introspection and their vocals are dreamy, distant and whispery, like if Yuppa herself drilled an Auxiliary port in her head and recorded the sounds of her dreams, anyways, after going through those 3 songs the next one (5 Years Time) is this explosive song that has like 80 million parts playing at the same time, it’s production is LOUD AS FUCK so i think this song (and it’s placement as the last song in the EP) parallels my current situation of waking up really early to write this.

Okay so first let’s start this year summary by adressing the elephant in the room, my last post and my suicidal thoughts, and that’s to say i don’t actually regret writing any of that, i really planned on killing myself next year when everyone graduates but the thing is that that suicidal thought made it to my parents, while having dinner i slip it on a conversation ’cause i’m dumb and i like to joke about those things but they actually took it serious so i was pressured into telling them about the plan, i told them about how hopless i feel, about how frustrated i was at the fact that every single plan i made this year failed, about me giving up on becoming anything at all because of my skill level being insuficient to support my life and how i was unable to work because of my anxieties, i told them how awful those things made me feel, how i was anxious about my little sister graduating from school next year and how that meant that if i got into college that same year it was going to be hell for them to pay twice as much, i told them that the only way out of this sadness and pressure i was putting on myself and on my parents wallet was to just kill myself and dissapear as soon as i could.

Obviously they got mad at me, they cried and they where frustrated at their lack of supporting words, i mean, they tried everything these past 4 years and none of it had worked. But they kept trying to cheer me up, trying even tho everything they said made no sense at all and they knew it, they kept on trying, i can just barely imagine how must it feel, your own son telling you about how he wants to kill himself and no matter how you try to support him none of it goes through his head, it must feel awful, i have always respected my parents, i think they are the best people there has ever been just because they are able to go through all of my bullshit (old and new) and they still love me, man, why am i surrounded by the most beautiful people ever?

We talked about it until i calmed down and they manage to convince me of not ending my life, i’m still sad tho, i feel worthless, and i don’t know if i’ll be able to live like this any longer, and i’m now afraid of my future self, what will i do when the day everyone graduates comes arround? even if now i’m not thinking of killing myself, will i be able to repress those feelings when that day comes?

This year is the loneliest i’ve had in my life, i’ve been less in touch with my best friends because they are now at the doors of the adult world and most of them have jobs and important work to do, now they don’t have the time at all to be meeting up to do things, i still talk through online calls with them tho, almost daily, but i can’t shake that feeling of loneliness comes from having someone by your side suddenly leaving and not comming back.

I also have an online presence (As small as it is) because of my streams and obviously an streamer’s job is to talk to people so three years ago when i started streaming my drawings on twitch i began talking to a ton of people, some of them became amazing friends that i hold dear in my heart and i used to talk to them at high night hours and it was pretty comfy, i remember doing children songs karaoke with a friend, or that time i got banished to a place far away (milky way) from home and i talked to them on my celphone or those multiple nights where i used to hear one of my friends vent endlessly for 3 hours straight.
This year most of them stopped talking to me, mostly because, again, they are entering the adult world and almost all of them are working or busy with college, and i truly respect that but man would it kill to message me every once in a while? And i tried to talk to some of them but either they just wouldn’t reply at all or just replied with the most cold messages ever and as i am the worst at comunicating with people i would get discouraged by it and never text any of them again.

One day a friend, while on stream, told me that maybe people stopped talking to me because of my depression and the way i talk about it, and i get that, i can see why people would avoid me ’cause i only talk about depresive stuff plus i make really bad jokes, also i know nothing about the world and the only things i really care about are things that only i care about so talking about them is really difficult with them (with my other friends too). That’s why i say that i’m the most selfish person on earth, i only care about my mental health, my hobies and nothing else, i know nothing about taking care of people or being a good chat, maybe i’m kind of a good listener but i mean everyone is. So if you ever wondered why i take those “Social media breaks” i do the real reason behind them is because i don’t want my friends to deal with my bullshit and i want to suffer alone.

Anyways, i want to talk to them again but before doing that maybe i should fix my attitude, so i’ll try to hide my sadness?? aaaaa i don’t know how should i do this but i am doing it anyways.

I’ve been writing this since 5 AM (obviously little by little) it is now 11:41 AM while listening to some stream plus my soundcloud playlist, and i just noticed i’m doing this so i’ll talk about it but when i feel stressed or just overwhelmed i tend to just play every single piece of audio media i can at the same time, i don’t really know why i do that but when i’m drawing or something and get stucked on something i just open up youtube and play like 3 videos at the same time plus some music and it ends up being really noisy and way more stresful, man, i’m going insane i swear.

Talking about relationships, i’m still in love with that girl, yeah i’m an idiot for still having hope but i can’t help it, whenever i try to forget about her i go to bed an inmediately i get overwhelmed by thought about her, some stream viewers told me to just block her or something but i can’t possibly do that, i feel like reading her all of my life. Although i regret it each night when my heart beats like crazy and i think “Maybe if i message her again…” and nghhh it’s frustrating not being able to do anything about it so i guess i’ll just have to swallow it up.

Let’s talk about my favourite music i’ve listened this year then (So that i forget about her), man what a rambly diary entry.

This year has been pretty bad in terms of “ammount” of music i listened, i just mainly listened to 74 Albums all year, it sounds really good until you find out that most of them where all complete discographies, i listened to the Kyary Pamyu Pamyu one (i’ve had it pending for like 2 years already), the Hi hi Puffy Amiyumi one because i don’t know and lastly the Tokyo Girl’s Style one because i loved READY GO! but nothing else, the rest of the albums where just one offs of some early 2000s japanese indie bands, some highlights where “The Caraway” by the Caraway, “Chelsea Wood” by Cinnamon Toast Crunch, “Reflection” by Tokyo Girl’s Style, “Summer Vacation, Sunset Vehicle” by Spaghetti Vanube!, “Boy to Man” by Arigarnon Friends, “Natsumelo” by Natsume Mito, “Hue” by Mili, Lust by Meishi Smile, Postgazer, California Roma and more.

Now, here’s my top 10 songs i listened to this year, most of them i’ve fangirl over and over on twitter so don’t expect anything mindblowing, also i’ll try to link them if they are available online.

Top 10: MASH – Hikarikagayaku Asu He

I catched this song on some soundcloud playlist and maaaaan the vibe, this song feels like laying down on the ground while stargazing, i’ve never liked japanese rap because i feel like they try really hard to make their lyrics rhyme and they end up ruining the flow and pronuntiation, this does not apply to this song tho, Mash’s rapping feels natural and rhymes hit really hard plus the lyrics man, they are awesome, they tell this story about losing all hope thanks to the guilt of having been a really shit person in the past but one day just by sheer force of will getting out of that miserable state.

季節は夏だと言うのにさ

部屋から出ない24時間

万年床に締め切ったカーテン

誰にも会いたくないな

Top 9: Venus Peter – 15th Trumpet

Venus Peter is a band heavily influenced by Flipper’s Guitar, the fathers of the Shibuya-kei genere so of course they are mainly known for their Shibuya-kei albums, they’ve been mostly inactive during the 2010s appearing in some lives and stuff but this year they released this song and man does it feel like the 90s never endend, mellow guitars, a really slow and trippy tempo, deep bass and of course, an harmonica. Not only does the song feels like a never released 90s shibuya-kei one but its lyrics allude to that era with parts like “The parting day came, and being unable to say goodbye i wavered my hand until i died” or “Even if the end comes it will never begin”.

１５ｔｈ　Trumpet

カラフルなトーンで

みじめな夜を塗りつぶそう

Top 8: Serani Poji – Eve

I’ve already listened to Eve before in form of a funky high energy remix and i liked it but when i listened to the original song i just melted, Eve’s lyrics are the most beautiful and sad lyrics i’ve read, the melody is slow without it being boring thanks to some techno trappings (it’s Serani Poji, i mean) and YUKI’s vocals are just superb, the way this song is layed out allows her to change tones without ruining the tempo so her voice shines really bright. I’ll leave it with this, the first time i payed attention to this song’s lyrics i cried, that’s how good it is.

ここにサボテンを植えよう

そして毎日ここに来よう

この下に最後のアダム

ワタシに口づけをした

Top 7: Dinosaur Jr. – The Lung

Never have i ever listened to a song intro that gets me this hyped, it’s perfect, it encapsulates what it feels to be walking home, alone, while my head fills with depressive thoughts and existencial bullshit, man, i love this song’s intro with all of my soul, the rest of the song is also pretty good with some great riffs and also one of the best guitar solos ever, the song has barely no lyrics, just a phrase that repeats many times, but that one phrase says it all.

No where to collapse the Lung

Breathes a doubt in everyone

Top 6: Advantage Lucy – Memai

Another Shibuya-kei centric band, of course i would obsess over one of their songs, dreamy guitars, trumpets, melacholy and the passage of time. I read about Memai in a blog by a guy that lived in japan arround the time these bands where active and he blogged about their gigs and stuff, he mentioned a friend of his that was inspired by Advantage Lucy, specifically Memai, to write lyrics that used more intrinsic words so that it would feel like entering someone’s head, Memai’s lyrics are written in a way that it feels way more of a confession than anything else, i was able to relate really hard to it’s lyrics because of that.

二人の季節が戻ればと

思った私はずるい

Top 5: Fulling Cat Mark – Lucia

Fulling Cat Mark is a circle centered arround doing Touhou arrangements mixed in with some Shibuya-kei classics, i’ve known about them for a long time now but i never thought of them as “Kami-type” or anything until i listened to Lucia.
I’ve never liked overly cutesy songs ’cause i think they are made so they can lure some kimo-otas into buying their albums at Comiket with the premise of “Don’t you want to shake this cute vocalist hand?”, basically almost all of Kana Hanazawa’s songs, but listening to Lucia has really opened my mind about it, the song is so honest, using picopop trappings, a bass centric compossition and the cutest keyboards out there. The song’s lyrics are about a small ballet dancer doing her best to shine on the stage for her loved one, with that premise i actually think the overly cutesy vocals work really nice, plus the song lyrics uses french and english Coltemonikhisms and if i ever hear Coltemonikhisms in a song i instantly fav it.

Tonight…呼吸を止めて

震える足先不安と恐怖を

Brave…チャンスを掴み取るの

ルチア必ず私やれるわ

Top 4: Arigarnon Friends – Come Back

I tend to like two types of songs, songs that make you dream of sugary star glittered milky way and songs that make you scream your lungs out, this one is special because even if it isn’t scream out loud as any of the Perfect Pussy songs or Shinsei Kamattechan thingies i feel like this one gets all of the shit out of my head in a more controlled manner, guitars roar with the vocals, with me, we all roar as we feel that COME BACK TO ME!

あぁ家に帰り

夢を見ても

すぐに覚める

Top 3: Hi-posi – Sonaeyotsuneni / Atashi no Select

Denpa music is supossed to be this crazy journey through insanity but i never looked at it that way, i think otakuish denpa is just like that because of the sense of pride they feel in taking part of that “weird people” group, is not insanity because it’s controlled by their otaku pride, Sonaeyotsuneni and Atashi no Select feel more like insanity to me, their composition is all over the place, volume goes up and down at all places, beeps stay sharp, sting and beets repeat themselves endlessly, Sonaeyotsuneni is about a starved frenzy for happiness and Atashi no Select is about beating yourself up out of guilt, i don’t know wich one is the weirdest so i think both of them go here.

しあわせはだれかのため

しあわせはなにかのため

しあわせはわたしのため

しあわせはすべてのため

Top 2: Kaneko Kiwano – Citrus

Kaneko Kiwano has quickly become one of my all time favourite artists, she doesn’t have amazing lyric writing skills that blow your mind nor she is prodigy of music composition that writes genious music but what she does have is the most unique flavour of music that i’ve ever tasted, the best word i could use to descrive her music is “Homemade” hearing her voice, tasting the way she writes and composes is like eating the most fluffy, sugary sweets, they calm my heart, heal my soul and cure my head. Citrus is just a song i happen to really relate to, it’s about that awkward time before a love confession, that time when everything feels good and stressful at the same time.

君をいろどってる香り　

まとってるのは誰のため？

Top 1: Harmony Hatch – Hoshi ni Yuku Kisha

What could i say about this song, if i placed Kaneko Kiwano as one of my all time favourite artist but my favourite song of hers is still on second place what could possibly be on the first place? Well, Harmony Hatch’s Hoshi ni Yuku Kisha. Harmony Hatch is a 2000s band that i’ve yet to listen to a full album of (Mainly because they are impossible to find on the internet) even tho they have been fairly active in the 2010s, their vocalist, Kobayashi Shino is also an artist i really like, i found out about the band while i was reading about her and found only two songs that i could listen to, Keep Eating and Hoshi ni Yuku Kisha, the latter’s MV (That had never been released until now) was uploaded by Philia Records (Kobayashi’s Label) on January of this year, i tell you about this ’cause i want you to know how weird it is that a band from the 2000s that almost no one knows about, that i could never have found out about if i haven’t obsessed over Kobayashi is able to deliver a song that impacts me this way.
How should i descrive why i like this song then? Maybe it’s Kobayashi’s voice, maybe it’s the nostalgic feeling the guitar creates, maybe is the little sparkly star effects, maybe it’s the uplifting rhythm, I can’t understand the lyrics ’cause they are all in engrish and it’s lyrics aren’t available online… this song just makes me feel good.

Come to think of it i also attended a ton of concerts this year didn’t i? 2 Taiko ones, a Koto one, a Violin and piano one and that tribute to Cowboy Bebop one, i missed Margarita Siempre Viva’s live tho, man that still stings.

Okay that’s it for the break, now let’s get back to the depressive stuff.

One of the things that has marked the year for me is the fact that every single plan i made ended up failing, the year started fairly normal, i was studying japanese and baking so i had fallen into a normal persons daily rythm, and it felt pretty good being able to be an almost functioning member of society, later in the year i decided to finally face my gender disphoria and so i began writing this diary on april after a fated visit to Bershka, i really enjoyed the two months that i diligently wrote on this diary, it felt like i had a place to finally express all of the stupid things i had inside instead of just having inner conversations with myself all the time, that’s the reason why the diary is public instead of just private, i feel like if it where private it wouldn’t be any different to talking to myself, arround that time i made a cute connection with the girl i like by means of really shy tweets until i got fed up with the intrigue and ended up telling her i liked her, and you know the rest of it, the months after May tho, they where brutal, in June my japanese study class ended up falling appart ’cause we weren’t enough students to hold up the schedule we had (we were only 2 dudes) so they ended up transfering us to a “only in saturday” class, at the same time i had finished my Baking class semester and the lead cheff told me that he would get me a scholarship for next semester if i transfered to the gastronomy course while still having baking classes and i accepted ’cause i had already refused an scholarship before and i regretted it, later i will find out that i suck at gastronomy (mainly because i only care about sweets) so each time i went to class i was that guy that knew nothing about anything that everyone looks at and thinks “What is that guy doing here?” so i had to pull every single ounce of my strenght to ask the lead cheff to change me back to only baking class even if i lost the scholarship, and so i did but when i came back suddenly there was something really off about me and i ended up making a mess out of everything and leaving class crying to never come back again, i don’t really remember if i wrote about it in this diary but if you are interested in the details you should check the other entries.

In July i was supossed to head out to Spain for a couple of months, my mother had always wanted to get me out of the country (Mainly because i’ve never been out of the country) so she asked a friend of hers if she could take care of me (and by take care i mean just lend shelter) for two months and she accepted and i was ready to go to spain until suddenly pfftyfysuasdji and everything went south and a ton of problems came up and then i couldn’t make the trip, nice, also, last month my mother told me about a charity sale my town was having and she was asking me if i could draw a christmas card so that she could sell at the event, i accepted and started working on it, i finished the thing in like a week and she was really happy with it and surprisingly i was also really happy with it ’cause it features my original mascot designs and i really like them and they look really nice on a christmas card so i was looking forward to seeing the card printed! until the charity thing was cancelled i don’t know why, i ended up posting the card’s design on twitter but only four people fav’ed it so i guess it wouldn’t have sold at all, hahahaha, nice.

And in the subject of drawing, man this year has been really bad for it, i’m proud of some of the things i drew this year like the Onpu-comic i made and the Summer Camp Island one but other than that i just OC’ed my way through 2019, even tho i’m proud of the OCs i made this year (I actually think they are the best i’ve made ever) i still feel like i didn’t do anything all year, i mentioned this to an artist friend of mine and he told me something like “Dude you are the only insane person i know that draws 41 OCs and still says he hasn’t done anything” and that was before i made the fighting game chara-designs or the Famifriends chara-designs or the weird haired one that i’ve been drawing lately. So even tho i feel like i didn’t draw that much this year when i look back at the characters i’ve created (mostly the fightning game ones) i feel like at least i didn’t waste my entire year.

So yeah, i think i’m gonna leave it at that, i’ve got a few things left to say but maybe this post is already too long so i’ll talk about them another day, looking back at this year i find that it’s been so hellish that the only months i truly remember are April, May and December, most of the year has been so sad that i don’t even want to remember anything of them. The only time i will remember forever is when i had just confessed to her and we started talking, those few weeks we shared thoughts, interests and worries have eclipsed anything else, and i wouldnt want it in any other way.