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Diary of Becoming a Princess – July 23 2026 – f(ake).

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So going back to me being unable to deal with frustration these past few days i’ve been having a bad streak of non-stop “Gotta deal with this to get that but after doing that now this is broken” and so on and it’s been so frustrating to the point of me getting a little irritated, to put you in context even though i’ve nowhere near an expert in nothing at all i know my fair share of things about almost everything there is tho know about, i know about computers (both software and hardware), electrical circuits, wood making, law, teaching and many other things. Knowing all of these to a certain extent has allowed me to help in the family business in many areas that would otherwise need work from some expert on the field that would probably demand their fair pay, for example i installed both the store’s IP cameras and their accompanying DVR (The CAT cable had already been routed for it when we got it from the previous owner so i just installed the mounts on the cieling, established the connections, focused the lenses and set up the network stream), i also set up an Inventory manager with a web client that has cut so much time off the monthly inventory check… that i run, and as you may already know i also run some at home services from our furniture store that involve seeing the viability of complete furniture restorations and it’s many characteristic such as wood color and assessment of structural damage aaaaaand i also do customer service and order/delivering managing and so on and so on… it sounds like i do a lot but in reality most of that work is so simple that i really think anyone can do it, i’m just the only person in the store with enough availability and overall knowledge to do it when our true experts are busy doing whatever.

Anyways what i wanted to tell you about is that recently the DVR on the cameras started to act weirdly, first it started to cut signal from one of the cameras intermittently and then like a week later it reset itself and started to ask for a password for everything other than looking at the cameras (We got the DVR from a previous store from our brand that had closed but it never asked for a password or anything up until now i guess somehow it’s security measures kicked up almost 5 years later????), and so i tried to fix it IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS, i first looked at the usual stuff like default admin passwords and such but when that didn’t work i started to browse github looking for network related solutions but that didn’t work either and so i began to get frustrated and so i went to try and look at the DVR’s internals and so i had to disconnect everything up (That is SUCH A TEDIOUS PROCESS YOU CAN’T EVEN IMAGINE) and after resetting some connections, looking at the health status of the HDD, running some factory reset stuff from the motherboard directly and much more stuff… welp i just couldn’t find a solution and i got so frustrated that i just decided to leave it at that and so i went to connect the IP cameras once again (I swear it is such a tedious process) and lo and behold now one of the cameras doesn’t output video, so i stared thinking about what could have gone wrong and i thought that maybe it was the Balum’s connector that had maybe went bad after i had pulled it out the DVR cause after years of not touching those they get full of dust that makes them really stick to it’s connector and you really need to pull hard on those, so i thought welp maybe i just need to get some new Balums and tadá problem fixed, so next day i go to the local IP camera store, get some, and then go back to install them again aaaaaaaaandddd… it doesn’t work, then i star mixing and matching cables with balums and some of the copper wire on them break and so i have to strip them once again and i end up cutting myself with the cutter andaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa… in the end it didn’t work, so now we have 1 less camera that we once had before and i find it so frustrating because it was basically my fault for messing with the DVR (even though it broke itself). To add up to that recently the mini wifi card of one of our AIO’s went bad and so i tried to fix it by looking at driver stuff that didn’t work of course so i went to look at the hardware and i wasn’t aware of how tedious the disassembly of an AIO was, man those things are full of a mismatch of plastic junctions coupled with like 4 differnt type of screws of which 2 of the i didn’t have the proper driver for and so i went to buy some and then i came back and so i tested the mini wifi card and it was bad and so i went to the city center to look for replacements but nobody had them (It’s a 2016 AIO, of course no one had them) and so i had to settle for a usb wifi dongle that was like 5 more bucks that i had budgeted from looking at replacements online and MAN do things like that frustrate me, not having the proper tools to work on something while also not getting the parts that i need for something just to then having to settle for something worse that the original AHG.

But what frustrates me the most is that due to my lack of deeper knowledge of this stuff i am probably not looking at the easiest and cost effective solution, i know that someone who has more experience than me may look at our troubles and will be able to tell what the best course of action is, and really i don’t mind paying experts to do their thing but when i encounter something so close withing my reach but just a little bit too far for me to properly grab it.. idk… i just start feeling like i may be a little bit too useless for this earth.

Thought of the Day

The worst part of working with networking hardware is the dust that those things gather… and the finger pain from having to press little levers really hard when setting the cables… and cable management… and…

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Diary of Becoming a Princess – July 21 2026 – Umi no Iro Fukaku.

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Nothing that interesting to talk about today but from sometime ago i have been struggling to find about music that i really like, i cannot say that i’ve exhausted each and every single one of the indie JP bands from the 90s – 2000s because i’m sure there’s some i’ve yet to hear about that would probably blow my mind out but after exhausting the releases from labels like Koga, Contemode, D-topia, Sucre and many more i feel like the only other avenue for the type of music that i like (Anything that can be described as J-indie) is for me to go scratch the infinite mines of twitter in search for individual not so popular creators, that’s how i found about Kinoue64, Cyber Milk Chan, Chelsea Terrace and Kung Fu Girl, it’s just that that whole process takes way to much time and effort and even if i one of the line of thought that those searching for music in such extraneous circumstances can make for a better experience than just finding a recommendation from some algorithm, it’s just that sometimes i wish i had a clear list of things to check out, a clear defined line of progress in the Japanese indie music scene that i could just trace it’s traces.

In the past i used to not just check label records but also i used to check many different things about each artist like previous works before their “main” act, Various Artist compilations that they appeared in (those are extremely useful in finding cool new sounds, i wished people did them more these days) and also i would each each artist individual social media outlets and i kept a keen eye to any other collaboration or shared live event with other artist to get deeper into the scene via a connection proxy. Man, the amount of extremely cool stuff I’ve found about just by following the social circle of some random artist on twitter it’s so big that i couldn’t even begin to tell you about it, I’ve held DM’d conversations with my favorite artist just because i commented something on twitter, some other artist commented something about one of my song translations of their songs and I’ve even gotten a full discography signed by 3 of my favorite artist just because they really appreciated my enthusiasm for their music. Sometimes i feel like a really creepy stalker always on the look for some cool scoop but still, if it weren’t for that i wouldn’t be such a j-music nerd so whatevs. At some point when i began to feel like that huge world of music had shrinked a little bit i began to regularly look into Doujin music DC servers and literally downloading and listening every single album i found remotely interesting, and that has given its fruits too, i got to know Greyl, Yatsuken, Nonorain and Super Shrimp that way, but it’s just that looking for music that way has it’s disadvantages like most of it being rearrangements of the same old Touhou project music and MOST of it being whatever sounding EDM while also being SO MUCH MUSIC, i kid you not when i used to be more on top of the updates i would end up listening to arround 3 to 4 new albums daily, idk about you but that it’s just to much music for me. Although i must say that since like 2 years ago I’ve stopped looking at those servers so maybe my complaints can easily be resolved by getting my bum to be vigilant of those updates once again.

Lately (and i mean ever since 2023) i’ve also gotten to know, and gotten to really appretiate, music that I’ve never thought i would have liked through the magic of an streamed event organized by a japanese bar named NOON, the event is called Anorak Days and it’s mostly a group of DJs playing their favorite Indie Pop European bands from the 80s and 90s, i find that these events are the best way to get to know this specific genre of music do to it being a HIGHLY curated list of what the most avid fans of the genre can offer, and believe me they are literally the most hardcore fanboys of music i’ve ever seen in my life, every single track they play comes from it’s respective album vinyl and it’s a soft spoken rule that none of the albums may ever repeat ever, and let me tell you i’ve look around for listings for some of these vinyls and OH BOY they are either crazy expensive or the last listing ever known to man was from 2010, these people are DIEHARDS for this music. If you ever feel like listening to something new but nostalgic feeling i encourage you strongly to check out Anorak Day’s youtube channel, they have uploaded most of their events to youtube so you can treat them as a playlist of sorts, they are also perfect for those home alone days where you need to do the chores to some danceable tunes, i swear if i ever get to attend those events you are definitely see me on the dance floor even if my dance ability is comparable to an ant’s.

Lastly some days ago while reading some stuff with my partner they had a playlist of pico-shibuya tunes on the background and as we where screen sharing i was also listening to it as well and as i was in my element i was literally singing every single song that came up until a song i couldn’t recognize came up and oh my i fell in love with it so quickly i had to pause our reading just to tell her to show me the song title and artist… thing is, it was from an artist i’ve already went over their discography before and somehow that song had escaped my knowledge, i can’t fathom why that song didn’t stuck with me, maybe it was because when i used to systematically go completing lists and lists of albums i would hear them while i was streaming my drawing over twitch so maybe that song escaped me when i was talking with people? although i don’t really think that’s it since i’ve been known to pause everything at any moment if i ever listen to a song i’ve never heard before that i’ve thought as cool. So that made me think about that maybe i should do a little re-listen to everything i’ve heard until today just to see if maybe i’m missing something that will maybe change my life for the next months or so.

Now this is the part where i wished i had more readers to ask about their music discovery process, how do yall go about it? Do you all do anything from the stuff i’ve mentioned? do you leave your music destiny up to an algorithm? Let me know! (hah)

Thought of the Day

Sometimes i wonder if my world’s just too closed for it to be any good to me, but then i think about just how big that world is and about just how many of my favorite things I’ve yet to meet and so my anxieties disappear by the world’s shore, they become bubbles that dissipate when the ocean and the land meet.

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Diary of Becoming a Princess – July 20 2026 – Hikari no Kioku to Shinkokyuu.

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Yesterday morning i got hit with a wave of nostalgia for my streaming era (Yes, again) and so i remembered the time i used to stream up to way up late in the night and so from time to time when i was in the mood for it as i was about to end my main stream i switch to my phone and streamed from it the sunrise from my room’s balcony, it was a kind of therapeutic thing that i had done before many a times when i was feeling kinda blue and my phantoms begged for attention during my bedtime until the sun started showing itself, i find that there’s this ethereal time when night ends and morning begins where somehow everything seems to be stuck in time, there’s no sound, no movement, no thinking, no heat, only the shapes that contour our vision shaded in a deeply melancholic blue that permeates even the lack of time, and so when i reach that special time my body kinda relaxes a lot, i don’t know if it is the effect of said special time or if it is the combination of my lack of sleep with the overall exhaustion of an always running brain but in that moment i stop overthinking everything and my body relaxes all of its muscles, then i begin talking about a random string of unending topics that never cease.

Back then i had a pretty decently dedicated following on twitch so when i streamed that i got up to 6 to 10 people all chatting with me while looking at the special time pass by, and since most of my followers on twitch end up becoming good friends of mine we ended up talking a lot about many many different topics, somehow i find those type of interactions way way easier to handle than normal “everyday” social performing even if the pace its often dictated by whatever random message i read… now that i deeply think about it maybe that’s no it really? I mean whenever i stream that or other times when i stream random “walking through x neighborhood in japan” or “Japanese christmas illumination” i end up yapping a heck of a lot of things that are hardly connected to anything at all, some times i also comment on whatever i’m looking at in the video but most of the time the things that appear in them make my brain connect its different nodes in ways not even god is able to decipher, it’s like one of those japanese games to decide stuff where there’s lines connecting to certain words and little bridges between them that add a random factor to the traced line, only that in my case the lines are way to tangled to bother trying to understand them.

Now that i’m remembering those streams i get kind of sad that twitch just deletes everything that you don’t expressly download for yourself, i have so many memories of those streams, jokes, parts where my background music synches with the video and it all became beautifully backed, times where i became too emotional and began crying, parts where i greeted or got greeted by someone i hadn’t seen in a while and so many more memories that i wished would have been preserved giving that they where made through a digital medium, but alas, they all have banished forever from twitches memories and some of it’s moments have banished too from mine. It’s so sad to think about it. At least some of those clips still remain in the clip section of twitch due to they being short enough to not be systematically deleted from existence, although it is not solace for me at least they can help me remember those good times with more detail than my faulty memory can.

Anyways, what i wanted to say is that i actually streamed from my balcony this sunday morning again, while looking at the sky waiting for the sun to come up i talked with my partner about whatever stuff came up and then some minutes later two of my old friend came to say hi and so we had a convo about different stuff just like old times and it felt… amazing, it felt so fresh even after all these years and so it made me feel like doing something stream related again, i am not sure of what to do but i’ll think about it and try later. If you wanna watch some of yesterday’s stream you can go to this link, i’m sorry if you are reading this in the future but due to twitch related reasons it will probably be offline, sorry.

Also today i got back to typeset our Kisekae Yuka-chan translation again, hope i get to finish it this time and upload it somewhere! (I hate mangad*x so much)

Thought of the Day

I don’t really get how corporate nostalgia is way more popular than personal nostalgia, stop trying to sell me my good times back to me, i just care about my memories of it and nothing else!

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Diary of Becoming a Princess – July 17 2026 – Bouenkyou Nozoite.

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I checked my WordPress stats after finishing yesterdays entry just because i was curious about how much i was writing on each one mainly because i take way too long writing them and by the end when i check back on the editor it looks like a really long insufferable wall of text, that is because when i write somehow i end up splicing my topics up on top of each other, let’s say that i am talking about idk some ice cream brand, first i share my superficial thoughts on ice cream, then i recall an anecdote with something related to ice cream in it and then i share some thoughts and conclusions that came to me while writing about said ice cream. In the middle of that i may pause myself to talk about something completely different that has almost no correlation to the main idea just because in the previous paragraphs there would probably be some word that would trigger something in my memory and so i may end up sharing that as well. In the end my entries end up being 20% introduction, 60% anecdote, 20% conclusion…I am not sure about how to feel about that so you be the judge.

So my stats were less posts that i thought they were the last time i took my diary seriously. In 2019 (God it’s been THAT long?) i made 56 total posts that had around 47,833 words between them with an average of 854 words per post, take into account that my writing back in the day was more emotional and more on the venting side of the composition because at the time i thought that was the best way to describe how i was feeling, i wanted my readers to feel like they were peaking into a 15 year old’s diary full of kaomoji, onomatopoeia and endless rambling. Looking back at it i wished i had learned HTML way back when i was that age so that i would have a functioning website by now and so it would have reflected the aesthetic i wanted it to but alas, I’m currently tired of trying to do stuff that i don’t know how to do at all on neocities as well, so far I’ve got basic structures and stuff like that but the more complex stuff is just too far away from my reach rn so i haven’t been working on it lately.

2020’s stats are kinda of depressing really, that’s not only the year Covid got a hold of all of our lives so one would think i would have more time to write about my thoughts and all that but in reality the constant me being with me while chatting with me situation of being four-walled with myself inside didn’t help, i also add the fact that that year was a struggle and a half for my heart (Got my heart broken, broke someone’s heart and then i broke my heart myself) so the stats really reflect that, 14 posts with 8,970 words on them averaging 641 words per entry, pretty pathetic may i say. After that there would be an astonishing 5 year gap (even i was surprised to see that it had been 5 years since then) were my main source of expression was rolling in bed, venting sometimes to my friend who i was in love with and a constant seeking for companionship in my discord server’s voice chat.

This year tho as i mentioned on the first entry i made since my comeback, i came back encouraged by my partner to try and regain that part of myself that i thought was lost in the transition of becoming a apparently functional human being, since my main goal was to try and regain not only my expressiveness but also to satiate my need for overanalyzing each and every single aspect of my life without it all disappearing in the corrupted memory sector of my brain, so as i said before to every single one of my readers that are able to compare my 2 different styles i hope that you are not tired by now of stupid sway of words over here. Anyways, stats, i’ve made over 40 posts this year between the 2 months i’ve been writing with 44,755 words between them averaging 1,119 words each. Seeing those stats made me realize something really funny and that is that if i’ve had been writing that amount of words per day on a novel instead of a diary i would be approaching the halfway mark of your average 250 page novel. So yeah i’ve been writing a heck of a lot of bullcrap.

I’ve got ideas for novels and stories i’ve wanted to tell (actually just one, heh) so when i think about those numbers i end up wondering if i should just try to write something just to see how it turns out, but then i think about my redaction and my orthography and almost complete lack of storytelling ability (you can tell by whenever i write my anecdotes) and i kind of get discouraged by that, back then when i was in school i used to take advantage of downtime between classes to read MLP fanfiction (also whenever i would finish a test early i would always bring some Lanove with me to kill time while my classmates finished theirs), while also staying way up late reading whatever Key visual novel i was into at the time, so i’ve always thought about the possibility of my fiction writing being strongly influenced by that and i kinda don’t want it to? Mainly because what i used to read was trashy stuff so i fear my stuff coming out the same. I once tried to write something and have one of my friends read it and they told me something like “You writing reads exactly like an anime looks” and that just killed my drive forever i guess. But also it’s the fact that even if i really enjoy writing i just feel like the visual arts are my call instead… man it’s just that i find every single art medium to be so interesting and beautiful and aaaaaaaa… i wished i had 5 brains.

Thought of the Day

If you are a writer or any kind of artist i respect you so much you don’t even know it.

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Diary of Becoming a Princess – July 16 2026 – Don’t Ask Me to Explain.

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I’m getting too tired on the weeks nights so i’m missing my schedule for writing, yesterday’s i’ll blame it on still being on the final recovery part of my sickness but still lately after arriving home from work and having dinner if i ever dare to touch a single atom of my bed i immediately get sleepy, then i end up laying in bed to then fall asleep soon after… thing is, i barely sleep a half an hour at most, and then i stay awake until around 3 am doing other stuff… its so weird like one would think that if i’m tired i would just go on sleeping all night or that i would feel extremely tired as i get deeper into the night but nop, i’m perfectly fine, sometimes i even go a little overboard and end up falling asleep way later (i don’t know how much since i don’t like looking at the clock when i’m trying to sleep) and next morning i am perfectly fine and functional, i guess years and years of being an extreme night owl have conditioned my body to these types of conditions?

Like way back when i was teaching Japanese my anxieties used to get to me so hard that i mostly didn’t sleep at all the night before i was schedule to host a class, my thoughts of “Was the things that i prepared for class today where enough?” “Can my students understand this or would they think this is too hard for them?” “Is this fun enough of a topic or my ways of teaching are too antiquated?” and so my head kept circling itself until the sun went up in the sky and i had no other choice but to get up and go. Considering also that i had to commute far away from home on public transit it’s a miracle i made it there at all, let alone that i was able to teach anything, but funnily enough while i was teaching and getting lectured about how to teach and all of that i didn’t felt tired at all. I remember my Japanese mentor, let’s call them Mary, used to lay straight on the cold floor of the teacher’s room right after morning classes were over until the afternoon classes stared and i always get surprised by that whenever i entered the room and and found them half dead on the floor, A-chan (If you remember them) also took naps on the room’s sofa (that thing was barely 1,50 cm long, napping there looked so uncomfortable) and even Yoshi used to nap with their head down the meeting table from time to time, but me, i just sat on a chair and got to read whatever manga/novel i was reading at the time, if i was not doing that then i was having lunch alongside Moon and one of their friends. BUT MAN let me tell you, AS SOON AS CLASSES WHERE OVER I WAS SO DEAD, LIKE SO SO SO DEAD, right after finishing for the day, tidying up the teaching materials i used for the day and my spot in the teacher’s room, my mind just departed to some other world where no one would ever reach. It was so funny whenever that happened because since i had classes mainly on Saturday most of my co-workers wanted to go out and have some snacks and drinks and since i felt like i needed a refresher before taking public transit back home i would oblige but man i was so out of it i don’t remember much but on ocassion a Nikkei coworker would come with us and they always spoke in this really fast accent that i found pretty cool most of the time but on those days whenever they talked to me i would mistake a lot of what they where saying, one time we where deciding on what to eat and they said something about me that made reference to my light eating habits by saying ”ソトさん小食なんだから、食べないっすよね？” (Soto-san’s a light eater so i don’t think you’ll eat anything, right?) and i since i was so out i went like “え？何それ、フルカラーなんですよ” (What are you saying? I’m full color capable) cause i had mistaken shoushoku (Light eater) as tanshoku (Monocrome) for some weird reason, some other time we where talking about idol related stuff and someone had forgotten how those idol instant photo souvenirs where called and me and them immediately went “ケーキだね” (It’s Cake) “チェキですね” (It’s Cheki, right?) and so they stared laughing at what i had said and it took me SO LONG to figure out why they where laughing about, now that i think about it it’s kinda embarrassing, i wonder if they ever thought badly about my japanese proficiency?…damn…

Changing topics a little bit, Wednesday morning after going to bed i remembered some Summer Camp Island (I’m rewatching it with my partner) fanart i made a long time ago so i went to search for it on my twitter because i wanted to share it with my partner and so i ended up digging a lot of old stuff i had made over the years alongside a ton of old tweets about stuff and man let me tell you the nostalgia hit was kinda unbearable, but i also found some really encouraging tweets form a lot of my friends reacting to my usual breakdowns that happened at least twice a week and a lot of those messages where from an online friend i made over my discovery (and falling in love with) of Ojamajo Doremi, giving our shared interests we started talking about a lot of stuff, they where present in my anime groupwatches, we talked about japanese learning since we where both interested in learning and yeah, i thought about them as a close buddy of sorts but somehow i lost contact with them around March of 2022 since after moving away from their home country they became a little too busy and i also me being me (since i think they are an EXTREMELY COOL PERSON) i got too scared to contact them too (whenever i become friends with someone i think is way way cooler than me i start believing that maybe i’m being a bother to that person and so i never actually seek conversations even if i still look at their socials on the daily) so over the years the only contact we had was over instagram story likes. I had so much fondness for that person that reading their messages again i became a little too emotional and so i ended up contacting them again… and so they responded almost immediately and we shared a moment together, hahahahaha.

I’m not going into details over our conversation because i feel like it’s a kind of private thing but still i’m so glad they still remember me fondly and they still think of me as someone worth responding to. So now I’m thinking about all those other people that i still think they are extremely cool that i had some sort of relationship with and i wonder about if they ever get memories of me in their daily lives…

Thought of the Day

Memories like these that are catalysts to happiness are like little sprites. Heralds of good news to come.

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Diary of Becoming a Princess – July 14 2026 – Nobody Wants to Hear Your Crying.

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Heyyyyy, long time no see, nope i didn’t forget about this diary it’s just that on weekends i mostly either go out and arrive late at home tired of talking to people so i take my time in stillness (music), last week’s Tuesday and Friday were specially heavy days full of dealing with work and family stuff so i ended up sleeping through the schedule i usually have for writing (same as today, i wrote the beginning sentence of this entry on the 14th and i’m here writing this on the 15th after some family stuff came up) adding to that on Sunday i came down with a heavy fever that grounded me until yesterday morning.

I consider myself a pretty healthy person all things considered, i don’t really deal with any alimentary diseases nor any chronic illness aside from my congenital knee thing that keeps me away from heavy exercise and sports, generally in a year i get sick with fever or headaches or colds or things like that a total of 1 or 2 times (Yep, on the whole year) and also they usually don’t last more than a day or a day and a half, most of the time i’ll notice that i’m sick at around the morning after waking up and then by that day’s dusk i’m back to being 70% human, this time it was a little different tho, at around 2 pm on Sunday i noticed i was feeling kinda funny after i waved goodbye to my family who where going on a roadtrip (Monday was a holiday over here) and then i started noticing my body aching and my head dizzying, at around 5 pm everything in my view was spinning and every joint in my body felt like cranking a pepper grinder and that’s when i came to the realization that i was home alone and that i needed some food so i zombied my way into the nearest convenience store where i bought some sports serum (I don’t like self medicating myself) and the cashier complimented my hair and i found that extremely funny due to me probably looking like a literal zombie and probably walking like that, by 7 pm i was still dragging my body in pain trying to give the family dog a good night stroll, Monday morning the headache had already dissipated but my stomach stared hurting in a way i haven’t felt in quite a while (I’ll explain later) so i got kinda worried for a second but after sleeping in for another 6 hours i came back to normal, Yay!

I’ve told this story on stream several times and I’m not sure if I’ve written about it here before but back then when i had a really bad case of an anorexia related eating disorder i had a really bad time relating to stomach pains, when i finally noticed that i hated my body and i was able to identify the reasons why i did (alongside the other problems in my life at the time) my main diet started to morph into some weird combination of ice cubes and paper. Yes, just ice cubes and paper. I had read online that eating ice tricks your head into believing you are actually eating real food so i tried it and figured out that it really worked like that but as for the other part, the paper, i couldn’t for my life tell you why i did it, one day while being hungry and being scared of eating anything i guess i just got tired of the taste of ice so i tried taking a bite out of some drawing paper i had on my desk and i guess i liked the taste??? dude idk, maybe i just got frustrated at something i was drawing and ended up taking a bite out of it hahaha, anyway after like 2 months of having minimal real food coupled with heavy doses of ice paper soup my stomach stared complaining in subtle ways like roaring more than it used to and my body becoming void of most of its energy but still i was a working human being somehow until one day when i invited a friend over to have a macaron bake party of sorts, we baked the stuff then ate some of it and then they left home and right after they left my stomach stared hurting really badly, at first i thought that maybe we had made a mistake of sorts on the recipe so i messaged my friend asking them if they had felt anything, of course they said no but still i was thinking that maybe i had eaten some of the underbaked ones (as if they had kept their structure if they where underbaked, silly me) and so i went to bed early while writhing in pain, at some point i couldn’t stand it at all so i went to the bathroom aannnnnddd everything came out red, like red red, so i panicked, looked myself out in the mirror to gain some composure for a second and tried to make my way to my bed while stumbling through the door, i wouldn’t make it 10 cms out the bathroom door until my brain went completely blank for what it felt like a second just for me to regain myself while looking at the ceiling with my back on the floor of my bedroom, it felt like i had teleported or something i really don’t remember anything about it, somehow i mustered all the strength i had to halfly dead drag myself to my bed and then lied on it until morning, of course i wasn’t able to sleep through the pain.

The next morning i went to the bathroom again, red again, and when i tried to clean myself out on the shower my brain lost consciousness again and when i regained myself i was surrounded by my Mother and Father trying to pick me up the floor, my Mother said that they heard a really loud thud so they panicked and came to check on me, somehow i had forgotten to lock the bathroom door and thanks to that maybe i can say i’m still alive ’cause only god knows what could have been of me if i hadn’t. Of course they immediately took me to hospital but seeing as i was kinda really bad they thought that the best option was to take me to the hospital over the city near town due to the service being better there and that became one of the most painful trips i’ve ever done in my life, my stomach felt like it was stabbing itself with a curved knife already so the movement of the car made it literally insufferable, like if Jigsaw from the movies had invented a machine that cradled your body into a wall of knifes directed straight to the stomach constantly, i was crying in pain while having absolutely no sense of nothing, i coulnd’t hear nor think nor speak through the pain until we finally made it to the hospital, my family helped me out the car and in that moment i felt an intense need for a bathroom so they took me to the hospital’s and right after doing my stuff and just as i was closing the door on it… my vision… just went away, i went blind just like that, i remember being extremely confused and agitated and i also remember trying my damn hardest to open my eyes as if believing that i had them closed and couldn’t open them up while in reality i was probably doing my best impression of a pop eye toy, so i became extremely scared and stared screaming all over, my mother came into the bathroom and stared worried screaming at me about it and i think i said something like “I’m not human if i can’t see” or something like that, that’s when the hospital staff came, they sat me in a wheelchair and took me to the ICU immediately, imagine being on a dark dark ride, your body feeling like it was stabbed, your mind being on distress after thinking about the implications of being an artist that can’t see all the while everyone around you stresses and panics, it was hell. My sight came back to me way later while on the ICU’s bed, i had no memory of what happened after i got on the wheelchair really and i haven’t bother to ask my parents about it so i can’t tell you what happened in the 4 to 6 hours that elapsed, but hell wasn’t over yet, the pain had went down a little bit to the point that i could resist not screaming about it and as my sight had returned my panic levels plateaued but i still couldn’t fall asleep due to the other horrible story that was happening in the ICU bed right beside mine, apparently it was hosting a patient that had suffered a Brain Hemorrage and their whole family was there with them while they stabilized… that person wouldn’t make it to the next day… and i was there to hear everything about them… since the moment i regained consciousness i heard about their stabilization, their degradation and later about their death, i was there to listen to their family’s concern, their desperation and later their grief… in that situation not even the knowledge of being in a hospital where everyone was there to help me could shake my notion of my own mortality, even if for just a second i thought that maybe i had already died and that maybe i was just waiting for my turn to cross the bridge.

The next morning i was scheduled for an endoscopy (that’s when all that stuff about my experience being extremely similar to Hilnama Sensei’s comes from so if you are curious about it just go read her manga) and the doctors discovered that i had earned myself a really pretty stomach ulcer that had bled a ton of blood to the point of making me so anemic that my body decided to not waste any of my blood on my eyes, the only good thing was that the ulcer was already on the process of healing so they would only put me on intensive surveillance until the next day to see how it went and… it went well? I swear my body is so used to being beat up that it seems that i’ve gained a healing superpower or something. I was discharged the very next day and i went home having learned my lesson about eating habits. Sometimes when i see those people on EDTWT I’ve already talked about i wish i could share my experience with them so that maybe i could save them the pain an suffering that comes with a stomach deceased, but alas, even if i share their pain in the disgust of their image and even if i could perfectly express the understanding i have for their situation i guess when you are that deep into it that’s something that you have to live for yourself in order to understand it’s dangers.

Thought of the Day

Of the suffering I’ve had in my life it’s the warmth of sharing my pain that has alleviated it’s yoke.

And so i wish that my understanding becomes the warm hug that someone else needs.

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Diary of Becoming a Princess – July 8 2026 – A Towering Cloud In the Summer.

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Sometimes life works in weird ways, i say that because last week we were in need of an extra hand at the store and seeing how fortune has been acting lately turns out that that same day that someone that used to work on a related field called asking for a job, when i heard about it i wasn’t actually at the store so i didn’t pay much attention to it but later when my Mother told me the details i would hear a name that leaved some of it’s memory inside my head many years ago but that i didn’t actually recognize, i just had this tick that told me something like “Yeah, that person”, giving also that their name is kind of unique alongside the fact that they had worked on related stuff to us my head’s second processor kept nagging on searching for faces to attach to the name. Today a job came up that needed both of us to make a visit to a client’s home to take a look at some old furniture they want to renovate, normally i do those kinds of jobs alone because rather than strength or good taste they mostly require a bit of technical know-how and even if i’m not really an expert on the field, having your two year and counting job revolve around furniture makes you learn about it even if you are not that interested, also i am quite a curious individual so whenever we have our experts look at stuff i always end up asking whatever crosses my mind, but not because i am really looking forward to advance my knowledge in the field but rather because i find that knowing and getting to know about stuff is a really fun activity.

So this time i was gonna do my usual stuff while the new worker tried to learn about our procedures and the way we do customer service at home, also i was driving, so that. While in the car we would make small talk about their previous job and stuff until my brain’s second processor finally solved the equation and then i immediately remembered, so i asked “Wait…you are a painter, right? You sign by the name D*k*, right?” Turns out they where someone that used to work for my uncle back then when the art studio was alive and kicking, they used to paint the still life and abstract scenery oil canvases that we (my mother and her family) hanged on the store showrooms back when the business was way bigger than today, i remember being something like 8 or 9 years old and staring at those paintings for hours while i waited for my mother to finished her meetings or stuff, back then i didn’t really know anything about art and i wouldn’t say that their paintings exhibit much artistic qualities, i mean they are just still-lifes and abstracts meant for decoration, what i was staring at mainly was the brush strokes, i was somehow fascinated by the way a brush soaked with oil could leave such a rough but clean texture. Only god knows why i didn’t took oil painting classes after that but welp, i guess i’m just that dumb.

They told me that yeah, it was them, but that they had stopped painting due to the demand for their style of artistry being extremely scarce in this here era of digital nonsense, and what made me think about writing about them today was not the thing about they having been at my uncle’s studio back then when i tried working in it too (in fact i remember very clearly a canvas of pink flowers they where painting the day i first entered there and my uncle was showing me the place) but the unexpected answer that they gave to a question that i thought had an obvious one:

So, do you still paint?

No, not much lately

What? Why?

I don’t know, last thing i painted was some Salvador Dalí replicas for my mother but just because she asked me to.

But what about painting stuff for yourself?

Hmmm, sometimes i sketch stuff but… i don’t know, i guess i’ve done it so much that i’m kinda tired of it

Hearing that… i had many conflicting thoughts about it, mainly about the re-realization of something i’ve opted to forget and that is that sometimes people that are genuinely passionate are forced to make a living out of their passion and in the process the magic of artistic expression gets squashed under the pressure of painting “something that will sell”. But then i took a second to deeply analyze that person and their conditions and what i think have been their experiences (maybe i’m assuming too much) and then i reached an even more depressive conclusion. Turns out that of the sides divided by the line of Crafts (Artesanía) and Art (Arte) i had always assumed that most of us wanted to be on the Art side. Never had i thought that, even extremely talented people that have worked their asses off perfecting their craft, prefer being on the other side.

Thought of the Day

Craftsmanship is not the antithesis of art but just the result of replacing expression for utility in their formulas. In that, the author carves their name on language and not in the picture.

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Diary of Becoming a Princess – July 7 2026 – Earl Grey.

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I mentioned on twitter that i wanted to go back to writing about fun and nontrivial stuff and to tell you the truth even i was getting tired of writing so much about the deeply troubling aspects of my life and of the people around me so to take off a little of the weight of the general diatribe sphere of writing here on DBP (Short for this here diary c:) here’s a little piece of my life and tastes that i’ve yet to share with many people and that is… tea.

Most of my life i have been an avid coffee drinker due to my congenital illness called being Colombian, you know about that joke in D*sn*y’s Encanto where a little dude’s hyper attitude is fueled by the blackish tar of coffee? Well i can tell you that most kids in this here country may have experienced something similar, morning coffee is never absent in the routine of your average colombian aaaand that extends even to me. Every single day i drink coffe (latte, to be more specific) and giving that i don’t really remember when i stared drinking it then i guess it has always been like that, but funnily enough i have never been really that adamant in it’s taste nor i have really dove deep into it’s varieties or it’s preparation methods as i have seen some of my friends and people around the world do, however, i am able to taste the difference in some varieties of coffee and i am definitely able to feel their difference in quality as well, it’s just that i’m not really picky about it. To me coffee is just a inculcated ritualistic thing that i do every morning and nothing else, something derived from the patterns i witnessed from my parents all of my life so it really doesn’t feel like something i do.

After Doremi got me to start learning japanese, in the process of trying to watch anime without subtitles Yumeiro Patissiere and Kira Kira Precure a la Mode fired up my interest for learning baking and sweetmaking so i then stared to attend cooking school for it as well and if you know anything about Yumeiro Patissiere then you’ll know about this character in it called Hanabusa Satsuki, someone who’s whole personality revolves around roses and making sweets with anything related to roses in them. Actually using roses in sweetmaking it’s kinda difficult due to their flavour not being strong enough compared to it’s scent, so whenever you try to just add them without much thought into a recipe the result is always going to be either unremarkable or just smell like roses. So one way this Hanabusa guy uses roses in his sweets it’s to use rosewater in them, rosewater alleviates some of the previous problems i talked about due to it being basically rose extract, so it’s flavour is way more noticeable while also allowing for it’s scent to impregnate the body of the dessert rather than only perfuming it, i once asked one of my pastry teachers about this and they said something like “Well, if you are going to use rosewater in a recipe the result is going to be so rose centric than i’d rather have a cup of rose tea as a companion to the main dish” And SOMEHOW those words got me into tea as i tried looking around the net about rose tea, curious about it’s flavour.

So i’ve had this minimal tea hobby for a long while now, i mainly buy the dried leaves from this local dealer that has an incredible variety of black and white tea in combination with local fruits like coconut, lulo, dragonfruit and guava, it’s great! I mainly drink it with a little bit of milk (habits i guess) while writing this here diary and whenever i forget to buy some i swear you can definitely tell in my writing hahaha.

But the best tea i’ve ever had was in one of my favorite Patisseries in the city next door called Pr*liné, i remember way back when i was yet to graduate from Hikarien when my class ran out of students (yep, it was only me) and so they changed my schedule for classes and i ended up having to travel way earlier for classes and so classes where over way earlier as well so i had time to do a little Cafe Meguri around the neighborhood Hikarien is at, if you have followed me on instagram (and if you care enough to remember) you may remember a time when i was posting about my sweet seeking adventures each week, man, looking back i had SO MUCH FUN DOING IT, being able to just walk around town without a care in the world with only delicious looking sweets as my destination was so liberating, it was kinda like combining my favorite things in the world (Sweets, everyday architecture sightseeing and overly deep introspection) in one! I miss it so much, if i ever make enough money to go out and live on my own i definitely need to get back into it… anyways what i was trying to get at is that in that the first time i went to Praliné i ordered a strawberry tartlet alongside 3 macarons and some tea i just picked because it said it had some kind of strawberry thing in it and maaaaaaaan that tea was so gooooooood, i ended up asking the waiter for another round of leaves due to it being so damn good, i don’t really know what it had in it really but i remember it being so sweet but not in a sugary way but in a natural fruity kind of way, it also had a tiny little bit of a tangy flavour that made it hit your tongue in just the right way and the herbs where in a really good shape as they didn’t feel like the musty stuff you would get from your average tea pouch, it was magical… after i finished and when i went to pay for my meal i asked if they sold any of it there and sadly the answer was not AND I HATE MYSELF FOR JUST LEAVING IT AT THAT, I SHOULD HAVE ASKED FOR THE BRAND NAME OR SOMETHING AAAAAAAAHGGGG. In fact, let me search for the photo i took while i was there, they should all be in my instagram saved stories bar thingy if you are curious about it.

I really like this photo, it feels like someone other than me took it, hahaha.

Question of the day.

I wished i had many readers for this to make sense to ask but… what is yall’s favourite tea? I’m open to try anything as my main goal is to taste what i’ve yet to taste.

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Diary of Becoming a Princess – July 06 2026 – Como Come un Animal.

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I know this may have become a kind of annoying theme but once again my has sister has been crying over her tumultuous relationship since Saturday and at this point me and my mother have ran out of anecdotes, opinions and debate phrases to say to her, last thing that happened is that they began having small talk once again over the past week but at the mere mention of my sister’s ever elusive “conclusive talk” the guy vented a little bit to her about his life problems as of late, reiterated that he wasn’t feeling all that well and that he still needed space not only from his relationship but also from everything going out in his life, the conversation concluded with the revelation that he is planning on emigrating to Australia on some work related stuff so he explicitly told her that no matter what happens and specially if he ends up going abroad, he doesn’t think the relationship is gonna work any more.

We all know it is kinda hard to accept love related heartbreaks, the nature of the height of the feeling makes the fall reach equivalent or even deeper lows when the disaster of unlove happens, but it think that the time when one is under utmost darkness makes staring at even the dimmest of light an experience of flinching to the glare. The reality of unlove is the realization of incompatibility and one must stare at it until that fact gets burned into one’s retinas. It is the act of weighing the feelings in mutual history, with the amount in difference being irrelevant to the real question of “Do i really like carrying this weight?”. There’s this one verse in a really good song i fist listened not so long ago by Stereosity named “Sprout” where the lyrics say:

So cleanse and weigh
This dirt stuck in my brain
Consolidate
All these sheets that have buried me
To taste the weight
To clean this blood off my plate

And whenever i listen to it i… am able to understand what it is actually required to get over a heartbreak, or instead fall deeper into it.

I became more sure of this when i was talking some days ago with with my friend who i used to be in love with, they said some words that made me realize the reason why i really fell out of love with them and that is the blindness i’ve felt from them to the romantic love i gave, even if by real or fake ignorance the fact that my love at most felt like a nuisance and at worse felt like insignificance, the moments i thought where special between us where nothing more than another monday to them to the point that even i started to think about them as such, but of course being as i am in my stubbornness i remained unmoving. I’ve talked about the “Nobody has ever done this for me”s but lately i’ve heard from them such things as “Nobody’s ever said that to me” and that of course hurts even if the pain is not so poignant for me to say anything back at them but last time there was something that made me realize just how blind they where to me. I talked about the main topic of that conversation over here, the thought of wanting someone to “Love me whole” and at some point during the conversation words of need transformed into words of desire, when they uttered “I just want to feel like someone…idk, i just want to feel like someone is willing to die for me” and immediately my heard flashed back to a time where i was rejected by them to which i responded to by just keep on loving even if my target was way out of reach just for them to later in life tell me those words i’ve repeated more than once. To the act of loving in spite of adversity the question was “Are you a masochist? I don’t understand.”

So i remembered those words while hearing about the desire of deadly attraction, i came back to multiple times where the only stone left in my world was the one i had build with the love i felt for someone and of the phantom of different eras, fresh off having melted my love in the air of ignorance, i responded back with dim light. Then i once again became resolute in the fact that i was incapable of loving that person.

Thought of the Day

Just how many times my desires have made me blind to the colored sprites beside me?

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Diary of Becoming a Princess – July 2 2026 – One Word.

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Again, was too tired yesterday from a lot of stuff i had to do in the day so while listening to music while on bed while also thinking about stuff my eyes closed from 11 pm to 2 am, cool!

Yesterday i talked with one of my besties about and about some things that’s been bugging them about their partner lately, they found out through some _questionable_ means that their partner has… certain sexual tendencies that they hadn’t told them about before, said tendencies or should i say fetishes? are not really things that my friend has or does, in fact they are quite on the other whole spectrum so inevitably they stared feeling bad about it. Things like “I know they like me but, do they actually WANT me?” started appearing in their head and the replication of it on the daily had them feeling lost. I of course know that feeling, i have discussed many a times how i feel when my perception of what others have as the perception of me differs but when the whole thing also revolvers around someone’s likes or dislikes well… i think that’s when you have to compare each other’s natures and see how really compatible both are. I remember saying something like this to them: “Well you can see it as that you do not tick their ideal partner boxes, but you can also flip it and see it as if they do not tick your ideal partner boxes, ’cause if that’s a turnoff then you are not feeling bad because of nothing” or something like that.

Of course i am no magic shaman capable of curing any illnesses and heart pains just by talking to you nor i am a magic psychologist capable of science-ing the hell out of your brain to make you feel any better so whenever i talk with people about things like this i end up feeling like i am not helping enough to justify being talked to but as of late my conversations with that friend are ending on the note of
“I like talking to you ’cause those mushy feelings and anxieties i have end up going away while we laugh about it”, so i guess that’s enough for me.

Speaking about feelings and stuff, yesterday, after writing tuesday’s diary entry (the one about my internet footprint and about that weird person that posted my photo) while talking with my partner about it i came to me to do a little nostalgic trip through the many pages i’ve had over the years in the internet and so in thinking about that i though about looking around my oldest mail address, filter my mails from oldest to newest and see what it came up. Most of it notifications of conversations on posts on facebook, most of them where from an old school fb group i had with my classmates back in 2010 so there’s a lot of stuff like “Yo! What was the math homework again?” or things like “Please remember to go in the P.E uniform on friday, or else they’ll get mad at me”. It was really nostalgic seeing not only all those messages with the horrible orthography and with the terrible typing ability that was so characteristic about that era of the internet, so i was reading them to my partner and i was reminiscing about them and telling some anecdotes about my school days to her when i came across a email coming from my Father and i didn’t remember what i was about so i opened it just to see a Powerpoint presentation with funny images of the time alongside a message that said “Hahahaha, isn’t it so funny? ahaha, Love you! Sincerely: Dad” and man, just reading it stung like a bee, seconds later memories of having received those emails came back to me with the reality of the time being that i was in my rebellious phase so i never had actually replied to them so i started feeling a little bad after that, i kept scrolling through my emails just to find more and more of the same style of email coming from my dad, things like “Hey, how about we go out to play basketball together?” or “Here’s an invitation i scanned for a party at the family bussiness, wanna go?” and so on… and… i started feeling awful, i’ve always thought about what i did while in my rebellious phase and about all of the pain and trouble i caused my parents as nothing more than the proof of my incompetence as a human being, but one thing is being conscious of that and another is having your mind and body experience the reverberations of that curse being once again casted uppon oneself in the form of a phantom coming out from an email. So while reading all of that i… started crying, i felt so bad, i fell so bad at the fact that there was someone trying with all their might and love and patience to connect with me all the while i was so focused on the rage at the world i was feeling, i had tossed aside love.

So in that moment i muted myself from the call and went looking for my Father but alas, it was 3 am and he was asleep so i had to wait until morning just to… apologize, apologize for being such a dumb stupid kid. The day later while having dinner i finally told him about how i was looking around old emails and that i had found theirs, i told him about how i felt and about how extremely awful i was feeling about having tossed him aside, i apologized for everything. He of course remembered the emails and told me about how yes, it was one of the efforts he was making in connecting with me at a time they didn’t know what to do about my rebellion, he even remembered about the emails having been sent via an old corporate email they had back when the family business was bigger. It all ended with me apologizing once again, we both hugging each other and then us sharing a half eaten hamburger… now that i think about it, we also used to apologize like that back in the day, how funny.

Though of the Day

More than any other way of communication, mails and their digital equivalent are able to carry the weight of feelings, they are able to record the process of understanding. Maybe that’s the reason why they are slower than chats or voice calls, because they are heavier.