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Diary of Becoming a Princess – April 10 2026 – Chikyuu Hanarero Tanken ni Dero.

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I watched a tutorial video by Stereosity’s Sam Krones about the main technique used to form the sound of math rock: tapping. They explained in a really easy to follow way how the sound of the genre forms by “piano” like strokes that can be fused with many different other techniques that kind of naturally flow into the composition, one would think that the nature of the genre, full of stops and goes, would make the process of creating music a little more akin to composing in a DAW (Digital Audio Workstation) with synths but instead you get this little by little progression of strums and taps and chords designed to be self contained but incomplete by themselves, and that kinda reminded me of Fighting game combo structure, neutral navigation and situation spontaneity.

I supposed the rapid tapping of buttons (strings), hand contortions with different motions (motion inputs) and the inherent tempo and timing to both make a really easy comparison, with the obvious difference that fighting games are designed to be limited in their possibilities while music is as free as it can get. But then again i think about games like GGACPR, BBCF or MBACC and their wide range of tools they give to the player and think about how even if they are designed to be a certain way people often find ways to use those tools to achieve many different things that the developers didn’t really intended to be able to be done, hitting the enemy with a weird part of a hitbox in order to get an advantageous combo, hiding away inputs inside other inputs in order to make them come out as fast as possible, or even kind of breaking the rules of the game by tricking the game logic to achieve unimaginable tricks when no one expects them, its fascinating in the same way as a guitar played by tapping instead of stoking, the freedom comes from the forms in which each individual expresses themselves. Even when the “intended way” is discarded, music ends up sounding like music and Mids are still not being blocked.

There’s this video about a man from Botswana named Ronnie that i’ve been obsessed with ever since i saw it of a beautiful song called “Happy New Year” that is played in such an unique way that i can only describe as “Ronnie’s play”, their fingers hands are positioned from the opposite side of the most common way to play guitar making their picking come from the top rather than the bottom, they slide the bottom part of their thumb, pinky, side hand, back hand or even rolling their hand to create notes and the tapping is done with so much force that i actually ends up doing the part of percussion, its a beautiful sight to see and a beautiful song as well.

Just as math rock uses unconventional techniques, just as fighting game players break the illusion of design and just as Ronnie dances with their hands on top of their guitar, the walls of convention and design are cracked by the unstoppable forces of expression.

Random Though Of The Day

That guitar has scars all over her, she’s beautiful.

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Diary of Becoming a Princess – April 9 2026 – Anarchy In The UK

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The last two diary entries have been about “deep” topics that have been rounding my mind these past few weeks and i like it that way although every once in a while a post about a mundane topic could be pretty nice… today is not that day heh.

I saw the Super Mario Galaxy Movie last wednesday and it made me really think about the current state of media and media consumption as a whole. If you know me even a little bit then you would assume i hated it and you would be absolutely right. It was a disconnected string of scenes guided by the rule of cool that forgot that to be cool is to actually have a personality, bright lights, kinetics and moving parts are indeed the essence of the Mario World but when the framing of it all is the trappings of a tiktok video i start to question my place in that world. A Mixture of flavours absolutely obsessed with making as many references as possible to old media with complete disregard for the target audience of children that weren’t even born when they where relevant, the disaster of not having any character see through their arc and the alright carelessness of just leaving halfed assed… animation alone can’t save a movie like this. The first one wasn’t like that, it had its moments of complete and utter corporate trashy writing and scoring/licensing but it was not a movie made for the trailer scenes, it was not a Marvel movie, this one is.

I was specially appalled by Fox McCloud being in the movie at all, not only because he doesn’t really belong but…look, i don’t really like crossovers that much but when it goes and changes the personality of a character well that just makes me mad, Fox is not Starlord, he was never supposed to be like that, the inspiration for Starfox characters comes from the Thunderbird’s characters, basically, stoic shonen protagonists of the 80s which their one-liners could be retraced to 80s action movie heroes and their dry and cocky sense of humor. Humor that came more from a place of absurd superiority and not tryharder wannabiety… i really hate this Fox, he is not the Fox that cares to do an Aircraft report at the end of the stage, he is not the Fox that was raised by his Father’s friend Peppy, he is not the Fox that would grief over his father’s death by following his shadow at the end of the game, he is has just been reduced to a Marvel Character.

Media that relies in the heavy use references by it self is not bad tho, the more i think about it the more i think about one of my favourite anime i saw while growing up, Lucky Star. The difference between Lucky Star’s references and the Mario movie’s references lies in their portrayal of the media they are referencing as well as the intention of it, while in Lucky Star the characters talk about old or contemporary Movies, Anime and Tv commercials directly citing them as things that the audience would do at the time, the reference is never actually really that present in the moment, it is always portrayed as natural as possible by means of casual conversation. An old Tv commercial with a catchy jingle about shampoo is brought up by Konata while in the bath with the sole purpose of making her friends laugh and connecting with them in a human way, old ZZ gundam references she shares with her father are always tied up to their relationship as a family and her obsession with Haruhi Suzumiya is just the reflection of the otaku interests of the time, the whole point of them is the connection that they share through the media that surrounds them.

Bridges that connect our experiences are one of the things that defines our species as communities, so i think we should build them while thinking about their meanings.

Random Thought Of the Day:

Kojima was absolutely right, as he mostly is.

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Diary of Becoming a Princess – April 8 2026 – Forever

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On my day to day as a voided husk of human that i am, i often think about the things I’ve done (or not) that i could’ve done better, retracing my each of my steps that lead to the decision i took, why i took it and imagining a scenario for a different response for each and every one of those decisions, daydreaming about what has been, what could have been, and what it could be, this process is something that I’ve always done ever since i have memories of failing at something, i remember very clearly how i spent most of the morning in my school looking at the square lines in my notebook, absent of anything remotely associated with the current class thinking about what i could’ve done better the class before that which in turn would make me fail at whatever the class was about and so the cycle continued on forever.

My relationship with failure has been tumultuous through all of my life, i hate failing, i hate myself for failing, and most importantly i hate that i can’t seem to learn from failure.

When i was attending psychotherapy psychologists often told me that failure is what builds the steps needed to succeed, that failing means the confirmation of the wrong path and that one should recognize that as the path that shall not be retraced again, by process of elimination of bad choices one finds the correct path to realization. That of course sounds nice and all, it works for many people and makes sense logically but the more i think about the more i find holes in that way of thinking (as far as I’m concerned), in a sense, finding wrong paths always leads to failure, no one can reach the end of a road by merely stepping on the grass, nor can anyone climb up the stairs of accomplishment by always failing to put a foot on the next step, success is always built on top of success, one needs to succeed in distinguishing right from wrong first in order to do right, so what happens to someone that thinks they know the difference between the right path and the wrong path but actually doesn’t? What about self sabotaging? How does someone that is afraid of even taking the wrong path ever finds their way to the end? metaphorical end btw, i’m well aware that success cannot be measured. I often think about stuff like that while walking to work.

A random moment has been stuck in my head for the past week that i cannot seem to find the right answer for, no matter what i think about it i can never seem to reach the appropriate answer, let me tell you about it:

My grandfather died a year and 2 moths ago, an event that didn’t really shook my life, of course i was sad and all, but in reality i was more worried about my father and what his reaction to all of it could be, turns out we both think about death as a natural phenomenon and nothing more, he had accepted his father was going to die, so when he did the only thing we could do was remember him as the incredible person he was, we even joked about him taking his rolex watch with him to the grave. When it was time to cremate him they had to take him from the veiling ceremony to the crematory, my sister and my father took one of the family cars and me and my mother took the other, then a caravan of our family chased behind us, when we reached the crematory and everyone was gathering arround my sister came to me and said:

“He cried, very briefly, but he did”.

A year later after celebrating a mass in memory of my grandfather we would sit in a park in front of the church, while my parents where talking to one of my grandfathers friends i was looking at my phone reading some banal twitter stuff when someone i didn’t noticed previously approached me and said:

“Hey, do you like ____?”

I couldn’t actually hear what he was talking about but i noticed he had a lot of incense boxes so i immediately assumed he was trying to sell me some, so in trying to get him to leave me alone i said:

“Sorry, i don’t understand what you are talking about, I’m not really interested.”

He didn’t really emote, his eyes looked just about as neutral as one can make them, and he said:

“I used to have hair like yours when i was young, i used to love all those rock bands… it’s just that i saw your hair and got reminded of that and i thought that maybe you where a fan of them too”

Then he left.

I wouldn’t really think about it at the moment but later my head kept circling around that event, was i too rude? Should i have said something kinder to him? Did i let my prejudice get the better of me by assuming he was trying to sell me something? Maybe i did knew the band he was talking about and we could’ve had a nice chat about it, he saw something in me that made him nostalgic and i responded with coldness and apathy, that being said, being approached at random like that by a street vendor would put any latino at the defensive, street vendors are really intense over here. But what if i really didn’t know the band he was talking about? Could we have still had a chat about the genre? Would that made him happy? Would that made me happy in retrospect? I don’t really know. I want to defend myself and given the situation i think i was right in having my reservations, but at the same time i feel that i could’ve been kinder. One can always be kinder, either to Oneself or others.

Random Thought Of The Day

“Random thoughts are not random, they are the consequence of our memories”

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Diary of Becoming a Princess – April 7 2026 – Take My Oxygen For Fun.

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As time passes i get the feeling that my ability to be creative diminishes greatly, it’s like my thoughts are being sucked from my brain by the rotation speed of the earth. I often find myself revisiting this diary in search of the spark i had when i was writing it and i can’t never seem to conclude if the reason i was so consistently writing about the incongruent things my head tries to pass as ideas was because i was in love with someone that i could never seem to reach, like i was having a race against the sun, a sun i would never reach but that was always there bringing me light and warmth, or if i just had a ton of time to think.

Welp, things have kinda changed a bit, i got a teaching job at the place i was learning Japanese, i stayed there for a year and a half and then quitted because i won a scholarship and my dumb brain got scared of everything that scholarship meant in terms of responsibility, then started to work in my parent’s business (Something i dreaded because i saw it as forfeiting my creative self, and i was absolutely right about that), and most importantly i went on a holiday vacation to Chile to visit my at the time best friend… and then we became a couple.

A week ago i was talking with my partner about this creative slump i have and connecting to her creative slump she is currently having, we where discussing many different methods of coming up with fun stuff to do that avoided the simple passiveness of just watching a netflix series or reading manga and such, we talked about her short incursion in theater (which i also did for most of my childhood) and we concluded that theater is really fun when the people in it are open about ideas, roles, dialogues and ways of expression, but when egos clash and people show their “people” side then everything becomes a chore, humanity always finds a way to ruin the most human thing in art i guess. Recently i’ve been seeing a ton of people doing that really pretty type of collage adjacent journaling on instagram and that made me think about my diary, so i suggested to her that she starts writing one but to not make it a logbook as she would surely get bored of it, in the midst of the conversation i read about 5 entries of this diary and got really nostalgic of the tears i cried while writing it so i ended up reading more way after our conversation ended.

What i want to talk about today is one of the things i wrote about in the “Jill Of Red Eyes” entry, about a band by one of my favourite whisper voice vocalist Shiho, called Solvay Sweet, a live only band that was only active during the 2010s which main gimmick was that every member wore a ジージャン(Jean Jacket), i only know about that because of the brief interview they had during a radio show they where attending to promote their new single they where gonna be playing in their live events, said interview i talked about in that entry, i had to stay up late (5 am) just to hear the song played just 1 time, a song i would only hear 1 time in my life… damn i should have recorded it…

Culture being limited by the barriers of language and space is something i’ve struggled with through all of my life, it’s 90% of the reason i started learning Japanese in the first place, so when i find myself facing this positional distance wall that i can’t climb with the power of language knowledge alone i get really depressed, never in my life will i be able to listen to that song again (unless they release it) nor could i attend to one of their live events (they disbanded long ago) so it’s like culture is being created and celebrated right in front of me, but i’m prohibited to see or experiencing any of it, struggling while tied to the chair that most call Colombia. My former japanese mentor used to say that young people are obligated to learn about their surrounding culture regardless of their interests so that they can pass it on to the next generation and i used to hate that, the idea that one is limited and obligated by the place destiny chose in its willing its maddening to me, culture is for anyone that’s interested in it, barriers like language, cultural differences and distance, while being things that the individual must overcome by themselves in order to experience culture as it buds, are in essence something that humanity should strive to eliminate in order to reach better understanding of other fellow humans. But as i think about the Teeny Frahoop concerts i will never experience due to the space-time difference i have with japan, that one Coltemonikha concert in Puroland i will never know anything about, those hype switch ups during Saori@destiny’s presentations or that really beautiful thank you moment during Shangri-la in that one Chatmonchy oneman that i will never cry my eyes out by having it reverberate in my bones, i’ve become a little more convinced that at the very least fleeting moments should be recorded so that the ones wanting to experience them the most can do it way after the ones that don’t really care forget about them, even if those ethereal feelings can only be felt by being there, ghosts of what once was can be enough solace for desperate people like me.

Having this Diary as the ghost of my former self has made me sure of that.

Random Image my currently in Japan friend sent me.

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Diary of Becoming a Princess – October 8 2020 – Galaxy Inquiry.

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Lately expressing my feelings has been imposible for me and that’s why i haven’t been writing anything in my diary, the last entry was some really far months ago so it’s up to you to figure out how long that “Lately” is, anyways i’ve been feeling awful as always.

Right now it is 11:26 pm, i’m laying down on my bed, lights off, headphones on, listening to my favourite band Coltemonikha while i look at the streetlight penetrating into my room coloring it different shades of blue “since when was darkness and solitude so beautiful?” I ask myself as another question enters my head… maybe i was just born wrong?

I feel like i was born wrong, wrong time, wrong place, wrong gender, wrong personality, everything wrong.

I think is coltemonikha the reason why i feel this way, their undistinguable 2006-7 sound just take me back when then internet was nothing more than really personal blogs about really interesting people, back when the lo-fi compressed sanrio gifs and pastel aestetic wasn’t just another e-girl trend but the true way people where trying to express themselves also for some reason i associate this sound and era with tamagotchis, i don’t really know why.

I think my brand of cuteness and beauty really connects with this era for some reason, like, when i think about what’s considered cute now and cute then is completely different, nowadays people seem to think that some squeaky voiced v tuber doing dumb sounds and cursing in another language is cute, and i mean, i find it cute in a way but it does not evoke the same feeling as 2006 sanrio or colte, in a way that old fashion brand of cuteness makes me ponder, it calms my heart and allows me to float, i feel cuddled and warm and i just… agh, how could i ever explain this and have someone understand? Maybe that’s why i suffer so much for love, as i see it, a love partner should be someone who simply understands you.

A person that just gets what i mean… i wonder if there’s someone in this earth capable of that…

And as soon as i think of that, i think of the girl that i liked a year ago, whenever i see her tweets and stuff on my feed or when i used to read her diary i always got that feeling of “maybe this person is the one…”
and then i’m reminded of what happened, that we tried having a relationship but it completely failed, that we live really far from each other, that there’s a 10 year gap between us making it really difficult for it to have ever worked not that it really mattered anyways because we both are highly disfunctional people… but then again the tought comes up.

“Maybe if i wasn’t 10 in 2007 but 20 instead and maybe if i lived in her country or she in mine then maybe we could have met the same way we did by reading each other’s diaries and then meeting in person through university or on some weird event maybe we could have been friends and enjoy our youth with each other and maybe when something went bad for her at home or at uni i would have been there with her supporting her as much as i could and maybe she could have done the same for me too and somehow then maybe it could have worked just perfectly”

I’m the biggest idiot there has ever been in this planet for thinking that, of course nobody’s life is that perfect and i have already given up on her due to the various reasons i gave before but man… i want a life like that.

I want a cute aestethic life, i want to be the aesthetic i like, and since i like girly cuteness and i’m an ugly ass man i was destined to be sad since the begining, maybe i where born a girl instead i could have bought all of those Made in Colkhinika and “And Curtain Call” and those Liz Liza and Fancy Surprise clothes i like so much and maybe i could have wore them and feel beautiful and cute and fluffy and maybe i could have also bought some frilly silky pajamas and i could have some milk tea while i listen to colte before bed and ahhgghgscsgdgah do you know how idealized this all is? I mean is the textbook example of Ribbon Shoujo girl that has ever been BUT AT LEAST IT COULD HAVE BEEN POSSIBLE, even if where the most ugly girl in the planet or the least aestethically coordinated I COULD HAVE DONE IT CAUSE I WOULD BE A GIRL AND THAT AESTETHIC IS TAILORED MADE FOR THEM.
As a boy the closest thing i could do is to become a sanrio boy and i mean that’s fine i don’t hate people like that but i would hate it for myself, i don’t want to be a sanrio boy because that implies boy clothes and boy tailored aestethics and EVERTHING EXCEPT BEING A GIRL AGAHAGGAHAHAHSGAGDH

I just thought of that day i was reading some old Yasutaka Nakata interviews about Capsule and Nagisa Cosmetic and he said something like “Honestly i feel a little creeped out by guys that listen to my stuff, i mean i can understand guys liking some of the capsule songs but something like Nagisa Cosmetic, an album i made alongside a Woman’s Cosmetic brand, is just simply weird, i made those songs for girls and only girls should listen to them” or so i remember, and i thought “Man, i still love his work but this guy is an asshole” BUT NOW I KINDA GET IT, like its debatable how much a “only for girls” song made by a guy can be but it is undeniable that his intention was to appeal to girls and only girls, of course guys should be able to enjoy whatever they want but they WEREN’T INTENDED TO LIKE IT, its the same for girls clothing, I KNOW NOT EVERY GIRL IN THE PLANET IS GONNA LOOK AMAZING IN LIZ LIZA CLOTHING but at least those clothes are designed to be wored by girls not boys.

Now that i think of it there’s that guy in twitter that takes pics of himself wearing all that fairy-kei Fancy Surprise stuff and he looks pretty cute in them… maybe i’m just not suited for any of that… just end me.
Let’s go back to talking about love cause i hate myself, there’s this girl i’ve been interested in for a little while now, we share a lot of interests and even tho we’re both awful at comunicating somehow in the end we both understand each other, but there’s a problem, okay there’s a bunch of problems but the most important one is that she already has a boyfriend.

Back when i didn’t feel anything for her i had a dream in which she was an idol of sorts and after one of her concerts in a stadium i would visit her to give her a plushie gift and then we hugged (Yeah that’s it, that’s the dream) I WAS SO AFRAID OF DREAMING THAT, mainly because i rarely dream anything so when i dream about a specific person then IT MUST MEAN SOMETHING and i was SO AFRAID that it meant that i liked her cause i’ve always seen people already in a romantic relationship as something sacred that must never be disturbed SO I WAS SO AFRAID TO BE CONTRADICTING MYSELF, thankfully my current relationship with that girl is nothing more than “We know eachother and have talked” but we’ve never even had a propper chat so i think i’m completely safe of falling in love, and even if we talked a lot and even if she where single i still don’t think i would fully fall for her, somehow i feel that we’re incompatible with eachother. And the worst part is that i have felt something similar for another girl in my group but then again the incompatibility thing just bugs me out and strives me away from trying anything remotely associated with love with her, just the fact that i’ve felt similar things for two girls in the span of just a few months bugs me so much that i won’t even think about that again, i think i’m traumatized (or just learned my lesson) with my ex girlfriend, i felt like i liked her a lot so much (i mean the previous diary entry was completely about her) but when we began dating i though something like “im not really sure about this but maybe it will get better in the long run” that was a mistake, i will never start a relationship with someone i’m not 1000% sure i absolutely love.

I feel so dumb to be writing that, of course you shouldn’t start romantic relationships with someone just to “try it out and see how it goes”, i hate myself so much.

Random Fact (No Ramdom thought heheehe):

I wrote all of this while listeting to Coltemknikha’s Domino… i’m obssesed. 

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Diary Of Becoming a Princess – June 2 2020 – “And Your Kisses Are Magic”

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What a year, right?

I’m not talking about the corona or anything but of my feelings, i never thought i would find a partner just to have that relationship crushed a month after, man i hate myself.

I will disccuss the details of that story at a later day, this time i just want to share a little experience that moved my heart while i was in that relationship, it obviously it was just a message. People say that spoken words have deeper meaning but in my experience i find it quite on the contrary, whenever i write i try to evoke feelings on my readers, be it a message, my diary, twitter or just simply a dumb joke on some group title/twitter handle/stream title, i find it easier to express myself through text than through speech, that’s why maybe i find it easier to understand people by reading them instead of talking to them or maybe is just that i’m just to dumb to be able to process all things that are said to me in real time instead of just letting them sink at my own pace as they are easily archivable, idk.

My relationship with that girl was mainly through text messages, as we started it right after the pandemic struck everyone, it showed my much i longed for empathy and care and love, i would smile ear to ear whenever i woke up with a “Good Morning” on my cel, reading “I love you” moved my heart no matter how many times i read it and talking until way past midnight became such a common thing that we had to watch out for each other’s bed time (wich made it even more cute) but this is all normal for a couple, right? I mean its such a normal but special thing its amazing how contradictory it is really.

The message that i wanted to talk about was just a simple hello, yep, just a hello a greeting, i had just woken up with a “Good morning” message that i inmediately responded, we chatted a little and then she told me she was kinda bussy so that she would text me some time later, so i got out of bed, talked to my parents and sister, made myself some breakfast and started eating, then i recieved a message on my cel, it had just been like an hour and a half since i’ve gotten out of bed so i thought i was from someone else but nop, it was from her, saying something like

“Hello ♡
I’m still really bussy but i really wanted to talk to you
What are you doing?”

Yep, just that was enough to melt my heart, just the though of someone wishing to talk to me even thou they’re busy, she just wanted to chat a little.

I don’t talk anyone really, i’m in a ton of friends group chats, a ton of streamer discords i even have one myself  but they usually are what they say they are, group chats, i don’t get any private messages at all, most of the conversations i have with people happen because i think most of the people i meet are so awesome i want to get to know them better so i approach them to the best of my ability.
But somehow nobody thinks that about me, sure some people show up on my streams and talk to me in that social setting but almost none of then approach me in any way.

I feel kinda ignored, like i only work on a social setting but never for myself, like i don’t have any value in talking to.

So when i read her message, when i read that she just wanted to talk to me even when she was bussy, man… 

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Diary of Becoming a Princess – February 4 2020 – Game Jam Part 1.

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So… i ended up going to the Game Jam, even tho i was scared shitless, and… i handled it well? Like it went WAY better than i expected it to go, like WAY BETTER, even so i’ve manage to find things to get hunged up over but anyways, i’ll tell you whole story.

So Friday morning (4 AM) i was scared shitless ’cause i’m really bad at interacting with people, and really bad at trips and really bad at keeping my cool under stressful situations, so i was worrying about not being able to tall to anyone, not being able to keep up with expectations or not being able to keep a consistent work schedule, plus me being as easy give-up as i am i feared just giving up halfway.

So on Friday morning (9:30 Am) i went to our meeting place and before i could even think about it i was on a car with 3 other randos i didn’t even know the names of, while we waited for my friend to arrive, at the beggining it was pretty stressful but somehow i managed to keep my cool and strike up friendly conversations with them finding up they had similar autism levels to me (Not as high as me but at least i could joke about thing and they would chuckle), when my friend arrived we inmediately departed on our 4 hour journey and i thought it was going to be a pretty normal journey where we would just go from A to B but we stopped at some town to buy some bread, ham and cheese for some sandwishes, soda and, of course, ice cream.

Somehow it felt like a regular fun college trip instead of the serious work trip i pictured (it was always that way but my train of thought always swings me the other way) plus another friend that was interested in going but never said he actually was ended going so that calmed me down a whole nother notch the whole trip we joked arround, listened to music on AUX, stopped to have lunch/breakfast and so on, we arrived at the place at arround 12:30 am and no one was there so we went in, settle down, ordered up lunch and started talking arround until the organizer arrived, so we talked to him for a while while we waited for our lunch, we played ping pong on a table they had on the room and joked arround for a while, at 3 pm we where still the only ones there for some unknown reason, the event was supossed to start at 5 pm, some people had arrived but they thought the organizers would lend them some computers, so they went away, but later like at 4:30 people began to arrive, in total we where like 24 people? Counting the organizers and others.

At 5 pm they put up a video straight from the event organizers (Globaly) to give us a few tips on the jam, most of then where “Do not overwork” “Take Breaks” ” Support eachother” and so on, it actually scared me ’cause i figured out everyone would put their 110% into the proyect and i would have to put my “give up” mindset aside because if i wouldn’t it woukd be awful.

But when it started my mind went white until we finished the proyect, like i can’t remmember most of the event because i was so focus on working and finishing everything fast so that i wouldn’t drag down the team.

I’ll continue talking about this tomorrow…

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Diary of Becoming a Princess – January 30 2020 – MIRROR.

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I can’t believe that it’s already January 30, aaaaaaaaaaaa, how much time has it been since i’ve talked to her… let me check…the last time was in June 12, wow that’s depressing, does she still think about me? do she still read anything i post?, somehow i’m more afraid to know the answer that anything else.

I lied, i’m afraid of the game jam i’m attending, as i said some days ago i’m so ancious about attending to that event that i’ve ever been, i mean i’ve always been anxious about “Starting” “Participating” or even “Attending” to anything sightly serious not only because i’m the biggest fuck-up on earth and i’m sure i’m going to make a mistake and embarrass myself but also ’cause i’m afraid of not being enough to be of any help, until this morning i almost knew nothing about the trip we where making (Because it wasn’t decided yet) so i was way worse that i’m now but still i feel so anxious that i’m not really sure i can sleep well today, it’s funny to think about but this one trip is really similar to the trip i made with my family a while ago, we’re basically going in the same route but we’re stopping at a closer city than the last one, if i freaked out when i was with my family on a trip while trying to sleep in the same room with them i can’t even fathom the idea of sleeping in a tent with a bunch of randos that i know absolutely anything about besides “They are a friend’s classmates”, not only that but i suposse to socialize with the whole Jam group so we can work together, right now 53 people have signed up so i guess i’ll somehow need to handle being in a building with 51 strangers working together on something aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i can’t, i don’t think i can and if i do i think i’ll arrive basically dead from there, add to that the anxiety that come from being the only “freelancer” in my group meaning i need to fend off for myself when i’m given a task or something even if the whole event is more for fun than anything else it still is so nerveracking to me, what should i do if i fuck up something? what should i do if i’m not good enough to finish a task given to me? What if i just end up bothering everyone else with my slow approach to anything in an event wich it’s whole purpose is to go fast? i don’t really know.

But i setted that Jam as one of the “Death Flags” of this year, i’ve been seriously thinking about finally ending my life this year and one of the things that would definetly set me on that path is doing badly at that Jam, i mean, it sound like the dumbest thing ever but for me it is supossed to be the culmination of 4 years of psicology work, if i can go there and not cry myself to a corner then i’m fine, if not, i’ve just lost 4 years of my life and i would be so blinded by that fact that there’s not future that would appear before me, i’m already unable to see my future now imagine it being it worse, heh, i’m such a dumb idiot.

This morning i was thinking about that time i followed an amazing artist just to find out she was the same exact age as me (Same year, day and month) but she is really good at drawing/painting, is a really cute girl, knows 4 languages and is attending college, given a situation like that then why do i exist? i know this sounds dumb but hear me out, when there’s already someone that is filling in for your dreams then why do you exist? i tried writing two stories about that fact, the first one is about a college girl that hates the way she ended up being as an adult so one day a mage appears and gives her the chance to manually correct her past mistakes by sending her back to the past to specific point where she thinks she made a mistake, the result is that it was all a trap that the mage set up so he can kill the college girl, by correcting her mistakes she ends up changing so much that they can now be considered two different people altogether, and as they approach the present the girl figures out that if there are two instances of the same “idea” but one is way better than the other one then there’s no meaning to her existance so she kills herself.

The second story is about a lonely friendless guy that finds out that there is someone that looks exactly like him near his neighborhood but as they really appart from each other they had never noticed one another, while investigating this other person’s life he finds out that he lives a way better life in comparisson so he crumbles into the dilema of being behind his own shadow, being struck by such psicological trauma he tries to justify his existance by asserting his own belief in his own unique personality but it backfires as he figures out that he is indeed friendless and a lonely guy, making his pesonality undesireable.

So yeah, i’m anxious, overthinking things, lonely, heartbroken, in despair and futureless, what a life.

Today’s song reference comes from Dahlia’s album MIRROR, hervoice is really soft but not in the same way as Shiho-san or Yakushimaru Etsuko but in a really classy, high fashion type that makes you think of really nicely furnitured rooms.

Random Thought Of The Day

“Yep, it’s real, each day i try to writte more the worst the quality of everything gets, i’m so useless”

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Diary of Becoming a Princess – January 29 2020 – Thin Red Line.

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I’m having it hard to come up with a topic to talk about today, again i was supossed to go to get my hair cut today but when i went there there was no one to be seen, turns out my mother told me she had already told the hairdresser that i was going there but it was a lie ’cause she planned to tell her bur forgot to do it, so i came back home to do nothing all day.
Besides that, i have been streaming at night constantly for a week now, and i’m picking up a few loyal viewers again, i’m glad i still have the ability to compell people to hear me talk about dumb things.

And that’s it for today, lacking much?

Today’s song reference comes frome the Blazblue OST, i actually think is one of the best OST that have ever been made, Thin Red Line is the theme of Arakune, a nonsense blob of a man that once used to be a inteligent doctor that lost his mind after peeking into the unknown.

Random Thought Of The Day

“Nice, good, amazing, what should i do now then?”

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Diary of Becoming a Princess – January 28 2020 – Jill of Red Eyes.

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One only things i dislike listening to weird 2000s music is that most of them feature hard to understand lyrics typically in english or other languages, i think the way japanese people pronounce english aesthetically pleasing and in songs the effect doubles but when i try to sing those songs i’m left in the dirt, blabling my way through the song without making any sense of it, it’s like when you like a song and remember it’s rythm but for the love of god you can’t remember it’s lyrics so you just mumble them in a low voice, i hate having to do that.

In the new year’s entry i talked about “Hoshi ni Yuku Kisha” by Harmony Hatch being one of my favourite discoveries of last year but the fact that i can’t sing it at all ’cause it’s lyrics are in english and there’s no record of the japanese lyrics online makes me so mad, i had a similar thing happen to me when i first heard “Tiny Filled Hope” by Teeny Frahoop but in that case i did a really good research on it’s lyrics by going into an old band member’s blog, searching through the blog posts of the year the song was released until i found one talking about the song (that conveniently had the lyrics in it) and to this day i still feel proud of that research i did, i also translated “Citrus” by Kaneko Kiwano by usign a blurry photo of the lyrics she once posted on twitter, i also feel proud about that, but man i can’t seem to find anything on Harmony Hatch, not a single thing, i follow it’s main singer (Kobayashi Shino) on twitter, and of course i’ve stalked her other socialy media outlets but it seems everytime she talks about anything Harmony Hatch related it’s because they are having live (in person) concerts or sales or event attendance, come to think of it that also happens with people like Mini Kyute main singer Shiho-san, she’s got a live only band called Solvay Sweet and once i stayed up late (5 am) just to listen to a preview of their newest song on a radio show she appeared in and nghhhh i want to hear it again but it’s not available anywhere else nghhhhh it’s so painful living here in the third world with our shitty live concerts wich everyone uses as an excuse to get high on drugs while they are there enyoing their Cozy looking mini concerts on some small tea shop, the envy.

Today’s song reference comes from (appropiately) from Kobayashi Shino’s solo album called “Looking for a Key” her voice is so warm and it makes me fly up in the sky, she’s friends with Kaneko Kiwano, my current favourite artist, so that makes her even better.

Random Tought of The Day

“Maybe i should just drop the artist thingie and learn an instrument and get japanese style indie pop popular over here…as if i could”